How Defensiveness Hurts Your Relationship

Transcript

We’ve all been there. That moment when someone says something that immediately gets your back up. You’re left with the instinctive feeling of being under attack, and the impulse is to defend. And in this defence of yourself, you might notice yourself getting heated and saying something to criticize or attack back. And suddenly you find yourself in heated conflict, unsure of how you got here and what to do next.

If you’ve noticed defensiveness coming up for you in your relationships, stay tuned to learn how to make sense of defensiveness, and what can potentially be done about it in your relationships.

Hi everyone, I’m Laura Brown from Heart & Oak Therapy, supporting better, brighter lives. We’re relationship counsellors in Victoria BC who do regular videos on mental wellness, and give you practical ideas and tips to make your life happier and more fulfilling – so hit the subscribe button to keep in the loop!

First and foremost, you might be wondering, what is defensiveness? Well, it’s simply the attempt to defend yourself against a perceived attack or threat. Defensiveness is often talked about as a problematic way to deal with conflict in relationships because of what that attempt to defend sounds and looks like. Most often when we refer to defensiveness, we are speaking to the tendency to attack or criticize back or shut down the conversation altogether. Responding with defensiveness can be a problem when it gets in the way of hearing the true intention behind the message and amplifying the misunderstanding or conflict by hurting the other person back. Who may then respond with defensiveness to your message, snowballing things until you find yourself in a nasty mess and unsure of how to resolve it.

Defensiveness can be unique to each person, and can be influenced by a whole host of factors. How we interpret that message can be influenced by the how the other person packages that message – the tone, the choice of words, body language, and the environment they choose to deliver that message in. For example, you may attribute greater meaning that the words conveyed when someone uses an aggressive tone of voice, is standing over you, and is doing so in front of a crowd of people. Someone could say the exact same words using a softer tone, with open body language, and in private, that leaves you with an entirely different interpretation of the message.

This goes to show that we use a whole host of intel to interpret messages, which is why it is so important to consider the full context of when and how defensiveness comes up for you.

Beyond how the other person delivers this message, the way in which you interpret it can also be influenced by what is happening for you presently. Things like your present mood, your energy levels, the amount of sleep you have, and what you’re focused on can all contribute to how you interpret what someone is saying to you. 

For example, I am 100% guilty of getting extremely hangry at times. You’ve heard this concept before – the brutal reality that some people experience when their blood sugar drops and their left in a terrible state of anger and hunger. When I forget to eat and find myself feeling this way, it is incredibly hard for me NOT to get defensive. Even though his intention behind a message may be one of sincere care and concern, and is delivered in a way that clearly suggests this intention, I can hear it as an attack. And given the state I’m in, it’s likely for me to be pretty nasty in response to this. Honestly, some of our worst fights have been in large part because of my unbridled hanger.

In addition to how your feeling in the present moment, how and what someone says to you can also be perceived as an attack depending on the meaning you make what is said. Perhaps it reminds you of something you have felt criticized for in the past, by the person giving the message or someone else entirely. Or it could touch on something that you feel sensitive about, and that you could potentially address in a constructive way to heal or work through that sensitivity.

I’m going to use a really silly example from my own relationship to highlight a sensitivity that I noticed coming up when Will has made comments about me burping. Now, I want to make one thing clear, Will DESPISES burping, he thinks it’s disgusting – even more disgusting than farting. And I have a love for fizzy drinks, which can lead to unintentional burping on my part. This is now even more problematic because I’m pregnant and have a harder time controlling it. 

In addition to this, I’ve also become more sensitive as to whether or not Will finds me as attractive because my body is changing so much. In no way has Will done anything to contribute to this sensitivity, and I truly didn’t even realize this was an issue for me until Will commented one night on my burping. Usually when he would call out how gross he finds it, I would tease him back or flippantly say sorry, and then let it go. We have a pretty open relationship where we don’t tend to take offense when we call out the gross things the other one does. 

But the other night I perceived it as criticism and became super defensive in response, arguing that he was incredibly mean and rude for saying anything given my pregnant condition. He was left a bit flabbergasted and responded with a bit of defensiveness back. And before we knew it, we had a big ol misunderstanding on our hands. It took me taking a step back and questioning why I was so offended by what he had said that I came to realize my sensitivity. In expressing the real reason for why I was offended by him, Will expressed that his comment in no way reflected his level of attraction or love for me. 

So, what can be done about defensiveness? One of the best ways to shift your relationship with defensiveness is to become aware of when and how it happens for you. First, make sense of it for yourself, and in that noticing you can hold that feeling while also assessing its validity.

Whenever defensiveness comes up for you, you have an opportunity to determine whether or not the person delivering the message truly intended to criticize or attack you. You can ask yourself, why did I interpret this as an attack or why do I feel offended? What did the other person say or do that had me responding with this feeling? In finding the answers to these questions you can then inform the person of your interpretation. This can be done without a critique of the person, but rather a clear, direct acknowledgment of why and how you came to feel the way that you did.

Pulling from the burp example, instead of criticizing Will for what he said, I could have responded by saying “When you said my burping was disgusting, I was hurt because it made me think you don’t find me attractive”

Of course, this is an ideal response, and one that may not arise in the very moment that the conversation is happening. However, even having this type of conversation well after the fact is useful because it offers you an opportunity to reflect, be curious, and be vulnerable in a way that can lead to greater understanding and trust between you two. It also requires a sense of emotional safety from your partner to provide you with the space to be truly vulnerable in this way.

When you take steps to become aware of defensiveness, it opens you up to hearing the message in the way it was intended to be heard. By alerting you to the reasons why you do not initially interpret the message in this way, it offers you and your partner an opportunity to look at how you communicate, and what could be done differently to avoid misunderstandings in the future. It also gives you space to really consider how the two of you want to treat one another when things are going well, as well as when conflict and misunderstandings develop.

