Overcome Imposter Syndrome With These 4 Tools
What Imposter Syndrome Feels Like
Hey folks, it’s me, Laura Brown - that therapist lady who definitely knows what she’s talking about. Oh, and I’m apparently a YouTuber… and I totally have that down too. Like I pretty much came out of the womb doing these things so there’s no need to question whether or not I’m full of shit.
So anyways…what are we talking about today? Oh right, imposter syndrome. Cool. That’s something I know everything about, purely on an intellectual level, and not at all in my personal life.
If you’re reading this, you, unlike me, are probably having a hard time with this “imposter syndrome” thing. I can’t say I relate, but of course I can help you with that. I’m a therapist after all! I’m supposed to know this shit! And I do. Why wouldn’t I?
Is it hot in here? I’m sweating like that time the rapping actor Eminem sang his award winning song about his mom’s spaghetti. Ok, folks, I need to come clean about something. I know it looks like I have it all together and I’m confident to a fault, and I know everything and can do it all, but if I’m totally honest, sometimes I struggle with imposter syndrome too. I was just trying to impress you when I said that stuff about how super smart I am because I was scared you’d think less of me if you knew I had my limits. So if you want to have an honest conversation about imposter syndrome, I’m here for it. And make sure you read until the end because I’m going to share the tools that I give my own clients and use myself to boost confidence when imposter syndrome creeps in.
What is Imposter Syndrome?
I know it might feel like a super overwhelming thing to wrap your head around, but imposter syndrome is really not that complicated. It’s basically just insecurity that comes up around the roles we play in life. You can feel insecure about damn near anything, like your shoe size, that gap between your two front teeth, or the fact that the backseat of your car always looks like someone threw an entire box of granola bar wrappers everywhere and then got violently ill. Ah, the life of a parent.
But imposter syndrome is less general and more about the fear of being seen as a phony in some particular area of your life. Like for me, I remember when I was fresh out of grad school and was about to have my very first therapy session with a real paying client, it took every ounce of effort I had to look confident and professional on the outside, because on the inside I was like, “Oh crap, this person is about to pay me way too much money for an hour of my time and I don’t know what the hell I’m doing!”
Why People Struggle with Imposter Syndrome
A lot of people struggle with these feelings when they’re fresh in a new job or career. Even though you put in the work, do the training and get the education, you still worry that you don’t actually have the skills, knowledge, and abilities to do the damn job, or you feel scared that regardless of all that, people will still see you as not good enough in your role. Even though it’s most common for these feelings to come up in professional settings, they can also happen in other important areas of life, like parenting, school, sports, or in your social life. Any time you catch yourself thinking, “I’m not a real law student; hockey mom; real estate agent; or cool person”, that’s imposter syndrome in action. Where does it come up for you? Right about now would be the perfect time to let us know in the comments!
The feelings that accompany these thoughts are usually anxiety, worry, despair, and discouragement. It’s understandably stressful, and makes many people feel like they just want to give up and go back to where they supposedly belong. Sure you may have your PhD in nuclear physics, but don’t you think that being a dog walker is a much safer career option? Then again, those dogs can smell a fake, so I dunno what to tell you!
It’s easy to take for granted that this is just a thing that happens, but if you want to overcome imposter syndrome, you kind of need to understand why. Just like literally any form of insecurity, at the heart of imposter syndrome lies the fear of rejection and exclusion. It is human as fuck to long to belong. Everybody wants to be seen as valuable and worthy in the eyes of others, and imposter syndrome plays off of that in a big way. To be seen as a phony means you don’t belong, and that’s one of the most uncomfortable and scary things for human beings to imagine.
If you’ve watched our last few videos, you probably notice a theme here. The desire for belonging and the fear of rejection and exclusion runs deep through tons of issues people struggle with. If our alien overlords are watching this video, first of all, please “like”, subscribe, and leave a comment! And second of all, I swear we’re not just a bunch of needy little bitches! Please don’t zap us with your death ray, or whatever world ending technology you have! I explain the innate human need to belong in detail in our post on breaking free from guilt, so make sure to check that out after this one, but in a nutshell, human beings have an evolutionary drive to belong in social groups. Once upon a time we relied on each other in a major, life or death way. Like if we got the boot, we were toast. That reliance and interdependence has not been lost, and we still care deeply about belonging, and so we fear rejection and exclusion. This is why we’re so concerned about whether we’ll be judged for the million and one stupid little things that we worry will make others think we suck. Because the last thing you want is to be seen as a waste of space for wearing last season’s Balenciaga sweatshirt to the gym, or not clearing 7 figures this year in your job as a TikTok nail and eyebrow influencer.
So that’s what’s up with imposter syndrome. You don’t want to be perceived as a phony or not good enough, because that would mean expulsion from the group, which touches on the importance of being seen as having value so that you don’t wind up as saber toothed tiger food. That’s cool, but what the hell do we do about that? Right about now I would tell you to sit down and take notes, but instead I’m gonna be the cool teacher who just gives them to you, all wrapped up with a pretty little bow. Download our free Imposter Syndrome Cheat sheet PDF. You can save it on your phone, and bring it up when you’re in the bathroom stall at work…or wherever it is you do your crying.
