Social Anxiety: How to Get Over Fear of Rejection

Do you ever feel like you're all tied up in knots because you're anxious about being rejected or disliked for who you are? If you struggle with social anxiety, it's probably no surprise that fear of rejection is one of the biggest things people worry about.

Transcript

Do you ever feel like you’re all tied up in knots because you’re anxious about being rejected or disliked for who you are? If you struggle with social anxiety, it’s probably no surprise that fear of rejection is one of the biggest things people worry about. In this video I’ll be touching on why that is and what you can do to feel  more at ease when anxiety comes a-knockin’. Keep watching to learn all about it!

 Hi folks, I’m Will Bratt from Heart & Oak Therapy, supporting better, brighter lives. We’re therapists who do regular videos on mental wellness, and give practical ideas and tips to address your problems and make your life happier – so hit the subscribe button to keep in the loop!

 As you may know from your own lived experience, social anxiety is often a strong emotional response to anticipating rejection, exclusion, judgment, or just not fitting in with others. Now, not everyone who shares these fears experiences them for all the same reasons, but it really is uncanny that so many of us can relate to these feelings in some way!

 No matter the reason behind why you feel anxious about being disliked or rejected, you probably don’t appreciate the way these fears can shrink your life. Social anxiety can make it really hard to venture out into new social contexts, get to know new people, and let new people get to know you. So let’s take a closer look at social anxiety, fear of rejection, and what you can do about it!

 Isn’t it interesting how human beings can find it so unnerving to imagine being disliked or rejected? I mean, it’s not like our lives are necessarily at stake. But still we really struggle to feel comfortable with that possibility. I touch on this in our video “How Most Anxiety is Social Anxiety”, and I explain how this is because belonging goes hand in hand with dignity. I definitely recommend giving that a watch after you’re finished with this one.

 But yeah, even though we don’t have to depend on each other in the modern world the way our ancestors did, belonging is still vital for our sense of wellbeing. So it makes sense why so many of us have a hard time with this particular kind of social anxiety.

 Now, even though it makes a lot of sense to feel anxious about rejection, exclusion, and not fitting in, it can end up being very restrictive for us to take those fears as gospel without challenging them. In other words, just because something is scary, doesn’t mean we should rule it out and avoid it forever. Although the prospect of things going badly can be terribly unnerving, it can also be rewarding and enlivening to challenge our social fears with courage.

 So here are some ways of taking the wind out of social anxiety’s sails:

 1.     Ask yourself “So what?”

 The first way to disrupt social anxiety around the fear of rejection is to ask yourself in a very kind and honest way, “So what?” What if you did experience rejection, judgment, or some other negative social response. What would that mean for you? What would the consequence be for your life? What’s the best way you imagine yourself or someone else dealing with that kind of experience?

I offer questions like these to help you explore for yourself what it is about the possibility of rejection or not fitting in that feels as scary as it does. While there’s a reason for everything, not everything needs to stay the way it is. In this case, I have a hunch that even though it might feel really scary to be rejected or excluded, your fears probably don’t give you enough credit for your ability to deal with challenges like these.

2.    Consider the Cost/Benefit

 That leads us to the second way of keeping social anxiety and fear of rejection from constraining your life: considering the cost and benefit of putting yourself out there in spite of your fears, versus adhering to social anxiety’s cautions.

 What do you imagine would help or hurt your life more? Having your fears come true and experiencing rejection, or staying quiet or withdrawn to keep the rejection from happening? I think it’s important to acknowledge here that every situation is different, and so there’s no universally right answer to this question. I also can’t tell you what’s right or wrong for you, but I can say that for myself, strictly adhering to my fears of judgment, rejection, and exclusion usually costs me more than it benefits me. I’ve developed some wonderful relationships with people who I initially felt scared or intimidated to talk to, in part because I took the risk of approaching them.

3. Building confidence

This connects naturally to the third way of reducing your fear of rejection: building confidence in the possibility of things going well.

In our video “Is Social Anxiety Really About Low Self-Esteem?”, I acknowledge the reality that a lot of people develop fears and expectations around receiving negative responses from others because they’ve actually had a number of those experiences in the past. In cases like this, social anxiety can actually be seen as resistance to receiving rejection or mistreatment in the future. But I also see the dilemma around not wanting to miss out on the opportunity to have an expansive social life.

When we experience really hurtful rejections, it can make it hard to go out on a limb and put ourselves in those situations that we feel anxious about. But trying anyway and experiencing success over time helps us build confidence in the possibility that things could actually go well.

