Depression or Dilemma? How Context Makes the Difference Between Feeling Stuck and Empowered

A Problem With Depression

As therapists, we have a lot of conversations with people who describe their suffering as “depression”. Though “depression” can mean something fairly different from one person to another, there is often a common element of feeling stuck with a sense of profound despair.

If you think about it (or if you’ve actually lived it), feeling stuck can be terribly depressing in and of itself! To feel stuck is to feel constrained from pursuing your hopes and dreams, and there’s nothing cheerful or positive about that.

In the world of mainstream therapy and mental health, it is the experience of despair, along with the associated thoughts, feelings, and behaviours, that get the most attention. When those parts are the focus, we naturally tailor our efforts toward “fixing” them. The body of mainstream psychological literature tells us that that is where the problem of depression both begins and ends. We therefore strive to think, behave, and feel differently, often in spite of relevant conditions of our lives.

As you can imagine, it’s difficult to get very far when that is the case. Folks in situations like these often feel unsure of what they can do, relying on professionals to help “fix” what’s wrong.

Using Context as an Ally

What gets left out of those conversations and efforts is an exploration of the broader context – the aspects of our lives and experiences that the depression is in response to. For many, it’s not just about feeling stuck in a state of profound despair, but about the real world factors that constrain our capacities to make our lived experiences better.

To put it simply, the “stuck” feeling that corresponds with depression is often a response to a dilemma – to negative circumstances that feel hard or scary to disrupt.

But don’t despair, there’s hope in that too! When that is the case, although we may feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, there is an ever-present possibility to take action to change things – even though we may be afraid of the outcome.

A Depressing Dilemma

Here’s an example to illustrate how a person’s depression can be more aptly seen as a response to a dilemma when enough context is given:

When Aryn came into my office for the first time, they described themselves as “struggling with depression”. They described having pervasive feelings of despair, frustration, and great difficulty focusing on their work. I became very curious and asked a lot of response-based questions to help clarify the broader context. They described how they had spent 10 years studying engineering, which they got into because they were told they could get a good job when they finished. That turned out to be true, but after just one day of working for an engineering firm, they had a panic attack in response to imagining spending the next 30 years doing that work. For Aryn, the work left a lot to be desired.

Aryn promptly quit that job and returned to school to pursue a graduate degree in the same field. Unsurprisingly, they struggled to find joy in their studies, and found themselves feeling an increasing sense of despair and anxiety. I asked about their worries around the possibility of changing direction in their career, and they acknowledged their fear of how their family members and in-laws would respond. They feared being coloured as “flaky” (a term that had been used against them in the past), having the legitimacy of their feelings disregarded, and told they were making the wrong decision – even though continuing on along that path felt anything but right. Aryn felt trapped.

Aryn illustrated how the lack of a clear and easy path forward created the very real constraints they were struggling against, which they responded to with a “depressed” mood. If I were in Aryn’s shoes, I think I would too. Acknowledging that all available options posed at least some degree of risk or adversity, we explored what might be the best solution to their despair. While it would be hard telling their family that they wanted to change their career and risk receiving negative, judgmental responses in return, they decided that was better than continuing down the familiar and unsatisfying path they were on. After making that difficult decision and taking the corresponding actions, Aryn felt a huge sense of relief from what they first understood as “depression” – even though they knew they weren’t out of the woods quite yet.

Social Contexts and Depressing Dilemmas

Despite popular cultural narratives that celebrate independence and total self-sufficiency, humans are inherently social beings. It’s therefore not surprising that depression (and most other problems people bring in to a Victoria BC therapy session) has key social aspects that often get overlooked. This has a lot to do with why most folks who consult with us about depression acknowledge feeling isolated, alienated, mistreated, constrained, or oppressed in their significant social relations (or society more broadly).

This was absolutely true for Aryn, who was in a career that left them wanting more, and who felt constrained by the social responses they anticipated receiving if they were to do what was needed to disrupt their dissatisfaction. When we really got into it, it became clear that their dilemma was profound: continue down a path that is fundamentally unsatisfying and a source of resentment, or make some important changes to their career path and risk alienation, isolation, and disapproval from the people who matter most in their life. That sure sounds like a recipe for depression and despair to me!

Understanding Context is Empowering

If you were to imagine yourself as a helpful friend (which I’m sure you are!) who had two friends in need – one who asked you to help them solve their depression, and one who asked you to help them navigate a dilemma – which one do you think you think you’d feel more confident in assisting?

While I don’t doubt that some folks would say the first one (there are some really clever people out there!), I’m inclined to think that more people would feel better equipped to help the friend with the dilemma. There may be lots of individual reasons for this, but a common one is that problems that are clearly situated in context are more tangible, and therefore easier to wrap our heads around.

This is a big reason why we find a response-based approach to therapy to be so helpful: it helps us take problems that may feel more overwhelming because they’re steeped in abstraction, and really understand them from the most important angles. If you think about it, a statement like “I have depression” doesn’t tell us a whole lot about what’s really going on for a person, whereas “I’m super unhappy and anxious because I feel unsatisfied with my career path and I’m afraid my family will reject me if I do what I need to do about it” does.

