How Conflict Avoidance Quietly Kills Your Relationship

What conflict avoidance looks like

Ok everybody, I want you to raise your hand if you’ve ever proclaimed that for your next birthday, all you really want is some gnarly conflict with your partner! Now let’s see here, how many hands do I see in the air…none!? I’m shocked!

I know conflict is nobody’s favourite pastime, especially with their better half. And why? Because it makes you feel all the feelings that aren’t any fun at all, and it leads to the most frustrating arguments that seem impossible to resolve. Why on earth would you run head first into that bullsh!t? So when your partner does something that hurts your feelings or irritates the sh!t out of you, you find ways to tune out the emotion and dodge the conflict like a ninja.

Maybe you pick up your phone and start scrolling, dive back into our videogame, have a glass of wine, or take a massive hit from that ice bong. After all, your feelings are probably just stupid or wrong, and bringing issues up with your better half will only cause problems, because it’s not like you’re fighting right now.

Maybe you've tried to address it with your partner before and they were defensive or invalidating. Maybe they dismissed you and left you feeling insecure in the relationship. Or worse, started raging at you for daring to express a little frustration.

Whatever your experience has been, you’ve got your reasons to avoid talking about your difficult feelings. And we get it, who wants a fight every time they’re a little irked or frustrated in their relationship?!

But then you start to figure out that your avoidance strategy isn’t the life hack you wish it was. You may not be fighting, but there’s this tension that you just can’t shake. It feels like you’re walking on eggshells and all your interactions are weird and awkward, and you’re getting mad and having stupid fights about things that really don’t seem like a big deal on the surface.

So is the avoidance worth it? I think we both know the answer to that question, and I’m going to explain how and why conflict avoidance actually leads to more fighting. I’ve also got some therapist-approved strategies to avoid those stupid fights, and if you read until the end I’ll tell you how to get your hands on our exclusive cheat sheet to help you face conflict in your relationship fearlessly.

How I learned that conflict avoidance doesn’t work

Not to brag, but I used to be the queen of avoidance. Any time I had a difficult feeling, especially in a relationship, I would do everything in my power to stuff it down into that overcrowded cavern we stick our feelings in. And it wasn't until I was in a relationship with Will that I came to realize that suppressing my feelings wasn't working all that well for me. I can remember the exact moment when I truly had to confront my way of communicating. We were doing our regular grocery shop and I cannot remember for the life of me why I was upset with Will, but I was. And so I did what I always did up to that point: I went silent. And I was so, so, soooo good at the silent treatment that Will finally had enough. He made it clear that if I was unwilling to be forthcoming about how I was feeling and express it to him, that he wasn't going to be able to continue in the relationship with me.

I was terrified. I valued our relationship so deeply, in no way did I want to be hurting him or punishing him with silence, but I felt frozen in those moments. It almost felt like it was impossible for me to speak because the fear was so intense. Fear that I wouldn't be understood, fear that my feelings were stupid and that I shouldn't be feeling this way to begin with, fear that my feelings would push Will away and ruin our relationship. But ironically, that’s also what avoidance was doing. While I was experiencing this fear, I also knew that I had to challenge myself to do things differently because avoidance was causing way bigger issues than the initial problem itself. Like a baby deer learning to walk, I very slowly, and with a lil trepidation, I began to express my feelings. Will was amazingly patient with me and was an incredible listener. He helped me to see that my feelings were actually valid and that it made sense why I was upset about whatever it was I was upset with - even if it was about him.

This was a massive turning point for me and our relationship. Over the past 10 years I’ve worked really hard at facing conflict like a warrior queen, and guess what? I’ve made conflict my bitch. By no means is it something I do for fun, but I recognize that it can actually be a safe, healthy, and productive process that makes things better in my life.

I want you to hear this piece - learning to be able to express my hard ass feelings has been one of the most freeing, empowering changes I’ve made in my life. And I’m not a unicorn. The exact same thing is true about the clients we’ve helped learn to stop avoiding conflict and start facing it with constructive courage.

How to stop avoiding conflict with your partner

Ok, so talking takes work, and if your lives are anything like ours, the last thing you have is energy in the tank for more goddamn work.

It would be so nice if you could put your relationship on autopilot and cruise through life without any bumps or detours while keeping the love bubble that started on your first date fully inflated. But if you're watching this right now, you’ve probably already figured out that the less open you are about the good, the bad, and the ugly, the more disconnected you feel in your relationship. And disconnection feels really, really shitty. This is where you start to feel more like roommates than romantic partners, and that’s just depressing. And if that isn’t the kicker, it’s not like you actually successfully avoid conflict while carrying on like this. You exist in a state of tension until someone gets fed up with something and loses their shit, and then you go at each other like two rabid hyenas. It’s not a pretty sight.

How conflict avoidance keeps problems unresolved

Be real with your girl for a minute: what do you think is easier, doing the work now and having some tough, but important conversations to work through your issues, or letting things fester until it feels like there’s not a single square inch of floor space covered with eggshells? If you said, “The first one”, you would be right. One big reason why conflict avoidance doesn’t work is because it leaves you with a way bigger, nastier mess to clean up later.

If you really want to understand something, do you tend to want more or less information on the subject? What a stupid, cheeky question that is, of course you want more information, because more information leads to a better understanding. The inverse is also true: having less information leads to a worse understanding, or dare I say, mis-understanding.

Your relationship and the stuff you have conflict about is no exception to this. And guess what rare and unexpected gift conflict offers you: the opportunity to gather useful information that could very well help resolve a fight - or even prevent future ones! Think of conflict as the process of working through a problem, and when you avoid it, you close the door to that opportunity. This leaves you stuck with assumptions that are probably not super warm and fuzzy toward your better half, and probably not entirely accurate. So if you like feeling stuck, resentful and perpetually a lil to a lot angry, avoiding conflict is a super effective way of keeping you there.

How conflict avoidance hurts your romantic connection

I could probably rattle off 100 more reasons why avoiding conflict screws over your relationship, but the last big one we’re going to cover in this video is the fact that it murders your connection. If you think of the problems in your relationship like junk, and conflict as the process of cleaning that shit up, the more you avoid dealing with issues, the more shit piles up. That shit takes up space, and over time it ends up displacing the good in your relationship, like feelings of fondness and care for one another (or hot, sexy attraction). This leaves you with a pile of stank ass resentment a mile high, and like I said earlier, that’s adding crap to the original issue, making it that much harder to work through.

Now here’s another cheeky little question for you: when you’re carrying around resentment, do you think that makes you more chill and easy going or more of a snapcase? If you guessed option B, you’re a goddamn genius! There’s a direct pipeline that runs from conflict avoidance, to resentment, to freaking out over small stuff because you feel so fucking pissed off inside all the time. Want to break free from that miserable cycle? There’s only one way: You both need to be willing to put it all on the table in a healthy, constructive way, and work through your shit.

If you’re sitting there like, “Throw us a bone, Laura! How the hell do we actually do that without the conversation devolving into a dumpster fire?” We got you! Check out our awesome online course SMART Conflict for Couples. Starting with the basics of healthy communication, Will and I walk you through everything you need to deal with conflict like pros, and nothing that you don’t.

I know conflict is hard and totally not fun, but a tense, mediocre relationship is worse. Tell me in the comments if I’m wrong!

How to Stop Explosive Fights When You Feel Triggered

Why couples have explosive fights

It’s a feeling you’re all too familiar with.

With all the busy crap you have to deal with, you’re already permanently exhausted. And because apparently there’s no time to recover, you keep going, taking care of business.

And that’s when you stumble upon something infuriating. Maybe it’s a coffee mug in the bathroom, maybe it’s workout clothes left beside the laundry hamper (not in it), maybe it’s your whole ass house looking like it was ransacked by toddlers. You’re feeling both discouraged and pissed because you’ve talked to your better half about this very issue more times than you can count, and now your blood is fully boiling and you just want to rage!

I’m going to walk you through exactly what you need to do to be able to deal with these hard ass feelings constructively, so you don't lose your shit and end up with another dumpster fire fight that ends with someone sleeping on the couch or packing their bags.

The role of frustration in explosive fights for couples

There are countless ways Will and I drive each other crazy. Just imagine trying to run 2 businesses with your husband, and discovering that you have completely different work ethics and ways of thinking. Nightmare.

Then there's parenting differences on top of that. Even though we share values when it comes to raising our girls, we were raised differently and don't share a brain, so we can easily be pissed off by the different calls the other makes. And even though we can find ourselves wanting to claw eachothers eyes out or hurl offensive insults at one another, we know that blowing up at each other would only ruin our lives further and risk the health of our relationship.

This actually just happened to me last week. It was another annoying pro-d day, so the girls were at home all day and Will was on parenting duty. Before the day even started, I was stressed about the cost of Will taking the morning off work, and mom guilt for not being with them for the day. After I finished seeing clients, I walked into the house expecting it to be relatively tidy as Will and I tend to be on the same page about that. I come to find the house in a complete disaster - toys everywhere, dishes and old food out - and now Will is heading straight out to see clients! So guess whose plate all that bullshit lands on? Lucky me! At that moment I was FRUSTRATED as hell, and felt like he left this responsibility for me to deal with since he'll be out of the house until the girls go to bed. Internally I wanted to explode and tell him how pissed I was at him.