I encourage you to be patient with yourself here. Negative experiences tend to carry a lot more weight than positive ones, and so it could take at least a handful of positive experiences in a row to help build that confidence and diminish some of your fears of rejection or exclusion.

4.     See it as an opportunity

Building confidence flows nicely into the fourth way of getting over your fear of rejection: seeing your fear and anxiety as an opportunity to build strength in yourself.

It’s easy to see anxiety as a barrier, because fear makes it hard to take action toward the things you’re afraid of. And while that may be true, it also presents an opportunity to get better at something you struggle with.

If you notice yourself feeling anxious about a social situation you’re anticipating, you could ask yourself a question like, “How might this be an opportunity to build strength or skills?”. You could also ask yourself, “What skills or abilities might facing this fear help me increase?”

Seeing your fear of rejection as an opportunity could help anxious moments feel less like threats and more like potential chances to grow.

These are 4 strategies that can help you reduce your social anxiety and fear of rejection. Now I’d like to turn it over to you! If you have other ways of dealing with social anxiety around the fear of rejection, let us know in the comment section. You can also let us know if you have other helpful ways of dealing with those fears. The Heart & Oak community is all about sharing what helps, and you never know who your ideas and experiences might benefit!

If this video has been interesting or helpful, go ahead and hit the “thumbs up” button below. For more helpful videos related to therapy and mental wellness, subscribe to our channel and hit the bell notification icon to make sure you stay in the loop.

Take care until next time, and keep doing the things that help you live a better, brighter life!

Social Anxiety: Is it Really about Low Self-Esteem?

If you or someone you care about struggles with social anxiety, you’ve probably heard the idea that it’s caused by having low self-esteem. In this video Will Bratt explains how that perspective misses the mark, and offers some other ways of looking at it that can help you deal with your own social anxiety!

Transcript

If you or someone you care about struggles with social anxiety, you’ve probably heard the idea that it’s caused by having low self-esteem. In this video I explain how that perspective misses the mark, and offer some other ways of looking at it that can help you deal with your own social anxiety. Keep watching to learn more!

Hi folks, I’m Will Bratt from Heart & Oak Therapy, supporting better, brighter lives. We’re therapists who do regular videos on mental wellness, and give practical ideas and tips to address your problems and make your life happier – so hit the subscribe button to keep in the loop!

There’s a really popular idea out there that the reason people feel anxious in social situations is because they have low self-esteem. This perspective assumes that because you fear rejection, exclusion, judgment, and other negative social responses, you must not feel good enough about yourself, because if you did, those things wouldn’t matter to you.

 As a therapist, I talk to a lot of folks about social anxiety, and its relationship to self-esteem almost always comes up. But when we take a close look at that perspective, its faults start to become clear. In this video I share how the idea that social anxiety is caused by low self-esteem doesn’t hold much water, as well as some more context-based observations that better explain social anxiety.

 Let’s start with what social anxiety is, and how most people experience it.

As an emotion, anxiety is often about anticipation. In general, it is the emotional response to anticipated negative experiences. When we throw the word “social” in front of “anxiety”, we’re talking about the anticipation of negative social responses or experiences. I talk more about this in our video “How to Address the Fears Behind Social Anxiety”, which you should check out after this one.

If you’ve ever dealt with social anxiety, you’ve probably experienced it as fears and worries around anticipated judgments, rejection, exclusion, or even as a lack of safety in groups or crowded spaces. Common responses to these fears include avoidance of social circumstances, being quiet and careful with what you say, verbal diarrhea – where you fill the air with words and have a hard time reigning it in, and even feeling physically ill with nausea, vomiting, rapid heart rate, and fast, shallow breathing. 

With all that said, people often assume that if only you had more self-esteem, confidence, or thought more highly of yourself, you wouldn’t have these feelings in the first place. Let me explain why this assumption is generally not all that useful.

1.     It’s an overgeneralization

First, and perhaps foremost, it’s often a hasty overgeneralization that your feelings of anxiety around social situations are caused by having low self-esteem. The mental health field is full of hasty assumptions and generalizations just like this, which fail to take the context of your life and lived experience into account. Assumptions like these jump the gun and provide easy answers that lack real insight into your actual lived experience.

What I mean here is that human lives are complex, and our responses, like fear and anxiety, are typically not black and white issues. They’re nuanced and intricate, and they often come to be for a host of intersecting reasons.

When we make the assumption that someone’s social anxiety must be attributed to their low self-esteem, we fail to take these nuances into account and run the risk of choosing easy answers over potentially more accurate ones.