Using Awareness of Context to Navigate Social Dilemmas

There can be a lot of unlikely hope in the social dilemmas we face. While it is sensible to fear negative responses from the stakeholders in our lives because they often pose real material consequences (such as the loss of a relationship, a job, housing, income, opportunities, etc.), there are many nuanced ways we can navigate those situations to try to maximize a positive outcome. I make a point of never underestimating a person’s intimate knowledge of their relations and their ability to use fancy footwork to safely strive for what matters most to them.

While every situation and social dynamic is at least somewhat unique, the crux of how risky taking a chance and doing a hard thing is lies more in how you do it than if you do it. What I mean here is that we can often get discouraged and hung up on what might happen if we do a hard thing. While there may be some good insight informing those fears, it’s also important to remember that we’re capable of a wide array of communication styles, and the delivery of a message can make a significant difference in terms of how it’s received.

For example, Aryn probably knew that their parents would be more understanding if they arranged a time to meet with them and illustrated just how thoughtfully they’ve navigated the decision-making process around their career and education path. They almost definitely knew that would go over better than just sending them a text message saying “Hey I decided to quit engineering and drop out of school forever lol”.

My point here is to encourage you to remember that even though you may not always feel it, you are a social genius, capable of using thoughtfully chosen actions to address dilemmas, which can bode well for things turning out much better than you might fear.

Facing Depressing Dilemmas

If you read between the lines, the fact that we feel depressed when we feel stuck in a dilemma can say a lot about our values and what matters to us in our lives. When our freedom to make choices and take action in what we know to be our best interest is compromised, we protest on a deep emotional level. Although expressions of those emotions are often framed as mental health problems, we see them as signs of good mental wellness, and an implicit concern for our quality of life.

When you find yourself feeling depressed or in despair amidst constraining circumstances, we invite you to consider how those feelings make sense in relation to those constraints. What do they say about what matters to you? If they could be expressed as an “I wish…” statement, what would that statement be?

By being able to identify the dilemma behind the depression, you can then work more easily with the tangible factors that have made that a reality.

How To Get to the Heart of What You Really Want to Change

The Role of Professionals In Identifying What Needs to Change

Society has some interesting ideas about professionals. For the most part, we see them as the gatekeepers of knowledge. We seek out professional help when we want answers to things – when it's hard to identify what’s wrong on our own.

A lot of the time, that’s totally appropriate. If you took your car to a mechanic because it was making a concerning noise and they responded, “What do you think is the problem?”, you’d probably roll out of there and take your car someplace else. After all, it’s their job to diagnose problems and do what’s necessary to fix them.

Some people are surprised when they learn that therapy works differently than this. Because you’re a person and not an object like a car (unless of course you are a vehicle who has gained consciousness, in which case we’d love to meet you!), different rules and expectations apply.

Aside from purely physical treatments, like surgery or getting a tattoo, professionals don’t (and can’t) work on you – we work with you! And when it comes to therapy, the issues we help with are far more complex than a worn-out drive belt or a spark plug that’s on its last legs. The problems you bring in to counselling are multifaceted and nuanced, so when it comes to identifying what needs addressing, your perspective is the most important!

How We Support You in Identifying What You Want

If you’re just on the cusp of giving therapy a shot, but aren’t sure exactly what you want help with, fear not. This is actually one way counselling in Victoria BC can be really helpful.

You might be struggling right now and not feeling all that skilled at doing life, but we want to acknowledge something important about you: You know your life better than anyone else possibly could. Even more than us professional counsellors!

So where do we come in? Although we can’t honestly say “we have all the answers and know what’s best for every person on Earth”, we can offer our skill at helping you define your desires more clearly using questions you’ve probably never pondered before.

Using What You Don’t Want To Identify What You Do

A great way to start the process of identifying what you do want to change is by reflecting on what’s not working for you. Read this post on the benefits of knowing what you don't want for a little help and guidance through that process.

Once you’ve clearly defined what you don’t want, you can start to consider the preferred alternative. This is about flipping your complaints on their heads, finding the desire behind your resistance.

For example, if you are fed up with feeling bored and lethargic, the more positive, complementary statement might be “I want to feel more energized and inspired”.

The following are common experiences that many of our clients are looking to change:

• Depression, sadness, dissatisfaction Vs happiness, joy, contentedness, feeling more alive

• Loneliness and isolation Vs connection with loving, supportive people

• Anxiety Vs calmness, peace, confidence

• Binging or avoiding food, sluggish body Vs ideal health for your unique body

• Unhappy, disconnected partnership Vs satisfying, connected, intimate partnership

• Bored, apathetic Vs motivated, engaged

• Unsatisfying job Vs fulfilling, satisfying job

Helping You Identify Your Desires

It can be helpful to have exercises that get us thinking about the change we want to create. You can reflect on this process and more easily identify the tangible things that you do want. Below are some guiding questions and points that you can use to navigate this process.

