Overcome Imposter Syndrome With These 4 Tools

What Imposter Syndrome Feels Like

Hey folks, it’s me, Laura Brown - that therapist lady who definitely knows what she’s talking about. Oh, and I’m apparently a YouTuber… and I totally have that down too. Like I pretty much came out of the womb doing these things so there’s no need to question whether or not I’m full of shit.

So anyways…what are we talking about today? Oh right, imposter syndrome. Cool. That’s something I know everything about, purely on an intellectual level, and not at all in my personal life.

If you’re reading this, you, unlike me, are probably having a hard time with this “imposter syndrome” thing. I can’t say I relate, but of course I can help you with that. I’m a therapist after all! I’m supposed to know this shit! And I do. Why wouldn’t I?

Is it hot in here? I’m sweating like that time the rapping actor Eminem sang his award winning song about his mom’s spaghetti. Ok, folks, I need to come clean about something. I know it looks like I have it all together and I’m confident to a fault, and I know everything and can do it all, but if I’m totally honest, sometimes I struggle with imposter syndrome too. I was just trying to impress you when I said that stuff about how super smart I am because I was scared you’d think less of me if you knew I had my limits. So if you want to have an honest conversation about imposter syndrome, I’m here for it. And make sure you read until the end because I’m going to share the tools that I give my own clients and use myself to boost confidence when imposter syndrome creeps in.

What is Imposter Syndrome?

I know it might feel like a super overwhelming thing to wrap your head around, but imposter syndrome is really not that complicated. It’s basically just insecurity that comes up around the roles we play in life. You can feel insecure about damn near anything, like your shoe size, that gap between your two front teeth, or the fact that the backseat of your car always looks like someone threw an entire box of granola bar wrappers everywhere and then got violently ill. Ah, the life of a parent.

But imposter syndrome is less general and more about the fear of being seen as a phony in some particular area of your life. Like for me, I remember when I was fresh out of grad school and was about to have my very first therapy session with a real paying client, it took every ounce of effort I had to look confident and professional on the outside, because on the inside I was like, “Oh crap, this person is about to pay me way too much money for an hour of my time and I don’t know what the hell I’m doing!”

Why People Struggle with Imposter Syndrome

A lot of people struggle with these feelings when they’re fresh in a new job or career. Even though you put in the work, do the training and get the education, you still worry that you don’t actually have the skills, knowledge, and abilities to do the damn job, or you feel scared that regardless of all that, people will still see you as not good enough in your role. Even though it’s most common for these feelings to come up in professional settings, they can also happen in other important areas of life, like parenting, school, sports, or in your social life. Any time you catch yourself thinking, “I’m not a real law student; hockey mom; real estate agent; or cool person”, that’s imposter syndrome in action. Where does it come up for you? Right about now would be the perfect time to let us know in the comments!

The feelings that accompany these thoughts are usually anxiety, worry, despair, and discouragement. It’s understandably stressful, and makes many people feel like they just want to give up and go back to where they supposedly belong. Sure you may have your PhD in nuclear physics, but don’t you think that being a dog walker is a much safer career option? Then again, those dogs can smell a fake, so I dunno what to tell you!

It’s easy to take for granted that this is just a thing that happens, but if you want to overcome imposter syndrome, you kind of need to understand why. Just like literally any form of insecurity, at the heart of imposter syndrome lies the fear of rejection and exclusion. It is human as fuck to long to belong. Everybody wants to be seen as valuable and worthy in the eyes of others, and imposter syndrome plays off of that in a big way. To be seen as a phony means you don’t belong, and that’s one of the most uncomfortable and scary things for human beings to imagine.

If you’ve watched our last few videos, you probably notice a theme here. The desire for belonging and the fear of rejection and exclusion runs deep through tons of issues people struggle with. If our alien overlords are watching this video, first of all, please “like”, subscribe, and leave a comment! And second of all, I swear we’re not just a bunch of needy little bitches! Please don’t zap us with your death ray, or whatever world ending technology you have! I explain the innate human need to belong in detail in our post on breaking free from guilt, so make sure to check that out after this one, but in a nutshell, human beings have an evolutionary drive to belong in social groups. Once upon a time we relied on each other in a major, life or death way. Like if we got the boot, we were toast. That reliance and interdependence has not been lost, and we still care deeply about belonging, and so we fear rejection and exclusion. This is why we’re so concerned about whether we’ll be judged for the million and one stupid little things that we worry will make others think we suck. Because the last thing you want is to be seen as a waste of space for wearing last season’s Balenciaga sweatshirt to the gym, or not clearing 7 figures this year in your job as a TikTok nail and eyebrow influencer.

So that’s what’s up with imposter syndrome. You don’t want to be perceived as a phony or not good enough, because that would mean expulsion from the group, which touches on the importance of being seen as having value so that you don’t wind up as saber toothed tiger food. That’s cool, but what the hell do we do about that? Right about now I would tell you to sit down and take notes, but instead I’m gonna be the cool teacher who just gives them to you, all wrapped up with a pretty little bow. Download our free Imposter Syndrome Cheat sheet PDF. You can save it on your phone, and bring it up when you’re in the bathroom stall at work…or wherever it is you do your crying.

Flip The Script on Imposter Syndrome

The first tool to deal with imposter syndrome is to flip the script on your fears. Most people who experience imposter syndrome have a lot of “what if…” thoughts. This is a feature that imposter syndrome shares with anxiety. Whether we’re talking about anxiety in general or imposter syndrome specifically, those “what if…” thoughts are there to help you prepare to handle challenges that could be coming down the pipe. Are they annoying? Absolutely! Are they constructive? Rarely! But at the very least they are well-meaning. They’re like your overly cautious mother who wants to make sure you don’t catch your death of cold by bundling you up with 14 wool sweaters and a down sleeping bag with arm and leg holes cut into it. It’s too much, but it’s coming from a loving place.