And now, turning it over to you, the Heart and Oak community. What has your experience been with defensiveness? What have you done to respond differently, even when you feel under attack of criticized? Share in the comment section below!

If this video has been interesting or helpful, go ahead and hit the “thumbs up” button below. For more helpful videos related to therapy and mental wellness, subscribe to our channel and hit the bell notification icon to make sure you stay in the loop.

Take care until next time, and keep doing the things that help you live a better, brighter life!

Things NOT to Say in a Fight With Your Partner

Transcript

One thing that almost all couples can relate to is conflict, and feeling regret after saying something hurtful in the heat of the moment. If you and your partner are tired of conflict that just seems to drive you apart, then this video is for you. Keep watching to learn some key things to avoid when conflict arises, so that you can feel closer and more connected!

Hi everyone, I’m Laura Brown from Heart & Oak Therapy, supporting better, brighter lives. We’re Victoria BC therapists who do regular videos on mental wellness, and give you practical ideas and tips to make your life happier and more fulfilling – so hit the subscribe button to keep in the loop!

In my practice, I love working with couples to help them discover new and better ways of relating to one another during conflicts. It truly is the most common reason that most couples seek my help. Let’s be honest, most people aren’t interested in learning how to communicate when they are getting along perfectly well. The problem instead, is struggling to find ways to work through disagreements in constructive ways.

It is all too common for couples to feel incredibly frustrated, hurt, and exhausted by the ways in which one or both partners treat the other when they’re fighting. For a lot of couples, the frustration of attempting to find resolution can feel impossible. So a lot of conflicts are left unresolved, with feelings of resentment and hurt piling up and disrupting their connection. 

One awesome thing about couples counselling is that it can help partners quickly learn that it’s not about trying to avoid conflict – a nearly impossible feat - Instead, it’s all about finding different, more helpful ways of working through disagreements. So let’s talk about what NOT to say or do when you feel challenged by your partner.

One of the most important ways to communicate in the heat of a conflict is to avoid criticizing, attacking, and name calling. Examples of these things include:

 “What’s wrong with you? Are you an idiot?! How do you not know how to do this?!” Statements like these can be on the cusp of, or outright, bonefide verbal and emotional abuse, because, to a greater or lesser degree, they are degrading, humiliating, and opporessive. If statements like these are done consistently over time, they can serve the purpose of asserting power and dominance over the other partner, as opposed to a rare expression if frustration.

Avoiding this way of communicating is so important because you cannot take words back. Once they are said, and the hurt is felt by the partner on the other end, there is a whole new issue to deal with – reconciling after a nasty attack. This kind of behaviour sets the stage for more hurt, and escalates the conflict and tension between you. It’s also problematic because it distracts you both from the original issue, which makes it harder to get to a place of resolution.

If one or both of you notice that you criticize, attack, or insult your partner during conflicts, then there are some ways to change this.

First and foremost, one of the most helpful things you can do is begin paying close attention to what you do when conflict arises. If you feel angry, afraid, or otherwise upset, slow down and assess what it is you are feeling and thinking about the situation at hand, and how you are expressing this with your partner. 

Play detective and really get to know the full context of what is happening before, during, and after you criticize, attack, or insult. It can be an uncomfortable process, acknowledging and owning actions you may not be proud of, but as hard as it may be, the benefit makes this process worth it. Also, the fact that you are experiencing discomfort shows that you know this type of behaviour is wrong, and it’s worth listening to your own moral compass.

After you have a thorough understanding of what goes on for you and your partner during conflicts, and how you come to communicate with criticism, attacks, or name calling, you can begin to explore better alternatives. Consider how you want to communicate in a more desirable way that you can be proud of.

One way to do this is to explore factors that help you to communicate with kindness and compassion, even when you feel angry or hurt.

Some questions that can help you get to this place of understanding include:

• What kind of mood do you need to be in to say your piece in a kind, clear, and direct way?

• Where do you need to be?

• What do you need to do?

• What can your partner do to support you in communicating in this way?

• How can you hold yourself accountable to communicate in this way?

One thing I want to stress here is that you are absolutely responsible for your own behaviour, so if you have a hard time addressing your partner in kind ways when you feel challenged, it’s not your partner’s job to just avoid doing the things you feel challenged by – provided they are reasonable and not abusive. With the exception of abusive behaviour, you’re not being accountable if you say, “In order for me to treat you with kindness and patience, I need you to stop leaving your dirty clothes on the floor”

So, notice and assess how and when you feel challenged by your partner, consider how you can express that in clear, direct, and kind ways, and be open to working WITH your partner on making things better for both of you.

By learning to communicate with more kindness in the midst of conflict, you will build a greater level of trust, a more egalitarian dynamic, and the emotional safety to be vulnerable and to truly connect on a deeper level with your partner.

When you are able to cultivate a relationship with this type of communication, the two of you will have greater freedom to make mistakes, learn, and grow together.

I want to make one thing clear: it is absolutely possible to change the way you communicate, by putting in some attention, time, accountability, and effort.

I have been lucky enough to watch couples work together, to hear and understand one another’s positions, and find resolution in kind, respectful ways that ease frustrations and hurt feelings. Old conflicts that have yet to be resolved can be revisited and worked through to heal old hurts.

And now I’m turning it over to you, the Heart and Oak Community. What has your experience been with criticizing, attacking, or name calling during conflicts? What have you done to challenge yourself or your partner to find new, preferred ways of working through conflicts?

If this video has been interesting or helpful, go ahead and hit the “thumbs up” button below. For more helpful videos related to therapy and mental wellness, subscribe to our channel and hit the bell notification icon to make sure you stay in the loop.

