How Conflict Avoidance Quietly Kills Your Relationship

What conflict avoidance looks like

Ok everybody, I want you to raise your hand if you’ve ever proclaimed that for your next birthday, all you really want is some gnarly conflict with your partner! Now let’s see here, how many hands do I see in the air…none!? I’m shocked!

I know conflict is nobody’s favourite pastime, especially with their better half. And why? Because it makes you feel all the feelings that aren’t any fun at all, and it leads to the most frustrating arguments that seem impossible to resolve. Why on earth would you run head first into that bullsh!t? So when your partner does something that hurts your feelings or irritates the sh!t out of you, you find ways to tune out the emotion and dodge the conflict like a ninja.

Maybe you pick up your phone and start scrolling, dive back into our videogame, have a glass of wine, or take a massive hit from that ice bong. After all, your feelings are probably just stupid or wrong, and bringing issues up with your better half will only cause problems, because it’s not like you’re fighting right now.

Maybe you've tried to address it with your partner before and they were defensive or invalidating. Maybe they dismissed you and left you feeling insecure in the relationship. Or worse, started raging at you for daring to express a little frustration.

Whatever your experience has been, you’ve got your reasons to avoid talking about your difficult feelings. And we get it, who wants a fight every time they’re a little irked or frustrated in their relationship?!

But then you start to figure out that your avoidance strategy isn’t the life hack you wish it was. You may not be fighting, but there’s this tension that you just can’t shake. It feels like you’re walking on eggshells and all your interactions are weird and awkward, and you’re getting mad and having stupid fights about things that really don’t seem like a big deal on the surface.

So is the avoidance worth it? I think we both know the answer to that question, and I’m going to explain how and why conflict avoidance actually leads to more fighting. I’ve also got some therapist-approved strategies to avoid those stupid fights, and if you read until the end I’ll tell you how to get your hands on our exclusive cheat sheet to help you face conflict in your relationship fearlessly.

How I learned that conflict avoidance doesn’t work

Not to brag, but I used to be the queen of avoidance. Any time I had a difficult feeling, especially in a relationship, I would do everything in my power to stuff it down into that overcrowded cavern we stick our feelings in. And it wasn't until I was in a relationship with Will that I came to realize that suppressing my feelings wasn't working all that well for me. I can remember the exact moment when I truly had to confront my way of communicating. We were doing our regular grocery shop and I cannot remember for the life of me why I was upset with Will, but I was. And so I did what I always did up to that point: I went silent. And I was so, so, soooo good at the silent treatment that Will finally had enough. He made it clear that if I was unwilling to be forthcoming about how I was feeling and express it to him, that he wasn't going to be able to continue in the relationship with me.

I was terrified. I valued our relationship so deeply, in no way did I want to be hurting him or punishing him with silence, but I felt frozen in those moments. It almost felt like it was impossible for me to speak because the fear was so intense. Fear that I wouldn't be understood, fear that my feelings were stupid and that I shouldn't be feeling this way to begin with, fear that my feelings would push Will away and ruin our relationship. But ironically, that’s also what avoidance was doing. While I was experiencing this fear, I also knew that I had to challenge myself to do things differently because avoidance was causing way bigger issues than the initial problem itself. Like a baby deer learning to walk, I very slowly, and with a lil trepidation, I began to express my feelings. Will was amazingly patient with me and was an incredible listener. He helped me to see that my feelings were actually valid and that it made sense why I was upset about whatever it was I was upset with - even if it was about him.

This was a massive turning point for me and our relationship. Over the past 10 years I’ve worked really hard at facing conflict like a warrior queen, and guess what? I’ve made conflict my bitch. By no means is it something I do for fun, but I recognize that it can actually be a safe, healthy, and productive process that makes things better in my life.

I want you to hear this piece - learning to be able to express my hard ass feelings has been one of the most freeing, empowering changes I’ve made in my life. And I’m not a unicorn. The exact same thing is true about the clients we’ve helped learn to stop avoiding conflict and start facing it with constructive courage.

How to stop avoiding conflict with your partner

Ok, so talking takes work, and if your lives are anything like ours, the last thing you have is energy in the tank for more goddamn work.

It would be so nice if you could put your relationship on autopilot and cruise through life without any bumps or detours while keeping the love bubble that started on your first date fully inflated. But if you're watching this right now, you’ve probably already figured out that the less open you are about the good, the bad, and the ugly, the more disconnected you feel in your relationship. And disconnection feels really, really shitty. This is where you start to feel more like roommates than romantic partners, and that’s just depressing. And if that isn’t the kicker, it’s not like you actually successfully avoid conflict while carrying on like this. You exist in a state of tension until someone gets fed up with something and loses their shit, and then you go at each other like two rabid hyenas. It’s not a pretty sight.

How conflict avoidance keeps problems unresolved

Be real with your girl for a minute: what do you think is easier, doing the work now and having some tough, but important conversations to work through your issues, or letting things fester until it feels like there’s not a single square inch of floor space covered with eggshells? If you said, “The first one”, you would be right. One big reason why conflict avoidance doesn’t work is because it leaves you with a way bigger, nastier mess to clean up later.

