How to Stop Explosive Fights When You Feel Triggered

Why couples have explosive fights

It’s a feeling you’re all too familiar with.

With all the busy crap you have to deal with, you’re already permanently exhausted. And because apparently there’s no time to recover, you keep going, taking care of business.

And that’s when you stumble upon something infuriating. Maybe it’s a coffee mug in the bathroom, maybe it’s workout clothes left beside the laundry hamper (not in it), maybe it’s your whole ass house looking like it was ransacked by toddlers. You’re feeling both discouraged and pissed because you’ve talked to your better half about this very issue more times than you can count, and now your blood is fully boiling and you just want to rage!

I’m going to walk you through exactly what you need to do to be able to deal with these hard ass feelings constructively, so you don't lose your shit and end up with another dumpster fire fight that ends with someone sleeping on the couch or packing their bags.

The role of frustration in explosive fights for couples

There are countless ways Will and I drive each other crazy. Just imagine trying to run 2 businesses with your husband, and discovering that you have completely different work ethics and ways of thinking. Nightmare.

Then there's parenting differences on top of that. Even though we share values when it comes to raising our girls, we were raised differently and don't share a brain, so we can easily be pissed off by the different calls the other makes. And even though we can find ourselves wanting to claw eachothers eyes out or hurl offensive insults at one another, we know that blowing up at each other would only ruin our lives further and risk the health of our relationship.

This actually just happened to me last week. It was another annoying pro-d day, so the girls were at home all day and Will was on parenting duty. Before the day even started, I was stressed about the cost of Will taking the morning off work, and mom guilt for not being with them for the day. After I finished seeing clients, I walked into the house expecting it to be relatively tidy as Will and I tend to be on the same page about that. I come to find the house in a complete disaster - toys everywhere, dishes and old food out - and now Will is heading straight out to see clients! So guess whose plate all that bullshit lands on? Lucky me! At that moment I was FRUSTRATED as hell, and felt like he left this responsibility for me to deal with since he'll be out of the house until the girls go to bed. Internally I wanted to explode and tell him how pissed I was at him.

The role of emotional dysregulationin explosive fights

When you are maxed out busy and overwhelmed, it can feel next to impossible to stop and take notice of how you are actually feeling without burning the entire world to the ground. It’s like you’re running on autopilot, not necessarily super aware of your emotions and how things might be building up for you. I mean, you know you’re pissed, but you may not have a full grasp of why you feel that way. Like, is it because you feel disrespected, not valued, or not considered? The lack of awareness you have in times like this can play a big role in why you blow up at your partner when frustrated or angry.

To deal with this, we recommend you act like a snail and slow the heck down so you can identify how you’re actually feeling when big, nasty emotions knock on your door. The way I do this is by acknowledging what I’m experiencing. Like, “I’m fucking frustrated right now”. Then I lean in a little more and ask myself “why”. I want to understand my feelings on a deeper level than what’s obvious on the surface. It’s obviously shitty for your partner to leave a big mess for you to clean up, but what about this is particularly upsetting for you? This is a crucial step if you want to express and deal with your feelings constructively, rather than just taking them for a ride to that familiar place you know will only make things worse.

How to stay emotionally regulated in fights with your partner

It’s not just hard to be aware of how you actually feel and why in a moment of rage, simply not behaving like a piece of shit can feel beyond difficult. Have you ever tried to not be a shitty parent while feeling mad? It’s hard and it sucks! Or feeling stressed out while trying to meet a tight deadline at work when you're in your probation period? It's like juggling 10 running chainsaws at the same time.

But no joke, I guarantee any terrible fight you’ve ever had with your better half has involved emotional dysregulation, which is a clever clogs way of saying “losing your shit”. To keep your shit together, or stay emotionally regulated, y’all gotta breathe, y’all gotta want to keep from losing your shit, and y’all gotta do things that help you stay reasonably cool.

