3 Crucial Factors For Creating (and Sustaining) Change In Your Life
The process of creating meaningful life changes is rarely easy. We can find ourselves feeling stuck, and learn some hard lessons along the way. In this post, Laura Brown offers deeply personal insights on 3 crucial factors for creating change, which she learned the hard way through her own self-development work.
What I Learned the Hard Way (so you don't have to)
Going through puberty was utter hell for me. 😳
As the first girl in my grade to catch her menses, I was the princess of PMS purgatory. I was alone on an island for those first few months, attempting to survive the uninvited change my body was putting me through. “Becoming a young woman”, as some say, quickly inspired me to loathe everything about myself, especially my body.
From those adolescent days until well into young adulthood, the struggle with hating my body waxed and waned. There were periods where I felt totally disgusted with my body – standing in front of the mirror in short shorts I only dreamed I could wear in public, hurling horrible obscenities at my innocent thighs that had the audacity to rub together when I walked.
The hatred became the driving force for countless failed attempts to starve myself. I believed I could punish my body into skinny, hot submission. I promised my thunder thighs I would love them once they finally got in line and became half their size.
You would think that after 20 years of trying in vain to change my body, that I might give up – or at least get some serious help for my secret obsession. So, how did I manage to change things so drastically after so many years of struggle? The full story is far too long to share in one blog post, but I can outline some important factors that seriously helped me continue with my desire to change, in a kinder, more compassionate way.
The Role of Motivation, Trust, and Patience on the Road Toward Change
A few pieces of this big, complicated puzzle, consisted of some pretty basic goal attainment fundamentals: motivation, trust, and patience. While straightforward in theory, it was far messier and challenging than the basic instructions you can read in any self-help book.
Finding Motivation Through Our Struggles
For me, being motivated first required me to clearly identify exactly what I was striving to do. What was I motivated by? Was it the same hate, disgust, and shame I had experienced throughout my dramatic and exhausting adolescence? How did I want it to be different this time?
I knew what I didn’t want: to hate or mistreat my body. To stuff myself with food when life was hard. To be overweight and unhealthy while longing to feel different.
I also knew what I did want: to love and accept my body. To be a healthy weight that had my body feeling energized and full of life. To nourish my body with foods that it loved and appreciated, and tasted good! To be able to wear those short shorts, even if my thighs rubbed together.
Imagining the outcome I wanted was a big help in feeling motivated to do things differently. But the motivation was inconsistent, especially when I slipped up, stuffing myself to the point of button-popping bloat. There was fear there, a belief that if I hadn’t worn those short shorts with pride yet, it was a mere pipe dream.
It was in realizing the inconsistent nature of my motivation that I began to treat it differently. I decided that I wasn’t going to rely on myself to feel naturally inspired, but that I was going to have to do some real work to create a foundation for my motivation to stand on.
So, what did I do? I considered all that I wanted with regards to my body and food, and logically assessed all that I would need to do (within my control) to fulfill these goals. I then measured the level of motivation that I currently felt to make these changes in practice. And let’s be honest, who naturally feels motivated to put the sugary delight of ice cream down in the heat of an emotional breakdown?
When I recognized what areas I lacked motivation in, I gathered outside sources to inspire my motivation to grow. I found inspirational stories told by people who had struggled in similar ways, only to overcome and live differently.
I also made a commitment to look at my own life for my stories of success. Even if it was in a seemingly meaningless decision to close the fridge door when I wasn’t actually hungry.
Motivation can be there for you when you need inspiration to pursue your goals. When your energy is drained and you want to give up, it can help you keep going. It can act as your own private cheerleader, encouraging you, believing in your ability to persevere and succeed.
Connecting more deeply with your own motivation
Because it's always helpful to have reflective questions to guide your self-development work, here are some questions you can use to connect more deeply with your own motivation:
What are you motivated to do day in and day out? And why?
Why do you want to achieve this desire of yours? What’s in it for you? How will life be different? How will you feel?
What is it like for you to feel motivated? What makes it a preferred state of being?
Who serves as inspiration for you and your desires? Who has achieved what you’re setting out to do? How do you relate to them? How are you similar?
If you’re struggling to feel motivated, what might be getting in the way? Do your beliefs align with a feeling of motivation? Do you have any evidence that what you want to do is possible?
