How Defensiveness Hurts Your Relationship

Transcript

We’ve all been there. That moment when someone says something that immediately gets your back up. You’re left with the instinctive feeling of being under attack, and the impulse is to defend. And in this defence of yourself, you might notice yourself getting heated and saying something to criticize or attack back. And suddenly you find yourself in heated conflict, unsure of how you got here and what to do next.

If you’ve noticed defensiveness coming up for you in your relationships, stay tuned to learn how to make sense of defensiveness, and what can potentially be done about it in your relationships.

Hi everyone, I’m Laura Brown from Heart & Oak Therapy, supporting better, brighter lives. We’re relationship counsellors in Victoria BC who do regular videos on mental wellness, and give you practical ideas and tips to make your life happier and more fulfilling – so hit the subscribe button to keep in the loop!

First and foremost, you might be wondering, what is defensiveness? Well, it’s simply the attempt to defend yourself against a perceived attack or threat. Defensiveness is often talked about as a problematic way to deal with conflict in relationships because of what that attempt to defend sounds and looks like. Most often when we refer to defensiveness, we are speaking to the tendency to attack or criticize back or shut down the conversation altogether. Responding with defensiveness can be a problem when it gets in the way of hearing the true intention behind the message and amplifying the misunderstanding or conflict by hurting the other person back. Who may then respond with defensiveness to your message, snowballing things until you find yourself in a nasty mess and unsure of how to resolve it.

Defensiveness can be unique to each person, and can be influenced by a whole host of factors. How we interpret that message can be influenced by the how the other person packages that message – the tone, the choice of words, body language, and the environment they choose to deliver that message in. For example, you may attribute greater meaning that the words conveyed when someone uses an aggressive tone of voice, is standing over you, and is doing so in front of a crowd of people. Someone could say the exact same words using a softer tone, with open body language, and in private, that leaves you with an entirely different interpretation of the message.

This goes to show that we use a whole host of intel to interpret messages, which is why it is so important to consider the full context of when and how defensiveness comes up for you.

Beyond how the other person delivers this message, the way in which you interpret it can also be influenced by what is happening for you presently. Things like your present mood, your energy levels, the amount of sleep you have, and what you’re focused on can all contribute to how you interpret what someone is saying to you. 

For example, I am 100% guilty of getting extremely hangry at times. You’ve heard this concept before – the brutal reality that some people experience when their blood sugar drops and their left in a terrible state of anger and hunger. When I forget to eat and find myself feeling this way, it is incredibly hard for me NOT to get defensive. Even though his intention behind a message may be one of sincere care and concern, and is delivered in a way that clearly suggests this intention, I can hear it as an attack. And given the state I’m in, it’s likely for me to be pretty nasty in response to this. Honestly, some of our worst fights have been in large part because of my unbridled hanger.

In addition to how your feeling in the present moment, how and what someone says to you can also be perceived as an attack depending on the meaning you make what is said. Perhaps it reminds you of something you have felt criticized for in the past, by the person giving the message or someone else entirely. Or it could touch on something that you feel sensitive about, and that you could potentially address in a constructive way to heal or work through that sensitivity.

I’m going to use a really silly example from my own relationship to highlight a sensitivity that I noticed coming up when Will has made comments about me burping. Now, I want to make one thing clear, Will DESPISES burping, he thinks it’s disgusting – even more disgusting than farting. And I have a love for fizzy drinks, which can lead to unintentional burping on my part. This is now even more problematic because I’m pregnant and have a harder time controlling it. 

In addition to this, I’ve also become more sensitive as to whether or not Will finds me as attractive because my body is changing so much. In no way has Will done anything to contribute to this sensitivity, and I truly didn’t even realize this was an issue for me until Will commented one night on my burping. Usually when he would call out how gross he finds it, I would tease him back or flippantly say sorry, and then let it go. We have a pretty open relationship where we don’t tend to take offense when we call out the gross things the other one does. 

But the other night I perceived it as criticism and became super defensive in response, arguing that he was incredibly mean and rude for saying anything given my pregnant condition. He was left a bit flabbergasted and responded with a bit of defensiveness back. And before we knew it, we had a big ol misunderstanding on our hands. It took me taking a step back and questioning why I was so offended by what he had said that I came to realize my sensitivity. In expressing the real reason for why I was offended by him, Will expressed that his comment in no way reflected his level of attraction or love for me. 

So, what can be done about defensiveness? One of the best ways to shift your relationship with defensiveness is to become aware of when and how it happens for you. First, make sense of it for yourself, and in that noticing you can hold that feeling while also assessing its validity.

Whenever defensiveness comes up for you, you have an opportunity to determine whether or not the person delivering the message truly intended to criticize or attack you. You can ask yourself, why did I interpret this as an attack or why do I feel offended? What did the other person say or do that had me responding with this feeling? In finding the answers to these questions you can then inform the person of your interpretation. This can be done without a critique of the person, but rather a clear, direct acknowledgment of why and how you came to feel the way that you did.

Pulling from the burp example, instead of criticizing Will for what he said, I could have responded by saying “When you said my burping was disgusting, I was hurt because it made me think you don’t find me attractive”

Of course, this is an ideal response, and one that may not arise in the very moment that the conversation is happening. However, even having this type of conversation well after the fact is useful because it offers you an opportunity to reflect, be curious, and be vulnerable in a way that can lead to greater understanding and trust between you two. It also requires a sense of emotional safety from your partner to provide you with the space to be truly vulnerable in this way.

When you take steps to become aware of defensiveness, it opens you up to hearing the message in the way it was intended to be heard. By alerting you to the reasons why you do not initially interpret the message in this way, it offers you and your partner an opportunity to look at how you communicate, and what could be done differently to avoid misunderstandings in the future. It also gives you space to really consider how the two of you want to treat one another when things are going well, as well as when conflict and misunderstandings develop.

And now, turning it over to you, the Heart and Oak community. What has your experience been with defensiveness? What have you done to respond differently, even when you feel under attack of criticized? Share in the comment section below!

If this video has been interesting or helpful, go ahead and hit the “thumbs up” button below. For more helpful videos related to therapy and mental wellness, subscribe to our channel and hit the bell notification icon to make sure you stay in the loop.

Take care until next time, and keep doing the things that help you live a better, brighter life!

Things NOT to Say in a Fight With Your Partner

Transcript

One thing that almost all couples can relate to is conflict, and feeling regret after saying something hurtful in the heat of the moment. If you and your partner are tired of conflict that just seems to drive you apart, then this video is for you. Keep watching to learn some key things to avoid when conflict arises, so that you can feel closer and more connected!

Hi everyone, I’m Laura Brown from Heart & Oak Therapy, supporting better, brighter lives. We’re Victoria BC therapists who do regular videos on mental wellness, and give you practical ideas and tips to make your life happier and more fulfilling – so hit the subscribe button to keep in the loop!

In my practice, I love working with couples to help them discover new and better ways of relating to one another during conflicts. It truly is the most common reason that most couples seek my help. Let’s be honest, most people aren’t interested in learning how to communicate when they are getting along perfectly well. The problem instead, is struggling to find ways to work through disagreements in constructive ways.

It is all too common for couples to feel incredibly frustrated, hurt, and exhausted by the ways in which one or both partners treat the other when they’re fighting. For a lot of couples, the frustration of attempting to find resolution can feel impossible. So a lot of conflicts are left unresolved, with feelings of resentment and hurt piling up and disrupting their connection. 

One awesome thing about couples counselling is that it can help partners quickly learn that it’s not about trying to avoid conflict – a nearly impossible feat - Instead, it’s all about finding different, more helpful ways of working through disagreements. So let’s talk about what NOT to say or do when you feel challenged by your partner.