2.     It assumes social fears are necessarily connected to self-esteem

The second problem with the idea that social anxiety is totally due to low self-esteem is that it is an absolute and therefore potentially ill-fitting assumption. When we think that way, we put all our eggs in that one basket, and close the door on more contextually correct possibilities.

As a therapist, I’ve had way more conversations about self-esteem and social anxiety than I could possibly count. I can say that it is simply untrue that all people who fear receiving negative social responses like rejection, exclusion, or judgment, do so because they don’t like themselves enough. In fact, more often than not, the fact that someone wants to avoid negative interpersonal experiences is more of an indicator that they esteem themselves quite highly.

If that last point has you scratching you head, let me explain. If someone fears judgment, exclusion, or rejection, that tells me they care about how they’re treated. Caring about yourself in this way goes hand in hand with how you value or esteem yourself. So if you read between the lines, the fact that someone is anxious about being on the receiving end of mistreatment is more a sign that they esteem themselves highly than that they don’t value themselves much at all.

If you truly didn’t care about something, you wouldn’t feel anxious about how other people treat that thing. So when someone feels anxious about how they might be treated by others, that can be an indicator that they do indeed care about themselves – and caring about yourself goes hand in hand with self-esteem.

3.     Past Experiences

The third way this notion misses the mark is that it doesn’t account for people’s past experiences.

Everything makes sense in context, and people’s past experiences are a totally relevant part of the context around present circumstances. We can’t divorce ourselves from the past, or live like goldfish with no long-term memory. When things happen, we learn from them, and adjust our expectations and actions accordingly.

For example, we might assume that a 21-year-old who was bullied throughout high school, and who has social anxiety around meeting new people, has those fears because the bullying caused them to have low self-esteem, which causes them to feel socially anxious. But what if, having lived through that bullying, they developed a radar for mistreatment, which their social anxiety is a testament to? So instead of the anxiety being caused by not liking themselves, it could actually be attributed to learning that sometimes people treat others in really unkind ways, and their anxiety is part of their resistance to that happening further.

These are three ways in which social anxiety can be about so much more than low self-esteem. Now we’d like you to chime in with your thoughts and perspectives! Your ideas could be really helpful to the Heart & Oak community! Aside from it being all about low self-esteem, what are other ways you make sense of your own social anxiety? Are there some points from this video that ring true for you, or maybe some that we didn’t touch on at all? Leave your response in the comment section!

If this video has been interesting or helpful, go ahead and hit the “thumbs up” button below. For more helpful videos related to therapy and mental wellness, subscribe to our channel and hit the bell notification icon to make sure you stay in the loop.

Take care until next time, and keep doing the things that help you live a better, brighter life.

Social Anxiety: How to Address Your Fears

Social anxiety can feel like living inside a shrinking room, where the walls get closer and the space inside gets tighter. In this video, Will Bratt shares insights into what social anxiety is, why it's so common, and tangible actions you can take to address some common fears behind your own social anxiety.

Transcript

Social anxiety can feel like living inside a shrinking room, where the walls get closer and the space inside gets tighter. In this video, I share insights into what social anxiety is, why it’s so common, and tangible actions you can take to address some common fears behind your own social anxiety.

Hi folks, I’m Will Bratt from Heart & Oak Therapy, supporting better, brighter lives.

We’re therapists who do regular videos on mental wellness, and give practical ideas and tips to address your problems and make your life happier – so hit the subscribe button to keep in the loop! 

Social anxiety is kind of a catch-all term that several different kinds of worry, fear, and anxiety relate to. Generally speaking, social anxiety is about anticipating negative social interactions with others. For some it revolves around groups of new people, while for others it’s large crowds. It can also relate to some one-on-one relationships, or to situations where you have a responsibility to others, like at a job.

In this video, I’ll be covering 4 of the most common fears and worries that people relate to social anxiety, along with concrete things you can do to address those fears at their root. The 4 types of social anxiety that I’ll be touching on are:

1.     Not fitting in within small groups

2.     Being judged for a feature of your identity or an aspect of your experience

3.     Being seen or positioned as deficient, inadequate, or incompetent

4.     Feeling unsafe in groups or crowds of people

First, let’s talk about the nuts and bolts of social anxiety.

People respond to the situations they associate with social anxiety in many different ways. The most recognizable response associated with anxiety in general is to avoid the situations that we feel anxious in. Anyone who has ever felt anxious can likely attest to the fact that this makes total sense, as avoidance helps us mitigate undesirable experiences.