Those “what if…” questions are obviously focused on what could go wrong, and when we’re talking about imposter syndrome, that probably sounds something like “What if I make a mistake and everyone realizes that I don’t know what the hell I’m doing and they toss me out of the building in my underwear?” That’s a scary, unpleasant thought, but is it the only possibility? Of course not! Your mind is wired to think of the possible negatives so you can get out in front of them, but those thoughts mostly just cause you to stress out. If left on autopilot, you can really only expect more of the same.

Overcome Imposter Syndrome with Grounding Exercises

Once you hear or notice that annoying “what if…” chatter, do something grounding to bring you back to the present moment. Pay attention to your surroundings or breathe until you can get a break from that anxiety spiral. Once you can think more clearly, acknowledge for yourself what the heck you're experiencing! Like “these what if thoughts are anxiety talking, trying to keep me from getting rejected” I understandably feel afraid because I'm in a vulnerable position, but I'm not actually a psychic and these thoughts ain't foretelling the future.

You can also flip the script on these fears, by intentionally adding positive possibilities to the conversations that take place in your mind. “What if you kill it?” “What if you’re able to put the skills and knowledge you have to good use and succeed?” “What if you do make a mistake and everyone is really patient and nice about it?” These too are possibilities, and if you reflect on them, you’re far more likely to feel like you can hold your head up high and challenge yourself to persevere through this vulnerable period.

How to Challenge Imposter Syndrome

The third tool to deal with imposter syndrome like a boss is to be real. Don’t pose. Don’t pretend to be anything that you’re not. Imposter syndrome can influence us to overcorrect for our perceived shortcomings, which can ironically make us behave more like imposters. It makes sense: if you’re scared of being seen as not good enough, you may really want to impress people with some embellished facts about yourself. This, of course, only adds fuel to the fire, as it gives you more to stress out over getting busted for. I know you might think it makes you sound cool and interesting to tell your new friends that you speak 6 languages, including Swahili, but what happens when they get excited to meet a fellow Swahili speaker and want to have a conversation? There’s only so many excuses you can make up to get out of that one. Instead, embrace the fact that you aren’t perfect and you don’t know it all. As uncomfortable as it may feel at first, give yourself permission to admit ignorance and ask questions if you don’t know something. It can feel freeing to just be yourself and not apologize for the gaps in your knowledge or abilities. This also opens you up to learn more. You need to be able to own your ignorance if you want to be open to lessons that fill in the gaps. Would you rather be a smarty pants who knows and is comfortable with your own limitations, or a dumb dumb who’s committed to seeming like you know it all? Let us know in the comments!

Reject The Pressure to Impress

The last tip that can make a world of difference is to reject the idea that you need to impress everybody on planet Earth. Does judgment and rejection totally suck? Absolutely. It’s legit not to want that for yourself. Again, it's human instinct to be on alert for how much we belong. But the reality is that you simply can’t win ‘em all AND you're not actually going to die from being judged critically (even if it feels like it at the time). This is where you can validate the fear with self-talk like “of course I'm afraid of being judged, that's my human beingness talkin” and follow it up with a question of what will actually happen if I'm judged?? Am I going to be kicked out of society and have to learn how to survive in the woods?? Or am I going to feel butt hurt for a day or two and then figure out a way to move on??

Also, call me a naïve optimist, but I’m of the opinion that most people are kind and compassionate when it comes to how they look at others. This means that the overwhelming majority of people who witness your shortcomings are likely to have empathy and patience for you, rather than seeing you as a waste of space who should just give up. But some people are kinda mean and judgy, and you may never be able to win with them. If you ever find yourself in that unfortunate situation, remind yourself that it’s ok for you to want to be seen positively by others, but that you can’t ultimately control whether or not they see you that way. You can only be you, and if that’s not good enough for other people, maybe that relationship isn’t going to work. Allow yourself to feel whatever feelings you might have around that, while also reminding yourself that they’re not the high authority on who is and is not a valid human being (or physiotherapist, or teacher, or reggae bass player). Strike a balance between the fact that you long for acceptance while also striving to accept hard truths that you ultimately can’t control. It can be especially helpful to remind yourself of this fact in moments of high anxiety, when you’re really worrying about how you’re perceived.

I may not have had the pleasure of making your acquaintance yet, but whoever you are, and whatever you do, I believe you’re the real deal. You may be new. You may not be setting any world records, but I believe that you’re good enough, and I hope you take the time to remind yourself of that too.

Therapist Debunks Self-Esteem Myths

“Self Love” is Not The Answer to Low Self-Esteem

Brace yourself! There’s an incoming hot take in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1:

Self-love is stupid.

Woah, did I just say that?! What the heck!? Am I even a therapist?

Ok, so maybe self-love itself isn’t stupid per sé. I mean, it’s good to love yourself, and to do things that are loving for yourself. But don’t you ever get tired and frustrated with all these messages you get all over social media that you just need to love yourself, and meanwhile there’s this nasty little voice inside your head that doesn’t want you to forget how much you suck?

Everyone’s always like, “You just need to love yourself”, and it’s like, “Bro, if only it were that easy”.

But here’s another hot take for you, and I hope you’re sitting down for this one: Just because it can feel like your worst enemy lives inside your head, and is always looking for opportunities to tear your down, doesn’t actually mean that you don’t love yourself. I know it might sound totally crazy, but all those nasty, negative thoughts that you have about yourself, and all the self-destructive behaviours you engage in to deal with them aren’t necessarily signs of self-hatred. In fact, you almost definitely do care for yourself, you've just been taught not to see it that way.

Why it Feels Hard to Love Yourself

I wrote this post to answer a question one of my clients had, which I know a lot of you are grappling with - “Why don't I love myself?” This is a complex issue, so I’m going to break down why this misunderstanding of our feelings about ourselves is so common, and explain why thoughts and behaviours that look like self-hatred on the surface aren't necessarily evidence of a lack of love or care for yourself. So buckle in and let’s get into it!