Some common tangible yearnings include:

• balanced health (more energy, better digestion, preferred body weight/body fat %, strength, cardiovascular fitness)

• loving intimate partnership

• improved family relationships

• close friendships

• meaningful career

• reliable, consistent employment

• secure income

• a sense of safety and security in life

When you consider the various tangible things that you do want, what are the various feelings that you expect to experience in response to those things being realized? Do any of the following feelings resonate with your desires?

• excitement

• pride

• confidence

• feeling at ease

• happiness, joy, bliss

• achievement

• boldness, courage

• connection to others

Identifying Tangible Needs and Wants

When you consider these feelings, are there more tangible yearnings that correspond with them? For example, what are you passionate about? What brings you great joy and contentedness? When did you last feel courageous and bold? Who do you believe feels proud and confident in what they do? Might you feel that way in similar contexts?

If you’re feeling stumped, it might be helpful to consider your general needs:

• What do you need to feel different?

• What do you need to feel more happiness, more joy, peace, and general life satisfaction (or the feelings you desire to feel more of)?

• What do you see the people that you respect or admire most needing? And how do you know this is what they need?

For example, if you admire your friends who are working in jobs that they are passionate about, what does that satisfy for them? Is it an expression of creativity? Is it a certain amount of money on their pay cheque? Is it the connections they have created in the workplace? Is it a supportive work environment? If you don’t know, what would it be like for you to ask? Perhaps not those exact questions, but inquire about what their day to day work life is like, and what benefits they recognize in it. If you’re concerned about burdening them, just ask yourself how you would feel if someone took the time to ask about your life. Would it feel burdensome, or perhaps more like an opportunity to connect?

Looking Back to Move Forward

Another way to expand on your desires is to reflect on your past, and consider when you experienced more of the feelings you long for (ex. pleasure, joy, and satisfaction).

• What was different then?

• What were you doing with your time?

• Who were you connected to and how would you describe those relationships?

Using Imagination As your ALly

One of your greatest assets is your imagination. You can use this process as an opportunity to truly let your imagination run wild and consider alternative preferred experiences you wish you could have.

Oh, and it’s okay if your imagination feels a bit rusty at first.

• What happens when you begin considering your biggest desires being fulfilled?

  • How do you feel inside? What do you feel inspired or inclined to do?

  • What do you feel wary or afraid of? How might you address those fears?

When taking the time to imagine your preferred life, give yourself the space to really pay attention to what happens. Notice the buts... – those pesky thoughts that say “Impossible!” to the prospect of your dreams becoming a reality.

These questions can be helpful at getting you more into an imaginative mindset:

• What will you do if your desire is fulfilled? What actions will you take that are different?

• Where will you be? Will your surroundings stay the same, or how might they be different?

• How will you feel emotionally? Is there more excitement? Joy? Bliss?

• How will others respond? What might they say in recognizing the changes you have made and/or the desire you have fulfilled? Who will take notice and how will this be celebrated?

• In what ways will things be tangibly different?

• Are there any potential challenges that might arise in having your dreams realized? What fears, concerns, or worries come up when you consider your desires realized?

• What would having your desires do for you? How about for others in your life? For your community?

Turning “Wants” into “Haves”

Having a clear sense of what it is you want to change or create is a necessary step along the path toward a life that's not just better, but beyond better! From here it's easier to determine the route to get to your desired destination.

Stay tuned for our next post in this series on creating change. We'll help you assess where you’re at and your relationship to your desires.

Do you have ways of setting goals and working toward making important changes? What are they?

What do you find to be the hardest part of identifying what it is you want?

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Why Understanding Context is the Key for Effective Therapy

Do you ever have the feeling that something isn’t right in your life, but you can’t quite put your finger on what it is?  Or maybe you know very well how things aren’t working, but you struggle to see why?

When people first sit down to with us to talk about the challenges they’re facing, it’s not uncommon for them to say, “I feel this way for no reason”, or “I don’t know why I feel this way…I just do”.  When you feel stuck and are struggling to make sense of why that is, talking with a counsellor who can help you see the bigger picture can make a world of difference.

Why Context is Crucial

Reasons are important.  For better or for worse, how we make sense of the problems we face directly informs how we deal with them.

Examples of this are clear throughout human history.  Just look how far we’ve come in the field of medicine!  For instance, have you ever heard of bloodletting (apologies to our squeamish readers)?  This was a practice used over several thousand years to treat illnesses, which were thought to be caused by people having too much blood in their bodies.  When people got sick, medical professionals would remove blood in attempts to restore equilibrium and good health.

If you’re alive in 2017 and have ever seen a doctor, you know that bloodletting is not considered a standard (or even remotely appropriate) practice.  Instead, we treat illnesses with things like antibiotics, probiotics, vitamins, immune boosters, and specially developed interventions that directly target the problems our bodies face.  Because we know more about the context surrounding particular ailments than we did 3000 years ago, we can address them more effectively in context-specific ways.