Take care until next time, and keep doing the things that help you live a better, brighter life!

Cheating in Relationships: Why Do People Do It?

Transcript

Finding out your partner has been unfaithful can feel devastating. Being unfaithful yourself can leave you ridden with guilt, shame, and confusion about your relationship. If you’re trying to understand why people cheat, this video is for you!

Hi everyone, I’m Laura Brown from Heart & Oak Therapy, supporting better, brighter lives. We’re therapists who do regular videos on mental wellness, and give you practical ideas and tips to make your life happier and more fulfilling – so hit the subscribe button to keep in the loop!

Whether someone has cheated once or many times, it is generally a wakeup call that something isn’t quite right for at least one person in a relationship. But before we dive into that, let’s get on the same page with what “cheating” means.

Cheating is any type of behaviour that crosses either the spoken or unspoken boundaries set by partners in a relationship. For most couples, faithfulness is an assumed part of a committed relationship – and often doesn’t get talked about in explicit ways unlesssomeone is unfaithful. Simply put, “cheating” is breaking the rules that you and your partner set for each other.

For some, this may mean engaging with someone outside of the relationship sexually, emotionally, or both. Having sex with someone else is pretty clear and straight forward, whereas having an emotional affair can be a little more nuanced. 

An emotional affair consists of forming an emotional, intimate bond with someone outside of the relationship. The feeling you share with this person is different from a platonic connection – there is an affectionate, potentially flirtatious, and emotionally charged dynamic that develops. 

People cheat for all sorts of reasons. And there is no “one size fits all” explanation. However, there are some general themes that can serve as a starting point to begin understanding why people choose to cheat. So let’s dive in and take a look at what some of those reasons are.

One reason why people cheat is because the unfaithful partner is dealing with a personal struggle or issue.

For example, I worked with a client who expressed how he was committed and in love with his partner, but found himself cheating on her repeatedly. When we first began working together, he said that he believed he had a sex addiction, and that cheating was based on an uncontrollable urge that he wanted to stop, but that he couldn’t figure out how to.

Throughout our conversations, it soon became clear that cheating served a purpose for him. As much as he didn’t want to hurt his girlfriend and be unfaithful, he would pursue other women in response to experiencing anxiety. The pursuit of other women, in spite of the risk to his present relationship, served as a distraction from his anxious feelings. As we explored the problem further, he shared that he enjoyed the thrill-seeking nature of cheating, and that it made him in feeling more alive. Once we were able to nail down what cheating did for him and what benefit it brought to his life (along with the obvious cost), he was soon able to find new ways of having those needs met that did not involve cheating.

So realizing the personal longing or need that cheating satisfies can help you recognize other ways to address them without the potentially negative consequences of being unfaithful.

A second reason that people cheat is because they feel dissatisfied with some aspect of their present relationship. Now, before I go on, I want to make one thing crystal clear: I am in no way suggesting that the partner who gets cheated on is somehow responsible for their partner’s behaviour. Making sense of people’s choices is not a means to place blame on the other partner. 

Being in a long term committed relationship can be hard, even for those couples who seem to have the “perfect” relationship. It can be common for couples to become accustomed to a particular dynamic, which can be hard to change without a lot of conscious effort and work. When this dynamic becomes unsatisfying to one or both partners, people may respond by looking outside of the relationship for an escape or a way to have their needs met by others.

I have worked with couples where one partner chose to cheat in response to longing for more physical and emotional affection and attention. Cheating can be a way to have this need met, as opposed to working with your partner to find solutions that you can both agree on. 

If you are considering cheating or have already cheated in response to a sense of dissatisfaction, take a close look at your relationship and ask yourself what it is you are longing for. What do you need more of to become satisfied? Is your partner aware of how you feel? If so, how have you communicated this, and how did they respond? Does your partner understand and validate your experience? Do they want to work with you to find solutions? 

Not unlike with the first reason, identifying the relationship longings behind a partner’s decision to cheat can create opportunities make the relationship more satisfying and sustainable.

Another reason that people may choose to cheat is because they realize they are unhappy in their relationship, and are looking for a way out. This could be something that they are fully aware of, or it could be an underlying feeling that they have yet to address. 

If they are aware that they want to end the relationship, they may be experiencing a lot of guilt or concern of how their partner or others might respond. Perhaps they are avoiding the reality of where they are at, trying to escape the sense of guilt for being the one to call it quits, and finding themselves drawn to the idea of entering a new relationship.

Unfortunately, even if the cheating partner has good intentions by wanting not to hurt their significant other, cheating usually hurts so much more than just being straight and honest about things just not working for them.

The fourth reason as to why someone might cheat is related to a longing for a sense of power or control. Sometimes people who describe themselves as having “commitment issues” feel scared of being “locked down” by a monogamous relationship. For them, cheating is a means to feel like they’re not losing their power to a commitment that trumps their free will.

Of course, no relationship should undermine anyone’s right to consent, whether we’re talking about in the bedroom, or the relationship in general. If someone thinks that they need to cheat in order to preserve their sense of autonomy, it can be helpful to acknowledge those worries and arrive at an understanding that puts those fears to rest.

The final reason why someone might cheat that I’ll be touching on in this video relates to a desire to hurt their partner in a malicious way. Perhaps the cheating partner feels resentment toward their significant other, or has been hurt by something they’ve done in the past. Or maybe they feel dismissed or not taken seriously, so they use cheating as a way to show their partner what they’re capable of. In this way, cheating can be a means to get back at a partner in a way that really hurts. This can also be an abuse tactic, as an affront to the relationship and their partner’s dignity.

If this is the case, and you want to avoid cheating, these are often issues that can be addressed in more direct and therefore effective ways. If the vulnerability needed to talk openly about hurts, resentments, and other hard experiences doesn’t feel safety, this is where talking to a skilled couples counsellor can really help. It offers a space to address what needs to be talked about so that more constructive action can be taken. 