Psychology Has Been Wrong About Self-Love

First we need to lay some groundwork, and that means we’re going to travel back in time to the psychology land of yesterday. How far back do we need to go? Honestly, it doesn’t even frickin’ matter. You wanna start with Freud? Sure, let’s start there. What did Freud say? “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar?” Sure it is, buddy. But what did Freud say about psychological disorder and so-called self-destructive behaviour? He said that they stemmed from a sub-conscious desire to die, which motivates self-destructive behaviours. Well that doesn’t sound very self-loving!

Let’s jump ahead a little. How about Aaron Beck, the father of Cognitive Therapy? He said that self-destructive behaviors stem from deeply ingrained negative core beliefs, cognitive distortions, and negative automatic thoughts. So that fits pretty snug with the idea that self-destructive actions are an expression of genuine hate for yourself. This isn’t looking good, and I’m deeply concerned.

Ok, let’s modernize things a little. How about Mary Ainsworth, Queen of Attachment Theory? She said that internalized negative beliefs lead to actions that reflect those beliefs, including self-destructive behaviors.

These 3 quick examples of psychological theory throughout the ages show us that there’s a longstanding tradition of assuming that individuals really get on board the self-hate train and ride that sucker all the way to self-destruction town. By no means am I saying that these prominent thinkers in the field of psychology are trash, whose books should be burned and whose contributions are without value, but they make an assumption that I believe is out of pocket. By framing negative thoughts about oneself as “beliefs”, they imply that we actively subscribe to them. Thoughts and beliefs are not the same thing, and while it’s definitely true that people can internalize negative messages about themselves, we easily overlook a super important fact about our responses to these negative ideas.

What Our Feelings Tell Us About Self-Love

Let’s say you’re watching a show or reading a book and something good happens to a character you like. How do you feel? Good, right?

Ok, how about if something bad happens to that same beloved character? Devastating.

That makes sense, doesn’t it?

Ok, now you’re the character. How does it feel when someone says or does something kind, or complements you? Once again, you’ve got to admit that it feels good.

And if they put you down or make you feel less-than? Not great. Got it.

Ok, now last question: That person putting you down no longer lives in the physical world; they got themselves an executive 2-bedroom condo in your head. Now their messages are mainlined straight to your brain. How does it feel? F*ck!ng horrible! I know, right?

We feel bad when we think negative thoughts about ourselves because at the end of the day, we care about ourselves, just like we root for our favourite characters. We feel good feelings when good things happen to those we care about, and we feel bad feelings when bad things happen to them. As an aside, we also feel good feelings when bad things happen to those we truly hate. Like remember when Joffrey got his little ass poisoned on Game of Thrones, or when that dude who cut off that other dude’s ding dong and called him Reak got fed to his own dogs? You were doing the happy dance when those things happened, weren’t you?

But enough about epic TV shows, let’s talk science for a minute. What even are friggin’ human beings? Well, among many other things, we’re organisms. We may be highly evolved and super complex, but we’re ultimately no different than any other life form on Earth, in the sense that we’re wired to avoid adversity. Anyone who’s ever been a dick to ants, or spiders, or frogs, or chickens knows that they don’t put up with shit. They will do their best to get away from you if you’re not treating them right. This may not be the popular opinion in psychology land, which has a long history of propping up the idea that people really get on board with things that are bad for them, but there are a small handful of folks in the field who recognize that we actually do demonstrate care for ourselves despite the presence of those assholes and negative messages that live inside our heads.

Allan Wade is one person whose ideas have inspired us to see these things differently. He talks about resistance, which he defines as any behaviour or act where a person attempts to expose, withstand, repel, stop, prevent, abstain from, strive against, impede, refuse to comply with, or oppose any form of adversity. I know that’s a mouthful, and is super broad, but the point is that resistance can take many forms, including big actions, small actions, and even private thoughts. His idea is that people are never passive when facing bad experiences, and resistance is always present whenever there is adversity. If you think about it, it’s kinda weird that this isn’t the most popular way of looking at human struggles, because it totally fits with the fact that living things aim to sustain themselves and minimize suffering. Human beings should be no exception to this.

Explaining “Self-Hatred” and “Self-Destructive Behaviour”

That may all sound lovely, but then why the heck do we think bad things about ourselves and do things that hurt ourselves if we care so much about ourselves? Fair question!

It sucks thinking negative thoughts about yourself. And while there may be reasons that you do that that are very personal and unique to you, there are typically two reasons why we do this:

1. First of all, you have a working memory and have internalized those messages based on your experience of living in the world. We remember stuff, and we have a tendency to remember bad stuff more than good stuff. Like remember that time in your late 20’s when you felt too lazy to clean your kitchen so you put all your dirty dishes and containers in the oven, but then you got high and got a craving for pizza pockets, so you turned on the oven and all the plastic things melted? You remember that no problem, but what about all the times you pulled michelin star quality meals out of that hot boy?

2. The second reason is that we remember negative messages because they help us avoid social or interpersonal adversity, like judgment, rejection, and exclusion. If you think, “I’m such a loser and I can’t do anything right”, you’re probably going to avoid other people and situations where your shortcomings are on display, just like you’re likely to take a pass on an evening of live comedy featuring the hilarious and not at all sad Rob Schneider because you know you lose control of your bladder when you get the giggles. I’m not sitting here saying, “So aren’t these negative thoughts super great and helpful?!” because I know they’re no one’s idea of a good time, but they do play a surprising role in self-preservation. For more on this, watch our video that takes a deep dive into your inner critic.

