How Conflict Avoidance Quietly Kills Your Relationship

What conflict avoidance looks like

Ok everybody, I want you to raise your hand if you’ve ever proclaimed that for your next birthday, all you really want is some gnarly conflict with your partner! Now let’s see here, how many hands do I see in the air…none!? I’m shocked!

I know conflict is nobody’s favourite pastime, especially with their better half. And why? Because it makes you feel all the feelings that aren’t any fun at all, and it leads to the most frustrating arguments that seem impossible to resolve. Why on earth would you run head first into that bullsh!t? So when your partner does something that hurts your feelings or irritates the sh!t out of you, you find ways to tune out the emotion and dodge the conflict like a ninja.

Maybe you pick up your phone and start scrolling, dive back into our videogame, have a glass of wine, or take a massive hit from that ice bong. After all, your feelings are probably just stupid or wrong, and bringing issues up with your better half will only cause problems, because it’s not like you’re fighting right now.

Maybe you've tried to address it with your partner before and they were defensive or invalidating. Maybe they dismissed you and left you feeling insecure in the relationship. Or worse, started raging at you for daring to express a little frustration.

Whatever your experience has been, you’ve got your reasons to avoid talking about your difficult feelings. And we get it, who wants a fight every time they’re a little irked or frustrated in their relationship?!

But then you start to figure out that your avoidance strategy isn’t the life hack you wish it was. You may not be fighting, but there’s this tension that you just can’t shake. It feels like you’re walking on eggshells and all your interactions are weird and awkward, and you’re getting mad and having stupid fights about things that really don’t seem like a big deal on the surface.

So is the avoidance worth it? I think we both know the answer to that question, and I’m going to explain how and why conflict avoidance actually leads to more fighting. I’ve also got some therapist-approved strategies to avoid those stupid fights, and if you read until the end I’ll tell you how to get your hands on our exclusive cheat sheet to help you face conflict in your relationship fearlessly.

How I learned that conflict avoidance doesn’t work

Not to brag, but I used to be the queen of avoidance. Any time I had a difficult feeling, especially in a relationship, I would do everything in my power to stuff it down into that overcrowded cavern we stick our feelings in. And it wasn't until I was in a relationship with Will that I came to realize that suppressing my feelings wasn't working all that well for me. I can remember the exact moment when I truly had to confront my way of communicating. We were doing our regular grocery shop and I cannot remember for the life of me why I was upset with Will, but I was. And so I did what I always did up to that point: I went silent. And I was so, so, soooo good at the silent treatment that Will finally had enough. He made it clear that if I was unwilling to be forthcoming about how I was feeling and express it to him, that he wasn't going to be able to continue in the relationship with me.

I was terrified. I valued our relationship so deeply, in no way did I want to be hurting him or punishing him with silence, but I felt frozen in those moments. It almost felt like it was impossible for me to speak because the fear was so intense. Fear that I wouldn't be understood, fear that my feelings were stupid and that I shouldn't be feeling this way to begin with, fear that my feelings would push Will away and ruin our relationship. But ironically, that’s also what avoidance was doing. While I was experiencing this fear, I also knew that I had to challenge myself to do things differently because avoidance was causing way bigger issues than the initial problem itself. Like a baby deer learning to walk, I very slowly, and with a lil trepidation, I began to express my feelings. Will was amazingly patient with me and was an incredible listener. He helped me to see that my feelings were actually valid and that it made sense why I was upset about whatever it was I was upset with - even if it was about him.

This was a massive turning point for me and our relationship. Over the past 10 years I’ve worked really hard at facing conflict like a warrior queen, and guess what? I’ve made conflict my bitch. By no means is it something I do for fun, but I recognize that it can actually be a safe, healthy, and productive process that makes things better in my life.

I want you to hear this piece - learning to be able to express my hard ass feelings has been one of the most freeing, empowering changes I’ve made in my life. And I’m not a unicorn. The exact same thing is true about the clients we’ve helped learn to stop avoiding conflict and start facing it with constructive courage.

How to stop avoiding conflict with your partner

Ok, so talking takes work, and if your lives are anything like ours, the last thing you have is energy in the tank for more goddamn work.

It would be so nice if you could put your relationship on autopilot and cruise through life without any bumps or detours while keeping the love bubble that started on your first date fully inflated. But if you're watching this right now, you’ve probably already figured out that the less open you are about the good, the bad, and the ugly, the more disconnected you feel in your relationship. And disconnection feels really, really shitty. This is where you start to feel more like roommates than romantic partners, and that’s just depressing. And if that isn’t the kicker, it’s not like you actually successfully avoid conflict while carrying on like this. You exist in a state of tension until someone gets fed up with something and loses their shit, and then you go at each other like two rabid hyenas. It’s not a pretty sight.

How conflict avoidance keeps problems unresolved

Be real with your girl for a minute: what do you think is easier, doing the work now and having some tough, but important conversations to work through your issues, or letting things fester until it feels like there’s not a single square inch of floor space covered with eggshells? If you said, “The first one”, you would be right. One big reason why conflict avoidance doesn’t work is because it leaves you with a way bigger, nastier mess to clean up later.

If you really want to understand something, do you tend to want more or less information on the subject? What a stupid, cheeky question that is, of course you want more information, because more information leads to a better understanding. The inverse is also true: having less information leads to a worse understanding, or dare I say, mis-understanding.