One of the most important ways to communicate in the heat of a conflict is to avoid criticizing, attacking, and name calling. Examples of these things include:

 “What’s wrong with you? Are you an idiot?! How do you not know how to do this?!” Statements like these can be on the cusp of, or outright, bonefide verbal and emotional abuse, because, to a greater or lesser degree, they are degrading, humiliating, and opporessive. If statements like these are done consistently over time, they can serve the purpose of asserting power and dominance over the other partner, as opposed to a rare expression if frustration.

Avoiding this way of communicating is so important because you cannot take words back. Once they are said, and the hurt is felt by the partner on the other end, there is a whole new issue to deal with – reconciling after a nasty attack. This kind of behaviour sets the stage for more hurt, and escalates the conflict and tension between you. It’s also problematic because it distracts you both from the original issue, which makes it harder to get to a place of resolution.

If one or both of you notice that you criticize, attack, or insult your partner during conflicts, then there are some ways to change this.

First and foremost, one of the most helpful things you can do is begin paying close attention to what you do when conflict arises. If you feel angry, afraid, or otherwise upset, slow down and assess what it is you are feeling and thinking about the situation at hand, and how you are expressing this with your partner. 

Play detective and really get to know the full context of what is happening before, during, and after you criticize, attack, or insult. It can be an uncomfortable process, acknowledging and owning actions you may not be proud of, but as hard as it may be, the benefit makes this process worth it. Also, the fact that you are experiencing discomfort shows that you know this type of behaviour is wrong, and it’s worth listening to your own moral compass.

After you have a thorough understanding of what goes on for you and your partner during conflicts, and how you come to communicate with criticism, attacks, or name calling, you can begin to explore better alternatives. Consider how you want to communicate in a more desirable way that you can be proud of.

One way to do this is to explore factors that help you to communicate with kindness and compassion, even when you feel angry or hurt.

Some questions that can help you get to this place of understanding include:

• What kind of mood do you need to be in to say your piece in a kind, clear, and direct way?

• Where do you need to be?

• What do you need to do?

• What can your partner do to support you in communicating in this way?

• How can you hold yourself accountable to communicate in this way?

One thing I want to stress here is that you are absolutely responsible for your own behaviour, so if you have a hard time addressing your partner in kind ways when you feel challenged, it’s not your partner’s job to just avoid doing the things you feel challenged by – provided they are reasonable and not abusive. With the exception of abusive behaviour, you’re not being accountable if you say, “In order for me to treat you with kindness and patience, I need you to stop leaving your dirty clothes on the floor”

So, notice and assess how and when you feel challenged by your partner, consider how you can express that in clear, direct, and kind ways, and be open to working WITH your partner on making things better for both of you.

By learning to communicate with more kindness in the midst of conflict, you will build a greater level of trust, a more egalitarian dynamic, and the emotional safety to be vulnerable and to truly connect on a deeper level with your partner.

When you are able to cultivate a relationship with this type of communication, the two of you will have greater freedom to make mistakes, learn, and grow together.

I want to make one thing clear: it is absolutely possible to change the way you communicate, by putting in some attention, time, accountability, and effort.

I have been lucky enough to watch couples work together, to hear and understand one another’s positions, and find resolution in kind, respectful ways that ease frustrations and hurt feelings. Old conflicts that have yet to be resolved can be revisited and worked through to heal old hurts.

And now I’m turning it over to you, the Heart and Oak Community. What has your experience been with criticizing, attacking, or name calling during conflicts? What have you done to challenge yourself or your partner to find new, preferred ways of working through conflicts?

If this video has been interesting or helpful, go ahead and hit the “thumbs up” button below. For more helpful videos related to therapy and mental wellness, subscribe to our channel and hit the bell notification icon to make sure you stay in the loop.

Take care until next time, and keep doing the things that help you live a better, brighter life!

Cheating in Relationships: Why Do People Do It?

Transcript

Finding out your partner has been unfaithful can feel devastating. Being unfaithful yourself can leave you ridden with guilt, shame, and confusion about your relationship. If you’re trying to understand why people cheat, this video is for you!

Hi everyone, I’m Laura Brown from Heart & Oak Therapy, supporting better, brighter lives. We’re therapists who do regular videos on mental wellness, and give you practical ideas and tips to make your life happier and more fulfilling – so hit the subscribe button to keep in the loop!

Whether someone has cheated once or many times, it is generally a wakeup call that something isn’t quite right for at least one person in a relationship. But before we dive into that, let’s get on the same page with what “cheating” means.

Cheating is any type of behaviour that crosses either the spoken or unspoken boundaries set by partners in a relationship. For most couples, faithfulness is an assumed part of a committed relationship – and often doesn’t get talked about in explicit ways unlesssomeone is unfaithful. Simply put, “cheating” is breaking the rules that you and your partner set for each other.

For some, this may mean engaging with someone outside of the relationship sexually, emotionally, or both. Having sex with someone else is pretty clear and straight forward, whereas having an emotional affair can be a little more nuanced. 

An emotional affair consists of forming an emotional, intimate bond with someone outside of the relationship. The feeling you share with this person is different from a platonic connection – there is an affectionate, potentially flirtatious, and emotionally charged dynamic that develops. 

People cheat for all sorts of reasons. And there is no “one size fits all” explanation. However, there are some general themes that can serve as a starting point to begin understanding why people choose to cheat. So let’s dive in and take a look at what some of those reasons are.

One reason why people cheat is because the unfaithful partner is dealing with a personal struggle or issue.

For example, I worked with a client who expressed how he was committed and in love with his partner, but found himself cheating on her repeatedly. When we first began working together, he said that he believed he had a sex addiction, and that cheating was based on an uncontrollable urge that he wanted to stop, but that he couldn’t figure out how to.

Throughout our conversations, it soon became clear that cheating served a purpose for him. As much as he didn’t want to hurt his girlfriend and be unfaithful, he would pursue other women in response to experiencing anxiety. The pursuit of other women, in spite of the risk to his present relationship, served as a distraction from his anxious feelings. As we explored the problem further, he shared that he enjoyed the thrill-seeking nature of cheating, and that it made him in feeling more alive. Once we were able to nail down what cheating did for him and what benefit it brought to his life (along with the obvious cost), he was soon able to find new ways of having those needs met that did not involve cheating.

So realizing the personal longing or need that cheating satisfies can help you recognize other ways to address them without the potentially negative consequences of being unfaithful.

A second reason that people cheat is because they feel dissatisfied with some aspect of their present relationship. Now, before I go on, I want to make one thing crystal clear: I am in no way suggesting that the partner who gets cheated on is somehow responsible for their partner’s behaviour. Making sense of people’s choices is not a means to place blame on the other partner. 

Being in a long term committed relationship can be hard, even for those couples who seem to have the “perfect” relationship. It can be common for couples to become accustomed to a particular dynamic, which can be hard to change without a lot of conscious effort and work. When this dynamic becomes unsatisfying to one or both partners, people may respond by looking outside of the relationship for an escape or a way to have their needs met by others.

I have worked with couples where one partner chose to cheat in response to longing for more physical and emotional affection and attention. Cheating can be a way to have this need met, as opposed to working with your partner to find solutions that you can both agree on. 

If you are considering cheating or have already cheated in response to a sense of dissatisfaction, take a close look at your relationship and ask yourself what it is you are longing for. What do you need more of to become satisfied? Is your partner aware of how you feel? If so, how have you communicated this, and how did they respond? Does your partner understand and validate your experience? Do they want to work with you to find solutions? 

Not unlike with the first reason, identifying the relationship longings behind a partner’s decision to cheat can create opportunities make the relationship more satisfying and sustainable.

Another reason that people may choose to cheat is because they realize they are unhappy in their relationship, and are looking for a way out. This could be something that they are fully aware of, or it could be an underlying feeling that they have yet to address. 