Other ways of resisting the negative outcomes people associate with social anxiety can include staying quiet or censoring ourselves in groups, chattering nervously and filling the space with words, or carefully curating what we say in order to illicit positive responses from other people. These ultimately all serve the important purpose of avoiding negative responses or encouraging positive ones.

The downside, of course, is that we don’t feel free to be ourselves in these situations. If you experience a lot of social anxiety, you probably feel like your life is made smaller by your fears, and you may long to feel freer and at ease in these social situations.

So let’s get in to 4 of the most common types of social anxiety and what you can do to address them.

1.      Not Fitting In

Just about everyone can relate to the fear that they might stick out like a sore thumb in social groups. This makes sense, because, as I laid out in our video “How Most Anxiety is Social Anxiety”, belonging matters for our sense of dignity – and that’s important! I also go into more detail about this in a post on the Heart & Oak blog, which you can find a link to in the description below.

When it comes to social anxiety around not fitting in, there is most often one of two outcomes that people are most fearful of: being rejected and being excluded.

Rejection is rarely, if ever, kind. It often comes with humiliation and alienation, which can make the experience all the more difficult, or even traumatic.

Exclusion, on the other hand, can leave us feeling unwanted or discarded, with an implicit message that we aren’t good enough to be included. So it makes sense to strive to keep these things from happening!

When it comes to actually taking the wind out of anxiety’s sails around our fears of exclusion or rejection, there are a few tangible actions that can help:

One is to go out on a limb and actually acknowledge that you feel anxious in those particular moments. Being the clever person you are, you probably already have a good read on people and circumstances that are safe to do that in. If you’re meeting a new group for the first time and they seem like kind, accepting people, simply acknowledging that you feel anxious when you meet new people can take the pressure to act like you feel at ease or “normal” off your shoulders. Otherwise, that pressure can just amplify the anxiety that you already feel in those social interactions.

Some other more private or subtle strategies in these situations include:

• Focusing on breathing slowly and intentionally if it feels like your breath is shallow and quick. Also, softening your abdomen and opening your shoulders while you breathe into your tummy can support more of a sense of being in control of your heart rate, breathing, perspiration, and other related aspects of your physical body.

• You can also talk yourself through the fear of being excluded or rejected

  • If your fears come true, how can you deal with it?

  • What power or capacity do you have to handle negative social responses from others?

  • How have you dealt with them in the past?

  • Who do you know who deals with negative responses well, and how do you imagine they do it 

Exclusion and rejection can hurt, but there will always be people out there who care about and admire you for the person you are.

2.     Fear of judgment

Now on to the second common fear related to social anxiety: fears of being judged

Anxiety around the fear of judgment is similar to the fear of not fitting in, but different in some distinct ways. While they both relate to not belonging, the fear behind this kind of social anxiety is more about receiving a negative social response about a particular aspect of your identity or experience. This can look like fears of judgment for how you look, your sexuality or gender identity, your socioeconomic status, how you speak, your job or level of education, or stigmatized experiences you’ve had, such as surviving abuse.

I know it goes without saying, but judgment sucks. It reduces us to a diminished essence far below who we actually are, and if it’s for something about ourselves that we really can’t help, it can really hurt. The hurt we experience for being judged is also very contextual. It probably doesn’t hurt to the same degree if it’s cast by a total stranger, versus a close friend, versus someone we don’t really know but admire, versus a family member. My point is, it’s about who we anticipate doing the judging and how sensitive we are about being judged for that particular thing.

If you have anxieties about judgment, questions like these could be useful in helping address them:

• What are the things you’re most wary of being judged for?

• What is it about those particular things that makes them especially sensitive areas?

• What do the people who care most about you appreciate most about who you are?

  • Do they know about the areas you’re sensitive about? If they do, why do you suppose they’re still in the picture?

  • How do you imagine they’d respond if they knew you were judged for what you’re sensitive about?

• What do you imagine someone else’s judgment toward you would say about them?

  • Would their judgment speak more to fundamental problems with you, or to issues they have?

• If you were to be judged for something you’re sensitive about, who would you go to for support? How would that help your sense of value or dignity?

Reflecting on questions like these can be helpful because they can take some of the power away from things we’re afraid to be judged for. That may not change the reality that being judged can really hurt, but it helps us remember that we have what it takes to deal with it.

3.     Being seen or positioned as deficient, inadequate, or incompetent

The third common fear behind social anxiety relates to being deemed inadequate, deficient, or incompetent. This is similar to the anxiety around judgment described, but it has more to do with measuring up and being seen as “good enough”.