Flip The Script on Imposter Syndrome
The first tool to deal with imposter syndrome is to flip the script on your fears. Most people who experience imposter syndrome have a lot of “what if…” thoughts. This is a feature that imposter syndrome shares with anxiety. Whether we’re talking about anxiety in general or imposter syndrome specifically, those “what if…” thoughts are there to help you prepare to handle challenges that could be coming down the pipe. Are they annoying? Absolutely! Are they constructive? Rarely! But at the very least they are well-meaning. They’re like your overly cautious mother who wants to make sure you don’t catch your death of cold by bundling you up with 14 wool sweaters and a down sleeping bag with arm and leg holes cut into it. It’s too much, but it’s coming from a loving place.
Those “what if…” questions are obviously focused on what could go wrong, and when we’re talking about imposter syndrome, that probably sounds something like “What if I make a mistake and everyone realizes that I don’t know what the hell I’m doing and they toss me out of the building in my underwear?” That’s a scary, unpleasant thought, but is it the only possibility? Of course not! Your mind is wired to think of the possible negatives so you can get out in front of them, but those thoughts mostly just cause you to stress out. If left on autopilot, you can really only expect more of the same.
Overcome Imposter Syndrome with Grounding Exercises
Once you hear or notice that annoying “what if…” chatter, do something grounding to bring you back to the present moment. Pay attention to your surroundings or breathe until you can get a break from that anxiety spiral. Once you can think more clearly, acknowledge for yourself what the heck you're experiencing! Like “these what if thoughts are anxiety talking, trying to keep me from getting rejected” I understandably feel afraid because I'm in a vulnerable position, but I'm not actually a psychic and these thoughts ain't foretelling the future.
You can also flip the script on these fears, by intentionally adding positive possibilities to the conversations that take place in your mind. “What if you kill it?” “What if you’re able to put the skills and knowledge you have to good use and succeed?” “What if you do make a mistake and everyone is really patient and nice about it?” These too are possibilities, and if you reflect on them, you’re far more likely to feel like you can hold your head up high and challenge yourself to persevere through this vulnerable period.
How to Challenge Imposter Syndrome
The third tool to deal with imposter syndrome like a boss is to be real. Don’t pose. Don’t pretend to be anything that you’re not. Imposter syndrome can influence us to overcorrect for our perceived shortcomings, which can ironically make us behave more like imposters. It makes sense: if you’re scared of being seen as not good enough, you may really want to impress people with some embellished facts about yourself. This, of course, only adds fuel to the fire, as it gives you more to stress out over getting busted for. I know you might think it makes you sound cool and interesting to tell your new friends that you speak 6 languages, including Swahili, but what happens when they get excited to meet a fellow Swahili speaker and want to have a conversation? There’s only so many excuses you can make up to get out of that one. Instead, embrace the fact that you aren’t perfect and you don’t know it all. As uncomfortable as it may feel at first, give yourself permission to admit ignorance and ask questions if you don’t know something. It can feel freeing to just be yourself and not apologize for the gaps in your knowledge or abilities. This also opens you up to learn more. You need to be able to own your ignorance if you want to be open to lessons that fill in the gaps. Would you rather be a smarty pants who knows and is comfortable with your own limitations, or a dumb dumb who’s committed to seeming like you know it all? Let us know in the comments!
Reject The Pressure to Impress
The last tip that can make a world of difference is to reject the idea that you need to impress everybody on planet Earth. Does judgment and rejection totally suck? Absolutely. It’s legit not to want that for yourself. Again, it's human instinct to be on alert for how much we belong. But the reality is that you simply can’t win ‘em all AND you're not actually going to die from being judged critically (even if it feels like it at the time). This is where you can validate the fear with self-talk like “of course I'm afraid of being judged, that's my human beingness talkin” and follow it up with a question of what will actually happen if I'm judged?? Am I going to be kicked out of society and have to learn how to survive in the woods?? Or am I going to feel butt hurt for a day or two and then figure out a way to move on??
Also, call me a naïve optimist, but I’m of the opinion that most people are kind and compassionate when it comes to how they look at others. This means that the overwhelming majority of people who witness your shortcomings are likely to have empathy and patience for you, rather than seeing you as a waste of space who should just give up. But some people are kinda mean and judgy, and you may never be able to win with them. If you ever find yourself in that unfortunate situation, remind yourself that it’s ok for you to want to be seen positively by others, but that you can’t ultimately control whether or not they see you that way. You can only be you, and if that’s not good enough for other people, maybe that relationship isn’t going to work. Allow yourself to feel whatever feelings you might have around that, while also reminding yourself that they’re not the high authority on who is and is not a valid human being (or physiotherapist, or teacher, or reggae bass player). Strike a balance between the fact that you long for acceptance while also striving to accept hard truths that you ultimately can’t control. It can be especially helpful to remind yourself of this fact in moments of high anxiety, when you’re really worrying about how you’re perceived.
I may not have had the pleasure of making your acquaintance yet, but whoever you are, and whatever you do, I believe you’re the real deal. You may be new. You may not be setting any world records, but I believe that you’re good enough, and I hope you take the time to remind yourself of that too.