If they are aware that they want to end the relationship, they may be experiencing a lot of guilt or concern of how their partner or others might respond. Perhaps they are avoiding the reality of where they are at, trying to escape the sense of guilt for being the one to call it quits, and finding themselves drawn to the idea of entering a new relationship.

Unfortunately, even if the cheating partner has good intentions by wanting not to hurt their significant other, cheating usually hurts so much more than just being straight and honest about things just not working for them.

The fourth reason as to why someone might cheat is related to a longing for a sense of power or control. Sometimes people who describe themselves as having “commitment issues” feel scared of being “locked down” by a monogamous relationship. For them, cheating is a means to feel like they’re not losing their power to a commitment that trumps their free will.

Of course, no relationship should undermine anyone’s right to consent, whether we’re talking about in the bedroom, or the relationship in general. If someone thinks that they need to cheat in order to preserve their sense of autonomy, it can be helpful to acknowledge those worries and arrive at an understanding that puts those fears to rest.

The final reason why someone might cheat that I’ll be touching on in this video relates to a desire to hurt their partner in a malicious way. Perhaps the cheating partner feels resentment toward their significant other, or has been hurt by something they’ve done in the past. Or maybe they feel dismissed or not taken seriously, so they use cheating as a way to show their partner what they’re capable of. In this way, cheating can be a means to get back at a partner in a way that really hurts. This can also be an abuse tactic, as an affront to the relationship and their partner’s dignity.

If this is the case, and you want to avoid cheating, these are often issues that can be addressed in more direct and therefore effective ways. If the vulnerability needed to talk openly about hurts, resentments, and other hard experiences doesn’t feel safety, this is where talking to a skilled couples counsellor can really help. It offers a space to address what needs to be talked about so that more constructive action can be taken. 

So, as hard as cheating can be for a relationship, addressing it creates an opportunity to take care other important issues. This can actually lead to more closeness, intimacy, trust, and connection, if handled well.

Now turning it over to you, the Heart and Oak community: Are there other reasons a partner might cheat that I didn’t address in this video? Which reason stuck out to you the most, and what did it get you thinking? Be sure to let us know in the comment section!

If this video has been interesting or helpful, go ahead and hit the “thumbs up” button below. For more helpful videos related to therapy and mental wellness, subscribe to our channel and hit the bell notification icon to make sure you stay in the loop.

Take care until next time, and keep doing the things that help you live a better, brighter life!

Is it OK for Couples to Fight?!

Transcript

Have you and your partner have been bickering or full on fighting more than ever? No matter what you do to try and resolve it, you’re encountering the same thing time and time again. And now you’re worried that it might mean something bigger about your relationship. 

Conflict in relationships can be a messy, confusing issue. You can probably relate to just wanting to get along with your partner without any tension or fighting. In this video I answer the age-old question – is it okay for couples to fight? The answer might surprise you, so keep watching!

Hi everyone, I’m Laura Brown from Heart & Oak Therapy, supporting better, brighter lives. We’re therapists who do regular videos on mental wellness, and give practical ideas and tips to make your life happier and more fulfilling – so hit the subscribe button to keep in the loop!

Conflict can look different for every couple. For some, it’s a quiet, private event, with little verbal communication exchanged. For others, it can be pretty heated, with each partner asserting their point of view to be “right”. Usually there’s feelings of annoyance, frustration, anger, and or hurt – which people respond to in lots of different ways.

Just to clarify, when I refer to conflict, I’m talking about people in relationships not getting along. Although sometimes these things get confused for one another, I’m NOT referring to violence or abuse, which is a fundamentally different issue altogether. I’m happy to make a video clarifying the difference between fighting and violence or abuse another time.

The issues behind a conflict can be just about anything – anything that you and your partner may have a different belief, feeling, or opinion on. It’s usually about something that matters to one or both of you, and a point of difference or disagreement.

Regardless of how you disagree or what you disagree over, some couples can find it really draining to experience a lot of conflict, and you might be wondering what it means about your relationship if and when you do fight. 

Well, let’s dive in and explore the ins and outs of conflict.

So, if you’re like a lot of people, you might presume that a healthy relationship is one where you get along all the time, and that fighting is the worst thing for your relationship.

While I can understand the appeal of never fighting, I think it’s totally unrealistic to expect to have conflict-free relationship. Because you and your partner are two people with different life experiences and perspectives, conflict is bound to arise!

The way me and a lot of relationship experts see it, conflict itself isn’t a problem, it’s how you respond to conflict that matters. In fact, I would argue that it can be problematic to continuously avoid having conflict when there’s an issue to address. 

Why, you may ask? Because avoiding conflict doesn’t mean that there aren’t issues like hurt feelings or resentments to address. Engaging in conflict constructively can actually help us clear the air and become even closer.

Avoiding conflict can be a fast track to resentment because you aren’t able to come to a place of resolution. Resentment can act like a dead, silent weight on a relationship that can eat away at the love you share.

Speaking of resentment, not only is it more likely to hang around when we avoid conflict, it can also build when you and your partner do engage in conflict, but struggle to find resolution. When conflict is half-heartedly dropped because it seems impossible to talk through it, nothing changes in the long term.

So how can couples fight in helpful and constructive ways?

First, get a sense of whether or not you, as a couple, struggle when it comes to conflict. Do you or your partner avoid fighting like the plague by keeping concerns to yourself, or withdrawing when your partner raises an issue, or saying what you think the other person wants to hear? Does one of you get aggressive or defensive even before anyone has said something hurtful? My main point here is: assess how you respond to issues in the relationship.

Having a clearer sense of how things tend to go wrong when it comes to fighting in your relationship can give you an idea of what to do about it. Depending on the situation, it can be as simple as being mindful of what you say and do when issues come up. But sometimes it’s less straightforward, like when it’s clear that there are personal issues that need to be worked through before the conflict gets easier. In cases like that, it can help to reach out to a therapist or to do some personal work in your own way.

A third helpful tip is to be aware of your energy levels when engaging with challenging issues together. Ask yourselves what energy you each have to openly and compassionately address the real issues. This is an opportunity for you both to respect where you’re at, and understand that both low and charged emotions can make it hard to work together as a team.

When you feel that you’re in a space to openly hear one another, you can begin by exploring each of your feelings about past or present hurts, and listen openly to what your partner has to say about it. What was it like for you during that conflict? How did you feel when it was happening?

And this brings me to one more tip: work on really listening to your partner. This means listening without interrupting, without forming a rebuttal, without judgment, and without defensiveness. It means being curious without making assumptions. Practice asking questions that help you understand your partner’s perspective, rather than arguing against them, or, on the other hand, telling them what you think they want to hear.

 So, it isn’t really about whether or not you and your partner have conflict in your relationship. What counts is how you respond and engage with it. 

When conflict is used as an exercise to learn about one another and demonstrate love, compassion, and respect, conflict resolution can be a great opportunity to grow together. Getting to this place is possible if you both invest the time and energy to do things a little bit differently.

Now turning it over to you, the heart and oak community: What do you think about fighting in relationships? What are some ways you’ve experienced it helping or hindering your own connection with partners? Let us know in the comment section!

If this video has been interesting or helpful, go ahead and hit the “thumbs up” button below. For more helpful videos related to therapy and mental wellness, subscribe to our channel and hit the bell notification icon to make sure you stay in the loop. 

Take care until next time, and keep doing the things that help you live a better, brighter life!

Couples Counselling: Will it Work For You?

Transcript

Couples counselling can feel like a daunting and scary undertaking, but it can also make a world of difference for struggling relationships. In this video I address some of the most common ways that couples counselling can help your relationship, so that you have a better idea of what to expect. Stay tuned to learn how a skilled counsellor can help you turn down the struggle and turn up the satisfaction!