So, as hard as cheating can be for a relationship, addressing it creates an opportunity to take care other important issues. This can actually lead to more closeness, intimacy, trust, and connection, if handled well.

Now turning it over to you, the Heart and Oak community: Are there other reasons a partner might cheat that I didn’t address in this video? Which reason stuck out to you the most, and what did it get you thinking? Be sure to let us know in the comment section!

If this video has been interesting or helpful, go ahead and hit the “thumbs up” button below. For more helpful videos related to therapy and mental wellness, subscribe to our channel and hit the bell notification icon to make sure you stay in the loop.

Take care until next time, and keep doing the things that help you live a better, brighter life!

Is it OK for Couples to Fight?!

Transcript

Have you and your partner have been bickering or full on fighting more than ever? No matter what you do to try and resolve it, you’re encountering the same thing time and time again. And now you’re worried that it might mean something bigger about your relationship. 

Conflict in relationships can be a messy, confusing issue. You can probably relate to just wanting to get along with your partner without any tension or fighting. In this video I answer the age-old question – is it okay for couples to fight? The answer might surprise you, so keep watching!

Hi everyone, I’m Laura Brown from Heart & Oak Therapy, supporting better, brighter lives. We’re therapists who do regular videos on mental wellness, and give practical ideas and tips to make your life happier and more fulfilling – so hit the subscribe button to keep in the loop!

Conflict can look different for every couple. For some, it’s a quiet, private event, with little verbal communication exchanged. For others, it can be pretty heated, with each partner asserting their point of view to be “right”. Usually there’s feelings of annoyance, frustration, anger, and or hurt – which people respond to in lots of different ways.

Just to clarify, when I refer to conflict, I’m talking about people in relationships not getting along. Although sometimes these things get confused for one another, I’m NOT referring to violence or abuse, which is a fundamentally different issue altogether. I’m happy to make a video clarifying the difference between fighting and violence or abuse another time.

The issues behind a conflict can be just about anything – anything that you and your partner may have a different belief, feeling, or opinion on. It’s usually about something that matters to one or both of you, and a point of difference or disagreement.

Regardless of how you disagree or what you disagree over, some couples can find it really draining to experience a lot of conflict, and you might be wondering what it means about your relationship if and when you do fight. 

Well, let’s dive in and explore the ins and outs of conflict.

So, if you’re like a lot of people, you might presume that a healthy relationship is one where you get along all the time, and that fighting is the worst thing for your relationship.

While I can understand the appeal of never fighting, I think it’s totally unrealistic to expect to have conflict-free relationship. Because you and your partner are two people with different life experiences and perspectives, conflict is bound to arise!

The way me and a lot of relationship experts see it, conflict itself isn’t a problem, it’s how you respond to conflict that matters. In fact, I would argue that it can be problematic to continuously avoid having conflict when there’s an issue to address. 

Why, you may ask? Because avoiding conflict doesn’t mean that there aren’t issues like hurt feelings or resentments to address. Engaging in conflict constructively can actually help us clear the air and become even closer.

Avoiding conflict can be a fast track to resentment because you aren’t able to come to a place of resolution. Resentment can act like a dead, silent weight on a relationship that can eat away at the love you share.

Speaking of resentment, not only is it more likely to hang around when we avoid conflict, it can also build when you and your partner do engage in conflict, but struggle to find resolution. When conflict is half-heartedly dropped because it seems impossible to talk through it, nothing changes in the long term.

So how can couples fight in helpful and constructive ways?

First, get a sense of whether or not you, as a couple, struggle when it comes to conflict. Do you or your partner avoid fighting like the plague by keeping concerns to yourself, or withdrawing when your partner raises an issue, or saying what you think the other person wants to hear? Does one of you get aggressive or defensive even before anyone has said something hurtful? My main point here is: assess how you respond to issues in the relationship.

Having a clearer sense of how things tend to go wrong when it comes to fighting in your relationship can give you an idea of what to do about it. Depending on the situation, it can be as simple as being mindful of what you say and do when issues come up. But sometimes it’s less straightforward, like when it’s clear that there are personal issues that need to be worked through before the conflict gets easier. In cases like that, it can help to reach out to a therapist or to do some personal work in your own way.

A third helpful tip is to be aware of your energy levels when engaging with challenging issues together. Ask yourselves what energy you each have to openly and compassionately address the real issues. This is an opportunity for you both to respect where you’re at, and understand that both low and charged emotions can make it hard to work together as a team.

When you feel that you’re in a space to openly hear one another, you can begin by exploring each of your feelings about past or present hurts, and listen openly to what your partner has to say about it. What was it like for you during that conflict? How did you feel when it was happening?

And this brings me to one more tip: work on really listening to your partner. This means listening without interrupting, without forming a rebuttal, without judgment, and without defensiveness. It means being curious without making assumptions. Practice asking questions that help you understand your partner’s perspective, rather than arguing against them, or, on the other hand, telling them what you think they want to hear.

 So, it isn’t really about whether or not you and your partner have conflict in your relationship. What counts is how you respond and engage with it. 

When conflict is used as an exercise to learn about one another and demonstrate love, compassion, and respect, conflict resolution can be a great opportunity to grow together. Getting to this place is possible if you both invest the time and energy to do things a little bit differently.

Now turning it over to you, the heart and oak community: What do you think about fighting in relationships? What are some ways you’ve experienced it helping or hindering your own connection with partners? Let us know in the comment section!

If this video has been interesting or helpful, go ahead and hit the “thumbs up” button below. For more helpful videos related to therapy and mental wellness, subscribe to our channel and hit the bell notification icon to make sure you stay in the loop. 