Being “good enough” is more or less synonymous with “acceptable”, and acceptance and belonging go hand-in-hand. Do you notice a pattern here? This just reaffirms the point that social anxiety has so much to do with belonging, and belonging has so much to do with dignity!

If you struggle to feel like you measure up in the company of others, here are some questions that could help you navigate those issues:

• If not “measuring up” feels like a scary or uncomfortable position to be in, what do you imagine to be the consequence?

  • What would it mean to you if that consequence was to come true?

• In your mind, where do the standards for “measuring up” come from?

• Is there anyone around whom it really doesn’t matter if they think you’re good enough or not?

  • Who does it feel it matters most around?

• Who accepts you for the person you are, regardless of how good you are at certain things?

• If there was a critic you knew you absolutely could not appeal to, how would you accept their negative view of you?

Just like being judged, being seen as inadequate or “not measuring up” is a total affront to your dignity, but you can’t win ‘em all. Finding ways to accept this and appreciate who you are for all the ways you DO shine may be a more useful way to look at yourself.

4.     Social anxiety in crowded spaces

The fourth and final common fear behind social anxiety that I’ll be touching on in this video has to do with being in crowded spaces.

There are plenty of reasons you might feel a sense of anxiety or panic in crowded areas. Often, this relates back to adverse or traumatic experiences people have had, which undermine their sense of safety in the community. That aside, you can probably relate to having an increased sense of tension in busy, crowded spaces, which is contrasted by feeling more relaxed and at ease in less densely-packed areas. No matter how you cut it, we tend to respond to busy spaces with more arousal.

Social anxiety in the context of big crowds is actually quite unique from the previous three kinds of fears. What differentiates it from the others is the focus on physical safety above belonging and dignity. When people feel anxious at the prospect of being in a large crowd of people, they tend to be less concerned with being judged or excluded, and more worried that something untoward them might happen.

If someone has experienced violence, or is fearful of encountering a person or situation that would be scary or uncomfortable for them, the solution isn’t as simple as saying “Just don’t worry about it! I’m sure you’ll be fine!”. If you think about it, it can be a lot harder to watch your back when there are a ton of other bodies milling around you. Sometimes there’s good sense behind our sensitivities and aversions!

If you struggle with anxiety around crowds or big groups of people, these questions could help you explore that in a constructive way:

• What makes crowded spaces different than those with fewer people when it comes to your anxiety level?

• What are you most wary of having happen when you’re in a crowded place?

• What precautions do you take to create safety when you’re entering crowded spaces?

• If you could imagine something happening that would take all your worries about this away, what would that be?

• How have you created safety in the past when you’ve felt fearful or unsafe going into crowded spaces?

  • When you reflect on that, what does that tell you about your capacity to handle hard situations?

When it comes to taking care of social anxiety around crowded spaces, the emphasis is generally more on bolstering your sense of safety so that you trust you’ll be taken care of in the ways you need to be. 

Being aware of your anxieties, fears, and worries can help you navigate them with intention. When you have a more robust understanding of the fears behind your social anxiety, it’s easier to negotiate with them and live in more preferred and expansive ways.

So, what kinds of social situations do you find you feel most anxious in, and why? Do you have strategies for navigating your own feelings of anxiety in social situations? If you have some thoughts or strategies to share, or any questions about the things I talked about in this video that the Heart & Oak community could help with, let us know in the comments below.

If this video has been interesting or helpful, go ahead and hit the “thumbs up” button below. For more helpful videos related to therapy and mental wellness, subscribe to our channel and hit the bell notification icon to make sure you stay in the loop.

Take care until next time, and keep doing the things that help you live a better, brighter life.

How Most Anxiety is Social Anxiety

There is one thing that almost everyone who feels anxiety can relate to. In this video, Will Bratt explains how and why most anxiety is social in nature, and why that matters when it comes to feeling more at ease in anxious moments.

Transcript

There is one common theme that almost everyone who feels anxiety can relate to. In this video I explain how and why most anxiety is social in nature, and why that matters when it comes to feeling more at ease in anxious moments. If you deal with anxiety, this video is for you. Keep watching!

Hi folks, I’m Will Bratt from Heart & Oak Therapy, supporting better, brighter lives. We’re Victoria BC therapists who do regular videos on mental wellness, and give practical ideas and tips to make your life happier and more fulfilling – so hit the subscribe button to keep in the loop!

