Therapist Debunks Self-Esteem Myths
“Self Love” is Not The Answer to Low Self-Esteem
Brace yourself! There’s an incoming hot take in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1:
Self-love is stupid.
Woah, did I just say that?! What the heck!? Am I even a therapist?
Ok, so maybe self-love itself isn’t stupid per sé. I mean, it’s good to love yourself, and to do things that are loving for yourself. But don’t you ever get tired and frustrated with all these messages you get all over social media that you just need to love yourself, and meanwhile there’s this nasty little voice inside your head that doesn’t want you to forget how much you suck?
Everyone’s always like, “You just need to love yourself”, and it’s like, “Bro, if only it were that easy”.
But here’s another hot take for you, and I hope you’re sitting down for this one: Just because it can feel like your worst enemy lives inside your head, and is always looking for opportunities to tear your down, doesn’t actually mean that you don’t love yourself. I know it might sound totally crazy, but all those nasty, negative thoughts that you have about yourself, and all the self-destructive behaviours you engage in to deal with them aren’t necessarily signs of self-hatred. In fact, you almost definitely do care for yourself, you've just been taught not to see it that way.
Why it Feels Hard to Love Yourself
I wrote this post to answer a question one of my clients had, which I know a lot of you are grappling with - “Why don't I love myself?” This is a complex issue, so I’m going to break down why this misunderstanding of our feelings about ourselves is so common, and explain why thoughts and behaviours that look like self-hatred on the surface aren't necessarily evidence of a lack of love or care for yourself. So buckle in and let’s get into it!
Psychology Has Been Wrong About Self-Love
First we need to lay some groundwork, and that means we’re going to travel back in time to the psychology land of yesterday. How far back do we need to go? Honestly, it doesn’t even frickin’ matter. You wanna start with Freud? Sure, let’s start there. What did Freud say? “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar?” Sure it is, buddy. But what did Freud say about psychological disorder and so-called self-destructive behaviour? He said that they stemmed from a sub-conscious desire to die, which motivates self-destructive behaviours. Well that doesn’t sound very self-loving!
Let’s jump ahead a little. How about Aaron Beck, the father of Cognitive Therapy? He said that self-destructive behaviors stem from deeply ingrained negative core beliefs, cognitive distortions, and negative automatic thoughts. So that fits pretty snug with the idea that self-destructive actions are an expression of genuine hate for yourself. This isn’t looking good, and I’m deeply concerned.
Ok, let’s modernize things a little. How about Mary Ainsworth, Queen of Attachment Theory? She said that internalized negative beliefs lead to actions that reflect those beliefs, including self-destructive behaviors.
These 3 quick examples of psychological theory throughout the ages show us that there’s a longstanding tradition of assuming that individuals really get on board the self-hate train and ride that sucker all the way to self-destruction town. By no means am I saying that these prominent thinkers in the field of psychology are trash, whose books should be burned and whose contributions are without value, but they make an assumption that I believe is out of pocket. By framing negative thoughts about oneself as “beliefs”, they imply that we actively subscribe to them. Thoughts and beliefs are not the same thing, and while it’s definitely true that people can internalize negative messages about themselves, we easily overlook a super important fact about our responses to these negative ideas.
What Our Feelings Tell Us About Self-Love
Let’s say you’re watching a show or reading a book and something good happens to a character you like. How do you feel? Good, right?
Ok, how about if something bad happens to that same beloved character? Devastating.
That makes sense, doesn’t it?
Ok, now you’re the character. How does it feel when someone says or does something kind, or complements you? Once again, you’ve got to admit that it feels good.
And if they put you down or make you feel less-than? Not great. Got it.
Ok, now last question: That person putting you down no longer lives in the physical world; they got themselves an executive 2-bedroom condo in your head. Now their messages are mainlined straight to your brain. How does it feel? F*ck!ng horrible! I know, right?
We feel bad when we think negative thoughts about ourselves because at the end of the day, we care about ourselves, just like we root for our favourite characters. We feel good feelings when good things happen to those we care about, and we feel bad feelings when bad things happen to them. As an aside, we also feel good feelings when bad things happen to those we truly hate. Like remember when Joffrey got his little ass poisoned on Game of Thrones, or when that dude who cut off that other dude’s ding dong and called him Reak got fed to his own dogs? You were doing the happy dance when those things happened, weren’t you?
But enough about epic TV shows, let’s talk science for a minute. What even are friggin’ human beings? Well, among many other things, we’re organisms. We may be highly evolved and super complex, but we’re ultimately no different than any other life form on Earth, in the sense that we’re wired to avoid adversity. Anyone who’s ever been a dick to ants, or spiders, or frogs, or chickens knows that they don’t put up with shit. They will do their best to get away from you if you’re not treating them right. This may not be the popular opinion in psychology land, which has a long history of propping up the idea that people really get on board with things that are bad for them, but there are a small handful of folks in the field who recognize that we actually do demonstrate care for ourselves despite the presence of those assholes and negative messages that live inside our heads.
Allan Wade is one person whose ideas have inspired us to see these things differently. He talks about resistance, which he defines as any behaviour or act where a person attempts to expose, withstand, repel, stop, prevent, abstain from, strive against, impede, refuse to comply with, or oppose any form of adversity. I know that’s a mouthful, and is super broad, but the point is that resistance can take many forms, including big actions, small actions, and even private thoughts. His idea is that people are never passive when facing bad experiences, and resistance is always present whenever there is adversity. If you think about it, it’s kinda weird that this isn’t the most popular way of looking at human struggles, because it totally fits with the fact that living things aim to sustain themselves and minimize suffering. Human beings should be no exception to this.