The role of emotional dysregulationin explosive fights

When you are maxed out busy and overwhelmed, it can feel next to impossible to stop and take notice of how you are actually feeling without burning the entire world to the ground. It’s like you’re running on autopilot, not necessarily super aware of your emotions and how things might be building up for you. I mean, you know you’re pissed, but you may not have a full grasp of why you feel that way. Like, is it because you feel disrespected, not valued, or not considered? The lack of awareness you have in times like this can play a big role in why you blow up at your partner when frustrated or angry.

To deal with this, we recommend you act like a snail and slow the heck down so you can identify how you’re actually feeling when big, nasty emotions knock on your door. The way I do this is by acknowledging what I’m experiencing. Like, “I’m fucking frustrated right now”. Then I lean in a little more and ask myself “why”. I want to understand my feelings on a deeper level than what’s obvious on the surface. It’s obviously shitty for your partner to leave a big mess for you to clean up, but what about this is particularly upsetting for you? This is a crucial step if you want to express and deal with your feelings constructively, rather than just taking them for a ride to that familiar place you know will only make things worse.

How to stay emotionally regulated in fights with your partner

It’s not just hard to be aware of how you actually feel and why in a moment of rage, simply not behaving like a piece of shit can feel beyond difficult. Have you ever tried to not be a shitty parent while feeling mad? It’s hard and it sucks! Or feeling stressed out while trying to meet a tight deadline at work when you're in your probation period? It's like juggling 10 running chainsaws at the same time.

But no joke, I guarantee any terrible fight you’ve ever had with your better half has involved emotional dysregulation, which is a clever clogs way of saying “losing your shit”. To keep your shit together, or stay emotionally regulated, y’all gotta breathe, y’all gotta want to keep from losing your shit, and y’all gotta do things that help you stay reasonably cool.

And when I say “reasonably cool”, I mean just that. You don’t have to sound like mother goose when you just want to grab your boo and shake them, but make it your goal to be decent. As far as your breathing is concerned, I know this might sound so basic, like what you might try to teach your 4 year old, but breathing is one of the few ways we can keep ourselves from emotionally going off the rails. For real, I dare you right now to take one big deep breath, in through your nose for 4 seconds, and out through your mouth, and let us know in the comments how different you feel. Sure, it may not feel like you’ve just taken an edible, but you’re probably 1 teeny tiny degree calmer than you were before you took that breath.

If you can walk down the street and chew gum at the same time, you can make it your business to stay focused on your breath while approaching a hard conversation. Then, as far as wanting to stay emotionally regulated is concerned, that’s really a mindset thing. The fact of the matter is, if you set your mind to something, you’re way more likely to achieve it than if you don’t. There’s a sick, twisted part of everyone that just wants to flail when we feel upset, and if we don’t keep that in check, we’re likely to do just that. And to be real, that sick twisted part is just our human nature. As soon as we're feeling ramped up, our body is fully prepped for danger. So you need to teach your body that it ain't in danger! So tell yourself, “I’m gonna keep my shit together”, and it’s far more likely that you actually will.

And lastly, do things that keep you calm and grounded. Splash water on your face, pour yourself a cup of tea, or imagine that you're on the Bachelor. You don’t want to lose your shit on National TV and be forever known as a snapcase! Just do whatever helps you be your best self in these challenging moments.

The steps to avoiding explosive fights with your partner

Ok, so you’re mad, but you’re doing a good job of keeping yourself reasonably calm. You’re aware of how you feel, you understand why you feel that way, and you haven’t lost your shit. Believe it or not, none of this is an accident, you’re doing it all on purpose. Pat yourself on the back!

Now you have a very important question to answer: Do you say anything to your better half or do you zip it and keep that frustration in your noggin? Here’s where a cost/benefit analysis comes in handy. There are a whole host of reasons why you may feel like not expressing your frustration: Fear of conflict, fear of being a nag, fear of being misunderstood, fear of ruining a peaceful moment, or even fear of ruining your relationship as a whole.

There’s also the possibility that you’re feeling frustrated about something that’s not entirely fair, like maybe your partner made dinner and put the kids to bed, and you’re left cleaning up the kitchen while they enjoy some TV time. It’s annoying that you have to be tidying up the house when you’d much rather be relaxing too, but maybe it’s not entirely fair to expect them to help in that scenario.

Then of course there are reasons why it’s good to speak up when you decide it’s fair: Bottling up your feelings is like leaving leftovers in the fridge for weeks or months on end. You’re going to end up with some nasty, stank ass resentment; you can’t expect a problem to improve if you don’t deal with it; and harbouring frustrations creates disconnection. And distance and disconnect probably aren’t things you put on your relationship vision board.

So weigh the costs and benefits, and if you decide that talking about it really is the best option, then approach your partner in a thoughtful, intentional way, and be honest but respectful. Let’s say you’re pissed about the state of the house, it’s not going to work out so well to say “How dare you leave the house like this, you lazy son of a bitch?!” Instead, take a breath and say “Honey, I’m really annoyed with how messy the house was when I came in from work, and that I had to put it all back together. Can you please make more of an effort to keep that from happening in the future?” With this, you’re acknowledging your feelings, you’re being open and honest with your better half, and you’re addressing the issue, all without losing your shit and setting the dumpster on fire.

Expressing concerns and frustrations without losing your shit may not be easy, but you got this! It’s a skill, and just like anything else you’re good at, it takes practice! Talk to your better half about how you can both support one another in dealing with frustration and anger more constructively, and make it your mission to deal with those feelings without making matters worse.

We’re rooting for you, and if you’re a busy couple who’s sick and tired of having frustrating fights that go nowhere, check out our awesome online course SMART Conflict for Couples, where we guide you through absolutely everything you need to do to stop fighting and feel more connected and fulfilled in your relationship.

Overcome your Inner Critic with this Super Helpful Tool

Turn down the volume on your inner critic

If it feels like you can't do anything without some critical voice in your head chirping about how you’re probably gonna screw up, or embarrass yourself, or ruin everything and be doomed to a life of misery and loneliness, it’s a safe bet that you’re probably over it.

And who can blame you? If that critical voice were a real person following you around, you probably would have called the police or stuffed them in a dumpster by now, but that’s hard to do with something that lives inside your head.

Well fear not, because by the end of this post you will have levelled up your understanding of what the heck that critical voice is, where it comes from, and how you can turn down its volume so you stop feeling like shit all the time.

Why you have an inner critical voice

It’s super easy to take this for granted, but have you ever noticed how most of the conversations you have in a day actually take place in your own head? If you stop and pay attention, you’ll notice that you’re constantly chatting with someone in your mind, sometimes with yourself, sometimes with one of the thousands of people you’ve cloned and internalized, but always with someone inside. And no, you’re not crazy! This is totally normal.

A lot of those conversations may be neutral, but some of them are not so nice, and they tend to stick out like a sore thumb.

Your inner critic draws your attention to the things you’re sensitive or insecure about, particularly things that you’re scared people will judge your ass for. All of this understandably makes you feel stressed out, anxious, hopeless, or depressed.

Now, you’re probably thinking that the very existence of your inner critic is totally f’ed up and dysfunctional, like your brain wasn’t wired right in the factory. This may be an unpopular opinion, but the fact that you have an inner critic isn’t exactly a bad thing. Even though that critical voice doesn’t exactly make for a fun time, it does serve an adaptive purpose, which we’ll get into. But first, it’s story time.

So, I used to truly believe that I hated myself. Puberty hit me hard. I remember scribbling away in my diary in grade 5 boasting about how I was the most popular girl in my class (I wasn't) and was so so cool. Fast forward only one year later and it was the complete opposite. “Dear Diary, I hate myself so much. I am so ugly and fat and disgusting and no one likes me”. I wrestled with this nasty, mean voice for almost 20 years. And I tried everything - all the self help books, all the hypnosis, all the CBT, all the positive affirmations. And it would work, sort of, for a short period of time. Fake-it-til-you-make-it wind in my sails. But that nasty critical voice with all its hurtful words would always sneak back in and make me believe that I was the worst human being alive. And this voice had a lot of evidence to prove that I wasn't worthy of love - from myself or anyone else. I was single, I was broke, I was chubby, I engaged in binge eating and spending money I didn't have, I escaped with a cocktail of weed, food, wine and my favourite tv shows. Then I felt like even more of a loser for relying on those things. A lot of people might think the way I overcame this was by changing the behaviours and proving to myself that I was worthy of loving myself. But it actually wasn’t. Through helpful conversations and learning more about the human condition, I came to realize that I wasn't broken and that I didn’t need to be fixed, but that I had found very creative ways to survive and resist feelings of insecurity and fear. And that's exactly what we’re here to teach you how to do too!

Making sense of your inner critic through evolutionary psychology

Ok, so let’s get back to the crazy idea that the critical voice that lives in your head isn't actually the enemy. I know, I know, it’s hard to believe, but it’s actually there to protect you.