Ok, I know it’s not 2017 anymore, I swear to god! But thinking back to that time Joffrey got his bitch-made ass poisoned, you know you went to sleep that night with a shit eating grin on your face because you were so happy to get a taste of sweet, sweet justice. What does that say about your sentiments toward that little bastard? I mean, it says that you hated his little ass because he was such an insufferable little prick! As far as all this self-hatred business is concerned, our feelings tell us a lot about where we stand on things, and if you feel bad when you think about all the supposed ways you’re trash, that’s a strong indication of how you really feel. It’s like what I said before about how we feel when good things or bad things happen to characters we root for. It’s one thing to think, “I suck and I’m a waste of space”, it’s another thing to get bummed out about that idea. You feeling bummed out shows you’re not here for that. If you were, wouldn’t you feel good that a bad thing is being said about such a loathsome individual? Really, the fact that you think negative thoughts about yourself is way less remarkable than the fact that you feel shitty when you think those thoughts. Those shitty feelings are actually an indication that you care about yourself and how you’re treated.

How about self-destructive behaviours? Surely those are irrefutable evidence of your undeniable self-loathing? Not so fast, junior! Even those bad habits that you know don’t really help your situation, like excessive drinking or substance use, binge eating, overspending, gambling, or unhealthy sexual behaviours serve a purpose that is surprisingly life-affirming. The suffering we experience around doing those things is really a bug, not a feature. In other words, they make us feel shitty because they’re not good for us, but we don’t do them to feel shitty, we do them to escape feeling shitty on an emotional level. All those behaviours I just mentioned are common forms of escape from really uncomfortable feelings. This totally fits with Allan Wade’s theory, that we resist suffering. Sometimes that resistance isn’t perfect. Sometimes it even creates ot her problems for us, but it’s resistance and an act of care for ourselves nonetheless. And to take this to an extreme, even those who think about suicide generally do so because it’s the least bad option that they can think of at the moment, or it’s a way of ending their suffering. And that’s not to say that that’s fine or not a big deal, but that that ideation and behaviour that is so often misunderstood as stemming from self-hatred actually comes from a longing to escape emotional pain, which is more pro-you than anti-you.

Ok, that all got a bit heavy, but this is some real shit. If you need to shake off some heaviness, stand up, move your body, and let us know in the comments whether you like kittens or bunnies more.

Now, it’s totally valid to see self-destructive behaviours as problematic because they cause suffering and carry with them a bunch of consequences that aren't ideal. You may try to convince yourself otherwise, but at the end of the day you know that you can’t really justify getting white girl wasted everyday just because you’re wearing your “It’s wine o’clock” tee shirt. Every. Single. Day. But it’s important to look at these behaviours in context and understand what they’re in response to. What I really want you to understand is that so-called self-hatred and self-destructive behaviours generally come from a place that is surprisingly self-caring, because they stem from the innate drive to resist adversity. Nonetheless, if drinking to excess, or stressing out over gambling debts, or feeling like crap after eating too much are getting old, it’s a great idea to work on replacing those behaviours with others that serve you better. Healthier responses to shitty feelings are probably more likely to actually help address the issues behind those emotions, and give you fewer things to feel bad about in your life. Life is hard enough. You don’t need more shame over how horribly you’ve dealt with things bringing you down further.

Dealing With Self-Hating Thoughts Effectively

So, the next time your inner critic is coming in loud and clear, consider that this doesn’t actually mean that you hate yourself. Just because you think something doesn’t mean you’re down with it, and your emotional response to those thoughts tells you all you need to know about how down with them you are. As for self-destructive behaviours, you can think of them as well-meaning but misguided. They’re the things we do to get immediate relief from hard feelings, but they also cause other problems that make them questionable options. One simple strategy to deal with the negative self-talk is to notice it when it’s happening, name it, like “Oh, there’s my inner critic again”, and respond to it, like, “It’s not helpful to think of myself like that”. Then, when it comes to changing self-destructive behaviours, notice your urge to do something regrettable, take a moment to pause, take a breath, and remind yourself that that doesn’t actually help and you don’t need more things to feel shitty about. Then do something that’s more likely to address the feeling you’re having better, like opening up to a supportive person in your life, writing in your journal, or going for a run.

3 Crucial Factors For Creating (and Sustaining) Change In Your Life

What I Learned the Hard Way (so you don't have to)

Going through puberty was utter hell for me. 😳

As the first girl in my grade to catch her menses, I was the princess of PMS purgatory. I was alone on an island for those first few months, attempting to survive the uninvited change my body was putting me through. “Becoming a young woman”, as some say, quickly inspired me to loathe everything about myself, especially my body.

From those adolescent days until well into young adulthood, the struggle with hating my body waxed and waned. There were periods where I felt totally disgusted with my body – standing in front of the mirror in short shorts I only dreamed I could wear in public, hurling horrible obscenities at my innocent thighs that had the audacity to rub together when I walked.

The hatred became the driving force for countless failed attempts to starve myself. I believed I could punish my body into skinny, hot submission. I promised my thunder thighs I would love them once they finally got in line and became half their size.

You would think that after 20 years of trying in vain to change my body, that I might give up – or at least get some serious help for my secret obsession. So, how did I manage to change things so drastically after so many years of struggle? The full story is far too long to share in one blog post, but I can outline some important factors that seriously helped me continue with my desire to change, in a kinder, more compassionate way.

The Role of Motivation, Trust, and Patience on the Road Toward Change

A few pieces of this big, complicated puzzle, consisted of some pretty basic goal attainment fundamentals: motivation, trust, and patience. While straightforward in theory, it was far messier and challenging than the basic instructions you can read in any self-help book.

Finding Motivation Through Our Struggles

For me, being motivated first required me to clearly identify exactly what I was striving to do. What was I motivated by? Was it the same hate, disgust, and shame I had experienced throughout my dramatic and exhausting adolescence? How did I want it to be different this time?

I knew what I didn’t want: to hate or mistreat my body. To stuff myself with food when life was hard. To be overweight and unhealthy while longing to feel different.

I also knew what I did want: to love and accept my body. To be a healthy weight that had my body feeling energized and full of life. To nourish my body with foods that it loved and appreciated, and tasted good! To be able to wear those short shorts, even if my thighs rubbed together.