Simply put, the answers to these questions can lay a strong foundation for your internal motivation. The more detailed you can be, the better.
Developing Trust
To be perfectly honest, harnessing motivation after giving it a little bit of attention, wasn’t that challenging for me. Trust, on the other hand, was a whole other ball game.
Given that I had dedicated a good 20 years to this desire, without any real long-term change, I didn’t have any reason to trust that my present efforts would be fruitful.
I had developed the belief that if I didn’t drop five pounds of excess fat over night after one day of eating well and a bit of exercise, I was doomed. It was proof that my body was somehow incapable of being healthy and fit. The food I would stuff down my gullet in response to this realization was further evidence that I could not be trusted.
I truly did not trust that things could be any different. That is, until I actually recognized my lack of trust. Again, it was helpful (and necessary) spending deliberate time first recognizing where I was at with trust, and then what was getting in the way of me experiencing more of it.
I had to work through a whole hell of a lot of past experiences that I had previously judged as "proof" of my everlasting failure with this mission. I worked to make sense out of my present lack of trust, and what was required to experience any semblance of something more positive and conducive to change.
I asked myself what I needed to believe about this goal and my capacity to achieve it. I explored other achievements I had conquered in the past, and how these could lay a foundation of trust in my abilities.
I then considered the logical reasons for trusting in this goal as being achievable. I focused on how other people had achieved it, and acknowledged that it is physically possible for my body to be healthy. Google Images became my best friend, as I could easily pull up example after example of people becoming fit and achieving their health and body goals.
I kept this information close at hand, and reflected on it regularly to build more trust.
I also started taking action and looking for how this experience could further the foundation of trust. I assessed how my body felt to make the lifestyle changes, even if my body didn’t look any different after the first day.
I took it a step further and worked on cultivating bigger beliefs about my capacity to achieve my desires based on all I had already done in my life. Even the seemingly menial tasks were pieces of evidence that I could trust in myself.
This is the practice of trust. It is something you do, something that you can engage in.
What evidence do you have that you can trust in the possibility of achieving your desires?
What I’m trying to say is that trust is another crucial factor on the road to achieving desires.
Trust ties in to your beliefs about yourself and your place in the world. Trust can be there when the results aren’t showing up as quickly as you would like. It can ease your worry and frustration, and help you in continuing in the face of obstacles. It can support you in taking calculated risks, and addressing fears. It is the antithesis of doubt.
Questions to help you feel more connected to trust
What have you been able to achieve in the past that required your trust?
How do you presently rely on trust (and likely take it for granted)?
Why are you able to trust in the things you do?
How is A likely to lead to B? How do you know?
Did you experience trust the first time you tried? What helped in building trust?
The Real Kicker: Patience
UGH. I hate being patient.
Just writing about patience brings up memories of my dad pleading with me to be patient and temper my relentless quest to get what I want NOW.
Upon reflection, I realize that patience has been an even bigger struggle for me than the issues with my body.
The world we live in, with the unprecedented accessibility to instant gratification, has not helped matters. With the ease of Google search, I have become the queen of reading spoilers and binge watching Netflix into the wee hours of the morning. I want it all, and I want it NOW!
When I mixed impatience with my desire for my relationship to my body and food to be different, things just got harder. You see, no matter what evidence there was that I was making progress toward attaining my goals, it was never good enough. It didn’t happen fast enough, or the evidence wasn’t big enough to make space for more than a sliver of patience. And so I was left frustrated with myself and the world, figuring that something must be seriously wrong with my metabolism if I didn’t drop 5 lbs of excess fat over night.
Again, the change boiled down to a whole lot of awareness. There was no chance I could change this pattern until I actually realized that I had a serious issue with patience.
I reflected on what got in the way for me in being able to withstand a bit of time and effort before seeing results. I considered what helped me feel more patient in different scenarios. I realized that patience wasn’t born in me, but it could be practiced and developed.
Perhaps you can relate? If you're human, you can probably identify with the feeling or fear that if something isn't happening right now, that it won't happen ever. It's in these moments that patience can be your ally.
Some Patience-Building Questions
How do you feel emotionally and in your body when you're waiting for efforts to pay off?
If you feel uneasy, anxious, or afraid, why do you suppose that is? Where do you think your discomfort comes from?
How have you eased that discomfort successfully in the past?
When has calling on patience been helpful to you in the past? What achievements has it supported you in bringing to life? How did you access it then?