Hi everyone, I’m Laura Brown from Heart & Oak Therapy, supporting better, brighter lives. We’re therapists who do regular videos on mental wellness, and give you practical ideas and tips to make your life happier and more fulfilling – so hit the subscribe button to keep in the loop!

Realizing that your relationship could use a little outside help can be a big, important step toward making things better.

Unfortunately, there’s a still a whole lot of stigma out there when it comes to doing therapy, especially couples counselling. I hear it all the time – “the right relationship should be easy”, “if it’s meant to be, it will just work”, or that “love is all you need”. And let’s not forget about the social pressure to make it work at any cost. 

Then, on the flip side, there’s the belief that if you aren’t satisfied in your relationship, it’s better to cut your losses than to keep trying to make it work. All of these mixed messages and ideas can leave a lot of couples feeling confused, hopeless, and stuck!

So how can couples counselling help you go from feeling discouraged to secure in your relationship? Allow me to explain!

One of the most common reasons couples seek therapy is because they struggle to work through conflict in helpful and constructive ways.

Just about anyone who has been in a relationship can agree that it can be incredibly hard to find better ways to work through conflict when we’re the ones in the middle of it! It can be hard to hear your own tone, remember the content of what you say, and understand why your partner responds the way they do to it all. And digging into these details after the fact can bring up old hurts and frustrations.

The benefit of bringing in a third party, like a therapist, is that you and your partner are given the space to have your points of view heard by an unbiased professional. This creates a level of safety for both of you to share, have your perspectives reflected back to both of you, and ultimately understand each other better.

A couples counsellor can serve as a guide for you to find resolution to conflict by asking questions that encourage you both to validate one another’s perspectives. Doing this in a genuine way can support you both in softening any feelings of hurt and anger, creating space for compassion, understanding, and forgiveness. 

One way to know if this is a struggle that you and your partner are facing is by asking yourselves what usually happens when conflict arises in the relationship. How do you each respond, and how do you find resolution? Does it feel like you get stuck, or that big issues don’t get fully resolved? If so, this is one way a couples counsellor can help.

If it seems like this could be a helpful thing to work on, look into connecting with a counsellor who is skilled at supporting couples in developing effective ways of communicating. It’s important for you both to feel a connection with this counsellor, and that each one of you are treated fairly, without judgment.

The benefit of taking this step is that the two of you learn really effective strategies for communicating, which helps to create a stronger foundation that will support you in getting through all sorts of challenges down the road.

Another familiar problem that many couples face is feeling disconnected from one another, or out of sync.

It’s really easy for life to get in the way of focusing on the relationship, and for you to wake up one day and realize that you are both in a bit of a rut. This can feel like an overwhelming and scary realization, that can lead to lots of questions about the future of your relationship if the spark isn’t rekindled quickly.

If this is an experience you are familiar with, then getting the support of a skilled couples counsellor can be really helpful. This person can offer you valuable feedback and help you collaborate to create the changes you both desire.

Couples counselling offers a space to engage in an open, frank conversation about where the relationship is currently at, and how you both would like things to be different. 

When deciding who to reach out to, both of you can consider the support you need from a counsellor, and what both of you are looking for in terms of help.

In this way, relationship counselling helps hold you both accountable to focus on the relationship, giving it the attention you need to restore your connection.

 Another common reason that couples seek therapy is in response to a loss of trust between partners. This can be due to a transgression by one or both of you against the other, and couples counselling offers an avenue to heal and move past the hurt.

When trust has been shaken, it can be really hard to work together to make things whole again. Maybe one or both of you feel invalidated by the other, or that you aren’t given the space to feel how you feel about the situation. There might also be a lack of accountability taken for the wrongdoing that is getting in the way of forgiveness and healing.  

In situations like this, couples counselling offers an opportunity for the two of you to talk about what has happened in the relationship within a safe space. The upside of any struggle in a relationship, even those that feel huge and hard to overcome, is that they offer a chance for you to heal past hurts and create a stronger foundation of connection and trust.

For couples, reaching out for support doesn’t have to mean that your relationship is doomed and beyond repair. Instead, it can be a sign of the commitment that the two of you share in having a more desirable and fulfilling relationship. 

If this video has been interesting or helpful, go ahead and hit the “thumbs up” button below. For more helpful videos related to therapy and mental wellness, subscribe to our channel and hit the bell notification icon to make sure you stay in the loop.

Take care until next time, and keep doing the things that help you live a better, brighter life.

Social Anxiety: How to Get Over Fear of Rejection

Do you ever feel like you're all tied up in knots because you're anxious about being rejected or disliked for who you are? If you struggle with social anxiety, it's probably no surprise that fear of rejection is one of the biggest things people worry about.

Transcript

Do you ever feel like you’re all tied up in knots because you’re anxious about being rejected or disliked for who you are? If you struggle with social anxiety, it’s probably no surprise that fear of rejection is one of the biggest things people worry about. In this video I’ll be touching on why that is and what you can do to feel  more at ease when anxiety comes a-knockin’. Keep watching to learn all about it!

 Hi folks, I’m Will Bratt from Heart & Oak Therapy, supporting better, brighter lives. We’re therapists who do regular videos on mental wellness, and give practical ideas and tips to address your problems and make your life happier – so hit the subscribe button to keep in the loop!

 As you may know from your own lived experience, social anxiety is often a strong emotional response to anticipating rejection, exclusion, judgment, or just not fitting in with others. Now, not everyone who shares these fears experiences them for all the same reasons, but it really is uncanny that so many of us can relate to these feelings in some way!

 No matter the reason behind why you feel anxious about being disliked or rejected, you probably don’t appreciate the way these fears can shrink your life. Social anxiety can make it really hard to venture out into new social contexts, get to know new people, and let new people get to know you. So let’s take a closer look at social anxiety, fear of rejection, and what you can do about it!

 Isn’t it interesting how human beings can find it so unnerving to imagine being disliked or rejected? I mean, it’s not like our lives are necessarily at stake. But still we really struggle to feel comfortable with that possibility. I touch on this in our video “How Most Anxiety is Social Anxiety”, and I explain how this is because belonging goes hand in hand with dignity. I definitely recommend giving that a watch after you’re finished with this one.

 But yeah, even though we don’t have to depend on each other in the modern world the way our ancestors did, belonging is still vital for our sense of wellbeing. So it makes sense why so many of us have a hard time with this particular kind of social anxiety.

 Now, even though it makes a lot of sense to feel anxious about rejection, exclusion, and not fitting in, it can end up being very restrictive for us to take those fears as gospel without challenging them. In other words, just because something is scary, doesn’t mean we should rule it out and avoid it forever. Although the prospect of things going badly can be terribly unnerving, it can also be rewarding and enlivening to challenge our social fears with courage.

 So here are some ways of taking the wind out of social anxiety’s sails:

 1.     Ask yourself “So what?”

 The first way to disrupt social anxiety around the fear of rejection is to ask yourself in a very kind and honest way, “So what?” What if you did experience rejection, judgment, or some other negative social response. What would that mean for you? What would the consequence be for your life? What’s the best way you imagine yourself or someone else dealing with that kind of experience?

I offer questions like these to help you explore for yourself what it is about the possibility of rejection or not fitting in that feels as scary as it does. While there’s a reason for everything, not everything needs to stay the way it is. In this case, I have a hunch that even though it might feel really scary to be rejected or excluded, your fears probably don’t give you enough credit for your ability to deal with challenges like these.

2.    Consider the Cost/Benefit

 That leads us to the second way of keeping social anxiety and fear of rejection from constraining your life: considering the cost and benefit of putting yourself out there in spite of your fears, versus adhering to social anxiety’s cautions.