To make sense of this, we need to look back in time about 100 thousand years. Back when we used to live in caves and didn't have the security of modern day life, with running water, electricity, and grocery stores, it was imperative for us to get along and work together to get our next meal and fight off whatever animals wanted to make us their next meal. Because of this very primitive need to belong to a group, we developed an innate fear of rejection and exclusion.

Why? Because if we got kicked out of the group, we dead. And I mean real dead. And whether or not we belonged depended on how closely we lived up to the group's rules and ideas of what it means to be a decent cave person. So if the group rule is that everyone takes one serving of woolly mammoth before going back for seconds, and Fiona gets cocky and grabs two meaty mammoth ribs, you better believe it’s over for her. And those sabre tooth kitties are going to be feasting on Fiona's succulent bones with the quickness. Okay, that got a little dark. This is where the social anxiety and feelings of insecurity make total sense. Clearly our species has not lost that instinct for inclusion. This survival instinct fits hand in glove with human insecurity, which set the stage for the critical voice. If Fiona felt insecure and afraid of getting rejected, she would feel on alert and have that little voice saying “don't be bad, don't be greedy, don't go for seconds, Janet and Janice would rat you out and then you dead, girl.

The critical voice is a response to and representation of our fear and insecurity, and parrots the values and rules of the group. Today, the list of rules and expectations can seem endless. That's why it can feel like we fully hate ourselves. Because we can't actually be everything that our society expects of us. We gotta be wealthy, have just the right body, be educated, have a well respected job, own a home, have two cars, two kids, and go on vacation multiple times a year. And on top of all of that we have to be fucking confident!

All of that is to say that we are vulnerable to judgment, exclusion, and rejection, and there’s a long list of ways we can be judged, excluded, and rejected. Your critical voice is like your radar for the things you are aware of that could end with you being seen by others in a bad light.

How to silence your inner critic

I’m going to give you a strategy that’s not only helped me, but tons of my own clients in therapy over the years. Like so many problems in life, you need to start with awareness and challenge yourself to notice your critical voice when it pops into your head. I know, I know, this is likely the last thing you want to do. It can be uncomfortable to acknowledge and engage with that voice. It's in our nature to want to avoid anything that feels shitty, so you're probably pretty good at finding ways to distract yourself from really facing your critical voice.

Despite not wanting to engage, the first step in changing your relationship to your critical voice is to notice it and name it. When an unkind thought crosses your mind, acknowledge to yourself, “that bitch right there, that’s my critical voice”.

Why do this? First, it allows you to have more of an arm’s length relationship with your inner critic, rather than feeling consumed by it and responding reactively.

Secondly, it’s an acknowledgment that although it’s a thought that you’re having, you don’t have to agree with it. We’re taught all sorts of nonsense over the course of our lives, and it’s not like we just erase old, outdated perspectives and beliefs from our memories when we form new ones that we prefer. We intentionally choose to disregard them.

Take prejudice for example. A lot of people learn some sort of prejudiced or discriminatory ideas while growing up, and then hopefully arrive at the conclusion that they’re stupid and whack as they get older. You may very well still have prejudiced or discriminatory thoughts cross your mind because you've been taught to think that way, but you become able to privately respond to them like, “Nah, that’s not cool”. The same is true of your critical voice. Just because you're thinking something doesn’t mean you’re down with it.

After acknowledging the presence of your critical voice, it can also be helpful to remember the fact that as a human being, you have an evolutionary need to belong, and that even though it’s not super obvious, the fear you feel around rejection or exclusion comes from a place of care for yourself. Remember: fear of rejection and judgment, and feelings of insecurity are normal. They are there to protect us so we don't die on this crazy, dangerous planet. And while they may be normal and understandable because we're human, the messaging that can go along with them is likely not totally fair or accurate.

If you do the first step, then you’re well on your way to the second, which is all about emotional regulation. A common reason why the critical voice is often a problem for people is because they deal with it through avoidance, and that avoidant behaviour creates other problems in their life, that just gives the critical voice more ammo. Among the most effective and destructive avoidance strategies are addictions to things like alcohol and other substances, gambling, shopping, or even food. Insecurity and fear feels bad, so we do things to feel good. Unfortunately, despite your best intentions to protect yourself from hard feelings, numbing out your critical voice means you fail to deal with it, and you become dependent on things to regulate your emotions, which only compounds the problem and makes you feel even shittier about yourself.

We’re all about self-empowerment, and so even though it’s harder in most ways, we strongly encourage you to face your hard feelings, to build trust that you ain't going to die from feeling them. For example, if your critical voice is saying “You're an idiot, you can’t do anything right, and no one is ever going to like you, let alone love you”, take a deep breath and do something to bring you back to the present moment. What can you see in front of you? What can you feel? What can you hear?

Tools to silence your inner critic

When you're feeling emotionally clear enough to think, it’s time to explore why your critical voice is showing up when it is. If you’re a pen and paper kind of person, grab a journal and flesh out the who, what, where, when, and why of the situation. You’ll find a reflection exercise in the description down below, but for now, some questions worth answering are, what happened, and specifically, what the heck were you doing before your critical voice piped up? What was it about that particular situation that makes sense for your critical voice to make an appearance? Keep in mind all of the daft rules and expectations our society has for us, and how they are likely part of the equation. Like maybe you struggle with the expectation that you need to come across as über successful in order to have any worth as a person. You can ask, are there any particular insecurities or fears that tie in to the message of your critical voice? For example, if you have an insecurity around success, even small, everyday mistakes, like spilling your coffee, can have your inner critic all like, “You idiot! How are you ever going to make something of yourself if you can’t even keep from spilling a cup o’ Joe?!”. If its goal is to protect you from shame or embarrassment or rejection, what could be shameful or embarrassing about what you were doing?

This is also when empathy and emotional validation for yourself is your BFF. If it's too hard to provide this to yourself, because your critical voice doesn’t make it easy, imagine a friend experiencing something similar and how you would feel for them. Why is it understandable for you (or them) to feel insecure or fearful of rejection? Why does it make sense to be critical about this particular subject? Are there any experiences you’ve had that have taught you to be on high alert for times like this?

What we’re basically encouraging by laying out this approach to dealing with your critical voice is a radically different way of handling insecurity. Because running away from it, creating a facade to conceal it, or living life on defensive mode don’t work. In fact, they usually make your insecure feelings and the prevalence of your critical voice worse. Instead, mindfully acknowledging the presence of your critical voice and reminding yourself that it exists to help you avoid the pitfalls of social alienation can help make it feel less distressing when it shows up.

The final step is to then assert your own preferred, more fair and realistic message over the one that your critical voice carries. Let’s say, like me, your critical voice says “you look fat today” and I feel insecure and shameful hearing this message. Part of me would love to escape feeling this way because it fucking suuuuucks to have these feelings. But because I’ve trained my emotional muscles, I would then acknowledge to myself, “I feel insecure right now and it’s showing up with this old story that I should feel ashamed of my body because I’m not a size 0, and society celebrates and values this body type more than mine. And I don’t agree with society’s rule that in order to have value as a human being, a body has to be a certain size. I’m having this hard feeling, but I don’t agree with it.” And I can then focus my attention on how to nurture or care for myself while this feeling is here, and trust that it will eventually ease.

Because you don’t need a Darwin Award on your mantle, remember that fear and insecurity are there to help keep you alive! These feelings have been part of our species’ survival, so we cannot expect ourselves to think our way out of having them. Instead, we have to accept that fear and insecurity are part of our human experience, and it's all about dealing with them effectively.

Even though it may sound ass backwards, the idea that your critical voice is there to help you survive makes sense. By following the steps we laid in this video, you can expect that the intensity of your critical voice will decrease over time. By mindfully holding your critical voice at arm’s length and remembering its purpose, you can feel less distressed and discouraged when it pipes up.

Break Free From Guilt: The Surprising Secret To Letting Go

What does guilt feel like?

Ever feel like crawling out of your skin from the ick of guilt?

It’s a feeling you may know all too well. You’re out there, living your life, minding your own business, when BAM, you’re reminded of something you said or did that makes you want to just crawl into a hole and never come out.

And then the spiral begins.

“Why did I do that?” ”How will people judge me for this?” “Does this mean that I’m a bad person?”

Now, not only do you want to crawl into a hole, you feel like you could die in it too because you’re totally crippled by anxiety and guilt.

In this post, I'm here to help you learn how to get to the root of your feelings of guilt so that you can finally feel cool as a cucumber.

What does it mean to feel guilty?

What even is guilt? Guilt is that awful, icky emotion that we experience when we do things that we fear are bad or wrong. It’s kind of like when you ask your phone for directions and then think, “I know better than a daft computer!” and you start going wherever the hell you want. But then Siri’s like, “Hey dumb dumb, I said go straight! Why’d you go down this stupid street? Turn right!” because she wants you to get back on course.

Guilt is there to tell you that your actions are out of line with your morals or values and it wants to bring you back on track. Sometimes it’s for reasons that are totally valid and relatable, sometimes it’s for reasons that are kinda weird and don’t make total sense.