How would you support a younger person in being more patient? What tips and guidance would you give them?
Tying Motivation, Trust, and Patience Together
Throughout my journey of cultivating the virtue of patience, I learned that motivation and trust are enormously helpful. As pillars of support, motivation was there to inspire me to take action in the first place, and trust helped me believe that the action would eventually pay off. With a clear focus on how I wanted these three factors to support me on my quest to creating and sustaining change, it has been a much different experience for me than it was before I clued in to their importance.
Using the questions above, you can feel more connected to your very own motivation, your trust in your abilities, and your patience to wait for the seeds you sew to sprout.
When have you found motivation, trust, and patience to be assets along your journey?
Is there one that has served you especially well, or that has been particularly difficult to connect with?
What I Wish I Knew About Handling Fears, Doubts, and Worries
Fear is naturally something to be avoided. That’s how it works! It tells you, “that thing might not be safe”, and you, as the smart person you are, do what you can to keep bad things from happening.
You’ve also probably experienced how it can be counter-productive to listen to your fears all the time. While they largely have your best interests in mind, they can also show up when you have an opportunity to challenge yourself and grow.
In this post, Laura Brown offers her hard earned knowledge on how to keep fears, doubts, and worries from stopping you along the path toward bringing your desires to life.
“It’s too hard!”
“I’m scared I can’t do it!”
“I don’t have what it takes, so why bother trying?”
These are familiar thoughts that I have had throughout my life, whenever I have dreamed of taking on a big change or aspiration.
Sometimes they show up as quiet, pesky thoughts that I can easily swat away with my sparkly magic wand of positivity. Other times they’re really REALLY loud, ominous, and devastatingly convincing. When that’s been the case, I’ve had to summon all my courage to keep from getting stuck in a rut.
Perhaps you can relate. These kinds of thoughts stem from our bigger, deeper feelings of fear, doubt, and worry. They are skilled at creating a state of confusion and distracting us from how we want to be feeling: confident, bold, and focused on bringing our desires to life.
In this post I offer my hard earned knowledge on how to keep fears, doubts, and worries from stopping you along the path toward bringing your desires to life.
Sitting With the Discomfort of your Fears
Let’s be real: we want things in life to come easy to us, and we don’t want to experience the discomfort that our fears, doubts, and worries bring. This is both perfectly natural, and often times counter-productive.
Fear is naturally something to be avoided. That’s how it works! It tells you, “that thing might not be safe”, and you, as the smart person you are, do what you can to keep bad things from happening.
You’ve also probably experienced how it can be counter-productive to listen to your fears all the time. While they largely have your best interests in mind, they can also show up when you have an opportunity to challenge yourself and grow. They deter you from taking risks that could actually bring you closer to bringing your desires to life. If your fears, doubts, and worries were to have things their way all the time, your life would be stagnant, in a constant state of maintaining the status quo.
When it comes to actually sitting with the discomfort of your fears, doubts, and worries, a common and understandable response is to find distraction and avoid actions that align with taking risks. There have been a number of years where this was a primary focus of mine. I’ve always been a big dreamer, but it’s taken me a lot of personal work to actually put one foot in front of the other and take concrete steps toward my aspirations.
My ways of avoiding action were sneaky. I mean, sure, I would do things that you too might notice yourself doing, like binging on TV shows and scrolling endlessly on my phone, but I would also do what looked like meaningful work, minus the follow through.
I would devote hours and hours of time to planning, looking meticulously at the how and what that would lead to the results I was seeking. But when those results didn’t appear after a week of work, I would hear those discouraging and destabilizing whispers of my fears, doubts, and worries, and ultimately get off track. I repeated this process again, and again, and again.
In retrospect, I believe a big part of the problem for me was that I didn’t pay attention and engage much with these feelings. I had deemed them enemy #1 to be fought off or to surrender to (depending on my energy level that day). I hadn’t taken the time to ask what those fears and doubts really had to say about what I was doing. What were they based on, and why were they showing up when they were?
Although I’m not a big proponent of psychological diagnosis, reflecting on this tedious process reminds me of Einstein’s saying, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results”.
Through the personal work I’ve done on these issues, I’ve learned that acknowledging your fears calls them out and allows you to assess their validity. It can also help you in determining whether or not these fears and doubts are useful to listen to, or if they're worth disrupting.