If you really want to understand something, do you tend to want more or less information on the subject? What a stupid, cheeky question that is, of course you want more information, because more information leads to a better understanding. The inverse is also true: having less information leads to a worse understanding, or dare I say, mis-understanding.

Your relationship and the stuff you have conflict about is no exception to this. And guess what rare and unexpected gift conflict offers you: the opportunity to gather useful information that could very well help resolve a fight - or even prevent future ones! Think of conflict as the process of working through a problem, and when you avoid it, you close the door to that opportunity. This leaves you stuck with assumptions that are probably not super warm and fuzzy toward your better half, and probably not entirely accurate. So if you like feeling stuck, resentful and perpetually a lil to a lot angry, avoiding conflict is a super effective way of keeping you there.

How conflict avoidance hurts your romantic connection

I could probably rattle off 100 more reasons why avoiding conflict screws over your relationship, but the last big one we’re going to cover in this video is the fact that it murders your connection. If you think of the problems in your relationship like junk, and conflict as the process of cleaning that shit up, the more you avoid dealing with issues, the more shit piles up. That shit takes up space, and over time it ends up displacing the good in your relationship, like feelings of fondness and care for one another (or hot, sexy attraction). This leaves you with a pile of stank ass resentment a mile high, and like I said earlier, that’s adding crap to the original issue, making it that much harder to work through.

Now here’s another cheeky little question for you: when you’re carrying around resentment, do you think that makes you more chill and easy going or more of a snapcase? If you guessed option B, you’re a goddamn genius! There’s a direct pipeline that runs from conflict avoidance, to resentment, to freaking out over small stuff because you feel so fucking pissed off inside all the time. Want to break free from that miserable cycle? There’s only one way: You both need to be willing to put it all on the table in a healthy, constructive way, and work through your shit.

If you’re sitting there like, “Throw us a bone, Laura! How the hell do we actually do that without the conversation devolving into a dumpster fire?” We got you! Check out our awesome online course SMART Conflict for Couples. Starting with the basics of healthy communication, Will and I walk you through everything you need to deal with conflict like pros, and nothing that you don’t.

I know conflict is hard and totally not fun, but a tense, mediocre relationship is worse. Tell me in the comments if I’m wrong!

How to Stop Explosive Fights When You Feel Triggered

Why couples have explosive fights

It’s a feeling you’re all too familiar with.

With all the busy crap you have to deal with, you’re already permanently exhausted. And because apparently there’s no time to recover, you keep going, taking care of business.

And that’s when you stumble upon something infuriating. Maybe it’s a coffee mug in the bathroom, maybe it’s workout clothes left beside the laundry hamper (not in it), maybe it’s your whole ass house looking like it was ransacked by toddlers. You’re feeling both discouraged and pissed because you’ve talked to your better half about this very issue more times than you can count, and now your blood is fully boiling and you just want to rage!

I’m going to walk you through exactly what you need to do to be able to deal with these hard ass feelings constructively, so you don't lose your shit and end up with another dumpster fire fight that ends with someone sleeping on the couch or packing their bags.

The role of frustration in explosive fights for couples

There are countless ways Will and I drive each other crazy. Just imagine trying to run 2 businesses with your husband, and discovering that you have completely different work ethics and ways of thinking. Nightmare.

Then there's parenting differences on top of that. Even though we share values when it comes to raising our girls, we were raised differently and don't share a brain, so we can easily be pissed off by the different calls the other makes. And even though we can find ourselves wanting to claw eachothers eyes out or hurl offensive insults at one another, we know that blowing up at each other would only ruin our lives further and risk the health of our relationship.

This actually just happened to me last week. It was another annoying pro-d day, so the girls were at home all day and Will was on parenting duty. Before the day even started, I was stressed about the cost of Will taking the morning off work, and mom guilt for not being with them for the day. After I finished seeing clients, I walked into the house expecting it to be relatively tidy as Will and I tend to be on the same page about that. I come to find the house in a complete disaster - toys everywhere, dishes and old food out - and now Will is heading straight out to see clients! So guess whose plate all that bullshit lands on? Lucky me! At that moment I was FRUSTRATED as hell, and felt like he left this responsibility for me to deal with since he'll be out of the house until the girls go to bed. Internally I wanted to explode and tell him how pissed I was at him.

The role of emotional dysregulationin explosive fights

When you are maxed out busy and overwhelmed, it can feel next to impossible to stop and take notice of how you are actually feeling without burning the entire world to the ground. It’s like you’re running on autopilot, not necessarily super aware of your emotions and how things might be building up for you. I mean, you know you’re pissed, but you may not have a full grasp of why you feel that way. Like, is it because you feel disrespected, not valued, or not considered? The lack of awareness you have in times like this can play a big role in why you blow up at your partner when frustrated or angry.