Why the Big Picture Can Be Hard to See

That’s all fine and good when it comes to issues around our physical health, but what about the kinds of problems people bring to counsellors like us?  These are often issues that have more to do with emotions and experiences than the nuts and bolts mechanics of our bodies.

As social beings, the popular ideas of our societies and cultures inevitably make their way into our thought processes and lead us to think certain things about how we respond to our experiences.  Here’s an example of how we see that in our work as Victoria BC counsellors:

After her health declined significantly over the course of several months, Sam’s mother was diagnosed with both cancer and an auto-immune disease.  Sam found this profoundly upsetting, and put forth all the effort he could muster to support and care for his mom, as well as his father and sister who were also struggling with these developments.  The weight of the situation was tremendous for Sam, and he experienced a decline in his appetite, more frequent moments of irritability with his partner, and wakefulness at night when he was trying to sleep.  In counselling, he lamented that although this was the most difficult period he and his family have ever faced, these feelings were out of character for him, as he’s usually a happy and carefree person who rarely feels upset when the going gets tough.  Coming in to counselling, Sam had the idea that his despair was unacceptable and invalid, which added another layer of distress to his situation.

Because no one lives outside the influence of culture, we have to consider how ideas about “appropriate” experiences and expressions of emotion inform someone like Sam’s understanding of their responses to what they’re dealing with.

Ideas that suggest “being strong” means not feeling profoundly upset when hardship strikes (or not showing that we’re upset when we are), or that we should just be able to “carry on like normal” can lead us to believe that there’s something wrong with how we’re feeling.

This places the emphasis on “fixing” our emotions rather than exploring what we need within the situation we’re dealing with.  By doing this, the context surrounding our distress is made illegitimate and we’re left scratching our heads as to why we’re experiencing things this way.

The Cost of Easy Answers and Quick Fixes

Simple, individualistic explanations for why we struggle can be both appealing and troublesome.  It can be easy to think about the issues people bring to counsellors, like feeling unhappy or experiencing a lot of worry, as problems of the mind.  Period.  Just like with Sam’s situation above, this leads us to see our responses to the adversity we face (like our emotions) as the parts that need fixing.  We believe there’s more to it than that.

There’s a sea of information on the internet about how to address so-called problems of the mind, and more often than not that’s where people begin their journey of trying to make things better.  “Strategies to not feel anxious” or “ways of not feeling depressed” can be really helpful in some practical ways, but they may not address the reasons behind the feelings you’re experiencing.  In short, they look at the small picture – the emotion or behaviour – but not the bigger web of relationships between the emotion or behaviour and other important contextual factors.

Focusing on the small picture, and the small picture alone, can lead you to feeling more upset, frustrated, and discouraged that things aren’t improving despite your best efforts.

Focusing on Context Makes for More Effective Therapy

The field of psychotherapy has a long history of trying to get to the bottom of things as simply as possible.  Over the decades, this has involved reducing the reasons for the problems we experience to singular origins.  For example, someone might say they struggle with confidence because their parents never encouraged them enough, or they feel unhappy because their self-talk is negative.  Period.

While it’s nice to have simple and straightforward answers to things, perspectives like these leave out more aspects of your experience than they actually take into consideration. They may be relevant pieces of the puzzle, but they probably don't account for the whole picture.

When people come to us, we find it really helpful to not just focus on their feelings, behaviours, or pain, but to expand the scope and explore their place in the tangible world they live in.  We invite people to get out of their heads and into the broader realm of their experiences.  One way we do this is by asking questions that go beyond your thought processes and feelings.  You can read more about that here.

This is a good time to revisit Sam.  If we were using a more traditional, less contextually-focused approach to our work, such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, we might guide him toward monitoring his thoughts and practicing private interventions when he notices himself feeling low or anxious.  That would, in all likelihood, be helpful to some degree, but may also fall short at addressing other important aspects of Sam's situation.

A more contextually-focused approach, like Response-Based Practice, allows us to help in even more tangible ways.  Here’s an example of what that might look like with Sam:

• Asking Sam questions about how he’s managing the complex situation he and his family are facing:

  • “What do you worry about the most throughout the day: your mom’s health or your own responses to the situation?”

  • “What’s more stressful: not knowing whether your mom will be ok or trying to ‘hold it together’ for her, your dad, and your sister?”

  • “Who would you worry about the most if they were to know that this has been so hard for you to deal with?”

  • “Who do you imagine would worry most about you if they knew how much you were struggling?”

-Questions like these can shed light on Sam’s awareness of the social dynamics between himself and the others involved, and how he’s navigating those factors.

• Asking Sam questions about the meaning behind his emotional responses:

  • “If your despair could speak for itself, what would it say about what your mom, dad, and sister mean to you?"

  • “What do your worries and fears say about the care you have for each person in your family?”

  • “Who in your life would be most concerned if you weren’t feeling much of anything about the situation at hand?  Why would that be cause for concern?"

-Questions like these can clarify Sam’s values and show how the feelings he’s concerned about are expressions of love or care.