Disrupting Your Fears, Doubts, and Worries
Challenging your fears, doubts, and worries might feel like the last thing you want to do, preferring instead to distract yourself and pretend they’re not there. But they’re showing up for a reason, and facing them can be empowering.
Here are some questions that can help you along that path:
Where do you think those fears and worries came from? What experiences do they remind you of
Who else that you know of has similar fears, doubts, or worries? What experiences do you share with them?
If your fears were to help you avoid experiencing something negative, what might that be? Why does it feel important to avoid having that kind of experience?
When those fears are present, how do you respond? What do you feel most inclined to do/avoid doing in those moments?
Are there actions you’ve considered taking but felt too afraid? If so, what were they and how did you decide against taking them?
By reflecting on questions like these, you can get a clearer sense of where your fears, doubts, and worries are coming from. This can help you take a more compassionate stance with yourself, while also considering how you want to engage with those concerns. Who knows, perhaps there’s something worthwhile in their message, but you can’t know until you really understand where that message is coming from, and how it makes sense as a response to your lived experience.
Calling Out the “Buts”
Sometimes it can be hard to pinpoint a worry or fear. This is when it can be useful to pay attention to the language you use. What words come to mind when you think about taking action and you feel constrained by fears?
One word that aligns very closely with the language of worry or fear is “but”. Many of us use that word often and take it for granted, but how and when we use it is a very good indicator of aversions we have. These might sound like,
“I would like to be healthier BUT…”
“I would like to be in a loving partnership BUT…"
“I want more friends BUT…”
The statements that follow the “buts” can take on many different forms, such as,
“…I don’t have the ability or capacity to make it happen”
“…there are forces outside of my control that will get in the way.”
“…there is something wrong with me that makes this impossible.”
What follows the “buts…” for you? What fears, worries, or concerns are they based on?
Is your desire for change greater than the level of fear you experience? Are there ways to gently challenge the fear in safe and manageable ways?
Putting “Buts” in Context
Up until recently I believed that there was something fundamentally wrong with me that would prevent me from having a body that looked the way I wanted it to. I longed to be fit and healthy, to let go of extra body fat, and to feel fantastic in my body. But I doubted that this could be possible. Maybe my metabolism was broken, or perhaps I didn’t have the ability to be consistent enough. Those were a couple of “buts” that got in my way.
When I got down to doing this work myself, I recognized that my “buts” were supported by faulty evidence based on the prior attempts I had made to create change in my body (all of which had fallen short). When I finally addressed the ideas, I took a close, honest look at my past efforts by asking questions like, “What had I done”, “How long did I try, and what were the results?”, and “What got in the way of me continuing to try?”
It soon became clear to me that the approach I was taking did not support me in being able to maintain a consistent effort. I tried too much at once, and restricted my eating so greatly that my body rebelled with cravings that no amount of will power could battle. I learned that I needed a realistic, achievable approach that allowed me to be consistent day in and day out until I reached my goals. I saw that the problem wasn’t some inherent shortcoming within myself or my body, but in the strategies I tried.
I also gathered logical evidence to counter the fear that there is something outside of my control preventing me from having the body I want. I googled the hell out of what could truly prevent this desire from coming to life and learned that it would be highly unlikely. There are factors that can slow down the process, such as my hypothyroidism, but it is still possible for my body to change.
This is when logic can come in handy. When you think about your desire, what do you think needs to happen for it to come into fruition? Break it down in detail:
What knowledge do you need?
What action do you need to take? What are all the small steps you can think of?
Who could help?
What skills might you need?
What might you need to learn or practice?
Working Through Your Worries, Fears, and Doubts
Once you’re able to identify what your worries, fears, and doubts are, and you feel fluent in noticing the “buts” that get in the way, you can start creating a case against them.
Questions like these can help you through that process:
Who do you think believes in you the most? What have they observed about you that supports their perspective of you? What evidence would they give you to support you in believing in your abilities to achieve what’s important to you?
When assessing beliefs, ask yourself how you know that belief to be true? What evidence is there to back up this belief? What choice do you have in holding that belief? When was it more or less true for you? Who else is it true for? Who is it not true for? How do you know?
What are some beliefs that have changed throughout your life? What did you once believe was impossible, that you now believe is possible? How did that change occur?
If you believe that it is impossible to change in the ways you long to, what would have to be different for the change to occur? What could others do to make it easier or harder for you?