And when I say “reasonably cool”, I mean just that. You don’t have to sound like mother goose when you just want to grab your boo and shake them, but make it your goal to be decent. As far as your breathing is concerned, I know this might sound so basic, like what you might try to teach your 4 year old, but breathing is one of the few ways we can keep ourselves from emotionally going off the rails. For real, I dare you right now to take one big deep breath, in through your nose for 4 seconds, and out through your mouth, and let us know in the comments how different you feel. Sure, it may not feel like you’ve just taken an edible, but you’re probably 1 teeny tiny degree calmer than you were before you took that breath.

If you can walk down the street and chew gum at the same time, you can make it your business to stay focused on your breath while approaching a hard conversation. Then, as far as wanting to stay emotionally regulated is concerned, that’s really a mindset thing. The fact of the matter is, if you set your mind to something, you’re way more likely to achieve it than if you don’t. There’s a sick, twisted part of everyone that just wants to flail when we feel upset, and if we don’t keep that in check, we’re likely to do just that. And to be real, that sick twisted part is just our human nature. As soon as we're feeling ramped up, our body is fully prepped for danger. So you need to teach your body that it ain't in danger! So tell yourself, “I’m gonna keep my shit together”, and it’s far more likely that you actually will.

And lastly, do things that keep you calm and grounded. Splash water on your face, pour yourself a cup of tea, or imagine that you're on the Bachelor. You don’t want to lose your shit on National TV and be forever known as a snapcase! Just do whatever helps you be your best self in these challenging moments.

The steps to avoiding explosive fights with your partner

Ok, so you’re mad, but you’re doing a good job of keeping yourself reasonably calm. You’re aware of how you feel, you understand why you feel that way, and you haven’t lost your shit. Believe it or not, none of this is an accident, you’re doing it all on purpose. Pat yourself on the back!

Now you have a very important question to answer: Do you say anything to your better half or do you zip it and keep that frustration in your noggin? Here’s where a cost/benefit analysis comes in handy. There are a whole host of reasons why you may feel like not expressing your frustration: Fear of conflict, fear of being a nag, fear of being misunderstood, fear of ruining a peaceful moment, or even fear of ruining your relationship as a whole.

There’s also the possibility that you’re feeling frustrated about something that’s not entirely fair, like maybe your partner made dinner and put the kids to bed, and you’re left cleaning up the kitchen while they enjoy some TV time. It’s annoying that you have to be tidying up the house when you’d much rather be relaxing too, but maybe it’s not entirely fair to expect them to help in that scenario.

Then of course there are reasons why it’s good to speak up when you decide it’s fair: Bottling up your feelings is like leaving leftovers in the fridge for weeks or months on end. You’re going to end up with some nasty, stank ass resentment; you can’t expect a problem to improve if you don’t deal with it; and harbouring frustrations creates disconnection. And distance and disconnect probably aren’t things you put on your relationship vision board.

So weigh the costs and benefits, and if you decide that talking about it really is the best option, then approach your partner in a thoughtful, intentional way, and be honest but respectful. Let’s say you’re pissed about the state of the house, it’s not going to work out so well to say “How dare you leave the house like this, you lazy son of a bitch?!” Instead, take a breath and say “Honey, I’m really annoyed with how messy the house was when I came in from work, and that I had to put it all back together. Can you please make more of an effort to keep that from happening in the future?” With this, you’re acknowledging your feelings, you’re being open and honest with your better half, and you’re addressing the issue, all without losing your shit and setting the dumpster on fire.

Expressing concerns and frustrations without losing your shit may not be easy, but you got this! It’s a skill, and just like anything else you’re good at, it takes practice! Talk to your better half about how you can both support one another in dealing with frustration and anger more constructively, and make it your mission to deal with those feelings without making matters worse.

We’re rooting for you, and if you’re a busy couple who’s sick and tired of having frustrating fights that go nowhere, check out our awesome online course SMART Conflict for Couples, where we guide you through absolutely everything you need to do to stop fighting and feel more connected and fulfilled in your relationship.