Overcome Imposter Syndrome With These 4 Tools

What Imposter Syndrome Feels Like

Hey folks, it’s me, Laura Brown - that therapist lady who definitely knows what she’s talking about. Oh, and I’m apparently a YouTuber… and I totally have that down too. Like, I pretty much came out of the womb doing these things, so there’s no need to question whether or not I’m full of shit.

So, anyways… what are we talking about today? Oh, right, imposter syndrome. Cool. That’s something I know everything about, purely on an intellectual level, and not at all in my personal life.

If you’re reading this, you, unlike me, are probably having a hard time with this “imposter syndrome” thing. I can’t say I relate, but of course I can help you with that. I’m a therapist after all! I’m supposed to know this shit! And I do. Why wouldn’t I?

Is it hot in here? I’m sweating like that time the rapping actor Eminem sang his award-winning song about his mom’s spaghetti. Ok, folks, I need to come clean about something. I know it looks like I have it all together and I’m confident to a fault, and I know everything and can do it all, but if I’m totally honest, sometimes I struggle with imposter syndrome too. I was just trying to impress you when I said that stuff about how super smart I am because I was scared you’d think less of me if you knew I had my limits. So if you want to have an honest conversation about imposter syndrome, I’m here for it. And make sure you read until the end, because I’m going to share the tools I give my clients and use myself to boost confidence when imposter syndrome creeps in.

What is Imposter Syndrome?

I know it might feel like a super overwhelming thing to wrap your head around, but imposter syndrome is really not that complicated. It’s basically just insecurity that comes up around the roles we play in life. You can feel insecure about damn near anything, like your shoe size, that gap between your two front teeth, or the fact that the backseat of your car always looks like someone threw an entire box of granola bar wrappers everywhere and then got violently ill. Ah, the life of a parent.

But imposter syndrome is less general and more about the fear of being seen as a phony in some particular area of your life. Like for me, I remember when I was fresh out of grad school and was about to have my very first therapy session with a real paying client, it took every ounce of effort I had to look confident and professional on the outside, because on the inside I was like, “Oh crap, this person is about to pay me way too much money for an hour of my time and I don’t know what the hell I’m doing!”

This kind of experience is often addressed in therapy in Victoria, BC, where individuals learn to separate self-doubt from actual ability.

Why People Struggle with Imposter Syndrome

A lot of people struggle with these feelings when they’re new in a job or career. Even though you put in the work, do the training, and get the education, you still worry that you don’t actually have the skills, knowledge, and abilities to do the damn job, or you feel scared that, regardless of all that, people will still see you as not good enough in your role. Even though it’s most common for these feelings to come up in professional settings, they can also happen in other important areas of life, like parenting, school, sports, or your social life. Any time you catch yourself thinking, “I’m not a real law student, hockey mom, real estate agent, or cool person”, that’s imposter syndrome in action. Where does it come up for you? Right about now would be the perfect time to let us know in the comments!

The feelings that accompany these thoughts are usually anxiety, worry, despair, and discouragement. It’s understandably stressful and makes many people feel like they just want to give up and go back to where they supposedly belong. Sure, you may have your PhD in nuclear physics, but don’t you think that being a dog walker is a much safer career option? Then again, those dogs can smell a fake, so I dunno what to tell you!

It’s easy to take for granted that this is just a thing that happens, but if you want to overcome imposter syndrome, you kind of need to understand why. Just like literally any form of insecurity, at the heart of imposter syndrome lies the fear of rejection and exclusion. It is human as fuck to long to belong. Everybody wants to be seen as valuable and worthy in the eyes of others, and imposter syndrome plays off of that in a big way. To be seen as a phony means you don’t belong, and that’s one of the most uncomfortable and scary things for human beings to imagine.

If you’ve watched our last few videos, you've probably noticed a theme here. The desire for belonging and the fear of rejection and exclusion run deep through tons of issues people struggle with. If our alien overlords are watching this video, please first “like”, subscribe, and leave a comment! And second of all, I swear we’re not just a bunch of needy little bitches! Please don’t zap us with your death ray, or whatever world-ending technology you have! I explain the innate human need to belong in detail in our post on breaking free from guilt, so make sure to check that out after this one. In a nutshell, human beings have an evolutionary drive to belong to social groups. Once upon a time, we relied on each other in a major, life-or-death way. Like, if we got the boot, we were toast. That reliance and interdependence have not been lost, and we still care deeply about belonging, so we fear rejection and exclusion. This is why we’re so concerned about whether we’ll be judged for the million and one stupid little things that we worry will make others think we suck, because the last thing you want is to be seen as a waste of space for wearing last season’s Balenciaga sweatshirt to the gym, or not clearing 7 figures this year in your job as a TikTok nail and eyebrow influencer.