What evidence do you have of your personal success in other areas? What challenges have you overcome throughout your life? What universal challenges have you faced, and learned through trial and error to overcome?
Critically assess your beliefs – why do you believe in this? What evidence do you have in its truth? Why do you want to believe this?
Who can you invite to be a cheerleader when doubt and worry come into the picture?
Moving Forward From Fear, Doubt, and Worry
Nearly everyone struggles to take action toward meaningful goals at some point in their lives. Fears, doubts, and worries are generally the common denominators across these difficult times. While they are understandable responses to our lived experiences, sometimes they do their jobs too well, and we end up sacrificing movement for safety. If you take the time and really get to understand where your fears, doubts, and worries come from, you can then respond with more intention, and ultimately take the wind out of their sails.
How do you deal with fears, doubts, and worries in your life?
What helps you take risks to challenge fears, doubts, and worries?
How To Get to the Heart of What You Really Want to Change
If you’re just on the cusp of giving therapy a shot, but aren’t sure exactly what you want help with, fear not. This is actually one way counsellors can be really helpful. A great way to start the process of identifying what you do want to change is by reflecting on what’s not working for you. Read this post for a little help and guidance through that process.
The Role of Professionals In Identifying What Needs to Change
Society has some interesting ideas about professionals. For the most part, we see them as the gatekeepers of knowledge. We seek out professional help when we want answers to things – when it's hard to identify what’s wrong on our own.
A lot of the time, that’s totally appropriate. If you took your car to a mechanic because it was making a concerning noise and they responded, “What do you think is the problem?”, you’d probably roll out of there and take your car someplace else. After all, it’s their job to diagnose problems and do what’s necessary to fix them.
Some people are surprised when they learn that therapy works differently than this. Because you’re a person and not an object like a car (unless of course you are a vehicle who has gained consciousness, in which case we’d love to meet you!), different rules and expectations apply.
Aside from purely physical treatments, like surgery or getting a tattoo, professionals don’t (and can’t) work on you – we work with you! And when it comes to therapy, the issues we help with are far more complex than a worn-out drive belt or a spark plug that’s on its last legs. The problems you bring in to counselling are multifaceted and nuanced, so when it comes to identifying what needs addressing, your perspective is the most important!
How We Support You in Identifying What You Want
If you’re just on the cusp of giving therapy a shot, but aren’t sure exactly what you want help with, fear not. This is actually one way counselling in Victoria BC can be really helpful.
You might be struggling right now and not feeling all that skilled at doing life, but we want to acknowledge something important about you: You know your life better than anyone else possibly could. Even more than us professional counsellors!
So where do we come in? Although we can’t honestly say “we have all the answers and know what’s best for every person on Earth”, we can offer our skill at helping you define your desires more clearly using questions you’ve probably never pondered before.
Using What You Don’t Want To Identify What You Do
A great way to start the process of identifying what you do want to change is by reflecting on what’s not working for you. Read this post on the benefits of knowing what you don't want for a little help and guidance through that process.
Once you’ve clearly defined what you don’t want, you can start to consider the preferred alternative. This is about flipping your complaints on their heads, finding the desire behind your resistance.
For example, if you are fed up with feeling bored and lethargic, the more positive, complementary statement might be “I want to feel more energized and inspired”.
The following are common experiences that many of our clients are looking to change:
Depression, sadness, dissatisfaction Vs happiness, joy, contentedness, feeling more alive
Loneliness and isolation Vs connection with loving, supportive people
Anxiety Vs calmness, peace, confidence
Binging or avoiding food, sluggish body Vs ideal health for your unique body
Unhappy, disconnected partnership Vs satisfying, connected, intimate partnership
Bored, apathetic Vs motivated, engaged
Unsatisfying job Vs fulfilling, satisfying job
Helping You Identify Your Desires
It can be helpful to have exercises that get us thinking about the change we want to create. You can reflect on this process and more easily identify the tangible things that you do want. Below are some guiding questions and points that you can use to navigate this process.