Your relationship and the stuff you have conflict about is no exception to this. And guess what rare and unexpected gift conflict offers you: the opportunity to gather useful information that could very well help resolve a fight - or even prevent future ones! Think of conflict as the process of working through a problem, and when you avoid it, you close the door to that opportunity. This leaves you stuck with assumptions that are probably not super warm and fuzzy toward your better half, and probably not entirely accurate. So if you like feeling stuck, resentful and perpetually a lil to a lot angry, avoiding conflict is a super effective way of keeping you there.

How conflict avoidance hurts your romantic connection

I could probably rattle off 100 more reasons why avoiding conflict screws over your relationship, but the last big one we’re going to cover in this video is the fact that it murders your connection. If you think of the problems in your relationship like junk, and conflict as the process of cleaning that shit up, the more you avoid dealing with issues, the more shit piles up. That shit takes up space, and over time it ends up displacing the good in your relationship, like feelings of fondness and care for one another (or hot, sexy attraction). This leaves you with a pile of stank ass resentment a mile high, and like I said earlier, that’s adding crap to the original issue, making it that much harder to work through.

Now here’s another cheeky little question for you: when you’re carrying around resentment, do you think that makes you more chill and easy going or more of a snapcase? If you guessed option B, you’re a goddamn genius! There’s a direct pipeline that runs from conflict avoidance, to resentment, to freaking out over small stuff because you feel so fucking pissed off inside all the time. Want to break free from that miserable cycle? There’s only one way: You both need to be willing to put it all on the table in a healthy, constructive way, and work through your shit.

If you’re sitting there like, “Throw us a bone, Laura! How the hell do we actually do that without the conversation devolving into a dumpster fire?” We got you! Check out our awesome online course SMART Conflict for Couples. Starting with the basics of healthy communication, Will and I walk you through everything you need to deal with conflict like pros, and nothing that you don’t.

I know conflict is hard and totally not fun, but a tense, mediocre relationship is worse. Tell me in the comments if I’m wrong!

How to Stop Explosive Fights When You Feel Triggered

Why couples have explosive fights

It’s a feeling you’re all too familiar with.

With all the busy crap you have to deal with, you’re already permanently exhausted. And because apparently there’s no time to recover, you keep going, taking care of business.

And that’s when you stumble upon something infuriating. Maybe it’s a coffee mug in the bathroom, maybe it’s workout clothes left beside the laundry hamper (not in it), maybe it’s your whole ass house looking like it was ransacked by toddlers. You’re feeling both discouraged and pissed because you’ve talked to your better half about this very issue more times than you can count, and now your blood is fully boiling and you just want to rage!

I’m going to walk you through exactly what you need to do to be able to deal with these hard ass feelings constructively, so you don't lose your shit and end up with another dumpster fire fight that ends with someone sleeping on the couch or packing their bags.

The role of frustration in explosive fights for couples

There are countless ways Will and I drive each other crazy. Just imagine trying to run 2 businesses with your husband, and discovering that you have completely different work ethics and ways of thinking. Nightmare.

Then there's parenting differences on top of that. Even though we share values when it comes to raising our girls, we were raised differently and don't share a brain, so we can easily be pissed off by the different calls the other makes. And even though we can find ourselves wanting to claw eachothers eyes out or hurl offensive insults at one another, we know that blowing up at each other would only ruin our lives further and risk the health of our relationship.

This actually just happened to me last week. It was another annoying pro-d day, so the girls were at home all day and Will was on parenting duty. Before the day even started, I was stressed about the cost of Will taking the morning off work, and mom guilt for not being with them for the day. After I finished seeing clients, I walked into the house expecting it to be relatively tidy as Will and I tend to be on the same page about that. I come to find the house in a complete disaster - toys everywhere, dishes and old food out - and now Will is heading straight out to see clients! So guess whose plate all that bullshit lands on? Lucky me! At that moment I was FRUSTRATED as hell, and felt like he left this responsibility for me to deal with since he'll be out of the house until the girls go to bed. Internally I wanted to explode and tell him how pissed I was at him.

The role of emotional dysregulationin explosive fights

When you are maxed out busy and overwhelmed, it can feel next to impossible to stop and take notice of how you are actually feeling without burning the entire world to the ground. It’s like you’re running on autopilot, not necessarily super aware of your emotions and how things might be building up for you. I mean, you know you’re pissed, but you may not have a full grasp of why you feel that way. Like, is it because you feel disrespected, not valued, or not considered? The lack of awareness you have in times like this can play a big role in why you blow up at your partner when frustrated or angry.

To deal with this, we recommend you act like a snail and slow the heck down so you can identify how you’re actually feeling when big, nasty emotions knock on your door. The way I do this is by acknowledging what I’m experiencing. Like, “I’m fucking frustrated right now”. Then I lean in a little more and ask myself “why”. I want to understand my feelings on a deeper level than what’s obvious on the surface. It’s obviously shitty for your partner to leave a big mess for you to clean up, but what about this is particularly upsetting for you? This is a crucial step if you want to express and deal with your feelings constructively, rather than just taking them for a ride to that familiar place you know will only make things worse.

How to stay emotionally regulated in fights with your partner

It’s not just hard to be aware of how you actually feel and why in a moment of rage, simply not behaving like a piece of shit can feel beyond difficult. Have you ever tried to not be a shitty parent while feeling mad? It’s hard and it sucks! Or feeling stressed out while trying to meet a tight deadline at work when you're in your probation period? It's like juggling 10 running chainsaws at the same time.