Now, this might sound weird, but even though guilt can feel really f*#@!ng terrible, it isn’t actually a bad feeling. Don’t get me wrong, it feels bad, but like all feelings, guilt serves a purpose. It’s there to help us remember not to make the same mistake twice…or 3 times…or maybe 6. It’s not like I would know!

You could think about it like your physical pain receptors: If you put your hand on a hot stove, it’s going to hurt, which (hopefully) discourages you from doing it again. You think, “Hmmm, that wasn’t fun. I need to rethink my relationship with hot stoves”. Guilt works in a similar way, just on an emotional level.

Because feeling f*#@!ng terrible sucks, guilt is there to teach us not to do things that threaten or hurt our relationships or our social standing. It’s like when you eat most of your kids’ Halloween candy and then see their sad little faces and lie to them and tell them that it was probably a rat that got into the house that loves candy, and it’s hiding it away in its little rat nest, and then you feel terrible, so tell yourself, “I need to do better”…that’s guilt. We care about their little fee fees and therefore we feel bad for hurting them.

Why is some guilt hard to shake?

Like a lot of feelings, the intensity of guilt tends to fade with time. In most cases, we feel really bad about something we did shortly after doing it, but we make peace with the guilt by learning from the experience. In our heads, most of the time this sounds like,

Guilt: “You did something bad!”

You: “Yeah, I did, and I’ve learned from it and am trying not to do it again”

But we’re not really here to talk about that. We’re here to talk about that guilt that just won’t quit. That guilt that hangs on like a leech that just won’t f*#@!ng let go! And you want it to let go, and frankly, we want it to let go too!

So if you want guilt to just chill for once in its miserable life, we need to go a little deeper. You need to understand your beliefs about good and bad, and how this relates to fears you have around rejection. Like literally all other emotions, guilt comes from how we see or understand things. If you believe something is wrong or bad to do, you’re likely to feel guilt when you do it. On the other hand, if you perceive something as somehow positive, you’re pretty much guaranteed not to feel guilty.

Sex and guilt: an example

Sex is the perfect example of this. If you were raised in a religious household and learned that “doing the nasty” outside of marriage makes God feel like he just had to put his dog down, there’s a good chance that you’re feeling super guilty if you happen to get lucky. This guilt is often mixed with fear because you not only did something considered bad, you know that other people believe it's bad and can judge the shit out of you for it. And that judgment is scary because we do not want to be rejected and be condemned to hell. That fear is some basic animal instinct shit, because we are pack animals at the end of the day, and our survival once depended on belonging to the group. This is why guilt can ring such strong emotional alarm bells for us.

Guilt is a matter of perspective

How you see things goes hand in hand with how you feel, so if you want to manage a feeling like guilt, you need to look at how your beliefs contribute to it. Part of the process of doing that can involve unpacking how you came to hold the perspective you have.

This is where I’ll invite you to bust out your journal, grab your favourite pen, and pick something you have felt guilty about. It could literally be anything. Now answer the question:

“How did I learn that thing is wrong or bad?”

As best you can, flesh out the people and societal rules that have contributed to the formation of this perspective.

Now, the kind of guilt that causes seemingly endless torture is usually not just about the fact that you see something you've done as wrong - it’s about the meaning we make of having done that thing. What I mean is that the clincher tends to be what your actions say about the kind of person you are. As in, “Does having done this bad thing make me a bad person?”

Let’s go back to our sex example, and not just because I have a one track mind! So let’s say you have a hot and heavy sexcapade with another person you find hot, hot, hot. You don’t have any stupid shame because of how you were raised, and so you’re overall pretty pleased with yourself. If you were to ask yourself, “What does the fact that I did this say about me as a person?”, chances are you’d say, “It says I rule.”; “It says I’m attractive, desirable”; “It says I’m down for a good time”. All good things.

Now, on the other hand, let’s say it was drilled into your head that premarital sex is demon behaviour. People who carry on like that are sinners, and sinners go to Hell, and Hell suuuuucks. It’s hot and it smells like egg farts. You are a bad person. And bad people get kicked out of the group.

If you really believe that, or if you struggle to totally discount and disbelieve that idea, it’s going to be hard to not struggle with the kind of guilt that just won’t quit.

How to stop feeling guilty all the time

This may not be a popular opinion with everybody, but we believe that the meanings and abstract consequences that we associate with stuff are totally subjective. There’s no objective truth here, it’s pretty much all a matter of subjectivity. I like to think of these perspectives in terms of societal ideals and norms. As in, the standards that our society sets to define our value and worth, and whether we belong or ought to be excluded.

For example, we have the societal story that says that consensual sex between two individuals who are DTF is a great way to spend a Tuesday afternoon, versus the story that says that those two people are naughty biscotti who ought to be dipped in the hot, stinky rivers of Hell. Neither is objectively true, but one lends itself to making people feel really bad, while the other probably has the opposite effect.

Now it’s time to pick up that journal again and do a little reflecting on how you came to see that particular consequence for the thing you feel guilty about.

Ask yourself, “What does this story say about people who do the thing I feel guilty about?”, and “How does this explain my feelings about the thing I did?”, or simply, “How does this explain my guilt?”

Once you have a solid understanding of how you came upon the perspective that informs your stubborn feelings of guilt, and you understand that the story is both arbitrary and totally subjective, it’s time to go shopping! But before you get carried away and blow your whole paycheck on a baller Amazon order, you need to know what we’re shopping for. You are in the market for a new story. One that doesn’t make you feel like crap for dumb reasons.

You need a perspective that’s a little bit fairer and more considerate of the human condition, not one that holds you to unrealistic or totally unnecessary standards. Here’s where you get to be creative. For one last time, drag out that journal and reflect on the question, “How do I want to see this issue, and what are fair consequences for having done the thing I feel guilty about?”

Here’s a personal example: I’ve done plenty of things while stumbling my way through life that I regret deeply. I have acted against my ethical beliefs and have suffered with the bitter taste of guilt as a result. However, the story that I choose to listen to says that everybody screws up, and that learning from those mistakes is what really matters.

I generally don’t believe in the idea of good or bad people, and I believe that what counts is trying my best and learning from my mistakes. I want other people to like and accept me, and see me as valuable (because I’m human after all), but I also know that I can’t control how other people judge me, and if they think I suck, then so be it (yes it stings, but I can handle that feeling without it turning into a belief about myself).

Haters don’t define me or my worth, even if I experience fear that they do. I can’t change my past, but I can choose how I behave in the future. All of these principles are part of my belief system, and they hit the sweet spot between taking responsibility for my mistakes and allowing me to sleep at night without crippling anxiety over whether or not I’m a horrible person who deserves to be marooned on an island in the middle of the ocean.

Change your relationship to guilt

You’ve got enough bullshit to deal with in life. You don’t need unfair and unnecessary guilt making your life even worse. And we want to help you with that. Now, an important reminder here is that shifting your relationship with guilt takes practice! This isn't about expecting guilt to somehow vanish from your life. It’s about shifting how you respond to it. It's normal to feel guilty and worry that you’re a bad person. Your evolutionary human survival instincts are just trying to get you to control your behaviour so that you’re not ousted by your people.

What you need to do is take a beat after feeling it and question whether or not the guilt you feel is truly fair and based on a valid perspective that you agree with. From there, question whether you’re really doing anything wrong to deserve being branded as a bad person.

To help you shift your relationship with guilt, here’s a link to a totally free exercise to help you dial back the guilt and turn up the chill vibes.

Why SOME Experiences are Traumatic (And Others Aren't)

Transcript

Everyone goes through difficult times, but not everyone experiences trauma. In this video, I explain why some experiences are traumatic and others aren’t. So keep watching to learn why!

Hi folks, I’m Will Bratt from Heart & Oak Therapy, supporting better, brighter lives.

We’re trauma therapists who do regular videos on mental wellness, and give practical ideas and tips to make your life happier and more fulfilling – so hit the subscribe button to keep in the loop!

It’s no mystery that human beings are a diverse lot, and that’s made abundantly clear by the phenomenon of trauma. Two people can be side-by-side experiencing the same adverse event, and one can find it distressing while the other finds it traumatic. So why is that?

In this video I’ll be casting light on things that make it more likely for an experience to be traumatic.

In our last video, “Why You Can’t Just ‘Get Over’ Past Trauma”, I laid out what it is we’re talking about when we’re talking about trauma. I put a link in the description, so if you haven’t watched that video yet, make sure to check it out. Among other things, in that video I explain that a trauma response is something we have when we’ve experienced something overwhelmingly distressing, often of a terrifying nature. It’s how we respond to the worst of the worst kinds of events and experiences.

Now, an important nuance is that there are no set experiences that are inherently traumatic in themselves. But if it’s not the event itself that dictates whether an experience is traumatic, then what does? Well, let’s dive into that!