 What do you imagine would help or hurt your life more? Having your fears come true and experiencing rejection, or staying quiet or withdrawn to keep the rejection from happening? I think it’s important to acknowledge here that every situation is different, and so there’s no universally right answer to this question. I also can’t tell you what’s right or wrong for you, but I can say that for myself, strictly adhering to my fears of judgment, rejection, and exclusion usually costs me more than it benefits me. I’ve developed some wonderful relationships with people who I initially felt scared or intimidated to talk to, in part because I took the risk of approaching them.

3. Building confidence

This connects naturally to the third way of reducing your fear of rejection: building confidence in the possibility of things going well.

In our video “Is Social Anxiety Really About Low Self-Esteem?”, I acknowledge the reality that a lot of people develop fears and expectations around receiving negative responses from others because they’ve actually had a number of those experiences in the past. In cases like this, social anxiety can actually be seen as resistance to receiving rejection or mistreatment in the future. But I also see the dilemma around not wanting to miss out on the opportunity to have an expansive social life.

When we experience really hurtful rejections, it can make it hard to go out on a limb and put ourselves in those situations that we feel anxious about. But trying anyway and experiencing success over time helps us build confidence in the possibility that things could actually go well.

I encourage you to be patient with yourself here. Negative experiences tend to carry a lot more weight than positive ones, and so it could take at least a handful of positive experiences in a row to help build that confidence and diminish some of your fears of rejection or exclusion.

4.     See it as an opportunity

Building confidence flows nicely into the fourth way of getting over your fear of rejection: seeing your fear and anxiety as an opportunity to build strength in yourself.

It’s easy to see anxiety as a barrier, because fear makes it hard to take action toward the things you’re afraid of. And while that may be true, it also presents an opportunity to get better at something you struggle with.

If you notice yourself feeling anxious about a social situation you’re anticipating, you could ask yourself a question like, “How might this be an opportunity to build strength or skills?”. You could also ask yourself, “What skills or abilities might facing this fear help me increase?”

Seeing your fear of rejection as an opportunity could help anxious moments feel less like threats and more like potential chances to grow.

These are 4 strategies that can help you reduce your social anxiety and fear of rejection. Now I’d like to turn it over to you! If you have other ways of dealing with social anxiety around the fear of rejection, let us know in the comment section. You can also let us know if you have other helpful ways of dealing with those fears. The Heart & Oak community is all about sharing what helps, and you never know who your ideas and experiences might benefit!

If this video has been interesting or helpful, go ahead and hit the “thumbs up” button below. For more helpful videos related to therapy and mental wellness, subscribe to our channel and hit the bell notification icon to make sure you stay in the loop.

Take care until next time, and keep doing the things that help you live a better, brighter life!

Social Anxiety: Is it Really about Low Self-Esteem?

If you or someone you care about struggles with social anxiety, you’ve probably heard the idea that it’s caused by having low self-esteem. In this video Will Bratt explains how that perspective misses the mark, and offers some other ways of looking at it that can help you deal with your own social anxiety!

Transcript

If you or someone you care about struggles with social anxiety, you’ve probably heard the idea that it’s caused by having low self-esteem. In this video I explain how that perspective misses the mark, and offer some other ways of looking at it that can help you deal with your own social anxiety. Keep watching to learn more!

Hi folks, I’m Will Bratt from Heart & Oak Therapy, supporting better, brighter lives. We’re therapists who do regular videos on mental wellness, and give practical ideas and tips to address your problems and make your life happier – so hit the subscribe button to keep in the loop!

There’s a really popular idea out there that the reason people feel anxious in social situations is because they have low self-esteem. This perspective assumes that because you fear rejection, exclusion, judgment, and other negative social responses, you must not feel good enough about yourself, because if you did, those things wouldn’t matter to you.

 As a therapist, I talk to a lot of folks about social anxiety, and its relationship to self-esteem almost always comes up. But when we take a close look at that perspective, its faults start to become clear. In this video I share how the idea that social anxiety is caused by low self-esteem doesn’t hold much water, as well as some more context-based observations that better explain social anxiety.

 Let’s start with what social anxiety is, and how most people experience it.

As an emotion, anxiety is often about anticipation. In general, it is the emotional response to anticipated negative experiences. When we throw the word “social” in front of “anxiety”, we’re talking about the anticipation of negative social responses or experiences. I talk more about this in our video “How to Address the Fears Behind Social Anxiety”, which you should check out after this one.

If you’ve ever dealt with social anxiety, you’ve probably experienced it as fears and worries around anticipated judgments, rejection, exclusion, or even as a lack of safety in groups or crowded spaces. Common responses to these fears include avoidance of social circumstances, being quiet and careful with what you say, verbal diarrhea – where you fill the air with words and have a hard time reigning it in, and even feeling physically ill with nausea, vomiting, rapid heart rate, and fast, shallow breathing. 

With all that said, people often assume that if only you had more self-esteem, confidence, or thought more highly of yourself, you wouldn’t have these feelings in the first place. Let me explain why this assumption is generally not all that useful.

1.     It’s an overgeneralization

First, and perhaps foremost, it’s often a hasty overgeneralization that your feelings of anxiety around social situations are caused by having low self-esteem. The mental health field is full of hasty assumptions and generalizations just like this, which fail to take the context of your life and lived experience into account. Assumptions like these jump the gun and provide easy answers that lack real insight into your actual lived experience.

What I mean here is that human lives are complex, and our responses, like fear and anxiety, are typically not black and white issues. They’re nuanced and intricate, and they often come to be for a host of intersecting reasons.

When we make the assumption that someone’s social anxiety must be attributed to their low self-esteem, we fail to take these nuances into account and run the risk of choosing easy answers over potentially more accurate ones.

2.     It assumes social fears are necessarily connected to self-esteem

The second problem with the idea that social anxiety is totally due to low self-esteem is that it is an absolute and therefore potentially ill-fitting assumption. When we think that way, we put all our eggs in that one basket, and close the door on more contextually correct possibilities.

As a therapist, I’ve had way more conversations about self-esteem and social anxiety than I could possibly count. I can say that it is simply untrue that all people who fear receiving negative social responses like rejection, exclusion, or judgment, do so because they don’t like themselves enough. In fact, more often than not, the fact that someone wants to avoid negative interpersonal experiences is more of an indicator that they esteem themselves quite highly.

If that last point has you scratching you head, let me explain. If someone fears judgment, exclusion, or rejection, that tells me they care about how they’re treated. Caring about yourself in this way goes hand in hand with how you value or esteem yourself. So if you read between the lines, the fact that someone is anxious about being on the receiving end of mistreatment is more a sign that they esteem themselves highly than that they don’t value themselves much at all.

If you truly didn’t care about something, you wouldn’t feel anxious about how other people treat that thing. So when someone feels anxious about how they might be treated by others, that can be an indicator that they do indeed care about themselves – and caring about yourself goes hand in hand with self-esteem.

3.     Past Experiences

The third way this notion misses the mark is that it doesn’t account for people’s past experiences.

Everything makes sense in context, and people’s past experiences are a totally relevant part of the context around present circumstances. We can’t divorce ourselves from the past, or live like goldfish with no long-term memory. When things happen, we learn from them, and adjust our expectations and actions accordingly.

For example, we might assume that a 21-year-old who was bullied throughout high school, and who has social anxiety around meeting new people, has those fears because the bullying caused them to have low self-esteem, which causes them to feel socially anxious. But what if, having lived through that bullying, they developed a radar for mistreatment, which their social anxiety is a testament to? So instead of the anxiety being caused by not liking themselves, it could actually be attributed to learning that sometimes people treat others in really unkind ways, and their anxiety is part of their resistance to that happening further.