So that’s what’s up with imposter syndrome. You don’t want to be perceived as a phony or not good enough, because that would mean expulsion from the group, which touches on the importance of being seen as having value so that you don’t wind up as sabre-toothed tiger food. That’s cool, but what the hell do we do about that? Right about now, I would tell you to sit down and take notes, but instead, I’m gonna be the cool teacher who just gives them to you, all wrapped up with a pretty little bow. Download our free Imposter Syndrome Cheat Sheet PDF. You can save it on your phone and bring it up when you’re in the bathroom stall at work… or wherever you do your crying.

Flip The Script on Imposter Syndrome

The first tool to deal with imposter syndrome is to flip the script on your fears. Most people who experience imposter syndrome have many “what if…” thoughts. This is a feature that imposter syndrome shares with anxiety. Whether we’re talking about anxiety in general or imposter syndrome specifically, those “what if…” thoughts are there to help you prepare to handle challenges that could be coming down the pipe. Are they annoying? Absolutely! Are they constructive? Rarely! But at the very least, they are well-meaning. They’re like your overly cautious mother who wants to make sure you don’t catch your death of cold by bundling you up with 14 wool sweaters and a down sleeping bag with arm and leg holes cut into it. It’s too much, but it’s coming from a loving place.

Those “what if…” questions are obviously focused on what could go wrong, and when we’re talking about imposter syndrome, that probably sounds something like “What if I make a mistake and everyone realizes that I don’t know what the hell I’m doing and they toss me out of the building in my underwear?” That’s a scary, unpleasant thought, but is it the only possibility? Of course not! Your mind is wired to think about possible negatives so you can get out in front of them, but those thoughts mostly just stress you out. If left on autopilot, you can really only expect more of the same.

Overcome Imposter Syndrome with Grounding Exercises

Once you hear or notice that annoying “what if…” chatter, do something grounding to bring you back to the present moment. Pay attention to your surroundings or breathe until you can get a break from that anxiety spiral. Once you can think more clearly, acknowledge for yourself what the heck you're experiencing! Like “these what-if thoughts are anxiety talking, trying to keep me from getting rejected,” I understandably feel afraid because I'm in a vulnerable position. Still, I'm not actually a psychic and these thoughts ain't foretelling the future.

You can also flip the script on these fears by intentionally adding positive possibilities to the conversations in your mind. “What if you kill it?” “What if you’re able to put the skills and knowledge you have to good use and succeed?” “What if you do make a mistake and everyone is really patient and nice about it?” These too are possibilities, and if you reflect on them, you’re far more likely to feel like you can hold your head up high and challenge yourself to persevere through this vulnerable period.

How to Challenge Imposter Syndrome

The third tool to deal with imposter syndrome like a boss is to be real. Don’t pose. Don’t pretend to be anything that you’re not. Impostor syndrome can lead us to overcorrect for perceived shortcomings, which, ironically, can make us behave more like impostors. It makes sense: if you’re scared of being seen as not good enough, you may really want to impress people with some embellished facts about yourself. This, of course, only adds fuel to the fire, as it gives you more to stress out over getting busted for. I know you might think it makes you sound cool and interesting to tell your new friends that you speak 6 languages, including Swahili, but what happens when they get excited to meet a fellow Swahili speaker and want to have a conversation? There are only so many excuses you can make up to get out of that one. Instead, embrace the fact that you aren’t perfect and you don’t know it all. As uncomfortable as it may feel at first, give yourself permission to admit ignorance and ask questions if you don’t know something. It can feel freeing just to be yourself and not apologize for the gaps in your knowledge or abilities. This also opens you up to learning more. You need to own your ignorance if you want to be open to lessons that fill in the gaps. Would you rather be a smarty pants who knows and is comfortable with your own limitations, or a dumb dumb who’s committed to seeming like you know it all? Let us know in the comments!

Reject The Pressure to Impress

The last tip that can make a world of difference is to reject the idea that you need to impress everybody on planet Earth. Do judgment and rejection totally suck? Absolutely. It’s legit not to want that for yourself. Again, it's human instinct to be on alert for how much we belong. But the reality is that you simply can’t win ‘em all, and you're not actually going to die from being judged critically (even if it feels like it at the time). This is where you can validate the fear with self-talk like “of course I'm afraid of being judged, that's my human beingness talkin'” and follow it up with a question: what will actually happen if I'm judged?? Am I going to be kicked out of society and have to learn how to survive in the woods?? Or am I going to feel butt-hurt for a day or two and then figure out a way to move on??