But no joke, I guarantee any terrible fight you’ve ever had with your better half has involved emotional dysregulation, which is a clever clogs way of saying “losing your shit”. To keep your shit together, or stay emotionally regulated, y’all gotta breathe, y’all gotta want to keep from losing your shit, and y’all gotta do things that help you stay reasonably cool.

And when I say “reasonably cool”, I mean just that. You don’t have to sound like mother goose when you just want to grab your boo and shake them, but make it your goal to be decent. As far as your breathing is concerned, I know this might sound so basic, like what you might try to teach your 4 year old, but breathing is one of the few ways we can keep ourselves from emotionally going off the rails. For real, I dare you right now to take one big deep breath, in through your nose for 4 seconds, and out through your mouth, and let us know in the comments how different you feel. Sure, it may not feel like you’ve just taken an edible, but you’re probably 1 teeny tiny degree calmer than you were before you took that breath.

If you can walk down the street and chew gum at the same time, you can make it your business to stay focused on your breath while approaching a hard conversation. Then, as far as wanting to stay emotionally regulated is concerned, that’s really a mindset thing. The fact of the matter is, if you set your mind to something, you’re way more likely to achieve it than if you don’t. There’s a sick, twisted part of everyone that just wants to flail when we feel upset, and if we don’t keep that in check, we’re likely to do just that. And to be real, that sick twisted part is just our human nature. As soon as we're feeling ramped up, our body is fully prepped for danger. So you need to teach your body that it ain't in danger! So tell yourself, “I’m gonna keep my shit together”, and it’s far more likely that you actually will.

And lastly, do things that keep you calm and grounded. Splash water on your face, pour yourself a cup of tea, or imagine that you're on the Bachelor. You don’t want to lose your shit on National TV and be forever known as a snapcase! Just do whatever helps you be your best self in these challenging moments.

The steps to avoiding explosive fights with your partner

Ok, so you’re mad, but you’re doing a good job of keeping yourself reasonably calm. You’re aware of how you feel, you understand why you feel that way, and you haven’t lost your shit. Believe it or not, none of this is an accident, you’re doing it all on purpose. Pat yourself on the back!

Now you have a very important question to answer: Do you say anything to your better half or do you zip it and keep that frustration in your noggin? Here’s where a cost/benefit analysis comes in handy. There are a whole host of reasons why you may feel like not expressing your frustration: Fear of conflict, fear of being a nag, fear of being misunderstood, fear of ruining a peaceful moment, or even fear of ruining your relationship as a whole.

There’s also the possibility that you’re feeling frustrated about something that’s not entirely fair, like maybe your partner made dinner and put the kids to bed, and you’re left cleaning up the kitchen while they enjoy some TV time. It’s annoying that you have to be tidying up the house when you’d much rather be relaxing too, but maybe it’s not entirely fair to expect them to help in that scenario.

Then of course there are reasons why it’s good to speak up when you decide it’s fair: Bottling up your feelings is like leaving leftovers in the fridge for weeks or months on end. You’re going to end up with some nasty, stank ass resentment; you can’t expect a problem to improve if you don’t deal with it; and harbouring frustrations creates disconnection. And distance and disconnect probably aren’t things you put on your relationship vision board.

So weigh the costs and benefits, and if you decide that talking about it really is the best option, then approach your partner in a thoughtful, intentional way, and be honest but respectful. Let’s say you’re pissed about the state of the house, it’s not going to work out so well to say “How dare you leave the house like this, you lazy son of a bitch?!” Instead, take a breath and say “Honey, I’m really annoyed with how messy the house was when I came in from work, and that I had to put it all back together. Can you please make more of an effort to keep that from happening in the future?” With this, you’re acknowledging your feelings, you’re being open and honest with your better half, and you’re addressing the issue, all without losing your shit and setting the dumpster on fire.

Expressing concerns and frustrations without losing your shit may not be easy, but you got this! It’s a skill, and just like anything else you’re good at, it takes practice! Talk to your better half about how you can both support one another in dealing with frustration and anger more constructively, and make it your mission to deal with those feelings without making matters worse.

We’re rooting for you, and if you’re a busy couple who’s sick and tired of having frustrating fights that go nowhere, check out our awesome online course SMART Conflict for Couples, where we guide you through absolutely everything you need to do to stop fighting and feel more connected and fulfilled in your relationship.

How Defensiveness Hurts Your Relationship

Transcript

We’ve all been there. That moment when someone says something that immediately gets your back up. You’re left with the instinctive feeling of being under attack, and the impulse is to defend. And in this defence of yourself, you might notice yourself getting heated and saying something to criticize or attack back. And suddenly you find yourself in heated conflict, unsure of how you got here and what to do next.

If you’ve noticed defensiveness coming up for you in your relationships, stay tuned to learn how to make sense of defensiveness, and what can potentially be done about it in your relationships.

Hi everyone, I’m Laura Brown from Heart & Oak Therapy, supporting better, brighter lives. We’re relationship counsellors in Victoria BC who do regular videos on mental wellness, and give you practical ideas and tips to make your life happier and more fulfilling – so hit the subscribe button to keep in the loop!