Imagining the outcome I wanted was a big help in feeling motivated to do things differently. But the motivation was inconsistent, especially when I slipped up, stuffing myself to the point of button-popping bloat. There was fear there, a belief that if I hadn’t worn those short shorts with pride yet, it was a mere pipe dream.

It was in realizing the inconsistent nature of my motivation that I began to treat it differently. I decided that I wasn’t going to rely on myself to feel naturally inspired, but that I was going to have to do some real work to create a foundation for my motivation to stand on.

So, what did I do? I considered all that I wanted with regards to my body and food, and logically assessed all that I would need to do (within my control) to fulfill these goals. I then measured the level of motivation that I currently felt to make these changes in practice. And let’s be honest, who naturally feels motivated to put the sugary delight of ice cream down in the heat of an emotional breakdown?

When I recognized what areas I lacked motivation in, I gathered outside sources to inspire my motivation to grow. I found inspirational stories told by people who had struggled in similar ways, only to overcome and live differently.

I also made a commitment to look at my own life for my stories of success. Even if it was in a seemingly meaningless decision to close the fridge door when I wasn’t actually hungry.

Motivation can be there for you when you need inspiration to pursue your goals. When your energy is drained and you want to give up, it can help you keep going. It can act as your own private cheerleader, encouraging you, believing in your ability to persevere and succeed.

Connecting more deeply with your own motivation

Because it's always helpful to have reflective questions to guide your self-development work, here are some questions you can use to connect more deeply with your own motivation:

• What are you motivated to do day in and day out? And why?

• Why do you want to achieve this desire of yours? What’s in it for you? How will life be different? How will you feel?

• What is it like for you to feel motivated? What makes it a preferred state of being?

• Who serves as inspiration for you and your desires? Who has achieved what you’re setting out to do? How do you relate to them? How are you similar?

• If you’re struggling to feel motivated, what might be getting in the way? Do your beliefs align with a feeling of motivation? Do you have any evidence that what you want to do is possible?

Simply put, the answers to these questions can lay a strong foundation for your internal motivation. The more detailed you can be, the better.

Developing Trust

To be perfectly honest, harnessing motivation after giving it a little bit of attention, wasn’t that challenging for me. Trust, on the other hand, was a whole other ball game.

Given that I had dedicated a good 20 years to this desire, without any real long-term change, I didn’t have any reason to trust that my present efforts would be fruitful.

I had developed the belief that if I didn’t drop five pounds of excess fat over night after one day of eating well and a bit of exercise, I was doomed. It was proof that my body was somehow incapable of being healthy and fit. The food I would stuff down my gullet in response to this realization was further evidence that I could not be trusted.

I truly did not trust that things could be any different. That is, until I actually recognized my lack of trust. Again, it was helpful (and necessary) spending deliberate time first recognizing where I was at with trust, and then what was getting in the way of me experiencing more of it.

I had to work through a whole hell of a lot of past experiences that I had previously judged as "proof" of my everlasting failure with this mission. I worked to make sense out of my present lack of trust, and what was required to experience any semblance of something more positive and conducive to change.

I asked myself what I needed to believe about this goal and my capacity to achieve it. I explored other achievements I had conquered in the past, and how these could lay a foundation of trust in my abilities.

I then considered the logical reasons for trusting in this goal as being achievable. I focused on how other people had achieved it, and acknowledged that it is physically possible for my body to be healthy. Google Images became my best friend, as I could easily pull up example after example of people becoming fit and achieving their health and body goals.

I kept this information close at hand, and reflected on it regularly to build more trust.

I also started taking action and looking for how this experience could further the foundation of trust. I assessed how my body felt to make the lifestyle changes, even if my body didn’t look any different after the first day.

I took it a step further and worked on cultivating bigger beliefs about my capacity to achieve my desires based on all I had already done in my life. Even the seemingly menial tasks were pieces of evidence that I could trust in myself.

This is the practice of trust. It is something you do, something that you can engage in.

What evidence do you have that you can trust in the possibility of achieving your desires?

What I’m trying to say is that trust is another crucial factor on the road to achieving desires.

Trust ties in to your beliefs about yourself and your place in the world. Trust can be there when the results aren’t showing up as quickly as you would like. It can ease your worry and frustration, and help you in continuing in the face of obstacles. It can support you in taking calculated risks, and addressing fears. It is the antithesis of doubt.

Questions to help you feel more connected to trust

• What have you been able to achieve in the past that required your trust?

• How do you presently rely on trust (and likely take it for granted)?

• Why are you able to trust in the things you do?

• How is A likely to lead to B? How do you know?

• Did you experience trust the first time you tried? What helped in building trust?

The Real Kicker: Patience

UGH. I hate being patient.

Just writing about patience brings up memories of my dad pleading with me to be patient and temper my relentless quest to get what I want NOW.

Upon reflection, I realize that patience has been an even bigger struggle for me than the issues with my body.

The world we live in, with the unprecedented accessibility to instant gratification, has not helped matters. With the ease of Google search, I have become the queen of reading spoilers and binge watching Netflix into the wee hours of the morning. I want it all, and I want it NOW!

When I mixed impatience with my desire for my relationship to my body and food to be different, things just got harder. You see, no matter what evidence there was that I was making progress toward attaining my goals, it was never good enough. It didn’t happen fast enough, or the evidence wasn’t big enough to make space for more than a sliver of patience. And so I was left frustrated with myself and the world, figuring that something must be seriously wrong with my metabolism if I didn’t drop 5 lbs of excess fat over night.

Again, the change boiled down to a whole lot of awareness. There was no chance I could change this pattern until I actually realized that I had a serious issue with patience.

I reflected on what got in the way for me in being able to withstand a bit of time and effort before seeing results. I considered what helped me feel more patient in different scenarios. I realized that patience wasn’t born in me, but it could be practiced and developed.