Also, call me a naïve optimist, but I’m of the opinion that most people are kind and compassionate when it comes to how they look at others. This means that the overwhelming majority of people who witness your shortcomings are likely to have empathy and patience for you, rather than seeing you as a waste of space who should just give up. But some people are kinda mean and judgmental, and you may never be able to win with them. If you ever find yourself in that unfortunate situation, remind yourself that it’s ok for you to want to be seen positively by others, but that you can’t ultimately control whether or not they see you that way. You can only be you, and if that’s not good enough for other people, maybe that relationship isn’t going to work. Allow yourself to feel whatever feelings you might have around that, while also reminding yourself that they’re not the high authority on who is and is not a valid human being (or physiotherapist, or teacher, or reggae bass player). Strike a balance between the fact that you long for acceptance and the fact that you are striving to accept hard truths that you ultimately can’t control. It can be especially helpful to remind yourself of this fact in moments of high anxiety, when you’re really worrying about how you’re perceived.

I may not have had the pleasure of making your acquaintance yet, but whoever you are and whatever you do, I believe you’re the real deal. You may be new. You may not be setting any world records, but I believe that you’re good enough, and I hope you take the time to remind yourself of that, too.

Final Thoughts

I may not have had the pleasure of meeting you yet, but whoever you are and whatever you do, I believe you’re the real deal.

You may be new. You may not be perfect. But that doesn’t mean you don’t belong.

If imposter syndrome is holding you back, you don’t have to navigate it alone. Connect with our team at Heart & Oak Therapy in Victoria to rediscover your confidence and clarity.

FAQs

Q1. What is imposter syndrome, and why do I feel it?

Imposter syndrome is the feeling that you’re not as capable as others think, even when you’ve earned your success. It often comes from self-doubt and fear of being judged.

Q2. Is imposter syndrome common?

Yes, it’s very common. Many people, especially high achievers, experience it at different stages of life, especially during times of change or growth.

Q3. Can imposter syndrome affect my work or relationships?

It can. It may lead to overthinking, avoiding opportunities, or difficulty trusting yourself, all of which can impact both your career and your personal life.

Q4. How can I start overcoming imposter syndrome?

Start by noticing your thoughts, challenging negative assumptions, and focusing on your strengths. Small mindset shifts can make a big difference over time.

Q5. When should I consider talking to a therapist?

If these feelings are persistent or affecting your confidence and daily life, speaking with a professional can help you understand and manage them effectively.

Therapist Debunks Self-Esteem Myths

“Self-Love” is Not The Answer to Low Self-Esteem

Brace yourself! There’s an incoming hot take in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1:

Self-love is stupid.

Whoa, did I just say that?! What the heck!? Am I even a therapist?

Ok, so maybe self-love itself isn’t stupid per sé. I mean, it’s good to love yourself and to do things that are loving to yourself. But don’t you ever get tired and frustrated with all these messages you get all over social media that you just need to love yourself, and meanwhile, there’s this nasty little voice inside your head that doesn’t want you to forget how much you suck?

Everyone’s always like, “You just need to love yourself”, and it’s like, “Bro, if only it were that easy”.

But here’s another hot take for you, and I hope you’re sitting down for this one: Just because it can feel like your worst enemy lives inside your head and is always looking for opportunities to tear you down doesn’t actually mean that you don’t love yourself. I know it might sound totally crazy, but all those nasty, negative thoughts that you have about yourself and all the self-destructive behaviours you engage in to deal with them aren’t necessarily signs of self-hatred. In fact, you almost definitely do care for yourself; you've just been taught not to see it that way.

Why it Feels Hard to Love Yourself

I wrote this post to answer a question one of my clients had, which I know many of you are grappling with: “Why don't I love myself?” This is a complex issue, so I’m going to break down why this misunderstanding of our feelings about ourselves is so common and explain why thoughts and behaviours that appear to be self-hatred on the surface aren't necessarily evidence of a lack of love or care for yourself. So buckle in and let’s get into it!

Psychology Has Been Wrong About Self-Love

First, we need to lay some groundwork, which means we’re going to travel back in time to the psychology of yesterday. How far back do we need to go? Honestly, it doesn’t even frickin’ matter. You wanna start with Freud? Sure, let’s start there. What did Freud say? “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar?” Sure it is, buddy. But what did Freud say about psychological disorder and so-called self-destructive behaviour? He said that they stemmed from a subconscious desire to die, which motivates self-destructive behaviours. Well, that doesn’t sound very self-loving!