These are three ways in which social anxiety can be about so much more than low self-esteem. Now we’d like you to chime in with your thoughts and perspectives! Your ideas could be really helpful to the Heart & Oak community! Aside from it being all about low self-esteem, what are other ways you make sense of your own social anxiety? Are there some points from this video that ring true for you, or maybe some that we didn’t touch on at all? Leave your response in the comment section!

If this video has been interesting or helpful, go ahead and hit the “thumbs up” button below. For more helpful videos related to therapy and mental wellness, subscribe to our channel and hit the bell notification icon to make sure you stay in the loop.

Take care until next time, and keep doing the things that help you live a better, brighter life.

Social Anxiety: How to Address Your Fears

Social anxiety can feel like living inside a shrinking room, where the walls get closer and the space inside gets tighter. In this video, Will Bratt shares insights into what social anxiety is, why it's so common, and tangible actions you can take to address some common fears behind your own social anxiety.

Transcript

Social anxiety can feel like living inside a shrinking room, where the walls get closer and the space inside gets tighter. In this video, I share insights into what social anxiety is, why it’s so common, and tangible actions you can take to address some common fears behind your own social anxiety.

Hi folks, I’m Will Bratt from Heart & Oak Therapy, supporting better, brighter lives.

We’re therapists who do regular videos on mental wellness, and give practical ideas and tips to address your problems and make your life happier – so hit the subscribe button to keep in the loop! 

Social anxiety is kind of a catch-all term that several different kinds of worry, fear, and anxiety relate to. Generally speaking, social anxiety is about anticipating negative social interactions with others. For some it revolves around groups of new people, while for others it’s large crowds. It can also relate to some one-on-one relationships, or to situations where you have a responsibility to others, like at a job.

In this video, I’ll be covering 4 of the most common fears and worries that people relate to social anxiety, along with concrete things you can do to address those fears at their root. The 4 types of social anxiety that I’ll be touching on are:

1.     Not fitting in within small groups

2.     Being judged for a feature of your identity or an aspect of your experience

3.     Being seen or positioned as deficient, inadequate, or incompetent

4.     Feeling unsafe in groups or crowds of people

First, let’s talk about the nuts and bolts of social anxiety.

People respond to the situations they associate with social anxiety in many different ways. The most recognizable response associated with anxiety in general is to avoid the situations that we feel anxious in. Anyone who has ever felt anxious can likely attest to the fact that this makes total sense, as avoidance helps us mitigate undesirable experiences.

Other ways of resisting the negative outcomes people associate with social anxiety can include staying quiet or censoring ourselves in groups, chattering nervously and filling the space with words, or carefully curating what we say in order to illicit positive responses from other people. These ultimately all serve the important purpose of avoiding negative responses or encouraging positive ones.

The downside, of course, is that we don’t feel free to be ourselves in these situations. If you experience a lot of social anxiety, you probably feel like your life is made smaller by your fears, and you may long to feel freer and at ease in these social situations.

So let’s get in to 4 of the most common types of social anxiety and what you can do to address them.

1.      Not Fitting In

Just about everyone can relate to the fear that they might stick out like a sore thumb in social groups. This makes sense, because, as I laid out in our video “How Most Anxiety is Social Anxiety”, belonging matters for our sense of dignity – and that’s important! I also go into more detail about this in a post on the Heart & Oak blog, which you can find a link to in the description below.

When it comes to social anxiety around not fitting in, there is most often one of two outcomes that people are most fearful of: being rejected and being excluded.

Rejection is rarely, if ever, kind. It often comes with humiliation and alienation, which can make the experience all the more difficult, or even traumatic.

Exclusion, on the other hand, can leave us feeling unwanted or discarded, with an implicit message that we aren’t good enough to be included. So it makes sense to strive to keep these things from happening!

When it comes to actually taking the wind out of anxiety’s sails around our fears of exclusion or rejection, there are a few tangible actions that can help:

One is to go out on a limb and actually acknowledge that you feel anxious in those particular moments. Being the clever person you are, you probably already have a good read on people and circumstances that are safe to do that in. If you’re meeting a new group for the first time and they seem like kind, accepting people, simply acknowledging that you feel anxious when you meet new people can take the pressure to act like you feel at ease or “normal” off your shoulders. Otherwise, that pressure can just amplify the anxiety that you already feel in those social interactions.

Some other more private or subtle strategies in these situations include:

• Focusing on breathing slowly and intentionally if it feels like your breath is shallow and quick. Also, softening your abdomen and opening your shoulders while you breathe into your tummy can support more of a sense of being in control of your heart rate, breathing, perspiration, and other related aspects of your physical body.

• You can also talk yourself through the fear of being excluded or rejected

  • If your fears come true, how can you deal with it?

  • What power or capacity do you have to handle negative social responses from others?

  • How have you dealt with them in the past?

  • Who do you know who deals with negative responses well, and how do you imagine they do it 

Exclusion and rejection can hurt, but there will always be people out there who care about and admire you for the person you are.

2.     Fear of judgment

Now on to the second common fear related to social anxiety: fears of being judged

Anxiety around the fear of judgment is similar to the fear of not fitting in, but different in some distinct ways. While they both relate to not belonging, the fear behind this kind of social anxiety is more about receiving a negative social response about a particular aspect of your identity or experience. This can look like fears of judgment for how you look, your sexuality or gender identity, your socioeconomic status, how you speak, your job or level of education, or stigmatized experiences you’ve had, such as surviving abuse.

I know it goes without saying, but judgment sucks. It reduces us to a diminished essence far below who we actually are, and if it’s for something about ourselves that we really can’t help, it can really hurt. The hurt we experience for being judged is also very contextual. It probably doesn’t hurt to the same degree if it’s cast by a total stranger, versus a close friend, versus someone we don’t really know but admire, versus a family member. My point is, it’s about who we anticipate doing the judging and how sensitive we are about being judged for that particular thing.

If you have anxieties about judgment, questions like these could be useful in helping address them:

• What are the things you’re most wary of being judged for?

• What is it about those particular things that makes them especially sensitive areas?

• What do the people who care most about you appreciate most about who you are?

  • Do they know about the areas you’re sensitive about? If they do, why do you suppose they’re still in the picture?

  • How do you imagine they’d respond if they knew you were judged for what you’re sensitive about?

• What do you imagine someone else’s judgment toward you would say about them?

  • Would their judgment speak more to fundamental problems with you, or to issues they have?

• If you were to be judged for something you’re sensitive about, who would you go to for support? How would that help your sense of value or dignity?

Reflecting on questions like these can be helpful because they can take some of the power away from things we’re afraid to be judged for. That may not change the reality that being judged can really hurt, but it helps us remember that we have what it takes to deal with it.

3.     Being seen or positioned as deficient, inadequate, or incompetent

The third common fear behind social anxiety relates to being deemed inadequate, deficient, or incompetent. This is similar to the anxiety around judgment described, but it has more to do with measuring up and being seen as “good enough”.

Being “good enough” is more or less synonymous with “acceptable”, and acceptance and belonging go hand-in-hand. Do you notice a pattern here? This just reaffirms the point that social anxiety has so much to do with belonging, and belonging has so much to do with dignity!

If you struggle to feel like you measure up in the company of others, here are some questions that could help you navigate those issues:

• If not “measuring up” feels like a scary or uncomfortable position to be in, what do you imagine to be the consequence?

  • What would it mean to you if that consequence was to come true?

• In your mind, where do the standards for “measuring up” come from?

• Is there anyone around whom it really doesn’t matter if they think you’re good enough or not?

  • Who does it feel it matters most around?

• Who accepts you for the person you are, regardless of how good you are at certain things?

• If there was a critic you knew you absolutely could not appeal to, how would you accept their negative view of you?