Perhaps you can relate? If you're human, you can probably identify with the feeling or fear that if something isn't happening right now, that it won't happen ever. It's in these moments that patience can be your ally.

Some Patience-Building Questions

• How do you feel emotionally and in your body when you're waiting for efforts to pay off?

  • If you feel uneasy, anxious, or afraid, why do you suppose that is? Where do you think your discomfort comes from?

  • How have you eased that discomfort successfully in the past?

• When has calling on patience been helpful to you in the past? What achievements has it supported you in bringing to life? How did you access it then?

• How would you support a younger person in being more patient? What tips and guidance would you give them?

Tying Motivation, Trust, and Patience Together

Throughout my journey of cultivating the virtue of patience, I learned that motivation and trust are enormously helpful. As pillars of support, motivation was there to inspire me to take action in the first place, and trust helped me believe that the action would eventually pay off. With a clear focus on how I wanted these three factors to support me on my quest to creating and sustaining change, it has been a much different experience for me than it was before I clued in to their importance.

Using the questions above, you can feel more connected to your very own motivation, your trust in your abilities, and your patience to wait for the seeds you sew to sprout.

When have you found motivation, trust, and patience to be assets along your journey?

Is there one that has served you especially well, or that has been particularly difficult to connect with?

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What I Wish I Knew About Handling Fears, Doubts, and Worries

“It’s too hard!”

“I’m scared I can’t do it!”

“I don’t have what it takes, so why bother trying?”

These are familiar thoughts that I have had throughout my life, whenever I have dreamed of taking on a big change or aspiration.

Sometimes they show up as quiet, pesky thoughts that I can easily swat away with my sparkly magic wand of positivity. Other times they’re really REALLY loud, ominous, and devastatingly convincing. When that’s been the case, I’ve had to summon all my courage to keep from getting stuck in a rut.

Perhaps you can relate. These kinds of thoughts stem from our bigger, deeper feelings of fear, doubt, and worry. They are skilled at creating a state of confusion and distracting us from how we want to be feeling: confident, bold, and focused on bringing our desires to life.

In this post I offer my hard earned knowledge on how to keep fears, doubts, and worries from stopping you along the path toward bringing your desires to life.

Sitting With the Discomfort of your Fears

Let’s be real: we want things in life to come easy to us, and we don’t want to experience the discomfort that our fears, doubts, and worries bring. This is both perfectly natural, and often times counter-productive.

Fear is naturally something to be avoided.  That’s how it works!  It tells you, “that thing might not be safe”, and you, as the smart person you are, do what you can to keep bad things from happening.

You’ve also probably experienced how it can be counter-productive to listen to your fears all the time. While they largely have your best interests in mind, they can also show up when you have an opportunity to challenge yourself and grow. They deter you from taking risks that could actually bring you closer to bringing your desires to life. If your fears, doubts, and worries were to have things their way all the time, your life would be stagnant, in a constant state of maintaining the status quo.

When it comes to actually sitting with the discomfort of your fears, doubts, and worries, a common and understandable response is to find distraction and avoid actions that align with taking risks. There have been a number of years where this was a primary focus of mine. I’ve always been a big dreamer, but it’s taken me a lot of personal work to actually put one foot in front of the other and take concrete steps toward my aspirations.

My ways of avoiding action were sneaky. I mean, sure, I would do things that you too might notice yourself doing, like binging on TV shows and scrolling endlessly on my phone, but I would also do what looked like meaningful work, minus the follow through.

I would devote hours and hours of time to planning, looking meticulously at the how and what that would lead to the results I was seeking. But when those results didn’t appear after a week of work, I would hear those discouraging and destabilizing whispers of my fears, doubts, and worries, and ultimately get off track. I repeated this process again, and again, and again.

In retrospect, I believe a big part of the problem for me was that I didn’t pay attention and engage much with these feelings. I had deemed them enemy #1 to be fought off or to surrender to (depending on my energy level that day). I hadn’t taken the time to ask what those fears and doubts really had to say about what I was doing. What were they based on, and why were they showing up when they were?

Although I’m not a big proponent of psychological diagnosis, reflecting on this tedious process reminds me of Einstein’s saying, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results”.

Through the personal work I’ve done on these issues, I’ve learned that acknowledging your fears calls them out and allows you to assess their validity. It can also help you in determining whether or not these fears and doubts are useful to listen to, or if they're worth disrupting.

Disrupting Your Fears, Doubts, and Worries

Challenging your fears, doubts, and worries might feel like the last thing you want to do, preferring instead to distract yourself and pretend they’re not there. But they’re showing up for a reason, and facing them can be empowering.

Here are some questions that can help you along that path:

• Where do you think those fears and worries came from? What experiences do they remind you of

• Who else that you know of has similar fears, doubts, or worries? What experiences do you share with them?

• If your fears were to help you avoid experiencing something negative, what might that be? Why does it feel important to avoid having that kind of experience?

• When those fears are present, how do you respond? What do you feel most inclined to do/avoid doing in those moments?

• Are there actions you’ve considered taking but felt too afraid? If so, what were they and how did you decide against taking them?

By reflecting on questions like these, you can get a clearer sense of where your fears, doubts, and worries are coming from. This can help you take a more compassionate stance with yourself, while also considering how you want to engage with those concerns. Who knows, perhaps there’s something worthwhile in their message, but you can’t know until you really understand where that message is coming from, and how it makes sense as a response to your lived experience.

Calling Out the “Buts”

Sometimes it can be hard to pinpoint a worry or fear. This is when it can be useful to pay attention to the language you use. What words come to mind when you think about taking action and you feel constrained by fears?

One word that aligns very closely with the language of worry or fear is “but”. Many of us use that word often and take it for granted, but how and when we use it is a very good indicator of aversions we have. These might sound like,

• “I would like to be healthier BUT…”

• “I would like to be in a loving partnership BUT…"

• “I want more friends BUT…”

The statements that follow the “buts” can take on many different forms, such as,

• “…I don’t have the ability or capacity to make it happen”

• “…there are forces outside of my control that will get in the way.”