Let’s jump ahead a little. How about Aaron Beck, the father of Cognitive Therapy? He said that self-destructive behaviours stem from deeply ingrained negative core beliefs, cognitive distortions, and negative automatic thoughts. So that fits pretty snugly with the idea that self-destructive actions are an expression of genuine hate for yourself. This isn’t looking good, and I’m deeply concerned.

Ok, let’s modernize things a little. How about Mary Ainsworth, Queen of Attachment Theory? She said that internalized negative beliefs lead to actions that reflect those beliefs, including self-destructive behaviours.

These 3 quick examples of psychological theory throughout the ages show us that there’s a longstanding tradition of assuming that individuals really get on board the self-hate train and ride that sucker all the way to self-destruction town. By no means am I saying that these prominent thinkers in the field of psychology are trash, whose books should be burned and whose contributions are without value, but they assume that I believe is out of pocket. By framing negative thoughts about oneself as “beliefs”, they imply that we actively subscribe to them. Thoughts and beliefs are not the same thing, and while it’s definitely true that people can internalize negative messages about themselves, we often overlook a super important fact about how we respond to these ideas.

What Our Feelings Tell Us About Self-Love

Let’s say you’re watching a show or reading a book and something good happens to a character you like. How do you feel? Good, right?

Ok, how about if something bad happens to that same beloved character? Devastating.

That makes sense, doesn’t it?

Ok, now you’re the character. How does it feel when someone says or does something kind or compliments you? Once again, you’ve got to admit that it feels good.

And if they put you down or make you feel less than? Not great. Got it.

Ok, now last question: That person putting you down no longer lives in the physical world; they got themselves an executive 2-bedroom condo in your head. Now their messages are beamed straight to your brain. How does it feel? F*ck!ng horrible! I know, right?

We feel bad when we think negative thoughts about ourselves because, at the end of the day, we care about ourselves, just like we root for our favourite characters. We feel good feelings when good things happen to those we care about, and we feel bad feelings when bad things happen to them. As an aside, we also feel good feelings when bad things happen to those we truly hate. Like, remember when Joffrey got his little ass poisoned on Game of Thrones, or when that dude who cut off that other dude’s ding dong and called him Reek got fed to his own dogs? You were doing the happy dance when those things happened, weren’t you?

But enough about epic TV shows; let’s talk science for a minute. What even are friggin’ human beings? Well, among many other things, we’re organisms. We may be highly evolved and super complex, but we’re ultimately no differentthan any other life form on Earth, in the sense that we’re wired to avoid adversity. Anyone who’s ever been a dick to ants, or spiders, or frogs, or chickens knows that they don’t put up with shit. They will do their best to get away from you if you’re not treating them right. This may not be the popular opinion in psychology land, which has a long history of propping up the idea that people really get on board with things that are bad for them. Still, a small handful of folks in the field recognize that we actually do demonstrate care for ourselves, despite the presence of those assholes and the negative messages that live inside our heads.

Allan Wade is one person whose ideas have inspired us to see these things differently. He talks about resistance, which he defines as any behaviour or act in which a person attempts to expose, withstand, repel, stop, prevent, abstain from, strive against, impede, or refuse to comply with any form of adversity. I knowthat’s a mouthful and is super broad, but the point is that resistance can take many forms, including big actions, small actions, and even private thoughts. His idea is that people are never passive in the face of adversity, and that resistance is always present. If you think about it, it’s kinda weird that this isn’t the most popular way of looking at human struggles, because it totally fits with the fact that living things aim to sustain themselves and minimize suffering. Human beings should be no exception to this.

This realization is often a breakthrough moment in individual therapy in Victoria. At Heart & Oak Therapy, it can become part of a deeper process of understanding your inner voice with more compassion and clarity.

Explaining “Self-Hatred” and “Self-Destructive Behaviour”

That may all sound lovely, but then why the heck do we think bad things about ourselves and do things that hurt ourselves if we care so much about ourselves? Fair question!

It sucks thinking negative thoughts about yourself. And while there may be reasons that you do that that are very personal and unique to you, there are typically two reasons why we do this:

• 1. First of all, you have a working memory and have internalized those messages based on your experience of living in the world. We remember things, and we tend to remember bad things more than good ones. Like, remember that time in your late 20s when you felt too lazy to clean your kitchen, so you put all your dirty dishes and containers in the oven, then got high and had a craving for pizza pockets, so you turned on the oven and all the plastic melted? You remember that, no problem, but what about all the times you pulled Michelin-star quality meals out of that hot boy?