Just like being judged, being seen as inadequate or “not measuring up” is a total affront to your dignity, but you can’t win ‘em all. Finding ways to accept this and appreciate who you are for all the ways you DO shine may be a more useful way to look at yourself.

4.     Social anxiety in crowded spaces

The fourth and final common fear behind social anxiety that I’ll be touching on in this video has to do with being in crowded spaces.

There are plenty of reasons you might feel a sense of anxiety or panic in crowded areas. Often, this relates back to adverse or traumatic experiences people have had, which undermine their sense of safety in the community. That aside, you can probably relate to having an increased sense of tension in busy, crowded spaces, which is contrasted by feeling more relaxed and at ease in less densely-packed areas. No matter how you cut it, we tend to respond to busy spaces with more arousal.

Social anxiety in the context of big crowds is actually quite unique from the previous three kinds of fears. What differentiates it from the others is the focus on physical safety above belonging and dignity. When people feel anxious at the prospect of being in a large crowd of people, they tend to be less concerned with being judged or excluded, and more worried that something untoward them might happen.

If someone has experienced violence, or is fearful of encountering a person or situation that would be scary or uncomfortable for them, the solution isn’t as simple as saying “Just don’t worry about it! I’m sure you’ll be fine!”. If you think about it, it can be a lot harder to watch your back when there are a ton of other bodies milling around you. Sometimes there’s good sense behind our sensitivities and aversions!

If you struggle with anxiety around crowds or big groups of people, these questions could help you explore that in a constructive way:

• What makes crowded spaces different than those with fewer people when it comes to your anxiety level?

• What are you most wary of having happen when you’re in a crowded place?

• What precautions do you take to create safety when you’re entering crowded spaces?

• If you could imagine something happening that would take all your worries about this away, what would that be?

• How have you created safety in the past when you’ve felt fearful or unsafe going into crowded spaces?

  • When you reflect on that, what does that tell you about your capacity to handle hard situations?

When it comes to taking care of social anxiety around crowded spaces, the emphasis is generally more on bolstering your sense of safety so that you trust you’ll be taken care of in the ways you need to be. 

Being aware of your anxieties, fears, and worries can help you navigate them with intention. When you have a more robust understanding of the fears behind your social anxiety, it’s easier to negotiate with them and live in more preferred and expansive ways.

So, what kinds of social situations do you find you feel most anxious in, and why? Do you have strategies for navigating your own feelings of anxiety in social situations? If you have some thoughts or strategies to share, or any questions about the things I talked about in this video that the Heart & Oak community could help with, let us know in the comments below.

If this video has been interesting or helpful, go ahead and hit the “thumbs up” button below. For more helpful videos related to therapy and mental wellness, subscribe to our channel and hit the bell notification icon to make sure you stay in the loop.

Take care until next time, and keep doing the things that help you live a better, brighter life.

How Most Anxiety is Social Anxiety

There is one thing that almost everyone who feels anxiety can relate to. In this video, Will Bratt explains how and why most anxiety is social in nature, and why that matters when it comes to feeling more at ease in anxious moments.

Transcript

There is one common theme that almost everyone who feels anxiety can relate to. In this video I explain how and why most anxiety is social in nature, and why that matters when it comes to feeling more at ease in anxious moments. If you deal with anxiety, this video is for you. Keep watching!

Hi folks, I’m Will Bratt from Heart & Oak Therapy, supporting better, brighter lives. We’re Victoria BC therapists who do regular videos on mental wellness, and give practical ideas and tips to make your life happier and more fulfilling – so hit the subscribe button to keep in the loop!

 As a therapist, I have more conversations about anxiety than any other problem people experience. Because I’ve had so many of these conversations, I can’t help but ask, “What’s similar from person to person?”, “How are these experiences the same – even though they have their own unique differences?”

 I had an “Aha!” moment one day when I realized that so many people’s experiences of anxiety often tie back to relationships and social connections.

 Through helping people address their diverse experiences of anxiety, I’ve seen how realizing the specific social concerns at the heart of your anxiety can help you feel more empowered to take action in ways that make a big difference.

 So let’s dive in to how that works.

Anxiety is typically described as the emotional response to anticipated negative events or experiences. It draws our attention to what could happen, in the interest of avoiding negative outcomes. In this way, even if we don’t think it’s helpful, anxiety is primarily concerned with our safety.

 Now, we usually think of safety in terms of our physical wellbeing, but as relational creatures, our social wellbeing is also a valid need to consider. While we may not need the acceptance of others in order to survive physically, things like dignity, esteem, value, and worth, carry a lot of weight in the social world. If you’re skeptical, just ask anyone who has thought about ending their life after struggling against bullying, abuse, or social exclusion and rejection. Belonging matters and isolation can kill.

The importance of belonging is clear when we look at social anxiety. Most people who identify as having social anxiety describe it as fears and worries around rejection, exclusion, and humiliation – the other side of the coin from belonging and acceptance. But how does this common social denominator relate to other forms of anxiety? It’s really all about context and taking a deeper look at why we feel anxious about the things we do. 

It can be useful to start with a question like “What particular fears or concerns does your anxiety relate to the most?” The more specific you can be, the easier it is to really understand what it’s about. I’ve also linked a to a post from the Heart & Oak blog that goes into more detail, and includes other questions that can help you clarify the target of your anxiety with even more depth and accuracy.

Let me share a few examples to illustrate what I mean:

I had a recent session with someone who was feeling anxious and unsafe in a big new city. On the surface, it might have looked like he was experiencing agoraphobia, fearing that others might do him harm. But when we really got to the heart of his anxiety, he was ultimately afraid that some outside force would do him or his partner harm, and disrupt or undermine their relationship, which he cherished deeply.

I had another client who described feeling anxious about his health, worrying that he might get really sick with something like cancer. It would have been short sighted for me to assume that his anxiety was all about his health and mortality, as the more we talked about it, the clearer it became that he was ultimately afraid of losing the chance to get to know his family on a deeper level, and cultivate more fulfilling relationships with them.

Just to share one more example, I worked with a young woman who was terribly anxious about a lot of things, including driving, her health, and unexpected catastrophes. As we put her anxiety in context, she made it nice and clear that she had been through a lot of loss in her short life, and she was understandably afraid of losing her closest, most supportive and stable relation, which was her partner.

All three of these examples illustrate how anxieties that could have easily been misunderstood as very individual concerns were really and truly relational.

So what does all this mean? How can it be helpful and empowering being able to find the relational concerns at the heart of your anxiety? It’s all about making the context around your anxiety more tangible, and therefore easier to work with in effective ways. 

In all three of the examples I mentioned before, those people were able to directly address their relational concerns and issues behind their anxieties, and eventually feel way more at ease. Their anxieties went from being bad enough to require professional help, to way, way more manageable.

There are reasons behind everything, and anxiety is no exception to that. Recognizing the concerns that inform your own anxiety can give you something tangible to work with, which can ultimately help you feel more empowered and capable of managing your anxiety at its root.

Because anxiety is such a common human experience, it would be so helpful if you could leave a comment below about how you’ve addressed concerns that underlie your experiences of anxiety. Have you found success in reducing your anxiety by addressing troubling relationship situations? Whether you have, or if you have any questions about the social side of anxiety that the Heart & Oak community could help with, let us know in the comments below.

If this video has been interesting or helpful, go ahead and hit the “thumbs up” button below. For more helpful videos related to therapy and mental wellness, subscribe to our channel and hit the bell notification icon to make sure you stay in the loop.

Take care until next time, and keep doing the things that help you live a better, brighter life!

Body Positivity: Working with your Body to Create Healthful Changes

So, you want to change your body, but you’re eager to do it differently from the myriad of ways you’ve tried in the past. Or perhaps this is your first attempt at change, and want to make sure you’re taking the best approach possible –  so you’re doing a little bit of research.