• “…there is something wrong with me that makes this impossible.”

What follows the “buts…” for you? What fears, worries, or concerns are they based on?

Is your desire for change greater than the level of fear you experience? Are there ways to gently challenge the fear in safe and manageable ways?

Putting “Buts” in Context

Up until recently I believed that there was something fundamentally wrong with me that would prevent me from having a body that looked the way I wanted it to. I longed to be fit and healthy, to let go of extra body fat, and to feel fantastic in my body. But I doubted that this could be possible. Maybe my metabolism was broken, or perhaps I didn’t have the ability to be consistent enough. Those were a couple of “buts” that got in my way.

When I got down to doing this work myself, I recognized that my “buts” were supported by faulty evidence based on the prior attempts I had made to create change in my body (all of which had fallen short). When I finally addressed the ideas, I took a close, honest look at my past efforts by asking questions like, “What had I done”, “How long did I try, and what were the results?”, and “What got in the way of me continuing to try?”

It soon became clear to me that the approach I was taking did not support me in being able to maintain a consistent effort. I tried too much at once, and restricted my eating so greatly that my body rebelled with cravings that no amount of will power could battle. I learned that I needed a realistic, achievable approach that allowed me to be consistent day in and day out until I reached my goals. I saw that the problem wasn’t some inherent shortcoming within myself or my body, but in the strategies I tried.

I also gathered logical evidence to counter the fear that there is something outside of my control preventing me from having the body I want. I googled the hell out of what could truly prevent this desire from coming to life and learned that it would be highly unlikely. There are factors that can slow down the process, such as my hypothyroidism, but it is still possible for my body to change.

This is when logic can come in handy. When you think about your desire, what do you think needs to happen for it to come into fruition? Break it down in detail:

• What knowledge do you need?

• What action do you need to take? What are all the small steps you can think of?

• Who could help?

• What skills might you need?

• What might you need to learn or practice?

Working Through Your Worries, Fears, and Doubts

Once you’re able to identify what your worries, fears, and doubts are, and you feel fluent in noticing the “buts” that get in the way, you can start creating a case against them.

Questions like these can help you through that process:

• Who do you think believes in you the most? What have they observed about you that supports their perspective of you? What evidence would they give you to support you in believing in your abilities to achieve what’s important to you?

• When assessing beliefs, ask yourself how you know that belief to be true? What evidence is there to back up this belief? What choice do you have in holding that belief? When was it more or less true for you? Who else is it true for? Who is it not true for? How do you know?

• What are some beliefs that have changed throughout your life? What did you once believe was impossible, that you now believe is possible? How did that change occur?

• If you believe that it is impossible to change in the ways you long to, what would have to be different for the change to occur? What could others do to make it easier or harder for you?

• What evidence do you have of your personal success in other areas? What challenges have you overcome throughout your life? What universal challenges have you faced, and learned through trial and error to overcome?

• Critically assess your beliefs – why do you believe in this? What evidence do you have in its truth? Why do you want to believe this?

• Who can you invite to be a cheerleader when doubt and worry come into the picture?

Moving Forward From Fear, Doubt, and Worry

Nearly everyone struggles to take action toward meaningful goals at some point in their lives. Fears, doubts, and worries are generally the common denominators across these difficult times. While they are understandable responses to our lived experiences, sometimes they do their jobs too well, and we end up sacrificing movement for safety. If you take the time and really get to understand where your fears, doubts, and worries come from, you can then respond with more intention, and ultimately take the wind out of their sails.

How do you deal with fears, doubts, and worries in your life?

What helps you take risks to challenge fears, doubts, and worries?

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Why Understanding Context is the Key for Effective Therapy

Do you ever have the feeling that something isn’t right in your life, but you can’t quite put your finger on what it is?  Or maybe you know very well how things aren’t working, but you struggle to see why?

When people first sit down to with us to talk about the challenges they’re facing, it’s not uncommon for them to say, “I feel this way for no reason”, or “I don’t know why I feel this way…I just do”.  When you feel stuck and are struggling to make sense of why that is, talking with a counsellor who can help you see the bigger picture can make a world of difference.

Why Context is Crucial

Reasons are important.  For better or for worse, how we make sense of the problems we face directly informs how we deal with them.

Examples of this are clear throughout human history.  Just look how far we’ve come in the field of medicine!  For instance, have you ever heard of bloodletting (apologies to our squeamish readers)?  This was a practice used over several thousand years to treat illnesses, which were thought to be caused by people having too much blood in their bodies.  When people got sick, medical professionals would remove blood in attempts to restore equilibrium and good health.

If you’re alive in 2017 and have ever seen a doctor, you know that bloodletting is not considered a standard (or even remotely appropriate) practice.  Instead, we treat illnesses with things like antibiotics, probiotics, vitamins, immune boosters, and specially developed interventions that directly target the problems our bodies face.  Because we know more about the context surrounding particular ailments than we did 3000 years ago, we can address them more effectively in context-specific ways.

Why the Big Picture Can Be Hard to See

That’s all fine and good when it comes to issues around our physical health, but what about the kinds of problems people bring to counsellors like us?  These are often issues that have more to do with emotions and experiences than the nuts and bolts mechanics of our bodies.

As social beings, the popular ideas of our societies and cultures inevitably make their way into our thought processes and lead us to think certain things about how we respond to our experiences.  Here’s an example of how we see that in our work as Victoria BC counsellors:

After her health declined significantly over the course of several months, Sam’s mother was diagnosed with both cancer and an auto-immune disease.  Sam found this profoundly upsetting, and put forth all the effort he could muster to support and care for his mom, as well as his father and sister who were also struggling with these developments.  The weight of the situation was tremendous for Sam, and he experienced a decline in his appetite, more frequent moments of irritability with his partner, and wakefulness at night when he was trying to sleep.  In counselling, he lamented that although this was the most difficult period he and his family have ever faced, these feelings were out of character for him, as he’s usually a happy and carefree person who rarely feels upset when the going gets tough.  Coming in to counselling, Sam had the idea that his despair was unacceptable and invalid, which added another layer of distress to his situation.