First and foremost, you might be wondering, what is defensiveness? Well, it’s simply the attempt to defend yourself against a perceived attack or threat. Defensiveness is often talked about as a problematic way to deal with conflict in relationships because of what that attempt to defend sounds and looks like. Most often when we refer to defensiveness, we are speaking to the tendency to attack or criticize back or shut down the conversation altogether. Responding with defensiveness can be a problem when it gets in the way of hearing the true intention behind the message and amplifying the misunderstanding or conflict by hurting the other person back. Who may then respond with defensiveness to your message, snowballing things until you find yourself in a nasty mess and unsure of how to resolve it.

Defensiveness can be unique to each person, and can be influenced by a whole host of factors. How we interpret that message can be influenced by the how the other person packages that message – the tone, the choice of words, body language, and the environment they choose to deliver that message in. For example, you may attribute greater meaning that the words conveyed when someone uses an aggressive tone of voice, is standing over you, and is doing so in front of a crowd of people. Someone could say the exact same words using a softer tone, with open body language, and in private, that leaves you with an entirely different interpretation of the message.

This goes to show that we use a whole host of intel to interpret messages, which is why it is so important to consider the full context of when and how defensiveness comes up for you.

Beyond how the other person delivers this message, the way in which you interpret it can also be influenced by what is happening for you presently. Things like your present mood, your energy levels, the amount of sleep you have, and what you’re focused on can all contribute to how you interpret what someone is saying to you. 

For example, I am 100% guilty of getting extremely hangry at times. You’ve heard this concept before – the brutal reality that some people experience when their blood sugar drops and their left in a terrible state of anger and hunger. When I forget to eat and find myself feeling this way, it is incredibly hard for me NOT to get defensive. Even though his intention behind a message may be one of sincere care and concern, and is delivered in a way that clearly suggests this intention, I can hear it as an attack. And given the state I’m in, it’s likely for me to be pretty nasty in response to this. Honestly, some of our worst fights have been in large part because of my unbridled hanger.

In addition to how your feeling in the present moment, how and what someone says to you can also be perceived as an attack depending on the meaning you make what is said. Perhaps it reminds you of something you have felt criticized for in the past, by the person giving the message or someone else entirely. Or it could touch on something that you feel sensitive about, and that you could potentially address in a constructive way to heal or work through that sensitivity.

I’m going to use a really silly example from my own relationship to highlight a sensitivity that I noticed coming up when Will has made comments about me burping. Now, I want to make one thing clear, Will DESPISES burping, he thinks it’s disgusting – even more disgusting than farting. And I have a love for fizzy drinks, which can lead to unintentional burping on my part. This is now even more problematic because I’m pregnant and have a harder time controlling it. 

In addition to this, I’ve also become more sensitive as to whether or not Will finds me as attractive because my body is changing so much. In no way has Will done anything to contribute to this sensitivity, and I truly didn’t even realize this was an issue for me until Will commented one night on my burping. Usually when he would call out how gross he finds it, I would tease him back or flippantly say sorry, and then let it go. We have a pretty open relationship where we don’t tend to take offense when we call out the gross things the other one does. 

But the other night I perceived it as criticism and became super defensive in response, arguing that he was incredibly mean and rude for saying anything given my pregnant condition. He was left a bit flabbergasted and responded with a bit of defensiveness back. And before we knew it, we had a big ol misunderstanding on our hands. It took me taking a step back and questioning why I was so offended by what he had said that I came to realize my sensitivity. In expressing the real reason for why I was offended by him, Will expressed that his comment in no way reflected his level of attraction or love for me. 

So, what can be done about defensiveness? One of the best ways to shift your relationship with defensiveness is to become aware of when and how it happens for you. First, make sense of it for yourself, and in that noticing you can hold that feeling while also assessing its validity.

Whenever defensiveness comes up for you, you have an opportunity to determine whether or not the person delivering the message truly intended to criticize or attack you. You can ask yourself, why did I interpret this as an attack or why do I feel offended? What did the other person say or do that had me responding with this feeling? In finding the answers to these questions you can then inform the person of your interpretation. This can be done without a critique of the person, but rather a clear, direct acknowledgment of why and how you came to feel the way that you did.

Pulling from the burp example, instead of criticizing Will for what he said, I could have responded by saying “When you said my burping was disgusting, I was hurt because it made me think you don’t find me attractive”

Of course, this is an ideal response, and one that may not arise in the very moment that the conversation is happening. However, even having this type of conversation well after the fact is useful because it offers you an opportunity to reflect, be curious, and be vulnerable in a way that can lead to greater understanding and trust between you two. It also requires a sense of emotional safety from your partner to provide you with the space to be truly vulnerable in this way.

When you take steps to become aware of defensiveness, it opens you up to hearing the message in the way it was intended to be heard. By alerting you to the reasons why you do not initially interpret the message in this way, it offers you and your partner an opportunity to look at how you communicate, and what could be done differently to avoid misunderstandings in the future. It also gives you space to really consider how the two of you want to treat one another when things are going well, as well as when conflict and misunderstandings develop.

And now, turning it over to you, the Heart and Oak community. What has your experience been with defensiveness? What have you done to respond differently, even when you feel under attack of criticized? Share in the comment section below!

If this video has been interesting or helpful, go ahead and hit the “thumbs up” button below. For more helpful videos related to therapy and mental wellness, subscribe to our channel and hit the bell notification icon to make sure you stay in the loop.

Take care until next time, and keep doing the things that help you live a better, brighter life!