Maybe you’ve heard of the terms “body positive” before, and you want to learn more about what it means, particularly within the context of weight-loss and body change.

Long story short, body positivity is a movement that supports all people in loving and accepting their bodies, no matter their size, shape, or appearance. It is focused on finding ways to experience genuine self-acceptance and self-love in the face of popular cultural ideas that suggest we ought to feel “less than” if we don’t measure up to the “ideal” standards of beauty.

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you are likely pretty familiar with the world of weight-loss. It’s big business. The most common approach to weight-loss and body change is to go on a diet, add in some exercise, and let those pounds melt off the body.

The prescription might be dressed up in different clothes (Paleo, Atkins, South Beach, Weight Watchers, Macros, Body Building), but the underlying message is the same. If your body looks and weighs more than the “ideal” standard range, then you are automatically deemed unhealthy and in need of a dramatic lifestyle change.

Not only does the culture of diet and weight loss lead people to experience a great deal of shame and insecurity over the size and appearance of their bodies as they are, but it also creates space for people to feel ashamed if they aren’t able to adhere to a regimented, oppressive diet or exercise program.

For a long time, I believed that I could punish my body into transforming into the size and shape that would put me into the category of “socially acceptable” and therefore beautiful. This was my solution to the shameful, insecure, hate-filled body image I held. I genuinely thought I was smarter than my body, and that all I needed to do was tell it who was boss, exert some will power to eat and exercise differently, and that it would easily submit to these constraints.

What I didn’t plan on was my body rebelling in pretty noticeable and significant ways. I can recognize now that my body resisted the oppressive nature of dieting with increased hunger and cravings for “unhealthy” foods that worked against the achievement of my goals (for a six pack and size two waist). I developed a thyroid autoimmune disease (hashimotos) that slowed down my metabolism, left me feeling lethargic, and all around crummy.

I experienced depression and anxiety, likely due to the limited nutrients and energy I was providing my body, along with the emotional toll of consistently trying and failing at an unattainable task. For a long time, I ignored my body’s rebellion. Instead of paying attention to the reasons my weight loss efforts weren’t working for me or my body, I chose to restrict further and further, rebounding with bouts of bingeing and purging, all while hoping that somehow it would all just magically work.

It wasn’t until I worked towards a collaborative, body positive approach, working with my body to improve my overall physical, mental, and emotional health, that my body easily and willingly changed and gave up some of the fat that was weighing me down.

Strengthen your relationship with your body

If you’re anything like me, you may have experienced a period of feeling incredibly disconnected from your body. For me, this consisted of ignoring pain and physical discomfort, overlooking my digestion and other general health markers, and discrediting feelings of hunger and fullness. I didn’t provide my body with any space to communicate its wants and needs to me because I needed to be in control as a means of getting to my ultimate goal of thinness.

I want to highlight that the reason for this disconnection was not random or by happenstance. Instead, there was a very understandable and logical reason for avoiding being in my body.

For me, disconnecting was a sure-fire way to resist the emotional pain from being a victim of sexualized violence. The more I could numb and avoid my feelings by indulging in or restricting food, the safer and more in control I felt. At the same time, this resistance became a prison, where I felt trapped by my drive to escape, in concert with a desire for my body to look and feel differently.

I share this piece with you so that you can reflect on the very good reasons you may have for being disconnected from your own body. This is when talking about the bigger stuff, the reasons for disconnection, can be incredibly helpful in the process of shifting the relationship with your body. It can be worth considering how you can set up safeguards for you to explore how you can feel safe and secure in your body in a manageable and reasonable way. This could look like reaching out for support from someone you trust to talk through what you have experienced or engaging in some self-care practices that are focused on healing your body from past hurts.

By working through the cause of disconnection, you create space to bond with and support your body more freely and genuinely. This can provide you with the freedom to consider all that your body does for you, and how you can honestly appreciate its existence.

Laying this foundation of understanding and collaboration allows you to work with your body, as opposed to against it. A great next step is to put your detective cap on (do detective still wear caps?) and investigate all of the different ways your body communicates its likes, dislikes, and needs to you.

Some guiding questions you can use to explore your body include:

• How does your body communicate its wants and needs to you?
• What sensations help get these messages across, and how does it feel when you take care of them?
• When does your body feel best?
• When does it feel strongest?
• When does it feel most relaxed?
• When does it feel most well?
• How does your body’s physical appearance represent its health and wellness, and to what extent?
• What feels right for your body? How does it enjoy being treated?
• At what point does the amount of body fat impede or support your body’s wellness?

As you build a stronger relationship with your body, it will become far easier to determine what you and your unique body deem to be “healthy”.

Collaborate with your body to create goals that serve you and your body’s best interests

Working with your body to create goals can support you in cultivating a foundation of health and wellness far beyond a number on a scale. For example, considering how your body feels, beyond being a certain size, provides you with greater feedback for your efforts.

You can consider the various ways in which your body communicates through:

• sleep
• digestion
• energy
• concentration
• mood
• hormones
• body temperature
• hunger
• strength
• immunity
• cardiovascular conditioning
• breathing
• hair, skin, nails

Standard health meters, such as heart rate, sleep, and digestion, can be starting points for exploring your body and how it is presently living. At the same time, it’s important to remember that these measures are based on the norm, and as such, cannot provide a full, detailed explanation of your unique body’s wellness.

To go a step further, you need to reflect on what these health metrics mean to you:

• How does it feel in your body to be living in this way?
• What would it feel like to have deeper, more restful sleeps?
• What would it feel like to have the opposite?
• What would it feel like to have consistent energy throughout the day?
• What would you be able to do?
• What would it feel like to have energy crashes throughout the day?
• How would you respond to this?

The benefits of taking this approach include gaining a clearer understanding of what you and your body are working towards, and how you will be able to know when you get there. Further, setting goals like these stands in contrast to the cultural ideas that you are working to resist (like that ideal health is only achieved in a thin, slender body).

By engaging in this type of body positive approach, you can take pride in knowing that you are taking a stand against principles that you don’t agree with.

Create goals that are measurable, attainable, and maintainable

Slow and steady truly wins the race, particularly when it comes to your body. Your body is designed to hold onto fat to keep you alive when food is scarce, and it will rebel (i.e. save your life) when it believes you are starving.

Measurable feedback beyond weight and size is more indicative of overall health, and provides you with positive reinforcement of the great care you’re taking of your body (even if it doesn’t show up as pounds lost). For example, choosing foods that leave your tummy feeling great and energize you for an entire work day provides you with feedback that your body is happy and supported to live the life that you want.

One way to go about goal setting in a reasonable way is to begin by separating a page into three columns. In the first column, write out a list of all of the ways you and your body would like to change.

In the second column, write out the actions that would be necessary to meet those goals.

In the third column, write out how you will know that you are on the right path to reaching those goals.

Reflect on that list and consider the actions that would have the greatest overall impact on meeting your goals.

• Is it realistic for you to make this change?
• Is it maintainable long term?

Start with one thing that you can do differently to meet your goals, do it as consistently as possible, and reflect on the differences it makes to you and your body each day.

By starting small and achieving that task, you will build confidence, momentum, and pride in knowing that you have the ability to make positive changes that meet both you and your body’s needs.

It’s important to remember that this is a dramatically different approach to changing your body than the standard “eat this, not that” doctrine. It’s about adopting body positivity and shifting your relationship to your body as a means to support sustainable, positive physiological changes.

Creating this shift can take time because it is so different for most people. Therefore, this is an opportunity to be kind and patient with yourself as you take on this courageous journey.

Remember: YOU CAN DO THIS! And, the reward of feeling good IN your body because you have a great, collaborative, and communicative relationship far exceeds any benefit to finally hitting that ideal number on the scale.