1.    First off, the nature of the event itself does tie in to whether or not you’re likely to experience it as traumatic. What I mean here is that there are certain kinds of events that most people are likely to experience as overwhelmingly distressing. Events like natural disasters, motor vehicle accidents, large scale acts of violence or terrorism, as well as interpersonal violence and persistent abuse and mistreatment, are all commonly associated with trauma responses – especially if they could or do result in loss of life. This doesn’t mean that you absolutely will experience any one of these kinds of events as traumatic, but these do tend to be the kinds of things that people find to be traumatic – more so than, say, a nearly averted car accident, or an assault that you were able to stop or get away from.

2.    Another factor that can make it more likely for an adverse experience to be traumatic is if it’s interpersonal in nature. While it’s absolutely true that a natural disaster or accident can be traumatic, there is something about intentional interpersonal violence or abuse that most people find to be far more distressing. This makes sense, as intentional harm generally requires someone to make a decision to hurt others, whereas natural disasters or accidents are more random and not born out of an intent to harm. A lot of people find it easier to accept that they were at the wrong place at the wrong time, as opposed to being a chosen victim of someone else’s malicious intent.

3.    The degree of control you have within a distressing event also ties in to whether you’re likely to experience it as traumatic. Generally speaking, the more free will you’re able to exercise, the more likely it is that you can mitigate the harm done to yourself or the others involved. In other words, the more you’re able to effectively resist, the less profoundly you’re likely to feel traumatic distress in the aftermath.

4.    Social responses are a factor that often gets overlooked when talking about trauma, but are absolutely relevant when it comes to the degree to which you feel post-traumatic distress. If you experience any kind of overwhelming event – whether it’s interpersonal violence or abuse, or an accident or natural disaster – and you receive positive, helpful, just social responses, you’re likely to feel more ok when it’s all said and done. If, on the other hand, you receive negative, blaming, shaming, ineffective, or harmful responses from others, you’re more likely to struggle down the road. The reason for this is pretty simple, and it all comes down to safety. Overwhelming events disrupt our sense of safety in our lives or in the world, and helpful social responses serve to restore our sense of wellbeing. On the flip side, negative social responses reinforce our sense of unsafety and understandably make it hard to feel at ease in our lives.

5.    Your values and the meaning you attribute to an adverse experience or event also plays in to why you might find it to be traumatic. This factor is a lot more complex and nuanced than I can illustrate in this video. There’s a wide spectrum of things that contribute to the meaning we make of an experience, including some of the factors I’ve already mentioned in this video. But at the risk of oversimplifying this one, I will say that how you make sense of an event relates to the emotional response you have to it.

6.    This connects closely to another factor, which is your level of sensitivity to the particular kind of adverse experience. Someone who is gradually desensitized to adverse content or experiences would likely find it less difficult to accept and move on from the same experience that someone with less exposure to that kind of content might. For example, a veteran paramedic might be unsettled, but otherwise ok after witnessing the aftermath of a tragic accident, while a more junior paramedic could really struggle.

7.    The second last factor that plays into why some experiences are traumatic while others aren’t is the intensity and duration of the experience. If you think that the more intense an adverse event is, the more likely it is that someone will find it traumatizing, you’re absolutely right. Of course, while all potentially traumatic experiences are unique in their own right, it’s probably fair to say that it would be more traumatizing to be held hostage in a bank robbery where the robbers are brutal, ruthless, and violent, versus one in which the robbers are calm, considerate, and kind – as far as bank robbers go. Similarly, it’s generally assumed that adversity, like abuse, that happens once or twice and never again, is likely to be less traumatizing than repeated violations over a longer period of time. Of course, there are other contextual factors that can contribute to how we respond to these kinds of experiences, but less is generally easier to handle than more.

8.    Finally, the last factor that can make a difference in terms of whether an experience is traumatic or not is the age at which it happened. We generally implicitly know this to be true, but children are often more vulnerable than adults. This ties in to a couple of the factors already mentioned in this video, like our sensitivity to a kind of adversity, and our capacity to control what happens. This is clear by how we, as adults, often respond to children who are in the presence of graphic or violent content by shielding their eyes. I remember being a little kid and seeing violent movies that were not appropriate for someone my age, and feeling really scared for some time after. Now, years later, I can watch movies or TV shows with graphic violence and feel somewhat unsettled, but more or less ok. While this may not exactly be an example of trauma, the analogy still fits. Because of the tendency for children to be more sensitive and vulnerable to adversity than adults, it can be more likely that a younger person will find an overwhelmingly adverse experience to be traumatizing.

So there are several reasons why some experiences are traumatic and others aren’t. It’s a real mix of both individual and contextual factors.

Now I’m wondering if there are any that you can think of that weren’t included in this video. Or even if there are some factors that were mentioned that you hadn’t thought of before. We’d love to hear from you, so make sure to leave a comment down below, and be part of the Heart & Oak community!

If this video has been interesting or helpful, go ahead and hit the “thumbs up” button below. For more helpful videos related to therapy and mental wellness, subscribe to our channel and hit the bell notification icon to make sure you stay in the loop.

Take care until next time, and keep doing the things that help you live a better, brighter life!

Past Trauma: 5 Reasons Why You Can't Just Get Over It

Transcript

Why is that some negative experiences are fairly easy to forget about and move on from, while others can trouble us for years or even decades after? Keep watching to learn 5 reasons why you can’t just “get over” past trauma. 

Hi folks, I’m Will Bratt from Heart & Oak Therapy, supporting better, brighter lives.

We’re trauma therapists who do regular videos on mental wellness, and give practical ideas and tips to make your life happier and more fulfilling – so hit the subscribe button to keep in the loop!

We’ve all heard sayings like, “Let the past be the past”, or “That’s just water under the bridge”, or, “Live in the moment, not in the past”. Sayings like these have a positive philosophy about focusing on what’s in front of you and not getting tripped up by things that happened in the past. But anyone who’s had a traumatic experience knows that can be easier said than done. 

Traumatic experiences aren’t like your run of the mill hard times or challenges. They’re profoundly upsetting or distressing on a deeper, more personal level, making them hard not to revisit as time goes on.

In this video I’ll explain why traumatic experiences can be so hard to move on from, and why it’s unrealistic to expect someone to just “get over” past trauma.

Starting off, it’s important to make it crystal clear what sets traumatic experiences apart from other kinds of adversity. We’ve probably all gone through hard times, where the things we were dealing with were upsetting or stressful. What distinguishes trauma from these kinds of experiences is the fact that traumatic experiences are profoundly overwhelming.

Traumatic experiences are intense and extreme, taking us way outside our challenge zones into terrifying danger. Of course, every traumatic experience happens within its own unique context, so the reason why we find them upsetting or distressing rests on the specifics of what happened and what the events mean to you.

The fact that traumatic experiences are different than other kinds of adverse experiences in the way they’re profoundly overwhelming should be reason enough as to why we can’t just “get over” them. But there are other valid reasons why “letting go” can be easier said than done.

1.    One big reason is that trauma often relates to our safety, wellbeing, or mortality. Traumatic experiences tend to involve brushes with death – such as in the case of motor vehicle accidents or natural disasters – or interpersonal violence and abuse – like robberies, assaults, and abuse by partners or caregivers. If there’s one thing human beings are really good at, it’s learning. When stuff happens, we remember things, and we apply those memories to future circumstances to try for better outcomes. This is absolutely true of traumatic experiences. When we go through events that are intensely overwhelming and upsetting, we remember, and we try to keep those things from happening again. If we just “let it go”, we may not be as prepared to handle similar circumstances in the future.

2.    Another reason why we can’t just “get over” traumatic experiences has to do with meaning. We typically think of meaningful experiences as positive ones, but as terrible as they are, traumatic experiences are meaningful in their own right. There’s a saying I use to remember the relationship between our experiences in the world and our responses to them, and that is, “The bigger the meaning, the bigger the feeling”. In other words, the more something matters to you, the stronger your emotional response to it will be. When it comes to traumatic experiences, the fact that we think about them, feel worry or despair in their aftermath, and even have nightmares, speaks volumes to the personal importance of our own safety and wellbeing.

3.    A third reason why it can be hard to leave traumatic experiences in the past is because they’re often unresolved. Although this isn’t always the case, when we find ourselves revisiting traumatic experiences, it can be an indicator that we have unfinished business. On top of that, it can even be that the unfinished or unresolved aspect of the experience is what feels most traumatic in the present day. In other words, the lack of resolution or justice can be the most troubling part of the trauma, and that’s why we keep revisiting it. Of course, every context is unique, but this can speak volumes about our values, our sense of right and wrong, and our longings to be adequately and appropriately cared for.

4.    The fourth reason doesn’t apply to every traumatic experience, but is still a really common aspect of a lot of people’s traumas. It’s called moral injury, and it applies to those who have done things that are profoundly out of line with their morals or values. The sense of moral injury is shared by people like soldiers and those who have killed in war, bystanders to acts of violence or disasters who chose not to act, or people who have had to do horrible things to survive terrible odds. You can think of moral injury as the other side of the unfinished business coin. We struggle to just “let it go” because we know we did something wrong and we long to be able to take it back or set things right.