Some common tangible yearnings include:
balanced health (more energy, better digestion, preferred body weight/body fat %, strength, cardiovascular fitness)
loving intimate partnership
improved family relationships
close friendships
meaningful career
reliable, consistent employment
secure income
a sense of safety and security in life
When you consider the various tangible things that you do want, what are the various feelings that you expect to experience in response to those things being realized? Do any of the following feelings resonate with your desires?
excitement
pride
confidence
feeling at ease
happiness, joy, bliss
achievement
boldness, courage
connection to others
Identifying Tangible Needs and Wants
When you consider these feelings, are there more tangible yearnings that correspond with them? For example, what are you passionate about? What brings you great joy and contentedness? When did you last feel courageous and bold? Who do you believe feels proud and confident in what they do? Might you feel that way in similar contexts?
If you’re feeling stumped, it might be helpful to consider your general needs:
What do you need to feel different?
What do you need to feel more happiness, more joy, peace, and general life satisfaction (or the feelings you desire to feel more of)?
What do you see the people that you respect or admire most needing? And how do you know this is what they need?
For example, if you admire your friends who are working in jobs that they are passionate about, what does that satisfy for them? Is it an expression of creativity? Is it a certain amount of money on their pay cheque? Is it the connections they have created in the workplace? Is it a supportive work environment? If you don’t know, what would it be like for you to ask? Perhaps not those exact questions, but inquire about what their day to day work life is like, and what benefits they recognize in it. If you’re concerned about burdening them, just ask yourself how you would feel if someone took the time to ask about your life. Would it feel burdensome, or perhaps more like an opportunity to connect?
Looking Back to Move Forward
Another way to expand on your desires is to reflect on your past, and consider when you experienced more of the feelings you long for (ex. pleasure, joy, and satisfaction).
What was different then?
What were you doing with your time?
Who were you connected to and how would you describe those relationships?
Using Imagination As your ALly
One of your greatest assets is your imagination. You can use this process as an opportunity to truly let your imagination run wild and consider alternative preferred experiences you wish you could have.
Oh, and it’s okay if your imagination feels a bit rusty at first.
What happens when you begin considering your biggest desires being fulfilled?
How do you feel inside? What do you feel inspired or inclined to do?
What do you feel wary or afraid of? How might you address those fears?
When taking the time to imagine your preferred life, give yourself the space to really pay attention to what happens. Notice the buts... – those pesky thoughts that say “Impossible!” to the prospect of your dreams becoming a reality.
These questions can be helpful at getting you more into an imaginative mindset:
What will you do if your desire is fulfilled? What actions will you take that are different?
Where will you be? Will your surroundings stay the same, or how might they be different?
How will you feel emotionally? Is there more excitement? Joy? Bliss?
How will others respond? What might they say in recognizing the changes you have made and/or the desire you have fulfilled? Who will take notice and how will this be celebrated?
In what ways will things be tangibly different?
Are there any potential challenges that might arise in having your dreams realized? What fears, concerns, or worries come up when you consider your desires realized?
What would having your desires do for you? How about for others in your life? For your community?
Turning “Wants” into “Haves”
Having a clear sense of what it is you want to change or create is a necessary step along the path toward a life that's not just better, but beyond better! From here it's easier to determine the route to get to your desired destination.
Stay tuned for our next post in this series on creating change. We'll help you assess where you’re at and your relationship to your desires.
Do you have ways of setting goals and working toward making important changes? What are they?
What do you find to be the hardest part of identifying what it is you want?
The Benefit of Knowing What You Don't Want
You know that you want something in your life to be different, even if the specific thing you want to change isn’t quite clear. As unlikely as it may sound, this is an important and necessary place for you to be, as your feelings are giving you the loud and clear message that you need something better. In this post, Laura Brown illustrates how identifying what you don't want can help you better recognize what you do.
Starting at Square One: Emotions and Your Inner Compass
You know that you want something in your life to be different, even if the specific thing you want to change isn’t quite clear.
You may be experiencing feelings of dissatisfaction, or even an all-consuming sense of despair. It feels like there’s something (or a lot of things) left unsatisfied, and it may be overwhelming to think about.
Maybe you are fed up with prolonged feelings of sadness, exhausted by experiences with anxiety throughout your day, or straight-up done with always feeling angry with yourself, the world, or everyone else.
Being the smart person you are, you’ve probably also found ways to distract from your despair. These tactics help you avoid your feelings of distress for a period of time. The downside is that the distraction doesn’t last forever, and you are faced with a deep longing for something more permanent to change.