 As a therapist, I have more conversations about anxiety than any other problem people experience. Because I’ve had so many of these conversations, I can’t help but ask, “What’s similar from person to person?”, “How are these experiences the same – even though they have their own unique differences?”

 I had an “Aha!” moment one day when I realized that so many people’s experiences of anxiety often tie back to relationships and social connections.

 Through helping people address their diverse experiences of anxiety, I’ve seen how realizing the specific social concerns at the heart of your anxiety can help you feel more empowered to take action in ways that make a big difference.

 So let’s dive in to how that works.

Anxiety is typically described as the emotional response to anticipated negative events or experiences. It draws our attention to what could happen, in the interest of avoiding negative outcomes. In this way, even if we don’t think it’s helpful, anxiety is primarily concerned with our safety.

 Now, we usually think of safety in terms of our physical wellbeing, but as relational creatures, our social wellbeing is also a valid need to consider. While we may not need the acceptance of others in order to survive physically, things like dignity, esteem, value, and worth, carry a lot of weight in the social world. If you’re skeptical, just ask anyone who has thought about ending their life after struggling against bullying, abuse, or social exclusion and rejection. Belonging matters and isolation can kill.

The importance of belonging is clear when we look at social anxiety. Most people who identify as having social anxiety describe it as fears and worries around rejection, exclusion, and humiliation – the other side of the coin from belonging and acceptance. But how does this common social denominator relate to other forms of anxiety? It’s really all about context and taking a deeper look at why we feel anxious about the things we do. 

It can be useful to start with a question like “What particular fears or concerns does your anxiety relate to the most?” The more specific you can be, the easier it is to really understand what it’s about. I’ve also linked a to a post from the Heart & Oak blog that goes into more detail, and includes other questions that can help you clarify the target of your anxiety with even more depth and accuracy.

Let me share a few examples to illustrate what I mean:

I had a recent session with someone who was feeling anxious and unsafe in a big new city. On the surface, it might have looked like he was experiencing agoraphobia, fearing that others might do him harm. But when we really got to the heart of his anxiety, he was ultimately afraid that some outside force would do him or his partner harm, and disrupt or undermine their relationship, which he cherished deeply.

I had another client who described feeling anxious about his health, worrying that he might get really sick with something like cancer. It would have been short sighted for me to assume that his anxiety was all about his health and mortality, as the more we talked about it, the clearer it became that he was ultimately afraid of losing the chance to get to know his family on a deeper level, and cultivate more fulfilling relationships with them.

Just to share one more example, I worked with a young woman who was terribly anxious about a lot of things, including driving, her health, and unexpected catastrophes. As we put her anxiety in context, she made it nice and clear that she had been through a lot of loss in her short life, and she was understandably afraid of losing her closest, most supportive and stable relation, which was her partner.

All three of these examples illustrate how anxieties that could have easily been misunderstood as very individual concerns were really and truly relational.

So what does all this mean? How can it be helpful and empowering being able to find the relational concerns at the heart of your anxiety? It’s all about making the context around your anxiety more tangible, and therefore easier to work with in effective ways. 

In all three of the examples I mentioned before, those people were able to directly address their relational concerns and issues behind their anxieties, and eventually feel way more at ease. Their anxieties went from being bad enough to require professional help, to way, way more manageable.

There are reasons behind everything, and anxiety is no exception to that. Recognizing the concerns that inform your own anxiety can give you something tangible to work with, which can ultimately help you feel more empowered and capable of managing your anxiety at its root.

Because anxiety is such a common human experience, it would be so helpful if you could leave a comment below about how you’ve addressed concerns that underlie your experiences of anxiety. Have you found success in reducing your anxiety by addressing troubling relationship situations? Whether you have, or if you have any questions about the social side of anxiety that the Heart & Oak community could help with, let us know in the comments below.

If this video has been interesting or helpful, go ahead and hit the “thumbs up” button below. For more helpful videos related to therapy and mental wellness, subscribe to our channel and hit the bell notification icon to make sure you stay in the loop.

Take care until next time, and keep doing the things that help you live a better, brighter life!

4 Ways to Address the Fears Behind Social Anxiety

How Common is Social Anxiety?

74% of people fear public speaking more than death.

Let that sink in for a minute.

The fact that just shy of ¾ of the population fears public speaking above anything else is very telling of our collective sense of what it means to be in the spotlight. It speaks to the reality that social interaction (and especially being the centre of attention) is a risky proposition. It is the awareness of that risk that lies at the heart of social anxiety.

Regardless of whether you see social anxiety as a clinical problem or a common challenge of simply living in this world, this post provides insights into what social anxiety is and tangible actions you can take to address some common fears behind it.