• Offering questions that help identify Sam’s needs or longings behind his responses:

  • “If you could absolutely trust that someone in your life would be ok if they knew how hard things were for you right now, who would you want that to be?”

  • “How much pressure would be released if you knew you didn’t have to hide the extent to which you’re struggling on top of the worry about your mom?”

  • “What do you like most about being a support to the people you care about? Who in your life do you think would be most grateful for the opportunity to support you at this time? How would you let them know you value that support?”

-Questions like these can help reveal practical solutions that can actually make a tangible difference for Sam’s wellbeing.

Our hunch is that a conversation like this would help Sam go out on a limb and recruit more support for himself, thereby reducing the strain he feels from having to “be strong” in such an understandably difficult time.

Using Questions to Better Understand the Context Around Your Own Problems

We hope this gives you an idea of how response-based, context-focused questions can help draw your attention to pieces of the big picture that are totally relevant in understanding your struggle, but which are also often left unexplored.

You can use questions like these on your own to shed light on the big picture of struggles you face:

• When did you first notice that things took/were taking a downward turn?  What was different between this time and before things got bad?

• Who noticed that things took a turn for you in this way?  What was their response like?  Did their response help or did things get worse for you after?

• Is there anyone you’ve been careful to keep out of the loop regarding how you’re doing?  Why is that?  What difference does self-censorship around certain people make for how you’re doing?

• Who is most worried about you and how do they let you know?  What difference does their concern make in terms of how you’re doing?

• If you could imagine removing or adding certain “key ingredients” (contextual factors) to make things better, what would those be?  What difference do you imagine that making?

Are there any particular ways that you use to see the bigger picture of what you or others are dealing with?

If you think it could be helpful having these kinds of conversations, feel free to drop us a line.

The Benefit of Knowing What You Don't Want

Starting at Square One: Emotions and Your Inner Compass

You know that you want something in your life to be different, even if the specific thing you want to change isn’t quite clear.

You may be experiencing feelings of dissatisfaction, or even an all-consuming sense of despair. It feels like there’s something (or a lot of things) left unsatisfied, and it may be overwhelming to think about.

Maybe you are fed up with prolonged feelings of sadness, exhausted by experiences with anxiety throughout your day, or straight-up done with always feeling angry with yourself, the world, or everyone else.

Being the smart person you are, you’ve probably also found ways to distract from your despair. These tactics help you avoid your feelings of distress for a period of time. The downside is that the distraction doesn’t last forever, and you are faced with a deep longing for something more permanent to change.

As unlikely as it may sound, this is an important and necessary place for you to be, as your feelings are giving you the loud and clear message that you need something better.  And if you were unable to feel that, you wouldn’t be able to take the important steps to make that happen.

Looking at Your Actions in Response to Your Despair

Our feelings go hand-in-hand with particular kinds of actions. When you’re happy and excited about life, you’re probably not spending your days hiding under the covers and wishing things were different.

As responsive beings, we don’t just have feelings about the things we experience, we also have feelings about our responses to those things. When we say “I’m tired of feeling this way”, we usually also implicitly mean that we’re tired of behaving in ways that correspond with how we’re feeling.

For example, you may be sick of binge eating, drinking to excess, or using drugs to escape your reality. You could be fed up with procrastinating on the things you think you should be doing. Or perhaps you just don’t have the energy to argue with your partner any longer. Though they may be concerning, these kinds of behaviours offer a stepping off point toward something that feels better.

How Knowing What You Don’t Want Can Help

Whether it’s feelings, behaviours, or a combination of both that you feel ready to address, you know you want to see a real change. And yet, you’re confused with where to start.

You might feel frustrated because you’re focusing your attention on what you don’t want. Maybe someone in your life has told you that that kind of focus can undermine your ability to bring your goals to life, and so you begin to worry that you’re going to be stuck in this place of despair forever.

Contrary to that perspective, exploring and realizing what you don’t want is a worthy endeavour because it shines a light on what you value in your life. Once you have a better sense of that, what you do want can become clearer.

A Personal Example

For example, in my teens and early 20's, I experienced a profound amount of sadness and worry. It felt consuming, and like something was seriously wrong with me. To the outside world, this might have looked like depression and anxiety.

Internally, I longed for things to be different, but I wasn't able to fully know what exactly I was dissatisfied with until I began taking a deeper look at my feelings and what they were telling me about the context of my life.

When I began paying attention to what I was feeling and why, I came to realize that I wasn’t sad for no reason. For instance, I noticed that I didn’t feel so sad when I was spending time with people that I cared for, and that sadness was predominantly present when I was alone. I started to consider whether my sadness was really a response to loneliness and disconnection. I also began to notice that my worries were louder and bigger when I became aware of my loneliness, and that I feared I would become even more isolated.

When I explored this worry further, I realized that it was not only about disconnection – I was also concerned about my purpose in life. I was 24 and scared that I was not on the right path to having a satisfying and meaningful career. I had lofty dreams, but felt clueless and overwhelmed about the steps I needed to take to achieve them. I believed that I was under a time crunch to figure out my whole life.