Take care until next time, and keep doing the things that help you live a better, brighter life!

Couples Counselling: Will it Work For You?

Transcript

Couples counselling can feel like a daunting and scary undertaking, but it can also make a world of difference for struggling relationships. In this video I address some of the most common ways that couples counselling can help your relationship, so that you have a better idea of what to expect. Stay tuned to learn how a skilled counsellor can help you turn down the struggle and turn up the satisfaction!

Hi everyone, I’m Laura Brown from Heart & Oak Therapy, supporting better, brighter lives. We’re therapists who do regular videos on mental wellness, and give you practical ideas and tips to make your life happier and more fulfilling – so hit the subscribe button to keep in the loop!

Realizing that your relationship could use a little outside help can be a big, important step toward making things better.

Unfortunately, there’s a still a whole lot of stigma out there when it comes to doing therapy, especially couples counselling. I hear it all the time – “the right relationship should be easy”, “if it’s meant to be, it will just work”, or that “love is all you need”. And let’s not forget about the social pressure to make it work at any cost. 

Then, on the flip side, there’s the belief that if you aren’t satisfied in your relationship, it’s better to cut your losses than to keep trying to make it work. All of these mixed messages and ideas can leave a lot of couples feeling confused, hopeless, and stuck!

So how can couples counselling help you go from feeling discouraged to secure in your relationship? Allow me to explain!

One of the most common reasons couples seek therapy is because they struggle to work through conflict in helpful and constructive ways.

Just about anyone who has been in a relationship can agree that it can be incredibly hard to find better ways to work through conflict when we’re the ones in the middle of it! It can be hard to hear your own tone, remember the content of what you say, and understand why your partner responds the way they do to it all. And digging into these details after the fact can bring up old hurts and frustrations.

The benefit of bringing in a third party, like a therapist, is that you and your partner are given the space to have your points of view heard by an unbiased professional. This creates a level of safety for both of you to share, have your perspectives reflected back to both of you, and ultimately understand each other better.

A couples counsellor can serve as a guide for you to find resolution to conflict by asking questions that encourage you both to validate one another’s perspectives. Doing this in a genuine way can support you both in softening any feelings of hurt and anger, creating space for compassion, understanding, and forgiveness. 

One way to know if this is a struggle that you and your partner are facing is by asking yourselves what usually happens when conflict arises in the relationship. How do you each respond, and how do you find resolution? Does it feel like you get stuck, or that big issues don’t get fully resolved? If so, this is one way a couples counsellor can help.

If it seems like this could be a helpful thing to work on, look into connecting with a counsellor who is skilled at supporting couples in developing effective ways of communicating. It’s important for you both to feel a connection with this counsellor, and that each one of you are treated fairly, without judgment.

The benefit of taking this step is that the two of you learn really effective strategies for communicating, which helps to create a stronger foundation that will support you in getting through all sorts of challenges down the road.

Another familiar problem that many couples face is feeling disconnected from one another, or out of sync.

It’s really easy for life to get in the way of focusing on the relationship, and for you to wake up one day and realize that you are both in a bit of a rut. This can feel like an overwhelming and scary realization, that can lead to lots of questions about the future of your relationship if the spark isn’t rekindled quickly.

If this is an experience you are familiar with, then getting the support of a skilled couples counsellor can be really helpful. This person can offer you valuable feedback and help you collaborate to create the changes you both desire.

Couples counselling offers a space to engage in an open, frank conversation about where the relationship is currently at, and how you both would like things to be different. 

When deciding who to reach out to, both of you can consider the support you need from a counsellor, and what both of you are looking for in terms of help.

In this way, relationship counselling helps hold you both accountable to focus on the relationship, giving it the attention you need to restore your connection.

 Another common reason that couples seek therapy is in response to a loss of trust between partners. This can be due to a transgression by one or both of you against the other, and couples counselling offers an avenue to heal and move past the hurt.

When trust has been shaken, it can be really hard to work together to make things whole again. Maybe one or both of you feel invalidated by the other, or that you aren’t given the space to feel how you feel about the situation. There might also be a lack of accountability taken for the wrongdoing that is getting in the way of forgiveness and healing.  

In situations like this, couples counselling offers an opportunity for the two of you to talk about what has happened in the relationship within a safe space. The upside of any struggle in a relationship, even those that feel huge and hard to overcome, is that they offer a chance for you to heal past hurts and create a stronger foundation of connection and trust.

For couples, reaching out for support doesn’t have to mean that your relationship is doomed and beyond repair. Instead, it can be a sign of the commitment that the two of you share in having a more desirable and fulfilling relationship. 

If this video has been interesting or helpful, go ahead and hit the “thumbs up” button below. For more helpful videos related to therapy and mental wellness, subscribe to our channel and hit the bell notification icon to make sure you stay in the loop.

Take care until next time, and keep doing the things that help you live a better, brighter life.

Body Positivity and Weight Loss Myths

Body positivity is an amazing movement that supports people in experiencing greater love and acceptance of their bodies, regardless of their size, weight, or shape. But can you be body positive and also have a desire to lose weight or pursue fitness goals?

Transcript:

Body positivity is an amazing movement that supports people in experiencing greater love and acceptance of their bodies, regardless of their size, weight, or shape. But can you be body positive and also have a desire to lose weight or pursue fitness goals? Keep watching to find out!

Hi everyone, I’m Laura Brown from Heart & Oak Therapy, supporting better, brighter lives. We’re therapists who do regular videos on mental wellness, and give practical ideas and tips to make your life happier and more fulfilling – so hit the subscribe button to keep in the loop!

Body positivity is all about loving and accepting your body at any size and shape. It’s an empowering movement that has offered people an alternative to the very limited and oppressive idea that only skinny equals healthy, beautiful, and loveable.