What is Social Anxiety?

What are we really talking about when we say “social anxiety”? Generally speaking, it’s a term that describes fears around having negative social interactions with others. For some, social anxiety revolves around groups of new people, while for others it’s large crowds. It can also pertain to certain one-on-one relationships, or tie in to situations in which you have responsibility to others (like at a job).

4 common fears or worries that people relate to social anxiety include:

1. Not fitting in within small groups

2. Being judged for a feature of your identity or an aspect of your experience

3. Being seen or positioned as deficient, inadequate, or incompetent

4. Feeling unsafe in groups or crowds of people

With all that said, it’s important to acknowledge that the diversity of experiences that could be classified as social anxiety highlight a shortcoming of diagnosis in general: focusing on the experience of the fear, rather than on the specific contexts that support particular fears in existing in the first place.

As a counsellor, I notice that people find it far more helpful to explore and understand the context around their own unique experience of social anxiety, rather than trying to address it more broadly with catch-all tools and skills. That’s why I provide some guiding questions in this post to help you explore and address your own particular social anxieties.

Responses and Resistance to Socially Anxious Circumstances

Responses to the situations we associate with social anxiety can look many different ways. Perhaps the most recognizable response associated with anxiety in general is to avoid the situations in which it is most prominent. As an act of resistance, this makes sense, as it serves to mitigate undesirable experiences.

Other ways of resisting the negative responses and outcomes people associate with social anxiety can include staying quiet or censoring ourselves in groups, chattering nervously and filling the space with words, or carefully curating what we say in order to illicit positive responses. These ultimately all serve the important purpose of mitigating negative responses or encouraging positive ones.

A lot of people who describe themselves as struggling with social anxiety take issue with the constraints they feel around social situations. They long to feel free and at ease, and instead feel as though their life is made smaller by their fears. I believe that feelings always make sense within their given contexts, and so it’s fair to say that social anxiety is both an understandable response to interpersonal experiences, and something that would be relieving to feel less of.

For this reason, it can be helpful to address the specific fears behind your own unique social anxieties.

Addressing Social Anxiety Around Not Fitting In

Just about everyone can relate to the fear that they might stick out like a sore thumb when entering a new social group for the first time. This makes sense, because as I laid out in my post “Addressing the Social Roots of Your Anxiety”, belonging matters for our sense of dignity – and that’s important!

When it comes to social anxiety around not fitting in, there is most often one of two outcomes that people are most fearful of: being rejected or being excluded.

Both rejection and exclusion are understandably adverse possibilities that make sense to be avoided. Rejection is rarely, if ever, kind. It often comes with humiliation and alienation, which can make the experience all the more difficult, or even traumatic. Exclusion, on the other hand, can leave us feeling unwanted or discarded, with an implicit message that we aren’t good enough to be included.

When it comes to actually taking the wind out of anxiety’s sails around our fears of exclusion or rejection, there are a few tangible actions that can help. One is to go out on a limb and actually acknowledge that you feel anxious in those particular moments. As a clever social being, you probably already have a good read on people and circumstances that are safe to do that in. If you’re meeting a new group for the first time and they seem like kind, accepting people, simply acknowledging that you feel anxious when you meet new people can take the pressure to act like you feel at ease (or “normal”) off your shoulders. Otherwise, that pressure can just amplify the anxiety that you already feel in risky social interactions.

Some other more private or subtle strategies in these situations include:

• Focusing on breathing slowly and intentionally if it feels like your breath is shallow and quick

  • Also, softening your abdomen and opening your shoulders while you breathe into your tummy can support more of a sense of being in control of your body (heart rate, breathing, perspiration, etc.)

• Talking yourself through the fear of being excluded or rejected: If your fears come true, how can you deal with it?

  • What power or capacity do you have to handle negative social responses?

  • How have you dealt with them in the past?

  • Who do you know who deals with negative responses well, and how do you imagine they do it

  • What do you know about yourself that is at odds with the anxiety’s messages?

Taking Care of Fears of Judgment

Anxiety around the fear of judgment is similar to the fear of not fitting in, but different in some distinct ways. While they both relate to not belonging, the fear behind this kind of social anxiety is more about receiving a negative social response about a particular aspect of your identity or experience. This can look like fears of judgment for how you look, your sexuality or gender identity, your socioeconomic status, how you speak, your job or level of education, or stigmatized experiences you’ve had (such as abuse).