When I looked at the context of my life, I recognized that I had just ended a long-term relationship, finished my undergraduate degree, and moved back to Victoria from Vancouver. It made sense to me that I would be feeling lonely and concerned about the future because I had moved away from my primary social networks, and was in limbo about my career and purpose in life.

At this point, it had become clear to me what I didn’t want: I didn’t want to feel so lonely or to be disconnected from my community. I also didn’t want to be in limbo about my career and purpose in life.

This information was useful to me because it served as a starting point to gaining clarity on what it was I wanted to change, and what I might want instead.

Helping You Identify What You Don’t Want

Conversations can be incredibly helpful when it comes to making progress on important issues – that’s part of what makes counselling in Victoria BC so effective! But if you don’t have someone to have those conversations with, it can feel really stagnating.

As an alternative to talking things through with another person, reflection questions can also do the trick.  I offer these questions to help you on your journey toward clearly identifying what you don’t want:

• What happens when you stop to consider all of the things you no longer want in your life?

  • What emotions come up? And what do you do when you feel this way? (For example, “I feel scared, and when I feel scared I eat when I’m not hungry”)

• How do others respond to you when you share your dissatisfaction or despair?

  • What do they say and how do you interpret their responses?

  • Is there space to talk about this and be given the support you desire in return?

• If the busyness of daily life is interfering with clarity, is there space to take an hour of time to dedicate to experiencing some peace and tranquility?

  • Some helpful ways to experience peace are to:

    • get out into nature

    • listen to a guided visualization/meditation

    • listen to relaxing music

    • take a bath with relaxing music

Next Steps Forward

This post offers some practical ways of exploring and identifying what you don’t want as a way of creating important changes.  Stay tuned for the next post, as I address ways of identifying what you do want and where can be helpful to go from there.

Do you have your own ways of identifying what you don’t want?

Have you found it helpful to be able to do so?  If so, feel free to share about how!

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Meet the Counsellor: Laura Brown

Anxiety, worry, and fear are an interesting kettle of fish.  As a therapist, I spend several hours of my week talking to folks just like you about such things.

Many common themes run through the diverse stories of anxiety that I help people explore.  A big one is that folks feel isolated, alienated, and alone in their relationships with anxiety...which makes their anxiety even worse!

This post - my very first blog post under Heart & Oak Therapy - is an intentional challenge to anxiety on two important levels:

First, it is a direct challenge to my own anxieties and fears around expressing myself in a public forum.  I have thought about blogging for a long while, but have always felt afraid of putting myself out there.

Second, by acknowledging in this very public way that I have felt anxious expressing myself to the world, I am challenging the idea that you are alone in your feelings of anxiety, worry, and fear.  From here on, my commitment to blogging is an expression of solidarity with all people who experience anxiety.

I am standing with those who wish to take action in any way, but feel stifled by fear.

About This Blogger

So who is this quirky counsellor writing at your from across the internet? When I really think about it, I guess I'm a whole bunch of things. Just like you, there are many parts that make up my identity.

I'll start with the light and fluffy stuff.

I have a deep love for all things cute, sweet, and pretty. This is probably why I'm obsessed with my cats, Roxy and Ernie (not to mention cats in my neighbourhood, and cats on the Internet...don't even get me started on kittens!)

I am a highly visual person, and I like to think of myself as creative.  Awe heck, there I go minimizing my talents - a classic hallmark of anxiety showing up.

Let me try that again: I am a creative person!  In another life I would have been on stage acting or performing in some way. And if I'm totally honest, I am still wishing that an opportunity will somehow fall into my lap to be on Saturday Night Live!

Most psychologists would diagnose me with a reality television addiction. I like to tell myself it's research into the human psyche, human relationships, and a critical exploration of our dominant culture.

Fun, love, and happiness are three primary driving forces in my life. I am currently at a place where I am privileged to see the silver lining in most things, have fun even in serious moments, and feel love and compassion for those I see as acting in hateful or hurtful ways. It hasn't always been that way for me, but this is a testament to the fact that things can get better when we work on them.

My Therapeutic Journey

For the sake of transparency, I want to let you know that for a long period of my life (a good 15 years or so), I struggled to hold onto happiness for any sustained stretch of time. Some would (and did) diagnose me with having depression, anxiety, and an eating disorder.

After working tirelessly on myself for years through a diverse range of therapies and reading a library worth of self-help books, I have finally come to recognize that the problem isn't me, and it never really was.

I do not have any mental illnesses, I am not broken, I am not crazy, I am not a depressed individual, or an anxious individual, or a disordered person - statements that can reduce us to an essence and ignore exceptional qualities that don't fit those labels.

I do not define myself or others in these terms because I no longer believe that most people are sick in the head (mainstream psychology would have us thinking otherwise).

Instead, I believe that the culture and world we live can be a really challenging place for a of a lot of people, and most people are doing the best that they can to respond to the adversity in their lives.

I now believe that instead of having a psychological disorder called depression, I was legitimately sad that I felt like an outsider and felt I didn't belong to a group of loving, caring peers.  My sadness was an expression of profound dissatisfaction.