• 2. The second reason is that we remember negative messages because they help us avoid social or interpersonal adversity, like judgment, rejection, and exclusion. If you think, “I’m such a loser and I can’t do anything right”, you’re probably going to avoid other people and situations where your shortcomings are on display, just like you’re likely to take a pass on an evening of live comedy featuring the hilarious and not at all sad Rob Schneider because you know you lose control of your bladder when you get the giggles. I’m not sitting here saying, “So aren’t these negative thoughts super great and helpful?!” because I know they’re no one’s idea of a good time, but they do play a surprising role in self-preservation. For more on this, watch our video that takes a deep dive into your inner critic.

These patterns are commonly explored in counselling in Victoria, BC, especially when working with a therapist offering individual counselling services.

Ok, I know it’s not 2017 anymore, I swear to god! But thinking back to that time Joffrey got his bitch-made ass poisoned, you know you went to sleep that night with a shit-eating grin on your face because you were so happy to get a taste of sweet, sweet justice. What does that say about your sentiments toward that little bastard? I mean, it says that you hated his little ass because he was such an insufferable little prick! As far as all this self-hatred business is concerned, our feelings tell us a lot about where we stand on things, and if you feel bad when you think about all the supposed ways you’re trash, that’s a strong indication of how you really feel. It’s like what I said before about how we feel when good things or bad things happen to characters we root for. It’s one thing to think, “I suck, and I’m a waste of space; it’s another thing to get bummed out about that idea. Feeling bummed out shows you’re not here for that. If you were, wouldn’t you feel good that a bad thing is being said about such a loathsome individual? Really, the fact that you think negative thoughts about yourself is way less remarkable than the fact that you feel shitty when you think those thoughts. Those shitty feelings are actually an indication that you care about yourself and how you’re treated.

How about self-destructive behaviours? Surely those are irrefutable evidence of your undeniable self-loathing? Not so fast, junior! Even those bad habits that you know don’t really help your situation, like excessive drinking or substance use, binge eating, overspending, gambling, or unhealthy sexual behaviours, serve a purpose that is surprisingly life-affirming. The suffering we experience around doing those things is really a bug, not a feature. In other words, they make us feel shitty because they’re not good for us, but we don’t do them to feel shitty; we do them to escape feeling shitty on an emotional level. All those behaviours I just mentioned are common forms of escape from really uncomfortable feelings. This totally fits with Allan Wade’s theory that we resist suffering. Sometimes that resistance isn’t perfect. Sometimes it even creates other problems for us, but it’s a form of resistance and an act of care for ourselves nonetheless. And to take this to an extreme, even those who think about suicide generally do so because it’s the least bad option that they can think of at the moment, or it’s a way of ending their suffering. And that’s not to say that that’s fine or not a big deal, but that that ideation and behaviour that is so often misunderstood as stemming from self-hatred actually comes from a longing to escape emotional pain, which is more pro-you than anti-you.

Ok, that all got a bit heavy, but this is some real shit. If you need to shake off some heaviness, stand up, move your body, and let us know in the comments which you like more: kittens or bunnies.

Now, it’s totally valid to see self-destructive behaviours as problematic because they cause suffering and carry with them a bunch of consequences that aren't ideal. You may try to convince yourself otherwise, but at the end of the day, you know that you can’t really justify getting white girl wasted every day just because you’re wearing your “It’s wine o’clock” T-shirt. Every. Single. Day. But it’s important to look at these behaviours in context and understand what they’re in response to. What I really want you to understand is that so-called self-hatred and self-destructive behaviours generally come from a surprisingly self-caring place, stemming from the innate drive to resist adversity. Nonetheless, if drinking to excess, or stressing out over gambling debts, or feeling like crap after eating too much are getting old, it’s a great idea to work on replacing those behaviours with others that serve you better. Healthier responses to shitty feelings are probably more likely to actually help address the issues behind those emotions and give you fewer things to feel bad about in your life. Life is hard enough. You don’t need more shame over how horribly you’ve dealt with things, bringing you down further.

Dealing With Self-Hating Thoughts Effectively

So, the next time your inner critic is coming in loud and clear, consider that this doesn’t actually mean that you hate yourself. Just because you think something doesn’t mean you’re down with it, and your emotional response to those thoughts tells you all you need to know about how down with them you are. As for self-destructive behaviours, you can think of them as well-meaning but misguided. They’re the things we do to get immediate relief from hard feelings, but they also create other problems, making them questionable options. One simple strategy to deal with the negative self-talk is to notice it when it’s happening, name it, like “Oh, there’s my inner critic again”, and respond to it, like “It’s not helpful to think of myself like that”. Then, when it comes to changing self-destructive behaviours, notice your urge to do something regrettable, take a moment to pause, take a breath, and remind yourself that that doesn’t actually help and you don’t need more things to feel shitty about. Then do something more likely to address the feeling you’re having better, like opening up to a supportive person in your life, writing in your journal, or going for a run. 