I know it goes without saying, but judgment sucks. It reduces us to a diminished essence far below who we actually are, and if it’s for something about ourselves that we really can’t help, it can really hurt. The hurt we experience for being judged is also very contextual. It probably doesn’t hurt to the same degree if it’s cast by a total stranger, versus a close friend, versus someone we don’t really know but admire, versus a family member.

The bottom line is that it is an affront to our dignity that erodes our sense of safety in social situations.

If you have anxieties about judgment, questions like these could be useful in helping address them:

• What are the things you’re wariest of being judged for?

• What is it about those particular things that makes them especially sensitive areas?

• What do the people who care most about you appreciate most about who you are?

• Do they know about the areas you’re sensitive about? If they do, why do you suppose they’re still in the picture?

• How do you imagine they’d respond if they knew you were judged for what you’re sensitive about?

• What do you imagine someone else’s judgment toward you would say about them?

• Would their judgment speak more to fundamental problems with you, or to issues they have?

• If you were to be judged for something you’re sensitive about, who would you go to for support? How would that help your sense of value or dignity?

Dealing with Being Seen as Inadequate, Deficient, or Incompetent

The fear of being deemed inadequate, deficient, or incompetent is similar to the anxiety around judgment described above. The discerning factor, however, is that this has more to do with measuring up and being “good enough”.

Being “good enough” is more or less synonymous with “acceptable”, and acceptance and belonging go hand-in-hand. Do you notice a pattern here? This just reaffirms the point that social anxiety has so much to do with belonging, and belonging has so much to do with dignity!

If you stop to think of the very notion of being “good enough”, there is an inherent nod to comparison and competition. This too says a lot about our culture. We are subjected to evaluation across so many of systems and spheres that we go through and belong to in life that it just makes sense for most people to have a radar for the extent to which they measure up with others.

If you struggle to feel like you measure up in the company of others, questions like these could help you navigate those issues:

• If not “measuring up” feels like a scary or uncomfortable position to be in, what do you imagine to be the consequence?

• What would it mean to you if that consequence was to come true?

• In your mind, where do the standards for “measuring up” come from?

• Is there anyone around whom it really doesn’t matter if they think you’re good enough or not?

• Who does it feel it matters most around?

• Who accepts you for the person you are, regardless of how proficient you are at certain things?

• If there was a critic you knew you absolutely could not appeal to, how would you accept their negative appraisal of you?

Social Anxiety in Crowded Spaces

There are plenty of reasons one might feel a sense of anxiety or panic in large crowded areas. Often, this relates back to adverse or traumatic experiences people have had, which undermine their sense of safety in the community. That aside, you can probably relate to having an increased sense of tension in busy, crowded spaces, which is contrasted by feeling more relaxed and at ease in less densely-packed areas. No matter how you cut it, we tend to respond to busy spaces with more arousal than in their chiller counterparts.

Social anxiety in the context of big crowds is actually quite unique from the previous three varieties discussed above. What differentiates it from the others is the focus on physical safety above belonging and dignity. When people feel anxious at the prospect of being in a large crowd of people, they tend to be less concerned with being judged or excluded, and more worried that something untoward them might happen.

If someone has experienced violence, or is fearful of encountering a person or situation that would be scary or uncomfortable for them, the solution isn’t as simple as saying “Just don’t worry about it! I’m sure you’ll be fine!”. I generally see folks who are vigilant about the dangers of crowded spaces as having had the unfortunate experience of being awakened to the reality that bad things can indeed happen. On top of that, if you think about it, it can be a lot harder to watch your back when there are a ton of other bodies milling around you. Sometimes there’s good sense behind our sensitivities and aversions.

If you struggle with anxiety around crowds or big groups of people, these questions could help you explore that:

• What makes crowded spaces different than those with fewer people when it comes to your anxiety level?

• What are you most wary of having happen when you’re in a crowded place?

• What precautions do you take to create safety when you’re entering crowded spaces?

• If you could imagine something happening that would take all your worries about this away, what would that be?

• How have you created safety in the past when you’ve felt fearful or unsafe going into crowded spaces?

• When you reflect on that, what does that tell you about your capacity to handle hard situations?

Knowing Your Social Anxieties

Being aware of your anxieties, fears, and worries can help you navigate them with intention. This can be hard to do when we’re just rolling with our anxious impulses. When you have a more robust understanding of the fears behind your social anxiety, it’s easier to negotiate with them and live in more preferred and expansive ways.

What kinds of social situations do you find you feel most anxious in, and why?

Do you have strategies for navigating your own feelings of anxiety in social situations?

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