Things NOT to Say in a Fight With Your Partner

Transcript

One thing that almost all couples can relate to is conflict, and feeling regret after saying something hurtful in the heat of the moment. If you and your partner are tired of conflict that just seems to drive you apart, then this video is for you. Keep watching to learn some key things to avoid when conflict arises, so that you can feel closer and more connected!

Hi everyone, I’m Laura Brown from Heart & Oak Therapy, supporting better, brighter lives. We’re Victoria BC therapists who do regular videos on mental wellness, and give you practical ideas and tips to make your life happier and more fulfilling – so hit the subscribe button to keep in the loop!

In my practice, I love working with couples to help them discover new and better ways of relating to one another during conflicts. It truly is the most common reason that most couples seek my help. Let’s be honest, most people aren’t interested in learning how to communicate when they are getting along perfectly well. The problem instead, is struggling to find ways to work through disagreements in constructive ways.

It is all too common for couples to feel incredibly frustrated, hurt, and exhausted by the ways in which one or both partners treat the other when they’re fighting. For a lot of couples, the frustration of attempting to find resolution can feel impossible. So a lot of conflicts are left unresolved, with feelings of resentment and hurt piling up and disrupting their connection. 

One awesome thing about couples counselling is that it can help partners quickly learn that it’s not about trying to avoid conflict – a nearly impossible feat - Instead, it’s all about finding different, more helpful ways of working through disagreements. So let’s talk about what NOT to say or do when you feel challenged by your partner.

One of the most important ways to communicate in the heat of a conflict is to avoid criticizing, attacking, and name calling. Examples of these things include:

 “What’s wrong with you? Are you an idiot?! How do you not know how to do this?!” Statements like these can be on the cusp of, or outright, bonefide verbal and emotional abuse, because, to a greater or lesser degree, they are degrading, humiliating, and opporessive. If statements like these are done consistently over time, they can serve the purpose of asserting power and dominance over the other partner, as opposed to a rare expression if frustration.

Avoiding this way of communicating is so important because you cannot take words back. Once they are said, and the hurt is felt by the partner on the other end, there is a whole new issue to deal with – reconciling after a nasty attack. This kind of behaviour sets the stage for more hurt, and escalates the conflict and tension between you. It’s also problematic because it distracts you both from the original issue, which makes it harder to get to a place of resolution.

If one or both of you notice that you criticize, attack, or insult your partner during conflicts, then there are some ways to change this.

First and foremost, one of the most helpful things you can do is begin paying close attention to what you do when conflict arises. If you feel angry, afraid, or otherwise upset, slow down and assess what it is you are feeling and thinking about the situation at hand, and how you are expressing this with your partner. 

Play detective and really get to know the full context of what is happening before, during, and after you criticize, attack, or insult. It can be an uncomfortable process, acknowledging and owning actions you may not be proud of, but as hard as it may be, the benefit makes this process worth it. Also, the fact that you are experiencing discomfort shows that you know this type of behaviour is wrong, and it’s worth listening to your own moral compass.

After you have a thorough understanding of what goes on for you and your partner during conflicts, and how you come to communicate with criticism, attacks, or name calling, you can begin to explore better alternatives. Consider how you want to communicate in a more desirable way that you can be proud of.

One way to do this is to explore factors that help you to communicate with kindness and compassion, even when you feel angry or hurt.

Some questions that can help you get to this place of understanding include:

• What kind of mood do you need to be in to say your piece in a kind, clear, and direct way?

• Where do you need to be?

• What do you need to do?

• What can your partner do to support you in communicating in this way?

• How can you hold yourself accountable to communicate in this way?

One thing I want to stress here is that you are absolutely responsible for your own behaviour, so if you have a hard time addressing your partner in kind ways when you feel challenged, it’s not your partner’s job to just avoid doing the things you feel challenged by – provided they are reasonable and not abusive. With the exception of abusive behaviour, you’re not being accountable if you say, “In order for me to treat you with kindness and patience, I need you to stop leaving your dirty clothes on the floor”

So, notice and assess how and when you feel challenged by your partner, consider how you can express that in clear, direct, and kind ways, and be open to working WITH your partner on making things better for both of you.

By learning to communicate with more kindness in the midst of conflict, you will build a greater level of trust, a more egalitarian dynamic, and the emotional safety to be vulnerable and to truly connect on a deeper level with your partner.

When you are able to cultivate a relationship with this type of communication, the two of you will have greater freedom to make mistakes, learn, and grow together.

I want to make one thing clear: it is absolutely possible to change the way you communicate, by putting in some attention, time, accountability, and effort.

I have been lucky enough to watch couples work together, to hear and understand one another’s positions, and find resolution in kind, respectful ways that ease frustrations and hurt feelings. Old conflicts that have yet to be resolved can be revisited and worked through to heal old hurts.

And now I’m turning it over to you, the Heart and Oak Community. What has your experience been with criticizing, attacking, or name calling during conflicts? What have you done to challenge yourself or your partner to find new, preferred ways of working through conflicts?

If this video has been interesting or helpful, go ahead and hit the “thumbs up” button below. For more helpful videos related to therapy and mental wellness, subscribe to our channel and hit the bell notification icon to make sure you stay in the loop.

Take care until next time, and keep doing the things that help you live a better, brighter life!

Cheating in Relationships: Why Do People Do It?

Transcript

Finding out your partner has been unfaithful can feel devastating. Being unfaithful yourself can leave you ridden with guilt, shame, and confusion about your relationship. If you’re trying to understand why people cheat, this video is for you!