Explaining “Self-Hatred” and “Self-Destructive Behaviour”
That may all sound lovely, but then why the heck do we think bad things about ourselves and do things that hurt ourselves if we care so much about ourselves? Fair question!
It sucks thinking negative thoughts about yourself. And while there may be reasons that you do that that are very personal and unique to you, there are typically two reasons why we do this:
First of all, you have a working memory and have internalized those messages based on your experience of living in the world. We remember stuff, and we have a tendency to remember bad stuff more than good stuff. Like remember that time in your late 20’s when you felt too lazy to clean your kitchen so you put all your dirty dishes and containers in the oven, but then you got high and got a craving for pizza pockets, so you turned on the oven and all the plastic things melted? You remember that no problem, but what about all the times you pulled michelin star quality meals out of that hot boy?
The second reason is that we remember negative messages because they help us avoid social or interpersonal adversity, like judgment, rejection, and exclusion. If you think, “I’m such a loser and I can’t do anything right”, you’re probably going to avoid other people and situations where your shortcomings are on display, just like you’re likely to take a pass on an evening of live comedy featuring the hilarious and not at all sad Rob Schneider because you know you lose control of your bladder when you get the giggles. I’m not sitting here saying, “So aren’t these negative thoughts super great and helpful?!” because I know they’re no one’s idea of a good time, but they do play a surprising role in self-preservation. For more on this, watch our video that takes a deep dive into your inner critic.
Ok, I know it’s not 2017 anymore, I swear to god! But thinking back to that time Joffrey got his bitch-made ass poisoned, you know you went to sleep that night with a shit eating grin on your face because you were so happy to get a taste of sweet, sweet justice. What does that say about your sentiments toward that little bastard? I mean, it says that you hated his little ass because he was such an insufferable little prick! As far as all this self-hatred business is concerned, our feelings tell us a lot about where we stand on things, and if you feel bad when you think about all the supposed ways you’re trash, that’s a strong indication of how you really feel. It’s like what I said before about how we feel when good things or bad things happen to characters we root for. It’s one thing to think, “I suck and I’m a waste of space”, it’s another thing to get bummed out about that idea. You feeling bummed out shows you’re not here for that. If you were, wouldn’t you feel good that a bad thing is being said about such a loathsome individual? Really, the fact that you think negative thoughts about yourself is way less remarkable than the fact that you feel shitty when you think those thoughts. Those shitty feelings are actually an indication that you care about yourself and how you’re treated.
How about self-destructive behaviours? Surely those are irrefutable evidence of your undeniable self-loathing? Not so fast, junior! Even those bad habits that you know don’t really help your situation, like excessive drinking or substance use, binge eating, overspending, gambling, or unhealthy sexual behaviours serve a purpose that is surprisingly life-affirming. The suffering we experience around doing those things is really a bug, not a feature. In other words, they make us feel shitty because they’re not good for us, but we don’t do them to feel shitty, we do them to escape feeling shitty on an emotional level. All those behaviours I just mentioned are common forms of escape from really uncomfortable feelings. This totally fits with Allan Wade’s theory, that we resist suffering. Sometimes that resistance isn’t perfect. Sometimes it even creates ot her problems for us, but it’s resistance and an act of care for ourselves nonetheless. And to take this to an extreme, even those who think about suicide generally do so because it’s the least bad option that they can think of at the moment, or it’s a way of ending their suffering. And that’s not to say that that’s fine or not a big deal, but that that ideation and behaviour that is so often misunderstood as stemming from self-hatred actually comes from a longing to escape emotional pain, which is more pro-you than anti-you.
Ok, that all got a bit heavy, but this is some real shit. If you need to shake off some heaviness, stand up, move your body, and let us know in the comments whether you like kittens or bunnies more.
Now, it’s totally valid to see self-destructive behaviours as problematic because they cause suffering and carry with them a bunch of consequences that aren't ideal. You may try to convince yourself otherwise, but at the end of the day you know that you can’t really justify getting white girl wasted everyday just because you’re wearing your “It’s wine o’clock” tee shirt. Every. Single. Day. But it’s important to look at these behaviours in context and understand what they’re in response to. What I really want you to understand is that so-called self-hatred and self-destructive behaviours generally come from a place that is surprisingly self-caring, because they stem from the innate drive to resist adversity. Nonetheless, if drinking to excess, or stressing out over gambling debts, or feeling like crap after eating too much are getting old, it’s a great idea to work on replacing those behaviours with others that serve you better. Healthier responses to shitty feelings are probably more likely to actually help address the issues behind those emotions, and give you fewer things to feel bad about in your life. Life is hard enough. You don’t need more shame over how horribly you’ve dealt with things bringing you down further.
Dealing With Self-Hating Thoughts Effectively
So, the next time your inner critic is coming in loud and clear, consider that this doesn’t actually mean that you hate yourself. Just because you think something doesn’t mean you’re down with it, and your emotional response to those thoughts tells you all you need to know about how down with them you are. As for self-destructive behaviours, you can think of them as well-meaning but misguided. They’re the things we do to get immediate relief from hard feelings, but they also cause other problems that make them questionable options. One simple strategy to deal with the negative self-talk is to notice it when it’s happening, name it, like “Oh, there’s my inner critic again”, and respond to it, like, “It’s not helpful to think of myself like that”. Then, when it comes to changing self-destructive behaviours, notice your urge to do something regrettable, take a moment to pause, take a breath, and remind yourself that that doesn’t actually help and you don’t need more things to feel shitty about. Then do something that’s more likely to address the feeling you’re having better, like opening up to a supportive person in your life, writing in your journal, or going for a run.