5.    The fifth and final reason that I’ll be touching on in this video highlights a common myth or inaccurate assumption about trauma and the struggle to “get over” it. Often what looks or sounds like past trauma is really not in the past at all – it’s still very much happening in the present day. I’ve met with a lot of people who, for example, describe the abuse they struggled against growing up, only to acknowledge that the abusive behaviour others subjected them to still goes on in present day interactions. In cases like these, terms like “Post Traumatic Stress” are really ill-fitting because the person has never actually stopped experiencing the trauma – so there is no “post”. Even if the person were to “get over” the trauma from years past, it’s only a matter of time until they’re met with more. I think it’s especially unrealistic to expect people to “let go” of something that’s still happening.

So there’s 5 reasons why it can be inappropriate or unrealistic to expect others or ourselves to just “get over” traumatic experiences. It’s one thing if it’s an everyday problem or a smaller kind of challenge, but when it comes to trauma, there are contextually relevant reasons why you might find yourself revisiting the experience across time.

Now I’d like to turn it to you, the Heart & Oak community: Can you think of other reasons why someone might struggle to “let go” of past trauma? How about things that you know can help ease the healing process? Make sure to let us know in the comment section!

If this video has been interesting or helpful, go ahead and hit the “thumbs up” button below. For more helpful videos related to therapy and mental wellness, subscribe to our channel and hit the bell notification icon to make sure you stay in the loop.

Take care until next time, and keep doing the things that help you live a better, brighter life!

5 Reasons Why Adults are Haunted by Childhood Trauma

Transcript

Adults who experienced trauma in their childhoods often struggle to understand why they’re still troubled by those memories today. In this video I’ll be sharing 5 reasons why it makes sense to be haunted by traumatic memories years, or even decades later. Keep watching to find out.

Hi folks, I’m Will Bratt from Heart & Oak Therapy, supporting better, brighter lives.

We’re trauma therapists who do regular videos on mental wellness, and give practical ideas and tips to make your life happier and more fulfilling – so hit the subscribe button to keep in the loop!

One of the most common questions I receive from adults who are struggling to heal from traumatic childhood experiences is, “Why can’t I just get over it?” 

The scope of this question is huge, and there’s no one-size-fits-all answer. It feels incomplete to just say, “Because that was a traumatic experience, and that’s how human beings respond to those kinds of things”. A textbook, answer like this misses the nuance and humanity in the interest of tidiness and order.

In this video I draw out why adults are haunted by childhood trauma, with a special focus on meaning and context.

First, I think it’s important that we get on the same page in terms of what we mean by “trauma”.

“Trauma” is a word that can be used in many ways. People use it to refer to experiences that are challenging, scary, embarrassing, overwhelming, or shocking.

When it comes to the world of therapy, “trauma” generally refers to experiences that are emotionally overwhelming, profoundly distressing, and deeply upsetting. This can look like experiences of violence and abuse, brushes with death, moral injuries, deep humiliation, or horrific disasters.

No single experience is essentially or necessarily traumatic on its own. We can’t just say, “Being held hostage in a bank robbery is a traumatic experience”, or “If you’re assaulted by a stranger on the street, you will be traumatized”. Two people could survive a mugging or robbery side by side, and while both may agree that it was distressing, it could happen that only one of them walks away feeling traumatized. The meaning each person holds around the event is the key to whether or not they deem it traumatic.

So what is it about traumatic experiences in childhood that makes them especially hard to shake?

Because meaning is so crucial when it comes to whether or not we experience an event as traumatic, childhood is an especially vulnerable time in our lives. If you put yourself in your childhood shoes, you’ll remember that children are largely dependent on (and at the mercy of) grownups and adult systems. Not only that, the relationships we have are mostly very close and familial, holding very different and more significant meaning than a lot of the more superfluous relations we gain as we get older.

Now I’m going to share 5 hallmarks of childhood trauma that have a lot to do with why traumatic childhood experiences can trouble us well into adulthood.

1.    The first is violence and abuse. A shortcoming of the word “trauma” is that it’s ambiguous and general. The reality is that childhood trauma usually consists of experience of interpersonal violence or abuse. These experiences are of a very different, far more personal nature than, say, a natural disaster or car crash – which can also be described as traumatic. As my mentors, Linda Coates and Allan Wade emphasize, violence is, by definition, deliberate. The fact that someone made the choice to do harm a child can, and should, be terribly upsetting.

2.    The second reason is that traumatic childhood experiences are rarely isolated events. One way that the term “traumatic experience” can be misleading is that it can give the false impression that the experience was an isolated instance. While that can be true of some people’s traumatic childhood experiences, more often it’s violence, abuse, or mistreatment that takes place across time. When we reach adulthood, the trauma responses we have to our childhood memories are more often in relation to the conditions that perpetuated the suffering, as opposed to singular moments in time.

3.    This brings us to the third hallmark of childhood trauma: Violations of social contracts. Abuse against children is typically carried out by people who should be in caring roles. Parents, foster parents, other family members, coaches, teachers, or clergy are socially sanctioned to provide safety and nurturance to children. Abuse is often perpetrated by those exploiting the privilege that comes with those positions. Going back to the issue of meaning, this can make abuse by these people all the more upsetting in the long term because it’s done by people who should have been especially trustworthy and safe.

4.    The social responses a child receives when experiencing violence or abuse, or when seeking help are another factor that can have a lot to do with why someone might deem a childhood experience to be traumatic. Because children largely depend on adults for safety and protection, when it’s not provided, or when that safety is compromised further by an adult’s response, it can be profoundly distressing. This can look any number of ways, including when an adult knows a child is in danger and does nothing to make it stop, when an adult punishes a child for coming forward and seeking help, when an adult on the periphery facilitates the violence, or when a child comes forward and is disbelieved or shamed. Understandably, negative social responses like these can be just as upsetting or more than the initial abuse or mistreatment.

5.    Finally, number 5 is the inability to make it stop. I firmly believe that whenever there is violence, there is resistance. Children are no exception to this – in fact they’re often the cleverest resisters and safety makers around. People of any age who experience violence or abuse know that offenders make efforts to supress resistance, which is why it usually flies under the radar, and can be mistaken for things other than what it is - such as “going along” with the abuse. Despite the presence and prevalence of children’s resistance, it is rarely strong enough to absolutely stop violence, abuse, or mistreatment from happening altogether. Being unable to stop bad things from happening can leave us feeling profound despair, which can haunt us well into adulthood.

Phrases like “unresolved childhood trauma” can feel unwieldy and overwhelming. When people throw phrases like these around, they basically just mean “hurts from the past that haven’t been made okay”. In some cases, “making things okay” is a really tall order, but it’s very unlikely that it’s an impossible feat.

A helpful place to start can be around meaning – the very thing that makes a traumatic experience what it is. Exploring and understanding the meaning you hold around childhood trauma can help expose tangible avenues to pursue healing. This is one way therapy can be especially helpful!

While traumatic childhood experiences can haunt us well into adulthood, they can also be taken care of in beautiful ways that honour our dignity and support us in growth and healing. So now I’d like to turn over to you, the Heart & Oak community. Are there other reasons I didn’t mention that might make it hard for adults to shake traumatic childhood experiences? Are there things that you know about that can help toward feeling at peace with childhood trauma. Make sure to let us know in the comment section!

If this video has been interesting or helpful, go ahead and hit the “thumbs up” button below. For more helpful videos related to therapy and mental wellness, subscribe to our channel and hit the bell notification icon to make sure you stay in the loop.

Take care until next time, and keep doing the things that help you live a better, brighter life!

Understanding Trauma and Triggers

Transcript

The word “trigger” gets tossed around like confetti these days, which can make its meaning unclear. In this video, I clarify what the term “trigger” means when it comes to trauma, and also acknowledge some of its shortcomings and useful alternatives. Keep watching to learn what you need to know about trauma and triggers!

Hi folks, I’m Will Bratt from Heart & Oak Therapy, supporting better, brighter lives. We’re therapists who do regular videos on mental wellness, and give practical ideas and tips to make your life happier and more fulfilling – so hit the subscribe button to keep in the loop!

The word “trigger” or “triggered” gets used a lot now-a-days, from basic conversations we have, to blog posts and articles online, to news broadcasts by major media networks. One thing I’ve noticed is that people use the word “trigger” to refer to a pretty wide range of different types of experiences. For this reason, I wanted to set the record straight and clarify what it means when people talk about triggers in the context of trauma.

Make sure you watch until the end because I also illustrate some shortcomings of the concept of triggers and provide some useful alternatives for making sense of responses to traumatic experiences.

The first thing I want to make crystal clear is that when people in the trauma field say “trigger”, they basically mean present-day things that remind us of past traumatic experiences, as well as the strong emotional responses that go along with those memories.

Like all memories, we associate specific contextual factors with traumatic events. These are aspects of our experiences that relate to our five senses – the sounds, smells, sights, feelings, and tastes that were present at the time of the traumatic experience.

Just as these factors can remind us of positive past experiences, they can also remind us of the worst experiences we’ve endured. In trauma literature, these reminders are what tend to be referred to as “triggers”.