The next time your inner critic speaks up, pause and say, "That's not helpful right now." Building this awareness is just the first step. If you're ready to respond to negative self-talk with true patience and care, reach out to Heart & Oak Therapy and start trading self-doubt for self-compassion.

FAQs

Q1. Is self-love enough to improve low self-esteem?

Not always. Low self-esteem is often rooted in deeper experiences, and it usually requires reflection, support, and practical strategies to improve.

Q2. Why do I have negative thoughts about myself?

Negative thoughts often come from past experiences, learned beliefs, or attempts to protect yourself from rejection or failure.

Q3. Can therapy help with low self-esteem?

Yes, therapy helps you understand your thoughts, build healthier coping strategies, and develop a more balanced self-view.

Q4. What happens during individual counselling sessions?

You explore your thoughts, emotions, and patterns with a therapist who helps you develop practical tools for managing self-esteem challenges.

Q5. When should I see a therapist for self-esteem issues?

If negative self-talk affects your daily life, relationships, or confidence, it’s a good time to seek professional support.

Overcome your Inner Critic with this Super Helpful Tool

Turn down the volume on your inner critic

If it feels like you can't do anything without some critical voice in your head chirping about how you’re probably gonna screw up, or embarrass yourself, or ruin everything and be doomed to a life of misery and loneliness, it’s a safe bet that you’re probably over it.

And who can blame you? If that critical voice were a real person following you around, you probably would have called the police or stuffed them in a dumpster by now, but that’s hard to do with something that lives inside your head.

Well, fear not, because by the end of this post, you will have levelled up your understanding of what the heck that critical voice is, where it comes from, and how you can turn down its volume so you stop feeling like shit all the time. 

These are the same kinds of insights many people explore when working with a therapist or starting therapy in Victoria, BC.

Why you have an inner critical voice

It’s super easy to take this for granted, but have you ever noticed how most of the conversations you have in a day actually take place in your own head? If you stop and pay attention, you’ll notice that you’re constantly chatting with someone in your mind, sometimes with yourself, sometimes with one of the thousands of people you’ve cloned and internalized, but always with someone inside. And no, you’re not crazy! This is totally normal.

A lot of those conversations may be neutral, but some are not so nice and stand out like a sore thumb.

Your inner critic draws your attention to the things you’re sensitive or insecure about, particularly things that you’re scared people will judge you for. All of this understandably makes you feel stressed out, anxious, hopeless, or depressed.

Now, you’re probably thinking that the very existence of your inner critic is totally f’ed up and dysfunctional, like your brain wasn’t wired right in the factory. This may be an unpopular opinion, but the fact that you have an inner critic isn’t exactly a bad thing. Even though that critical voice doesn’t exactly make for a fun time, it does serve an adaptive purpose, which we’ll get into. But first, it’s story time.

So, I used to believe that I truly hated myself. Puberty hit me hard. I remember scribbling away in my diary in grade 5, boasting about how I was the most popular girl in my class (I wasn't) and was so, so cool. Fast forward only one year later, er and it was the complete opposite. “Dear Diary, I hate myself so much. I am so ugly and fat and disgusting, and no one likes me”. I wrestled with this nasty, mean voice for almost 20 years. And I tried everything — all the self-help books, all the hypnosis, all the CBT, all the positive affirmations. And it would work, sort of, for a short period of time. Fake-it-til-you-make-it wind in my sails. But that nasty critical voice with all its hurtful words would always sneak back in and make me believe that I was the worst human being alive. And this voice had a lot of evidence to prove that I wasn't worthy of love — from myself or anyone else. I was single, I was broke, I was chubby, I engaged in binge eating and spending money I didn't have, and I escaped with a cocktail of weed, food, wine and my favourite TV shows. Then I felt like an even bigger loser for relying on those things. A lot of people might think the way I overcame this was by changing my behaviours and proving to myself that I was worthy of loving myself. But it actually wasn’t. Through helpful conversations and learning more about the human condition, I came to realize that I wasn't broken and that I didn’t need to be fixed, but that I had found very creative ways to survive and resist feelings of insecurity and fear. And that's exactly what we’re here to teach you how to do, too!