Instead of having an illness called anxiety, I was legitimately worried about being able to take care of myself and being independent after the security offered to me from my parents.

Instead of having a disorder called bulimia, I found a way to soothe my worries and sadness with food while avoiding gaining weight, and allowing myself to better fit society's ideal standards of female beauty.

Having had these experiences in life, it makes sense that I chose the profession I'm in now, because I get it.

I can relate to a lot of the feelings and challenges that the folks I work with want to talk about. And my hope is to have useful conversations that help people to experience life in ways that feel better, however that may look for them.

How I Became a Therapist

My first dream was to become a politician or international lawyer in hopes of changing the world for the better. (Ok, ok, so my true first dream was to be an academy award winning movie star...) However, in my learnings I came to realize that I might have to sell my soul to be able to get anywhere in my career. Upon realizing this, I started to think about what I really enjoyed doing, and it came to me that I loved talking with people and offering them some sort of help and comfort. I also thought that it might be somewhat in line with my big headed idea that I could somehow change the world.

So off I went to the psychology department and enrolled myself in class after class that studied various mental health and behavioural conditions that people struggle with. Multiple choice exam after exam tested my knowledge on what conditions were genetic and which were environmental (Let me save you some time and money: most studies suggest it's 50/50). I was fascinated by all of the so-called symptoms that people were afflicted with, and secretly diagnosed family members and friends with various conditions. I was confident that I could "fix" myself and the other folks who fell outside of the bell curve.

Soon enough I was ready to embark on my journey to learn the ins and outs of counselling: the tool I would use to fix all of these "sick" people. Little did I know that I would come to realize that all of my "expert" knowledge of mental illness would stand in stark contrast to the new insights and perspectives that I was offered. A short summary of these insights include:

• The parallel qualities shared between colonialism and psychology;
• People at all times act in ways to preserve their safety and dignity in response to acts of oppression against them;
• The ways in which people respond to challenging experiences can sometimes look like symptoms of mental health diagnoses, and make a lot of sense when exploring the context of people's lives;
• The things that other people say and do after we have challenging experiences plays a role in how we might respond to such experiences.

Given where I am at in my life now, I work hard not to define myself as an expert on other people's life experiences. I kindly correct my mother when she refers to me as a psychologist (she means well). I like to think of myself as someone who is striving for social justice, and I hope to provide the most useful, helpful, and dignifying service to the people I work for directly, and for my community overall. For people who need an ally, I work hard to help them feel heard, supported, accepted, and strive for our conversations to hold a fine balance between being serious and light-hearted (or even fun).

I am seriously passionate about people experiencing great happiness, acceptance, love and satisfaction in their relationships with their bodies or to intimate partners. For me, this means being a bit of a detective and learning the ins and outs of these relationships, and working with people to make sense out of how things came to be the way they are. From this point, I believe that space opens up for a change in perspective or behaviour that aligns with people's initial goals before seeking therapy.

How Can I Help You?

How will you know if I am going to be a good fit as a counsellor for you? Well, I can tell you I'm your gal if:

• You're comfortable with a light-hearted approach to therapy;

• You want to feel heard and have your feelings and experiences validated;

• You want to reach new understandings of your problems and experiences;

• You're looking for someone you can be real with, and who will be real with you.

I love hear from new people, and would be thrilled if you think it might be helpful to drop me a line. I love answering questions and having rich conversations, so don't feel shy about getting in touch.

Have something to say? Leave a comment below, or shoot me an email!

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If you'd like to talk more about how I can help you

Meet The Counsellor: Will Bratt

Your relationship with your therapist is essential for doing good counselling work.

Because you’re an individual with your own preferences, experiences, personality, and interests, you’re totally unique when it comes to what kind of therapist will work best for you.  There is no such thing as a one-size-fits-all counsellor, so finding someone who complements you where it counts is key.

I wrote this post to make that process easier for you.  This is one way of helping you get a better sense of who I am as a person, beyond just my counselling approach, so that it’s easier for you to sense how we might fit together.  Most of the information I’ll provide is based on common questions people ask me during free consultations.  If this inspires any more curiosity from you, don’t hesitate to drop me a line or leave a comment below!

Why I’m a Therapist

I’ve been a helper in some capacity for the vast majority of my life.  Growing up, I’m the person my friends came to when they needed someone who would listen without judgment.  I’m the person others would turn to when they didn’t know where else to go.  This role has been an honour for me to play in the lives of those I care about, and it has taught me a lot about how to be a steady source of support.

Helping Through Music

As surprising as it may be, one of the ways I experienced being particularly helpful to others before becoming a counsellor was through my time as a musician.

From the ages of 16 to 26, I was the front man of a small handful of bands based first out of Regina, SK (where I grew up), and then out of Victoria, BC.  The music I’ve been most passionate about throughout the formative years of my life is punk rock, which I love for its social conscience and straightforward messages.  The ethics of inclusiveness and social justice are as important to me now in my work as a therapist (as you can see in our Heart & Oak values) as they were in my time as an active punk rocker.