Now, if you’re anything like a lot of people, psychological language and theoretical ideas can feel really unwieldy or hard to wrap our heads around. One downside to jargon like “triggers” is that it can set people up to feel dependent on professionals to decode and make sense of their experience, because it’s different from how most people talk about their experiences and responses to things that happen in their lives.

I like to talk about “triggers” using more accessible language that doesn’t require a visit to Wikipedia or Urban Dictionary. One way I do this is by thinking and talking about “triggers” in terms of “sensitivity”

If you’ve ever gone through something traumatic, you probably found that things weren’t the same afterward. One thing that’s often different is that we learn what to be watchful and wary of so that we can do our best to keep something similar from happening again in the future. A really simple way of putting it is that we become sensitive to things that remind us of the traumatic experience as a way of keeping ourselves as safe as possible.

So when someone says “That song is a trigger for me because it reminds me of my abusive ex”, or “I’m triggered by people who withdraw when they’re angry because that’s what my mom did growing up”, they usually mean they’re sensitive to those things - and for good reason! Through negative experiences, we learn what to watch out for so the same thing doesn’t happen again.

It’s absolutely valid, reasonable, and appropriate to be sensitive to places, people, or things that relate to your traumatic experiences, because your sense of safety is important. 

Now, I know that sensitivity can be framed as a negative trait for someone to have. You’ve probably heard people say things like, “She’s too sensitive”, or even, “He takes things too seriously” or “They don’t know how to take a joke”. The perspectives that statements like these come from miss the mark in a big way because they assume people shouldn’t have strong responses to traumatic experiences, and that they shouldn’t be sensitive to things related to their trauma. That’s just unrealistic and ignorant.

Here are a few reasons why post-traumatic sensitivity is totally valid, appropriate, and healthy:

1.    It shows you learn from your experience. When someone has experienced trauma, especially violence and abuse, they learn a hard truth: the world is not entirely safe. This hard lesson can be especially loud if we receive negative responses from our communities and support networks while the trauma is happening, or in the aftermath. This isn’t to say that the world is an inherently dangerous place either – there are people who make efforts to do both good and bad – but trauma awakens us to the reality that safety is something we need to create or work at establishing, and it cannot be taken for granted. Our post-traumatic sensitivities almost always serve that purpose.

2.    It honours our grief. Many of the people I talk to in therapy confirm that their responses to their traumatic experiences are akin to grief. This is supported by popular literature in the trauma field. When we lose someone close to us, it’s understandable to respond to things that remind us of them with sorrow or despair. The same can be said about trauma. When we’re reminded of a traumatic experience, it’s fair to respond with strong emotions that are akin to grief. Even though the trauma may not be a loss in the typical sense, it still gives us something to grieve.

3.    It highlights the purpose of our emotions. Just as the word “sensitive” can carry negative connotations, so too can the word “emotional”. When we experience something as awful as trauma, it’s both unrealistic and unreasonable to expect to have the same level of emotionality after the event as we did before it happened. It’s popular to assume that it’s “right” to feel even-keeled and neutral about things, in spite of the fact that something profoundly negative has happened. Emotionality and sensitivity in the wake of traumatic experiences tell us that we have a pulse and are tuned in the reality of our experiences.

You might notice that all 3 of these reasons basically boil down to meaning. I like to say, “The bigger the meaning, the bigger the feeling”, and for as awful as traumatic experiences are, they’re also profoundly meaningful. This partially explains why we feel so sensitive to things that remind us of our trauma.

Shortcomings of “Trigger” Language

As I said at the beginning of this video, I also wanted to share my perspective on what I believe to be shortcomings of the language of “triggers”.

1.    First, it’s ambiguous. If someone says they felt “triggered”, it tells us little about the specific details of their experience in those moments, leaving us with a vague account that can be interpreted a number of potentially inaccurate ways.

2.    Secondly, as a metaphor that reduces people to the status of machines. “Sadness”, “anger”, and “afraid” are all descriptive words that tell us about specific emotional experiences. The word “trigger”, on the other hand, is a mechanistic metaphor that doesn’t account for the dynamic responsiveness of living beings. The word “triggered” positions us only as being acted upon or effected by traumatic experiences. It totally ignores the ways we actively respond to and resist adversity in our lives. In therapy, this results in incomplete stories, which limits therapeutic potential.

3.    Third, the term “trigger” has an inherent negative bias. It implies that when things that remind us of past trauma are present, they act upon us in negative ways, without regard or consideration for the breadth and nuances of our responses.  But if negative factors “trigger” us to have negative feelings, shouldn’t the same be true of positive factors as well? The reality is, it would sound odd and out of place if you described yourself as “triggered” when you had positive emotional responses to a kitten curling up on your lap, or your partner making you a wonderful meal, or your employer giving you a bonus in recognition of the good work you’ve done. My point is, the “trigger” discourse is a one-way street that assumes that we’re passively acted upon by negative experiences, but not positive ones. Logically speaking, it can’t be one way and not the other.

Useful Alternatives to “Triggers”

Because of the ambiguous, deterministic nature of the concept of “triggers”, having other language to account for our responses to traumatic content can be really useful.

Here are 2 really simple ways of describing your responses in ways other than “triggered”:

First, use emotional language. Instead of the more ambiguous catch-all statement, “I felt really triggered”, simple emotional statements like “I felt really angry/afraid/hurt/upset” can say a whole lot more, in more direct and descriptive terms.

And secondly, acknowledge your sensitivity. “Trigger” language positions you as being passively acted upon by your experience. On the other hand, when you acknowledge feeling sensitive about something, you acknowledge your agency in relationship to it. You’re responding to the thing, not having it act upon you. Even though sensitivity goes hand-in-hand with vulnerability, you’re in a far more active and empowered position.

When it comes to dealing with trauma, the most important thing is healing. While “trigger” language offers a way to understand the relationship between aspects of our traumatic experiences and our present-day responses, it falls short in its ambiguity and cause-effect assumptions.

With all that said, it’s really important to know that your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours in the wake of traumatic experiences make sense and are valid, regardless of the words you use to describe them.

Understanding how and why we experience newfound sensitivities after going through traumatic events can help us navigate those situations and create a greater sense of safety for ourselves as we adjust to the world with new eyes.

So, turning it over to you, the Heart & Oak community, what do you think are some useful advantages or downsides to the “trigger” analogy that didn’t get mentioned? Are there other ways of making sense of post-traumatic sensitivities that you find helpful? Make sure to let us know in the comment section!

If this video has been interesting or helpful, go ahead and hit the “thumbs up” button below. For more helpful videos related to therapy and mental wellness, subscribe to our channel and hit the bell notification icon to make sure you stay in the loop.

Take care until next time, and keep doing the things that help you live a better, brighter life!

How Defensiveness Hurts Your Relationship

Transcript

We’ve all been there. That moment when someone says something that immediately gets your back up. You’re left with the instinctive feeling of being under attack, and the impulse is to defend. And in this defence of yourself, you might notice yourself getting heated and saying something to criticize or attack back. And suddenly you find yourself in heated conflict, unsure of how you got here and what to do next.

If you’ve noticed defensiveness coming up for you in your relationships, stay tuned to learn how to make sense of defensiveness, and what can potentially be done about it in your relationships.

Hi everyone, I’m Laura Brown from Heart & Oak Therapy, supporting better, brighter lives. We’re relationship counsellors in Victoria BC who do regular videos on mental wellness, and give you practical ideas and tips to make your life happier and more fulfilling – so hit the subscribe button to keep in the loop!

First and foremost, you might be wondering, what is defensiveness? Well, it’s simply the attempt to defend yourself against a perceived attack or threat. Defensiveness is often talked about as a problematic way to deal with conflict in relationships because of what that attempt to defend sounds and looks like. Most often when we refer to defensiveness, we are speaking to the tendency to attack or criticize back or shut down the conversation altogether. Responding with defensiveness can be a problem when it gets in the way of hearing the true intention behind the message and amplifying the misunderstanding or conflict by hurting the other person back. Who may then respond with defensiveness to your message, snowballing things until you find yourself in a nasty mess and unsure of how to resolve it.

Defensiveness can be unique to each person, and can be influenced by a whole host of factors. How we interpret that message can be influenced by the how the other person packages that message – the tone, the choice of words, body language, and the environment they choose to deliver that message in. For example, you may attribute greater meaning that the words conveyed when someone uses an aggressive tone of voice, is standing over you, and is doing so in front of a crowd of people. Someone could say the exact same words using a softer tone, with open body language, and in private, that leaves you with an entirely different interpretation of the message.

This goes to show that we use a whole host of intel to interpret messages, which is why it is so important to consider the full context of when and how defensiveness comes up for you.

Beyond how the other person delivers this message, the way in which you interpret it can also be influenced by what is happening for you presently. Things like your present mood, your energy levels, the amount of sleep you have, and what you’re focused on can all contribute to how you interpret what someone is saying to you. 