Hi everyone, I’m Laura Brown from Heart & Oak Therapy, supporting better, brighter lives. We’re therapists who do regular videos on mental wellness, and give you practical ideas and tips to make your life happier and more fulfilling – so hit the subscribe button to keep in the loop!

Whether someone has cheated once or many times, it is generally a wakeup call that something isn’t quite right for at least one person in a relationship. But before we dive into that, let’s get on the same page with what “cheating” means.

Cheating is any type of behaviour that crosses either the spoken or unspoken boundaries set by partners in a relationship. For most couples, faithfulness is an assumed part of a committed relationship – and often doesn’t get talked about in explicit ways unlesssomeone is unfaithful. Simply put, “cheating” is breaking the rules that you and your partner set for each other.

For some, this may mean engaging with someone outside of the relationship sexually, emotionally, or both. Having sex with someone else is pretty clear and straight forward, whereas having an emotional affair can be a little more nuanced. 

An emotional affair consists of forming an emotional, intimate bond with someone outside of the relationship. The feeling you share with this person is different from a platonic connection – there is an affectionate, potentially flirtatious, and emotionally charged dynamic that develops. 

People cheat for all sorts of reasons. And there is no “one size fits all” explanation. However, there are some general themes that can serve as a starting point to begin understanding why people choose to cheat. So let’s dive in and take a look at what some of those reasons are.

One reason why people cheat is because the unfaithful partner is dealing with a personal struggle or issue.

For example, I worked with a client who expressed how he was committed and in love with his partner, but found himself cheating on her repeatedly. When we first began working together, he said that he believed he had a sex addiction, and that cheating was based on an uncontrollable urge that he wanted to stop, but that he couldn’t figure out how to.

Throughout our conversations, it soon became clear that cheating served a purpose for him. As much as he didn’t want to hurt his girlfriend and be unfaithful, he would pursue other women in response to experiencing anxiety. The pursuit of other women, in spite of the risk to his present relationship, served as a distraction from his anxious feelings. As we explored the problem further, he shared that he enjoyed the thrill-seeking nature of cheating, and that it made him in feeling more alive. Once we were able to nail down what cheating did for him and what benefit it brought to his life (along with the obvious cost), he was soon able to find new ways of having those needs met that did not involve cheating.

So realizing the personal longing or need that cheating satisfies can help you recognize other ways to address them without the potentially negative consequences of being unfaithful.

A second reason that people cheat is because they feel dissatisfied with some aspect of their present relationship. Now, before I go on, I want to make one thing crystal clear: I am in no way suggesting that the partner who gets cheated on is somehow responsible for their partner’s behaviour. Making sense of people’s choices is not a means to place blame on the other partner. 

Being in a long term committed relationship can be hard, even for those couples who seem to have the “perfect” relationship. It can be common for couples to become accustomed to a particular dynamic, which can be hard to change without a lot of conscious effort and work. When this dynamic becomes unsatisfying to one or both partners, people may respond by looking outside of the relationship for an escape or a way to have their needs met by others.

I have worked with couples where one partner chose to cheat in response to longing for more physical and emotional affection and attention. Cheating can be a way to have this need met, as opposed to working with your partner to find solutions that you can both agree on. 

If you are considering cheating or have already cheated in response to a sense of dissatisfaction, take a close look at your relationship and ask yourself what it is you are longing for. What do you need more of to become satisfied? Is your partner aware of how you feel? If so, how have you communicated this, and how did they respond? Does your partner understand and validate your experience? Do they want to work with you to find solutions? 

Not unlike with the first reason, identifying the relationship longings behind a partner’s decision to cheat can create opportunities make the relationship more satisfying and sustainable.

Another reason that people may choose to cheat is because they realize they are unhappy in their relationship, and are looking for a way out. This could be something that they are fully aware of, or it could be an underlying feeling that they have yet to address. 

If they are aware that they want to end the relationship, they may be experiencing a lot of guilt or concern of how their partner or others might respond. Perhaps they are avoiding the reality of where they are at, trying to escape the sense of guilt for being the one to call it quits, and finding themselves drawn to the idea of entering a new relationship.

Unfortunately, even if the cheating partner has good intentions by wanting not to hurt their significant other, cheating usually hurts so much more than just being straight and honest about things just not working for them.

The fourth reason as to why someone might cheat is related to a longing for a sense of power or control. Sometimes people who describe themselves as having “commitment issues” feel scared of being “locked down” by a monogamous relationship. For them, cheating is a means to feel like they’re not losing their power to a commitment that trumps their free will.

Of course, no relationship should undermine anyone’s right to consent, whether we’re talking about in the bedroom, or the relationship in general. If someone thinks that they need to cheat in order to preserve their sense of autonomy, it can be helpful to acknowledge those worries and arrive at an understanding that puts those fears to rest.

The final reason why someone might cheat that I’ll be touching on in this video relates to a desire to hurt their partner in a malicious way. Perhaps the cheating partner feels resentment toward their significant other, or has been hurt by something they’ve done in the past. Or maybe they feel dismissed or not taken seriously, so they use cheating as a way to show their partner what they’re capable of. In this way, cheating can be a means to get back at a partner in a way that really hurts. This can also be an abuse tactic, as an affront to the relationship and their partner’s dignity.