The band I had the most profound experience playing in toured across Canada and parts of the US, giving me insight into the diverse ways of life of people on this continent.  I sang lyrics that were both personal and critical of problematic social norms, and I was often approached by folks at shows who found those messages helpful to them in some way.  Those affirmations were like fuel in my tank: they inspired me to keep moving forward with passion.  The same is true today: when people find their work with me to make a difference, I feel excited to help more people!

Becoming a Professional Counsellor

In my early 20’s, it came time for a change of scenery.  I had just finished my undergraduate degree in Psychology and was ready for something new.  I packed up my life, landed in Victoria, BC, and started taking steps toward becoming a skilled counsellor.

My next destination was a Master’s degree, which I blazed through in two years.  It was an intense amount of work in that short timeframe, but I came out the other end with skills that were far more advanced than what I started with.

It was also through my graduate studies that I connected with the communities that would inform my theoretical orientation.  Both Narrative Therapy and Response-Based Practice appealed to my passion for social change.  These schools of thought got me excited to help people on the individual level and beyond.  I remain actively engaged in local and international professional communities, where I both learn and teach inspiring new ideas with other counsellors, community workers, and activists.

Passions and Interests

You, like many people, may feel it’s important to know a bit more about a counsellor before you’re ready to trust them with really personal stuff.  In order to get a better sense of who I am, a lot of people find it helpful to ask to ask me about what I’m interested in outside my work as a therapist.

Letting Loose

There’s no time I’m happier in my life than when I’m free to be light hearted and silly.  I’ve always embraced my sense of humour, which has proven to be a source of great joy for me.  Although I am a grounded, level-headed person, I love absurdity and satire, and weirdness in general. 

While I certainly find it to be true that we can connect through hardship and seriousness, I also value humour for the very same reason.  Laughter brings people together, it helps us lower our guards, and allows us to find common ground with people who might otherwise be strangers.  Although it’s often not appropriate for me to crack jokes left and right when facilitating a counselling session, this part of my identity helps me to be more laid back and approachable to people seeking therapy in Victoria BC.

Fur Babies

Pets are an essential part of the lives of many, and I’m no exception to that!  The two cats I share with Laura Brown bring more joy and entertainment into my life than I ever thought possible.  Indulge me a moment while I tell you about them:

Roxy is a 10-year-old tabby/Maine Coon cross, who is super gentle and laid back.  She’s a bit of a treat fiend, and will follow us around the house looking at us expectantly any time we go into the kitchen.  She mostly likes her space, and can be kind of shy when company’s around, so it’s a real honour if she climbs up onto your lap for some attention.

Ernie is a year and a half old kitty with a very interesting personality.  He can be the cuddliest, chilled out little guy, and he can be an utter menace.  If he’s not passed out some place soft, he’s running laps around the house, just itching to hunt and catch something.  We try to support him in following his instincts, but have come home to some disturbing scenes that I’ll spare you the details of.

In short, having pets has made my life lighter, richer, and so much more interesting.  I have first-hand experience of the comfort and value a pet can bring if you ever come home after a difficult day.

Family, Friends, and Community

People who get to know me learn quickly that I value relationships in a big way.

This is something that not only brings meaning to my life, but also helps me to be a dedicated therapist.  Because I care deeply about people and my relationships with them, I go the extra mile to be as helpful as I can be – both personally and professionally.

I think of relationships like the springs on a trampoline: the more you have, the easier it is to bounce back when life gets heavy.

In my personal life, I care deeply about giving generously to those I’m close to.  I’ve been lucky enough to be surrounded by others who do the same, which creates a sustainable balance of reciprocity and support.  This nourishes me in so many ways (many of which I’m sure are beyond my awareness): it contributes to my sense of acceptance and belonging, and helps me feel useful in the world I live in.

I find that the many relationships and roles in my life balance each other out beautifully.  While my counselling work offers me space to engage with others in clearly defined ways on more serious issues, my connections with friends and family allow me to be more light-hearted and jovial.  This is a key ingredient in the sustainability of my work.

One other thing I’ll mention is that contrary to common assumptions, I find it really uplifting to have the kinds of conversations I’m lucky enough to have with people seeking therapy.  Many people have asked me how I’m able to do this work (which can be really heavy).  The truth is, the rich opportunities that I’m given to be helpful fill my heart with gratitude, joy, and an appreciation for life.  I’ve written about the myth that we inherently burden others when we ask for help (read more about that here), as I experience it quite differently: It’s an uplifting honour to be in service to others, and to know that other have my back when I need it.

Finding Connections Where It Counts

I hope this post was useful in helping you get a better sense of how we might fit together.  By knowing more about where I come from, I hope you can feel more confident with taking your next step forward, no matter what you think that should be.

If this post inspired any curiosity, feel free to drop me a line or leave a comment.  Of course, if you’d like to meet for a free 30-minute consultation, click the button below and I’ll be happy to take that step with you.