For example, I am 100% guilty of getting extremely hangry at times. You’ve heard this concept before – the brutal reality that some people experience when their blood sugar drops and their left in a terrible state of anger and hunger. When I forget to eat and find myself feeling this way, it is incredibly hard for me NOT to get defensive. Even though his intention behind a message may be one of sincere care and concern, and is delivered in a way that clearly suggests this intention, I can hear it as an attack. And given the state I’m in, it’s likely for me to be pretty nasty in response to this. Honestly, some of our worst fights have been in large part because of my unbridled hanger.

In addition to how your feeling in the present moment, how and what someone says to you can also be perceived as an attack depending on the meaning you make what is said. Perhaps it reminds you of something you have felt criticized for in the past, by the person giving the message or someone else entirely. Or it could touch on something that you feel sensitive about, and that you could potentially address in a constructive way to heal or work through that sensitivity.

I’m going to use a really silly example from my own relationship to highlight a sensitivity that I noticed coming up when Will has made comments about me burping. Now, I want to make one thing clear, Will DESPISES burping, he thinks it’s disgusting – even more disgusting than farting. And I have a love for fizzy drinks, which can lead to unintentional burping on my part. This is now even more problematic because I’m pregnant and have a harder time controlling it. 

In addition to this, I’ve also become more sensitive as to whether or not Will finds me as attractive because my body is changing so much. In no way has Will done anything to contribute to this sensitivity, and I truly didn’t even realize this was an issue for me until Will commented one night on my burping. Usually when he would call out how gross he finds it, I would tease him back or flippantly say sorry, and then let it go. We have a pretty open relationship where we don’t tend to take offense when we call out the gross things the other one does. 

But the other night I perceived it as criticism and became super defensive in response, arguing that he was incredibly mean and rude for saying anything given my pregnant condition. He was left a bit flabbergasted and responded with a bit of defensiveness back. And before we knew it, we had a big ol misunderstanding on our hands. It took me taking a step back and questioning why I was so offended by what he had said that I came to realize my sensitivity. In expressing the real reason for why I was offended by him, Will expressed that his comment in no way reflected his level of attraction or love for me. 

So, what can be done about defensiveness? One of the best ways to shift your relationship with defensiveness is to become aware of when and how it happens for you. First, make sense of it for yourself, and in that noticing you can hold that feeling while also assessing its validity.

Whenever defensiveness comes up for you, you have an opportunity to determine whether or not the person delivering the message truly intended to criticize or attack you. You can ask yourself, why did I interpret this as an attack or why do I feel offended? What did the other person say or do that had me responding with this feeling? In finding the answers to these questions you can then inform the person of your interpretation. This can be done without a critique of the person, but rather a clear, direct acknowledgment of why and how you came to feel the way that you did.

Pulling from the burp example, instead of criticizing Will for what he said, I could have responded by saying “When you said my burping was disgusting, I was hurt because it made me think you don’t find me attractive”

Of course, this is an ideal response, and one that may not arise in the very moment that the conversation is happening. However, even having this type of conversation well after the fact is useful because it offers you an opportunity to reflect, be curious, and be vulnerable in a way that can lead to greater understanding and trust between you two. It also requires a sense of emotional safety from your partner to provide you with the space to be truly vulnerable in this way.

When you take steps to become aware of defensiveness, it opens you up to hearing the message in the way it was intended to be heard. By alerting you to the reasons why you do not initially interpret the message in this way, it offers you and your partner an opportunity to look at how you communicate, and what could be done differently to avoid misunderstandings in the future. It also gives you space to really consider how the two of you want to treat one another when things are going well, as well as when conflict and misunderstandings develop.

And now, turning it over to you, the Heart and Oak community. What has your experience been with defensiveness? What have you done to respond differently, even when you feel under attack of criticized? Share in the comment section below!

If this video has been interesting or helpful, go ahead and hit the “thumbs up” button below. For more helpful videos related to therapy and mental wellness, subscribe to our channel and hit the bell notification icon to make sure you stay in the loop.

Take care until next time, and keep doing the things that help you live a better, brighter life!

Things NOT to Say in a Fight With Your Partner

Transcript

One thing that almost all couples can relate to is conflict, and feeling regret after saying something hurtful in the heat of the moment. If you and your partner are tired of conflict that just seems to drive you apart, then this video is for you. Keep watching to learn some key things to avoid when conflict arises, so that you can feel closer and more connected!

Hi everyone, I’m Laura Brown from Heart & Oak Therapy, supporting better, brighter lives. We’re Victoria BC therapists who do regular videos on mental wellness, and give you practical ideas and tips to make your life happier and more fulfilling – so hit the subscribe button to keep in the loop!

In my practice, I love working with couples to help them discover new and better ways of relating to one another during conflicts. It truly is the most common reason that most couples seek my help. Let’s be honest, most people aren’t interested in learning how to communicate when they are getting along perfectly well. The problem instead, is struggling to find ways to work through disagreements in constructive ways.

It is all too common for couples to feel incredibly frustrated, hurt, and exhausted by the ways in which one or both partners treat the other when they’re fighting. For a lot of couples, the frustration of attempting to find resolution can feel impossible. So a lot of conflicts are left unresolved, with feelings of resentment and hurt piling up and disrupting their connection. 

One awesome thing about couples counselling is that it can help partners quickly learn that it’s not about trying to avoid conflict – a nearly impossible feat - Instead, it’s all about finding different, more helpful ways of working through disagreements. So let’s talk about what NOT to say or do when you feel challenged by your partner.

One of the most important ways to communicate in the heat of a conflict is to avoid criticizing, attacking, and name calling. Examples of these things include:

 “What’s wrong with you? Are you an idiot?! How do you not know how to do this?!” Statements like these can be on the cusp of, or outright, bonefide verbal and emotional abuse, because, to a greater or lesser degree, they are degrading, humiliating, and opporessive. If statements like these are done consistently over time, they can serve the purpose of asserting power and dominance over the other partner, as opposed to a rare expression if frustration.

Avoiding this way of communicating is so important because you cannot take words back. Once they are said, and the hurt is felt by the partner on the other end, there is a whole new issue to deal with – reconciling after a nasty attack. This kind of behaviour sets the stage for more hurt, and escalates the conflict and tension between you. It’s also problematic because it distracts you both from the original issue, which makes it harder to get to a place of resolution.

If one or both of you notice that you criticize, attack, or insult your partner during conflicts, then there are some ways to change this.

First and foremost, one of the most helpful things you can do is begin paying close attention to what you do when conflict arises. If you feel angry, afraid, or otherwise upset, slow down and assess what it is you are feeling and thinking about the situation at hand, and how you are expressing this with your partner. 

Play detective and really get to know the full context of what is happening before, during, and after you criticize, attack, or insult. It can be an uncomfortable process, acknowledging and owning actions you may not be proud of, but as hard as it may be, the benefit makes this process worth it. Also, the fact that you are experiencing discomfort shows that you know this type of behaviour is wrong, and it’s worth listening to your own moral compass.

After you have a thorough understanding of what goes on for you and your partner during conflicts, and how you come to communicate with criticism, attacks, or name calling, you can begin to explore better alternatives. Consider how you want to communicate in a more desirable way that you can be proud of.

One way to do this is to explore factors that help you to communicate with kindness and compassion, even when you feel angry or hurt.

Some questions that can help you get to this place of understanding include:

• What kind of mood do you need to be in to say your piece in a kind, clear, and direct way?

• Where do you need to be?

• What do you need to do?

• What can your partner do to support you in communicating in this way?

• How can you hold yourself accountable to communicate in this way?

One thing I want to stress here is that you are absolutely responsible for your own behaviour, so if you have a hard time addressing your partner in kind ways when you feel challenged, it’s not your partner’s job to just avoid doing the things you feel challenged by – provided they are reasonable and not abusive. With the exception of abusive behaviour, you’re not being accountable if you say, “In order for me to treat you with kindness and patience, I need you to stop leaving your dirty clothes on the floor”

So, notice and assess how and when you feel challenged by your partner, consider how you can express that in clear, direct, and kind ways, and be open to working WITH your partner on making things better for both of you.

By learning to communicate with more kindness in the midst of conflict, you will build a greater level of trust, a more egalitarian dynamic, and the emotional safety to be vulnerable and to truly connect on a deeper level with your partner.

When you are able to cultivate a relationship with this type of communication, the two of you will have greater freedom to make mistakes, learn, and grow together.

I want to make one thing clear: it is absolutely possible to change the way you communicate, by putting in some attention, time, accountability, and effort.

I have been lucky enough to watch couples work together, to hear and understand one another’s positions, and find resolution in kind, respectful ways that ease frustrations and hurt feelings. Old conflicts that have yet to be resolved can be revisited and worked through to heal old hurts.

And now I’m turning it over to you, the Heart and Oak Community. What has your experience been with criticizing, attacking, or name calling during conflicts? What have you done to challenge yourself or your partner to find new, preferred ways of working through conflicts?

If this video has been interesting or helpful, go ahead and hit the “thumbs up” button below. For more helpful videos related to therapy and mental wellness, subscribe to our channel and hit the bell notification icon to make sure you stay in the loop.

Take care until next time, and keep doing the things that help you live a better, brighter life!