If this is the case, and you want to avoid cheating, these are often issues that can be addressed in more direct and therefore effective ways. If the vulnerability needed to talk openly about hurts, resentments, and other hard experiences doesn’t feel safety, this is where talking to a skilled couples counsellor can really help. It offers a space to address what needs to be talked about so that more constructive action can be taken. 

So, as hard as cheating can be for a relationship, addressing it creates an opportunity to take care other important issues. This can actually lead to more closeness, intimacy, trust, and connection, if handled well.

Now turning it over to you, the Heart and Oak community: Are there other reasons a partner might cheat that I didn’t address in this video? Which reason stuck out to you the most, and what did it get you thinking? Be sure to let us know in the comment section!

If this video has been interesting or helpful, go ahead and hit the “thumbs up” button below. For more helpful videos related to therapy and mental wellness, subscribe to our channel and hit the bell notification icon to make sure you stay in the loop.

Take care until next time, and keep doing the things that help you live a better, brighter life!

Is it OK for Couples to Fight?!

Transcript

Have you and your partner have been bickering or full on fighting more than ever? No matter what you do to try and resolve it, you’re encountering the same thing time and time again. And now you’re worried that it might mean something bigger about your relationship. 

Conflict in relationships can be a messy, confusing issue. You can probably relate to just wanting to get along with your partner without any tension or fighting. In this video I answer the age-old question – is it okay for couples to fight? The answer might surprise you, so keep watching!

Hi everyone, I’m Laura Brown from Heart & Oak Therapy, supporting better, brighter lives. We’re therapists who do regular videos on mental wellness, and give practical ideas and tips to make your life happier and more fulfilling – so hit the subscribe button to keep in the loop!

Conflict can look different for every couple. For some, it’s a quiet, private event, with little verbal communication exchanged. For others, it can be pretty heated, with each partner asserting their point of view to be “right”. Usually there’s feelings of annoyance, frustration, anger, and or hurt – which people respond to in lots of different ways.

Just to clarify, when I refer to conflict, I’m talking about people in relationships not getting along. Although sometimes these things get confused for one another, I’m NOT referring to violence or abuse, which is a fundamentally different issue altogether. I’m happy to make a video clarifying the difference between fighting and violence or abuse another time.

The issues behind a conflict can be just about anything – anything that you and your partner may have a different belief, feeling, or opinion on. It’s usually about something that matters to one or both of you, and a point of difference or disagreement.

Regardless of how you disagree or what you disagree over, some couples can find it really draining to experience a lot of conflict, and you might be wondering what it means about your relationship if and when you do fight. 

Well, let’s dive in and explore the ins and outs of conflict.

So, if you’re like a lot of people, you might presume that a healthy relationship is one where you get along all the time, and that fighting is the worst thing for your relationship.

While I can understand the appeal of never fighting, I think it’s totally unrealistic to expect to have conflict-free relationship. Because you and your partner are two people with different life experiences and perspectives, conflict is bound to arise!

The way me and a lot of relationship experts see it, conflict itself isn’t a problem, it’s how you respond to conflict that matters. In fact, I would argue that it can be problematic to continuously avoid having conflict when there’s an issue to address. 

Why, you may ask? Because avoiding conflict doesn’t mean that there aren’t issues like hurt feelings or resentments to address. Engaging in conflict constructively can actually help us clear the air and become even closer.

Avoiding conflict can be a fast track to resentment because you aren’t able to come to a place of resolution. Resentment can act like a dead, silent weight on a relationship that can eat away at the love you share.

Speaking of resentment, not only is it more likely to hang around when we avoid conflict, it can also build when you and your partner do engage in conflict, but struggle to find resolution. When conflict is half-heartedly dropped because it seems impossible to talk through it, nothing changes in the long term.

So how can couples fight in helpful and constructive ways?

First, get a sense of whether or not you, as a couple, struggle when it comes to conflict. Do you or your partner avoid fighting like the plague by keeping concerns to yourself, or withdrawing when your partner raises an issue, or saying what you think the other person wants to hear? Does one of you get aggressive or defensive even before anyone has said something hurtful? My main point here is: assess how you respond to issues in the relationship.

Having a clearer sense of how things tend to go wrong when it comes to fighting in your relationship can give you an idea of what to do about it. Depending on the situation, it can be as simple as being mindful of what you say and do when issues come up. But sometimes it’s less straightforward, like when it’s clear that there are personal issues that need to be worked through before the conflict gets easier. In cases like that, it can help to reach out to a therapist or to do some personal work in your own way.

A third helpful tip is to be aware of your energy levels when engaging with challenging issues together. Ask yourselves what energy you each have to openly and compassionately address the real issues. This is an opportunity for you both to respect where you’re at, and understand that both low and charged emotions can make it hard to work together as a team.

When you feel that you’re in a space to openly hear one another, you can begin by exploring each of your feelings about past or present hurts, and listen openly to what your partner has to say about it. What was it like for you during that conflict? How did you feel when it was happening?

And this brings me to one more tip: work on really listening to your partner. This means listening without interrupting, without forming a rebuttal, without judgment, and without defensiveness. It means being curious without making assumptions. Practice asking questions that help you understand your partner’s perspective, rather than arguing against them, or, on the other hand, telling them what you think they want to hear.

 So, it isn’t really about whether or not you and your partner have conflict in your relationship. What counts is how you respond and engage with it. 