To deal with this, we recommend you act like a snail and slow the heck down so you can identify how you’re actually feeling when big, nasty emotions knock on your door. The way I do this is by acknowledging what I’m experiencing. Like, “I’m fucking frustrated right now”. Then I lean in a little more and ask myself “why”. I want to understand my feelings on a deeper level than what’s obvious on the surface. It’s obviously shitty for your partner to leave a big mess for you to clean up, but what about this is particularly upsetting for you? This is a crucial step if you want to express and deal with your feelings constructively, rather than just taking them for a ride to that familiar place you know will only make things worse.

How to stay emotionally regulated in fights with your partner

It’s not just hard to be aware of how you actually feel and why in a moment of rage, simply not behaving like a piece of shit can feel beyond difficult. Have you ever tried to not be a shitty parent while feeling mad? It’s hard and it sucks! Or feeling stressed out while trying to meet a tight deadline at work when you're in your probation period? It's like juggling 10 running chainsaws at the same time.

But no joke, I guarantee any terrible fight you’ve ever had with your better half has involved emotional dysregulation, which is a clever clogs way of saying “losing your shit”. To keep your shit together, or stay emotionally regulated, y’all gotta breathe, y’all gotta want to keep from losing your shit, and y’all gotta do things that help you stay reasonably cool.

And when I say “reasonably cool”, I mean just that. You don’t have to sound like mother goose when you just want to grab your boo and shake them, but make it your goal to be decent. As far as your breathing is concerned, I know this might sound so basic, like what you might try to teach your 4 year old, but breathing is one of the few ways we can keep ourselves from emotionally going off the rails. For real, I dare you right now to take one big deep breath, in through your nose for 4 seconds, and out through your mouth, and let us know in the comments how different you feel. Sure, it may not feel like you’ve just taken an edible, but you’re probably 1 teeny tiny degree calmer than you were before you took that breath.

If you can walk down the street and chew gum at the same time, you can make it your business to stay focused on your breath while approaching a hard conversation. Then, as far as wanting to stay emotionally regulated is concerned, that’s really a mindset thing. The fact of the matter is, if you set your mind to something, you’re way more likely to achieve it than if you don’t. There’s a sick, twisted part of everyone that just wants to flail when we feel upset, and if we don’t keep that in check, we’re likely to do just that. And to be real, that sick twisted part is just our human nature. As soon as we're feeling ramped up, our body is fully prepped for danger. So you need to teach your body that it ain't in danger! So tell yourself, “I’m gonna keep my shit together”, and it’s far more likely that you actually will.

And lastly, do things that keep you calm and grounded. Splash water on your face, pour yourself a cup of tea, or imagine that you're on the Bachelor. You don’t want to lose your shit on National TV and be forever known as a snapcase! Just do whatever helps you be your best self in these challenging moments.

The steps to avoiding explosive fights with your partner

Ok, so you’re mad, but you’re doing a good job of keeping yourself reasonably calm. You’re aware of how you feel, you understand why you feel that way, and you haven’t lost your shit. Believe it or not, none of this is an accident, you’re doing it all on purpose. Pat yourself on the back!

Now you have a very important question to answer: Do you say anything to your better half or do you zip it and keep that frustration in your noggin? Here’s where a cost/benefit analysis comes in handy. There are a whole host of reasons why you may feel like not expressing your frustration: Fear of conflict, fear of being a nag, fear of being misunderstood, fear of ruining a peaceful moment, or even fear of ruining your relationship as a whole.

There’s also the possibility that you’re feeling frustrated about something that’s not entirely fair, like maybe your partner made dinner and put the kids to bed, and you’re left cleaning up the kitchen while they enjoy some TV time. It’s annoying that you have to be tidying up the house when you’d much rather be relaxing too, but maybe it’s not entirely fair to expect them to help in that scenario.

Then of course there are reasons why it’s good to speak up when you decide it’s fair: Bottling up your feelings is like leaving leftovers in the fridge for weeks or months on end. You’re going to end up with some nasty, stank ass resentment; you can’t expect a problem to improve if you don’t deal with it; and harbouring frustrations creates disconnection. And distance and disconnect probably aren’t things you put on your relationship vision board.

So weigh the costs and benefits, and if you decide that talking about it really is the best option, then approach your partner in a thoughtful, intentional way, and be honest but respectful. Let’s say you’re pissed about the state of the house, it’s not going to work out so well to say “How dare you leave the house like this, you lazy son of a bitch?!” Instead, take a breath and say “Honey, I’m really annoyed with how messy the house was when I came in from work, and that I had to put it all back together. Can you please make more of an effort to keep that from happening in the future?” With this, you’re acknowledging your feelings, you’re being open and honest with your better half, and you’re addressing the issue, all without losing your shit and setting the dumpster on fire.

Expressing concerns and frustrations without losing your shit may not be easy, but you got this! It’s a skill, and just like anything else you’re good at, it takes practice! Talk to your better half about how you can both support one another in dealing with frustration and anger more constructively, and make it your mission to deal with those feelings without making matters worse.

We’re rooting for you, and if you’re a busy couple who’s sick and tired of having frustrating fights that go nowhere, check out our awesome online course SMART Conflict for Couples, where we guide you through absolutely everything you need to do to stop fighting and feel more connected and fulfilled in your relationship.