As unlikely as it may sound, this is an important and necessary place for you to be, as your feelings are giving you the loud and clear message that you need something better. And if you were unable to feel that, you wouldn’t be able to take the important steps to make that happen.
Looking at Your Actions in Response to Your Despair
Our feelings go hand-in-hand with particular kinds of actions. When you’re happy and excited about life, you’re probably not spending your days hiding under the covers and wishing things were different.
As responsive beings, we don’t just have feelings about the things we experience, we also have feelings about our responses to those things. When we say “I’m tired of feeling this way”, we usually also implicitly mean that we’re tired of behaving in ways that correspond with how we’re feeling.
For example, you may be sick of binge eating, drinking to excess, or using drugs to escape your reality. You could be fed up with procrastinating on the things you think you should be doing. Or perhaps you just don’t have the energy to argue with your partner any longer. Though they may be concerning, these kinds of behaviours offer a stepping off point toward something that feels better.
How Knowing What You Don’t Want Can Help
Whether it’s feelings, behaviours, or a combination of both that you feel ready to address, you know you want to see a real change. And yet, you’re confused with where to start.
You might feel frustrated because you’re focusing your attention on what you don’t want. Maybe someone in your life has told you that that kind of focus can undermine your ability to bring your goals to life, and so you begin to worry that you’re going to be stuck in this place of despair forever.
Contrary to that perspective, exploring and realizing what you don’t want is a worthy endeavour because it shines a light on what you value in your life. Once you have a better sense of that, what you do want can become clearer.
A Personal Example
For example, in my teens and early 20's, I experienced a profound amount of sadness and worry. It felt consuming, and like something was seriously wrong with me. To the outside world, this might have looked like depression and anxiety.
Internally, I longed for things to be different, but I wasn't able to fully know what exactly I was dissatisfied with until I began taking a deeper look at my feelings and what they were telling me about the context of my life.
When I began paying attention to what I was feeling and why, I came to realize that I wasn’t sad for no reason. For instance, I noticed that I didn’t feel so sad when I was spending time with people that I cared for, and that sadness was predominantly present when I was alone. I started to consider whether my sadness was really a response to loneliness and disconnection. I also began to notice that my worries were louder and bigger when I became aware of my loneliness, and that I feared I would become even more isolated.
When I explored this worry further, I realized that it was not only about disconnection – I was also concerned about my purpose in life. I was 24 and scared that I was not on the right path to having a satisfying and meaningful career. I had lofty dreams, but felt clueless and overwhelmed about the steps I needed to take to achieve them. I believed that I was under a time crunch to figure out my whole life.
When I looked at the context of my life, I recognized that I had just ended a long-term relationship, finished my undergraduate degree, and moved back to Victoria from Vancouver. It made sense to me that I would be feeling lonely and concerned about the future because I had moved away from my primary social networks, and was in limbo about my career and purpose in life.
At this point, it had become clear to me what I didn’t want: I didn’t want to feel so lonely or to be disconnected from my community. I also didn’t want to be in limbo about my career and purpose in life.
This information was useful to me because it served as a starting point to gaining clarity on what it was I wanted to change, and what I might want instead.
Helping You Identify What You Don’t Want
Conversations can be incredibly helpful when it comes to making progress on important issues – that’s part of what makes counselling in Victoria BC so effective! But if you don’t have someone to have those conversations with, it can feel really stagnating.
As an alternative to talking things through with another person, reflection questions can also do the trick. I offer these questions to help you on your journey toward clearly identifying what you don’t want:
What happens when you stop to consider all of the things you no longer want in your life?
What emotions come up? And what do you do when you feel this way? (For example, “I feel scared, and when I feel scared I eat when I’m not hungry”)
How do others respond to you when you share your dissatisfaction or despair?
What do they say and how do you interpret their responses?
Is there space to talk about this and be given the support you desire in return?
If the busyness of daily life is interfering with clarity, is there space to take an hour of time to dedicate to experiencing some peace and tranquility?
Some helpful ways to experience peace are to:
get out into nature
listen to a guided visualization/meditation
listen to relaxing music
take a bath with relaxing music
Next Steps Forward
This post offers some practical ways of exploring and identifying what you don’t want as a way of creating important changes. Stay tuned for the next post, as I address ways of identifying what you do want and where can be helpful to go from there.
Do you have your own ways of identifying what you don’t want?
Have you found it helpful to be able to do so? If so, feel free to share about how!