When conflict is used as an exercise to learn about one another and demonstrate love, compassion, and respect, conflict resolution can be a great opportunity to grow together. Getting to this place is possible if you both invest the time and energy to do things a little bit differently.

Now turning it over to you, the heart and oak community: What do you think about fighting in relationships? What are some ways you’ve experienced it helping or hindering your own connection with partners? Let us know in the comment section!

If this video has been interesting or helpful, go ahead and hit the “thumbs up” button below. For more helpful videos related to therapy and mental wellness, subscribe to our channel and hit the bell notification icon to make sure you stay in the loop. 

Take care until next time, and keep doing the things that help you live a better, brighter life!

Couples Counselling: Will it Work For You?

Transcript

Couples counselling can feel like a daunting and scary undertaking, but it can also make a world of difference for struggling relationships. In this video I address some of the most common ways that couples counselling can help your relationship, so that you have a better idea of what to expect. Stay tuned to learn how a skilled counsellor can help you turn down the struggle and turn up the satisfaction!

Hi everyone, I’m Laura Brown from Heart & Oak Therapy, supporting better, brighter lives. We’re therapists who do regular videos on mental wellness, and give you practical ideas and tips to make your life happier and more fulfilling – so hit the subscribe button to keep in the loop!

Realizing that your relationship could use a little outside help can be a big, important step toward making things better.

Unfortunately, there’s a still a whole lot of stigma out there when it comes to doing therapy, especially couples counselling. I hear it all the time – “the right relationship should be easy”, “if it’s meant to be, it will just work”, or that “love is all you need”. And let’s not forget about the social pressure to make it work at any cost. 

Then, on the flip side, there’s the belief that if you aren’t satisfied in your relationship, it’s better to cut your losses than to keep trying to make it work. All of these mixed messages and ideas can leave a lot of couples feeling confused, hopeless, and stuck!

So how can couples counselling help you go from feeling discouraged to secure in your relationship? Allow me to explain!

One of the most common reasons couples seek therapy is because they struggle to work through conflict in helpful and constructive ways.

Just about anyone who has been in a relationship can agree that it can be incredibly hard to find better ways to work through conflict when we’re the ones in the middle of it! It can be hard to hear your own tone, remember the content of what you say, and understand why your partner responds the way they do to it all. And digging into these details after the fact can bring up old hurts and frustrations.

The benefit of bringing in a third party, like a therapist, is that you and your partner are given the space to have your points of view heard by an unbiased professional. This creates a level of safety for both of you to share, have your perspectives reflected back to both of you, and ultimately understand each other better.

A couples counsellor can serve as a guide for you to find resolution to conflict by asking questions that encourage you both to validate one another’s perspectives. Doing this in a genuine way can support you both in softening any feelings of hurt and anger, creating space for compassion, understanding, and forgiveness. 

One way to know if this is a struggle that you and your partner are facing is by asking yourselves what usually happens when conflict arises in the relationship. How do you each respond, and how do you find resolution? Does it feel like you get stuck, or that big issues don’t get fully resolved? If so, this is one way a couples counsellor can help.

If it seems like this could be a helpful thing to work on, look into connecting with a counsellor who is skilled at supporting couples in developing effective ways of communicating. It’s important for you both to feel a connection with this counsellor, and that each one of you are treated fairly, without judgment.

The benefit of taking this step is that the two of you learn really effective strategies for communicating, which helps to create a stronger foundation that will support you in getting through all sorts of challenges down the road.

Another familiar problem that many couples face is feeling disconnected from one another, or out of sync.

It’s really easy for life to get in the way of focusing on the relationship, and for you to wake up one day and realize that you are both in a bit of a rut. This can feel like an overwhelming and scary realization, that can lead to lots of questions about the future of your relationship if the spark isn’t rekindled quickly.

If this is an experience you are familiar with, then getting the support of a skilled couples counsellor can be really helpful. This person can offer you valuable feedback and help you collaborate to create the changes you both desire.

Couples counselling offers a space to engage in an open, frank conversation about where the relationship is currently at, and how you both would like things to be different. 

When deciding who to reach out to, both of you can consider the support you need from a counsellor, and what both of you are looking for in terms of help.

In this way, relationship counselling helps hold you both accountable to focus on the relationship, giving it the attention you need to restore your connection.

 Another common reason that couples seek therapy is in response to a loss of trust between partners. This can be due to a transgression by one or both of you against the other, and couples counselling offers an avenue to heal and move past the hurt.

When trust has been shaken, it can be really hard to work together to make things whole again. Maybe one or both of you feel invalidated by the other, or that you aren’t given the space to feel how you feel about the situation. There might also be a lack of accountability taken for the wrongdoing that is getting in the way of forgiveness and healing.  

In situations like this, couples counselling offers an opportunity for the two of you to talk about what has happened in the relationship within a safe space. The upside of any struggle in a relationship, even those that feel huge and hard to overcome, is that they offer a chance for you to heal past hurts and create a stronger foundation of connection and trust.

For couples, reaching out for support doesn’t have to mean that your relationship is doomed and beyond repair. Instead, it can be a sign of the commitment that the two of you share in having a more desirable and fulfilling relationship. 

If this video has been interesting or helpful, go ahead and hit the “thumbs up” button below. For more helpful videos related to therapy and mental wellness, subscribe to our channel and hit the bell notification icon to make sure you stay in the loop.

Take care until next time, and keep doing the things that help you live a better, brighter life.