I personally love this point of view, but I know some people struggle to feel at peace with loving their bodies while also having the desire to feel different on a physical level. So, can you have the desire to look or feel fitter, healthier, or leaner, while also loving and celebrating your body for what it is? Or is that just one big contradiction? Let’s get right into that!

For starters, the body positivity movement really came about in response to mainstream western beauty standards, which tell us that for women and femme folks, thinness is god. Just think of all the magazine covers in the grocery store, and all the ads on the TV and online that tell you that you need to lose weight! We’re so inundated with these messages that they often blend in to the landscape and we don’t always realize that they’re even there!

Unlike all those ads promoting weight loss and lean physiques, the body positivity movement tells people of all genders that you’re a-ok just the way you are! It’s about appreciating bodies for qualities other than those that get celebrated by the mainstream culture, and saying “you’re good enough” no matter what package you come in. In fact, from a body-positive perspective, the package you come in is GREAT!

But things get complicated when we start wondering, “Can I want to lose weight or strive to achieve fitness goals AND be body positive?”; “If I have a desire to lose weight, does that mean I’m being body-negative or hating my body?!” It’s tricky, but it’s ultimately about your reasons for wanting to make those changes.

For example, wanting to lose weight so that someone else will like you more, or to gain outside approval, or to finally be “good enough”, sounds much more like it’s about measuring up to negative mainstream beauty standards.

On the flip side, reasons like wanting to feel fitter, or to be able to do more with your body in terms of movement, or to have more energy, are about creating a more satisfying existence. They’re not coming from a place of “Your body’s not good enough so you need to make it better!” They’re coming from a place of “My body would feel better if this thing changed”. That doesn’t mean it’s inadequate the way it is, it just means there’d be some tangible benefit to releasing some fat, or gaining strength or flexibility.

If the idea of body positivity is new to you, then start by considering how you want to feel on an emotional, mental, and physical level. It’s about separating culture’s idea of what an “ideal” body looks like from how you feel in your body – what your experience of living in your body is.

When I talk about your emotional relationship to your body, I’m referring to the ways in which you want to feel about your body. Some feelings you may yearn to have are love, care, appreciation, happiness, or joy. So, ask yourself - how do you want to feel about your body, with no strings attached? You can also ask yourself how you want to express those feelings toward your body, and what makes it hard for you to feel that way all the time?

When it comes to relating to your body on a mental level, I’m talking about how you want to think about your body.  Perhaps you want to think of it highly, respecting all that it does for you on a daily basis. Again, ask yourself – how do you want to think about your body? What do you want to appreciate about it most of all? What makes it hard to do this now?

Considering the physical needs of your body requires open and honest communication between you and your body. The struggle for all of us is that the body doesn’t tend to use words to communicate. Instead, it uses physical feelings and sensations to send us messages about how it is doing. This often looks and feels like a sense of wellness or illness.

If you are struggling to communicate and hear your body’s needs and wants clearly, then please feel free to check out our video that goes into detail about how to strengthen this bond.

A great way to start is to really consider how your body feels, and how that relates to standard measures of physical wellness. Some basic physical markers of wellness to consider are:

• Energy levels

• Sleep

• Digestion

• Pain

• Hormonal balance

• Strength

• Endurance

• Comfort versus discomfort

Once you have come to realize what areas of your physical health you would like to improve, there are a ton of resources for supporting you in making these changes. I’ve linked to some good ones in the description below.

Body positivity is all about feeling good in your own skin – accepting your body in spite of mainstream ideas about what is beautiful, healthy, and ideal.

In order to improve the way you feel in your body, it could mean dropping a few pounds. It could mean gaining some. But, it is important to note that this all dependent upon you and your unique physiology.

Now I’m gonna turn it over to you, the Heart and Oak community! If you’re already family with body positivity, how have you found these ideas helpful? If body positivity is new to you, how might it help with your own relationship to your body? Make sure to let us know in the comment section!

If this video has been interesting or helpful, go ahead and hit the “thumbs up” button below. For more helpful videos related to therapy and mental wellness, subscribe to our channel and hit the bell notification icon to make sure you stay in the loop.

Take care until next time, and keep doing the things that help you live a better, brighter life!

My Body Positive Journey to Loving and Accepting my Body

My Body Positive Journey to Loving and Accepting my Body Creating a better, more positive relationship with your body can feel like a daunting, unattainable task. If you are looking for hope and evidence that it IS possible, then watch this video to the end!

Transcript:

Creating a better, more positive relationship with your body can feel like a daunting, unattainable task. If you are looking for hope and evidence that it’s anything but impossible, then watch this video to the end! You’re about to hear my story of how I have come to genuinely and authentically love and appreciate my body – beyond its appearance!

Hi everyone, I’m Laura Brown from Heart & Oak Therapy, supporting better, brighter lives. We’re therapists in Victoria BC who do regular videos on mental wellness, and give you practical ideas and tips to make your life happier and more fulfilling – so hit the subscribe button to keep in the loop!

I wanted to create this video for all of you who are looking for genuine success stories about people changing their relationships with their bodies for the better. Of course, as a therapist I work with lots of people around issues like these, and part of what makes me helpful in this area is my own lived experience in dealing with challenges with my body image. I thought, “Why share examples from my practice when I can share my very own story with all of you?”

Now, this video is definitely related to our last one, “3 Ways to Love Your Body for More Than How it Looks”, so if you haven’t watched that one yet, I highly recommend doing so after this.

The first thing I need to state is that, in spite of the work I do and the person I am today, I am a work in progress. As much as I would like to sit here and pretend that I have overcome every single body image obstacle and struggle, that would be a bold-faced lie. And it’s important to me that I be genuine and honest with you, as opposed to painting a picture-perfect story of change and growth.