Making sense of your inner critic through evolutionary psychology

Ok, so let’s get back to the crazy idea that the critical voice that lives in your head isn't actually the enemy. I know, I know, it’s hard to believe, but it’s actually there to protect you

To make sense of this, we need to look back in time about 100 thousand years. Back when we used to live in caves and didn't have the security of modern-day life, with running water, electricity, and grocery stores, we needed to get along and work together to get our next meal and fight off whatever animals wanted to make us their next meal. Because of this very primitive need to belong to a group, we developed an innate fear of rejection and exclusion.

Why? Because if we got kicked out of the group, we're dead. And I mean real dead. And whether or not we belonged depended on how closely we lived up to the group's rules and ideas of what it means to be a decent cave person. So if the group rule is that everyone takes one serving of woolly mammoth before going back for seconds, and Fiona gets cocky and grabs two meaty mammoth ribs, you better believe it’s over for her. And those sabre-tooth kitties are going to be feasting on Fiona's succulent bones with the quickness. Okay, that got a little dark. This is where the social anxiety and feelings of insecurity make total sense. Clearly, our species has not lost that instinct for inclusion. This survival instinct fits hand in glove with human insecurity, which sets the stage for the critical voice. If Fiona felt insecure and afraid of getting rejected, she would feel on alert and have that little voice saying, “Don't be bad, don't be greedy, don't go for seconds, Janet and Janice would rat you out, and then you're dead, girl.

The critical voice is a response to and a representation of our fear and insecurity, and parrots the group's values and rules. Today, the list of rules and expectations can seem endless. That's why it can feel like we fully hate ourselves. Because we can't actually be everything that our society expects of us- we gotta be wealthy, have just the right body, be educated, have a well-respected job, own a home, have two cars, two kids, and go on vacation multiple times a year. And on top of all of that, we have to be fucking confident!

All of that is to say that we are vulnerable to judgment, exclusion, and rejection, and there’s a long list of ways we can be judged, excluded, and rejected. Your critical voice is like your radar for things you are aware of that could leave you seen in a bad light by others.

How to silence your inner critic

I’m going to give you a strategy that’s not only helped me but also tons of my own clients in therapy over the years. Like so many problems in life, you need to start with awareness and challenge yourself to notice your critical voice when it pops into your head. I know, I know, this is likely the last thing you want to do. It can be uncomfortable to acknowledge and engage with that voice. It's in our nature to want to avoid anything that feels shitty, so you're probably pretty good at finding ways to distract yourself from really facing your critical voice.

Despite not wanting to engage, the first step in changing your relationship to your critical voice is to notice it and name it. When an unkind thought crosses your mind, acknowledge to yourself, “that bitch right there, that’s my critical voice”.

Why do this? First, it allows you to maintain a more arm’s-length relationship with your inner critic, rather than feeling consumed by it and responding reactively.

Secondly, it’s an acknowledgment that although it’s a thought that you’re having, you don’t have to agree with it. We’re taught all sorts of nonsense over the course of our lives, and it’s not like we just erase old, outdated perspectives and beliefs from our memories when we form new ones that we prefer. We intentionally choose to disregard them.

Take prejudice, for example. A lot of people learn some sort of prejudiced or discriminatory ideas while growing up, and then hopefully conclude that they’re stupid and whack as they get older. You may very well still have prejudiced or discriminatory thoughts cross your mind because you've been taught to think that way, but you become able to privately respond to them like, “Nah, that’s not cool”. The same is true of your critical voice. Just because you're thinking something doesn’t mean you’re down with it.

After acknowledging the presence of your critical voice, it can also be helpful to remember the fact that, as a human being, you have an evolutionary need to belong, and that even though it’s not super obvious, the fear you feel around rejection or exclusion comes from a place of care for yourself. Remember: fear of rejection and judgment, and feelings of insecurity are normal. They are there to protect us so we don't die on this crazy, dangerous planet. And while they may be normal and understandable because we're human, the messaging that can go along with them is likely not entirely fair or accurate.

If you do the first step, then you’re well on your way to the second, which is all about emotional regulation. A common reason why the critical voice is often a problem for people is that they deal with it through avoidance, and that avoidant behaviour creates other problems in their lives, which just gives the critical voice more ammo. Among the most effective and destructive avoidance strategies are addictions to things like alcohol and other substances, gambling, shopping, or even food. Insecurity and fear feel bad, so we do things to feel good. Unfortunately, despite your best intentions to protect yourself from hard feelings, numbing out your critical voice means you fail to address it, and you become dependent on external things to regulate your emotions, which only compounds the problem and makes you feel even shittier about yourself.

We’re all about self-empowerment, and so even though it’s harder in most ways, we strongly encourage you to face your hard feelings, to build trust that you ain't going to die from feeling them. For example, if your critical voice is saying, “You're an idiot, you can’t do anything right, and no one is ever going to like you, let alone love you”, take a deep breath and do something to bring you back to the present moment. What can you see in front of you? What can you feel? What can you hear?