Because no one lives outside the influence of culture, we have to consider how ideas about “appropriate” experiences and expressions of emotion inform someone like Sam’s understanding of their responses to what they’re dealing with.

Ideas that suggest “being strong” means not feeling profoundly upset when hardship strikes (or not showing that we’re upset when we are), or that we should just be able to “carry on like normal” can lead us to believe that there’s something wrong with how we’re feeling.

This places the emphasis on “fixing” our emotions rather than exploring what we need within the situation we’re dealing with.  By doing this, the context surrounding our distress is made illegitimate and we’re left scratching our heads as to why we’re experiencing things this way.

The Cost of Easy Answers and Quick Fixes

Simple, individualistic explanations for why we struggle can be both appealing and troublesome.  It can be easy to think about the issues people bring to counsellors, like feeling unhappy or experiencing a lot of worry, as problems of the mind.  Period.  Just like with Sam’s situation above, this leads us to see our responses to the adversity we face (like our emotions) as the parts that need fixing.  We believe there’s more to it than that.

There’s a sea of information on the internet about how to address so-called problems of the mind, and more often than not that’s where people begin their journey of trying to make things better.  “Strategies to not feel anxious” or “ways of not feeling depressed” can be really helpful in some practical ways, but they may not address the reasons behind the feelings you’re experiencing.  In short, they look at the small picture – the emotion or behaviour – but not the bigger web of relationships between the emotion or behaviour and other important contextual factors.

Focusing on the small picture, and the small picture alone, can lead you to feeling more upset, frustrated, and discouraged that things aren’t improving despite your best efforts.

Focusing on Context Makes for More Effective Therapy

The field of psychotherapy has a long history of trying to get to the bottom of things as simply as possible.  Over the decades, this has involved reducing the reasons for the problems we experience to singular origins.  For example, someone might say they struggle with confidence because their parents never encouraged them enough, or they feel unhappy because their self-talk is negative.  Period.

While it’s nice to have simple and straightforward answers to things, perspectives like these leave out more aspects of your experience than they actually take into consideration. They may be relevant pieces of the puzzle, but they probably don't account for the whole picture.

When people come to us, we find it really helpful to not just focus on their feelings, behaviours, or pain, but to expand the scope and explore their place in the tangible world they live in.  We invite people to get out of their heads and into the broader realm of their experiences.  One way we do this is by asking questions that go beyond your thought processes and feelings.  You can read more about that here.

This is a good time to revisit Sam.  If we were using a more traditional, less contextually-focused approach to our work, such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, we might guide him toward monitoring his thoughts and practicing private interventions when he notices himself feeling low or anxious.  That would, in all likelihood, be helpful to some degree, but may also fall short at addressing other important aspects of Sam's situation.

A more contextually-focused approach, like Response-Based Practice, allows us to help in even more tangible ways.  Here’s an example of what that might look like with Sam:

• Asking Sam questions about how he’s managing the complex situation he and his family are facing:

  • “What do you worry about the most throughout the day: your mom’s health or your own responses to the situation?”

  • “What’s more stressful: not knowing whether your mom will be ok or trying to ‘hold it together’ for her, your dad, and your sister?”

  • “Who would you worry about the most if they were to know that this has been so hard for you to deal with?”

  • “Who do you imagine would worry most about you if they knew how much you were struggling?”

-Questions like these can shed light on Sam’s awareness of the social dynamics between himself and the others involved, and how he’s navigating those factors.

• Asking Sam questions about the meaning behind his emotional responses:

  • “If your despair could speak for itself, what would it say about what your mom, dad, and sister mean to you?"

  • “What do your worries and fears say about the care you have for each person in your family?”

  • “Who in your life would be most concerned if you weren’t feeling much of anything about the situation at hand?  Why would that be cause for concern?"

-Questions like these can clarify Sam’s values and show how the feelings he’s concerned about are expressions of love or care.

• Offering questions that help identify Sam’s needs or longings behind his responses:

  • “If you could absolutely trust that someone in your life would be ok if they knew how hard things were for you right now, who would you want that to be?”

  • “How much pressure would be released if you knew you didn’t have to hide the extent to which you’re struggling on top of the worry about your mom?”

  • “What do you like most about being a support to the people you care about? Who in your life do you think would be most grateful for the opportunity to support you at this time? How would you let them know you value that support?”

-Questions like these can help reveal practical solutions that can actually make a tangible difference for Sam’s wellbeing.

Our hunch is that a conversation like this would help Sam go out on a limb and recruit more support for himself, thereby reducing the strain he feels from having to “be strong” in such an understandably difficult time.

Using Questions to Better Understand the Context Around Your Own Problems

We hope this gives you an idea of how response-based, context-focused questions can help draw your attention to pieces of the big picture that are totally relevant in understanding your struggle, but which are also often left unexplored.

You can use questions like these on your own to shed light on the big picture of struggles you face:

• When did you first notice that things took/were taking a downward turn?  What was different between this time and before things got bad?

• Who noticed that things took a turn for you in this way?  What was their response like?  Did their response help or did things get worse for you after?

• Is there anyone you’ve been careful to keep out of the loop regarding how you’re doing?  Why is that?  What difference does self-censorship around certain people make for how you’re doing?

• Who is most worried about you and how do they let you know?  What difference does their concern make in terms of how you’re doing?

• If you could imagine removing or adding certain “key ingredients” (contextual factors) to make things better, what would those be?  What difference do you imagine that making?

Are there any particular ways that you use to see the bigger picture of what you or others are dealing with?

If you think it could be helpful having these kinds of conversations, feel free to drop us a line.