The truth is, I have had a long and in-depth struggle with my body and food. I can honestly say that I did not experience a consistent feeling of love and appreciation for my body between the ages of 11-29. There were moments in that time when I made a very concerted effort through therapy, hypnotherapy, guided meditation, CBT, self-help, and positive affirmations, but it all felt pretty hollow. There might have been times where I felt a slightly stronger connection to my body, empathize with it, and pretend to love it, but it never felt quite “right”.

I don’t think I’m alone in this type of experience. In fact, I know that I’m not. The clients I have worked for thus far have shared similar stories – attempts to force that feeling of love without a real genuine, consistent outcome. And that can be a frustrating and hopeless place to be.

So, where am I now?

Today I am at a place with my body where I actually listen to and prioritize its needs. I genuinely feel grateful for everything that my body does for me, and I am motivated to take care of it in spite of conflicting desires, like thinness. I also feel pretty positive about my body’s appearance, and enjoy dressing it up and showing off my curves.

I still have desires and longings to be slimmer and fitter. I want my muscles that I have worked so hard for to show up. I want my face to stay youthful and wrinkle free. At the same time, these desires do not outweigh my genuine interest in supporting my body in being its happiest, most energetic, and healthy self. This is a HUGE contrast to how things used to be.

For so long, the desire to look like a runway model was at the top of my misguided priority list. I wanted to be skinny at all costs, and I blamed my body for refusing to give me what I so desperately wanted.

The shift to where I am now took time. I was not an overnight success by any stretch of the imagination. It began by recognizing where I was at, and how frustrated and exhausted I was by this way of being. It coincided with my desire to change my restrictive eating practices to be more intuitive and body-directed. This required me to trust that my body could make wise choices, and that I could learn to listen and prioritize its needs with some trial and error.

You may be wondering – how did I get here?

The short and simple answer is that I did exactly what I outlined in the video “3 Ways to love your body for more than how it looks”.

When I began asking myself why it was so important for me to look a certain way, I began to recognize how I believed that if my body were to fit in with the acceptable “norm” of beauty, then it was more likely that I would be accepted and included by my peers. I had a longing to be in a committed relationship, and I believed that by looking a certain way, I would be more attractive to a potential mate. Logically, this all makes sense.

In realizing this, I quickly recognized that I was selling myself, and others, short. This was an old, shallow story that didn’t fit with the reality of my life. There was a whole pile of evidence that I was able to pull from demonstrating how my peers and potential romantic partners did accept me, regardless of my body size and shape.

When I considered whose story it was that my body wasn’t good enough as it was, it was easy to conclude that I was not the author of this fucked up idea.

As I retraced how my body had been singled out for not fitting in, I recalled several humiliating moments when peers or loved ones decided to call attention to my body, referring to me as “fat”. My Granny “lovingly” pinching my arm fat and calling me chubby. The writing on the bathroom wall in Grade seven that said “laura is fat”. The boy who called across a school hallway and yelled “You’re too fat to be wearing that”. Heart-warming moments of my life, I tell ya.

Those types of comments helped in forming this story, but the speakers aren’t the originator of it. They aren’t unique in judging a body based on its size and appearance. They were merely spreading common, old, culturally accepted ideas that we all live in relationship to. When I was able to recognize who the author of this story was, I was able to have some distance from it – moving away from the idea that I was the author of the story, to being a resistor against it. I realized I was angry, exhausted, and fed up with this story. That it was total bull shit that I no longer wanted to buy into.

The biggest way I have been able to successfully love and appreciate my body is by shifting my relationship with it.

I have created a lot of space for my body to have a voice that I listen to. Through a lot of practice and exploration, I have come to pay attention to its needs and wants, and do my best to respect these. Below I’ve linked to a post from the Heart and Oak Blog that has a lot of questions you can ask yourself that can support you in exploring and shifting your relationship to your body.

Again, I have to reiterate that in no way am I close to having this down perfectly – nor do I ever expect to. What counts to me, is that I even consider what it is my body might want or need, above my desire to fit our cultural ideals. Getting to this place also meant truly dealing with the underlying reasons for why it made sense for me to be disconnected from my body. There is also a link to that blog post below.

My ultimate hope in sharing my own personal story is to illustrate that it is 100% possible to go from feeling at odds with your body, to loving and appreciating it for what it is. There isn’t anything special or unique about me and my experience. With awareness, curiosity, and openness, change became possible for me. The fact that you are here, taking the time to watch this video suggests to me that you’ve got something brewing. That you are at the very least curious about your relationship to your body, and potentially yearning for something to be different. This is a brave, and courageous starting point!

If this video has been interesting or helpful, go ahead and hit the “thumbs up” button below. For more helpful videos related to therapy and mental wellness, subscribe to our channel and hit the bell notification icon to make sure you stay in the loop.

Take care until next time, and keep doing the things that help you live a better, brighter life.

Meet the Counsellor: Laura Brown

Anxiety, worry, and fear are an interesting kettle of fish.  As a therapist, I spend several hours of my week talking to folks just like you about such things.

Many common themes run through the diverse stories of anxiety that I help people explore.  A big one is that folks feel isolated, alienated, and alone in their relationships with anxiety...which makes their anxiety even worse!

This post - my very first blog post under Heart & Oak Therapy - is an intentional challenge to anxiety on two important levels:

First, it is a direct challenge to my own anxieties and fears around expressing myself in a public forum.  I have thought about blogging for a long while, but have always felt afraid of putting myself out there.

Second, by acknowledging in this very public way that I have felt anxious expressing myself to the world, I am challenging the idea that you are alone in your feelings of anxiety, worry, and fear.  From here on, my commitment to blogging is an expression of solidarity with all people who experience anxiety.

I am standing with those who wish to take action in any way, but feel stifled by fear.