Tools to silence your inner critic

When you're emotionally clear enough to think, it’s time to explore why your critical voice shows up when it does. If you’re a pen-and-paper kind of person, grab a journal and flesh out the who, what, where, when, and why of the situation. You’ll find a reflection exercise in the description down below, but for now, some questions worth answering are: what happened, and specifically, what the heck were you doing before your critical voice piped up? What was it about that particular situation that made sense for your critical voice to make an appearance? Keep in mind all of the daft rules and expectations our society has for us, and how they are likely part of the equation. Like, maybe you struggle with the expectation that you need to come across as über-successful to have any worth as a person. You can ask: Are there any particular insecurities or fears that tie into the message of your critical voice? For example, if you have an insecurity around success, even small, everyday mistakes, like spilling your coffee, can have your inner critic all like, “You idiot! How are you ever going to make something of yourself if you can’t even keep from spilling a cup o’ Joe?!”If its goal is to protect you from shame or embarrassment or rejection, what could be shameful or embarrassing about what you were doing?

This is also when empathy and self-validation are our BFFs. If it's too hard to provide this to yourself because your critical voice doesn’t make it easy, imagine a friend experiencing something similar and how you would feel for them. Why is it understandable for you (or them) to feel insecure or fearful of rejection? Why does it make sense to be critical about this particular subject? Are there any experiences you’ve had that have taught you to be on high alert for times like this?

What we’re basically encouraging by laying out this approach to dealing with your critical voice is a radically different way of handling insecurity. Because running away from it, creating a facade to conceal it, or living life in defensive mode don’t work. In fact, they usually make your insecure feelings and the prevalence of your critical voice worse. Instead, mindfully acknowledge the presence of your critical voice and remind yourself that it exists to help you avoid the pitfalls of social alienation, which can make it feel less distressing when it shows up.

The final step is to assert your preferred, fairer, and more realistic message over the one your critical voice carries. Let’s say, like me, your critical voice says, “you look fat today,” and I feel insecure and ashamed hearing this message. Part of me would love to escape feeling this way because it fucking suuuuucks to have these feelings. But because I’ve trained my emotional muscles, I would then acknowledge to myself, “I feel insecure right now, and it’s showing up with this old story that I should feel ashamed of my body because I’m not a size 0, and society celebrates and values this body type more than mine. And I don’t agree with society’s rule that in order to have value as a human being, a body has to be a certain size. I’m having this hard feeling, but I don’t agree with it.” And I can then focus on nurturing myself while this feeling is here, and trust that it will eventually ease.

Because you don’t need a Darwin Award on your mantle, remember that fear and insecurity are there to help keep you alive! These feelings have been part of our species’ survival, so we cannot expect ourselves to think our way out of having them. Instead, we have to accept that fear and insecurity are part of our human experience, and it's all about dealing with them effectively.

Even though it may sound ass backwards, the idea that your critical voice is there to help you survive makes sense. By following the steps we outlined in this video, you can expect your critical voice's intensity to decrease over time. By mindfully holding your critical voice at arm’s length and remembering its purpose, you can feel less distressed and discouraged when it pipes up.

This deeper reflection is something often explored in relationship counselling in Victoria.

Final thoughts

Because you don’t need a Darwin Award on your mantle, remember this: Fear and insecurity are part of being human. They helped us survive. You can’t eliminate them, and you don’t need to. What you can do is change how you respond. Even though it may sound backwards, your inner critic is trying to protect you.

Ready to quiet the noise and take back control? Learn to notice, understand, and respond differently to your inner critic. Connect with a Heart & Oak marriage counsellor and start feeling like yourself again.

FAQs

Q1. How can a therapist help with my inner critic?

A therapist can help you understand the root of your inner critic, identify triggers, and develop healthier ways to respond to negative self-talk.

Q2. Is therapy effective for managing negative thoughts?

Yes, therapy provides evidence-based tools, such as cognitive restructuring and emotional regulation, to help reduce the intensity of your inner critic.

Q3. Can my inner critic affect my relationship?

Absolutely. Your inner critic can affect communication, self-worth, and trust, which is why relationship counselling can help improve connection.

Q4. How does couples therapy help with self-criticism?

Couples therapy helps partners understand emotional patterns, reduce defensiveness, and support each other in managing self-critical thoughts.

Q5. When should I consider marriage counselling victoria bc?

If your inner critic is affecting communication, intimacy, or conflict, seeking marriage counselling can help strengthen your relationship and build understanding.