About This Blogger

So who is this quirky counsellor writing at your from across the internet? When I really think about it, I guess I'm a whole bunch of things. Just like you, there are many parts that make up my identity.

I'll start with the light and fluffy stuff.

I have a deep love for all things cute, sweet, and pretty. This is probably why I'm obsessed with my cats, Roxy and Ernie (not to mention cats in my neighbourhood, and cats on the Internet...don't even get me started on kittens!)

I am a highly visual person, and I like to think of myself as creative.  Awe heck, there I go minimizing my talents - a classic hallmark of anxiety showing up.

Let me try that again: I am a creative person!  In another life I would have been on stage acting or performing in some way. And if I'm totally honest, I am still wishing that an opportunity will somehow fall into my lap to be on Saturday Night Live!

Most psychologists would diagnose me with a reality television addiction. I like to tell myself it's research into the human psyche, human relationships, and a critical exploration of our dominant culture.

Fun, love, and happiness are three primary driving forces in my life. I am currently at a place where I am privileged to see the silver lining in most things, have fun even in serious moments, and feel love and compassion for those I see as acting in hateful or hurtful ways. It hasn't always been that way for me, but this is a testament to the fact that things can get better when we work on them.

My Therapeutic Journey

For the sake of transparency, I want to let you know that for a long period of my life (a good 15 years or so), I struggled to hold onto happiness for any sustained stretch of time. Some would (and did) diagnose me with having depression, anxiety, and an eating disorder.

After working tirelessly on myself for years through a diverse range of therapies and reading a library worth of self-help books, I have finally come to recognize that the problem isn't me, and it never really was.

I do not have any mental illnesses, I am not broken, I am not crazy, I am not a depressed individual, or an anxious individual, or a disordered person - statements that can reduce us to an essence and ignore exceptional qualities that don't fit those labels.

I do not define myself or others in these terms because I no longer believe that most people are sick in the head (mainstream psychology would have us thinking otherwise).

Instead, I believe that the culture and world we live can be a really challenging place for a of a lot of people, and most people are doing the best that they can to respond to the adversity in their lives.

I now believe that instead of having a psychological disorder called depression, I was legitimately sad that I felt like an outsider and felt I didn't belong to a group of loving, caring peers.  My sadness was an expression of profound dissatisfaction.

Instead of having an illness called anxiety, I was legitimately worried about being able to take care of myself and being independent after the security offered to me from my parents.

Instead of having a disorder called bulimia, I found a way to soothe my worries and sadness with food while avoiding gaining weight, and allowing myself to better fit society's ideal standards of female beauty.

Having had these experiences in life, it makes sense that I chose the profession I'm in now, because I get it.

I can relate to a lot of the feelings and challenges that the folks I work with want to talk about. And my hope is to have useful conversations that help people to experience life in ways that feel better, however that may look for them.

How I Became a Therapist

My first dream was to become a politician or international lawyer in hopes of changing the world for the better. (Ok, ok, so my true first dream was to be an academy award winning movie star...) However, in my learnings I came to realize that I might have to sell my soul to be able to get anywhere in my career. Upon realizing this, I started to think about what I really enjoyed doing, and it came to me that I loved talking with people and offering them some sort of help and comfort. I also thought that it might be somewhat in line with my big headed idea that I could somehow change the world.

So off I went to the psychology department and enrolled myself in class after class that studied various mental health and behavioural conditions that people struggle with. Multiple choice exam after exam tested my knowledge on what conditions were genetic and which were environmental (Let me save you some time and money: most studies suggest it's 50/50). I was fascinated by all of the so-called symptoms that people were afflicted with, and secretly diagnosed family members and friends with various conditions. I was confident that I could "fix" myself and the other folks who fell outside of the bell curve.

Soon enough I was ready to embark on my journey to learn the ins and outs of counselling: the tool I would use to fix all of these "sick" people. Little did I know that I would come to realize that all of my "expert" knowledge of mental illness would stand in stark contrast to the new insights and perspectives that I was offered. A short summary of these insights include:

• The parallel qualities shared between colonialism and psychology;
• People at all times act in ways to preserve their safety and dignity in response to acts of oppression against them;
• The ways in which people respond to challenging experiences can sometimes look like symptoms of mental health diagnoses, and make a lot of sense when exploring the context of people's lives;
• The things that other people say and do after we have challenging experiences plays a role in how we might respond to such experiences.

Given where I am at in my life now, I work hard not to define myself as an expert on other people's life experiences. I kindly correct my mother when she refers to me as a psychologist (she means well). I like to think of myself as someone who is striving for social justice, and I hope to provide the most useful, helpful, and dignifying service to the people I work for directly, and for my community overall. For people who need an ally, I work hard to help them feel heard, supported, accepted, and strive for our conversations to hold a fine balance between being serious and light-hearted (or even fun).

I am seriously passionate about people experiencing great happiness, acceptance, love and satisfaction in their relationships with their bodies or to intimate partners. For me, this means being a bit of a detective and learning the ins and outs of these relationships, and working with people to make sense out of how things came to be the way they are. From this point, I believe that space opens up for a change in perspective or behaviour that aligns with people's initial goals before seeking therapy.

How Can I Help You?

How will you know if I am going to be a good fit as a counsellor for you? Well, I can tell you I'm your gal if:

• You're comfortable with a light-hearted approach to therapy;

• You want to feel heard and have your feelings and experiences validated;

• You want to reach new understandings of your problems and experiences;

• You're looking for someone you can be real with, and who will be real with you.

I love hear from new people, and would be thrilled if you think it might be helpful to drop me a line. I love answering questions and having rich conversations, so don't feel shy about getting in touch.

Have something to say? Leave a comment below, or shoot me an email!

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If you'd like to talk more about how I can help you